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Last week I got a resounding response when I touched on the topic of otherwise benign crossdressing websites displaying a warning. Perhaps, not so subtly asking the question – Are we ashamed of crossdressing?
I got a touching response from Michelle via email. She has kindly allowed me to share it with you:
But some of us are not proud of who we are at all. I for one am VERY conflicted. I really enjoy dressing up pretty and sometimes it is sexual, but sometimes it is not. My wife, however, does not tolerate it at all, sexual or not, private or not. I love my wife dearly, so when I do dress behind her back, I feel extremely guilty. Sometimes the guilt is because I have been to websites that I should not have been to, and sometimes it is because I have indulged myself sexually (never with another person, just masturbating, but still) and I know that she would not be pleased. Sometimes I wish that Michelle would just go away and not haunt me anymore. But then, I am irresistibly drawn to do something later that I will regret. I feel as though I have no power of myself. But you are happy with who you are so you probably don't understand me (and those like me) and I don't even know why I am telling you all this.
Michelle showed bravery and honesty in sharing this with me. I know first hand the pain, self-loathing and confusion she expresses. The lack of control over your desires, wanting to fulfill your needs and to still love and respect your wife. These are not easy things to grapple with. Many people never have to deal with something so heart wrenching.
Michelle’s email is a beautiful expression of a truth many crossdressers live with, and it touched a chord with me. I thought I’d share my response to her with you, dear reader.
I spent much of my life believing that crossdressing was a curse, or worse – a sin I needed constant forgiveness for. Society and religion had convinced me that I was doing something wrong. If only I had enough will power, or enough faith, or a mastery of my emotional triggers – then I would be free of crossdressing. I was wrong for doing it, and I was weak for continuing. As much as I accomplished in my life I could never conquer crossdressing. I felt powerless, until I realized that I did have the power.
I could not change my desire to crossdress, any more than I could change my height or the color of my eyes. But I could change the meaning it held for me. Up until then I had viewed crossdressing as a cross I must bear, but what if it was truly a blessing? I couldn’t make society accept me, but what if I accepted myself?
With much introspection I asked myself – why should I be ashamed of crossdressing? At this question my mind flooded me with answers, most of which involved some variation of how other people would perceive me. I tend to agonize about what other people think, but crossdress or not, other people have perceptions of me – both positive and negative that I can influence but not control. Should I be ashamed because of what other people may think? For centuries people thought ill of another based on the color of their skin. Does that mean every person of color should feel ashamed? Absolutely not!
It took a long time, but I finally overcame this reason to be ashamed. Yet so many more reasons remained. One kept nagging me – ‘was this the most productive use of my time?’. Were the hours spent perfecting my makeup technique and shopping for clothes well spent? Perhaps not – though the same could be said for hitting a little white ball around with a stick.
The mind is cunning, next it asked, ‘What about your wife Vanessa? Surely your crossdressing must do harm to her, don’t you feel guilty about what you put her through?’ Ahh, well played mind. I do feel guilty about this. For my wife I want to be the man she deserves. I don’t agonize about the perceptions of the nameless stranger on the street, but I do care very deeply about what my wife thinks.
So I took a step back, and took stock of my ‘husbandry’. I crossdress, but I’m more caring and compassionate than most men. I wear makeup, but I treat her as my equal and respect her opinion. I’d rather get a manicure than tinker with a car, but I share my feelings and listen to her do the same. I realized that our relationship to another is more complex than a single issue. How fortunate a couple would be if crossdressing were the only issue to deal with. It doesn’t erase the guilt I feel putting her through this, but it does put it in perspective. Would your wife rather you spend every night drinking in the bar than crossdress? Likely not…
Sex has a unique way of making us feel guilty – we’re conditioned to be ashamed of our bodies almost since birth. In this case, perhaps you feel uncomfortable that your desire to crossdress is partly sexual. Even organizations like Tri-Ess try their best to separate crossdressing from sexuality. This is one I don’t feel qualified to unpack, though having a sex drive and becoming aroused is natural and healthy.
So is crossdressing a blessing? That’s something you get to decide for yourself. Personally, crossdressing has made me a better person. It has also allowed me a unique opportunity to share my acceptance with others. If I can offer just one person comfort and hope, then I’m doubly blessed in getting to share my blessing with others.
You may not be able to control your crossdressing, but you can control what it means to you. Will it mean shame, guilt and heartache? Will it be a part time hobby you indulge in, as harmful as a round of golf? Or will it open up the doors to bless others with compassion and love?
The choice is yours. The only wrong answer is choosing not to decide.
Hugs and blessings,
Vanessa
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Dear reader, what do you think? How have you come to terms with your crossdressing? How do you deal with the shame and guilt? Is crossdressing a blessing or a curse?
Leave a comment and help another in heartache.
Hi, i'm ashamed of crossdressing because i cant make myself passable, i try to follow your instructions on applying makeup but i end up looking like bozo the clown, i love dressing pretty and want to go out as a girl, but i look too rediculous, i cant afford surgery, plus my wife would never let me do it. what can i do. yours melony
Melony, I don't think I have ever been 100% Passable, although I used to be very passable. As I have gained a few pounds over the years, I have become less passable. The little bit of weight seems to accentuate male features as it makes it harder to accentuate the feminine features.
One thing I have learned is that even though hair, make-up, clothes, etc. are an important part of passing, the most important part is your confidence and being comfortable with yourself and accepting who you are.
Usually we will feel better when our outfit looks great and our hair and make-up is perfect, but I have had days when everything was perfect and I looked great, but feeling nervous and unsure and people will pick up on that really quick. Other days my make-up may have been a little off or my hair not quite in place, but I felt good about myself, didn't care what anyone thought, didn't care if I was passable or not, it was just a beautiful day, I was happy and enjoying being me and no one notices, or at least they don't seem to notice anthing.
To me, it is more important that people will recognize me and accept me as female more than it is for me to pass as one. Although I do like to pass and work on it as much as possible. When the people around you, especially those that matter most to you, know and accept you as female and the address you as a female (And hopefully treat you like a lady) then that is what makes the world of difference.
Passing can help your confindence, but I think confidence helps your passing even more.
Hello Melony,
You don't have to be 100% passable. I have written comments before but I will review. I am a straight female who has an amazing cross dressing friend. She is not 100% passable but she doesn't care. Honestly I don't care. We go to Starbucks, Panera, wherever we want and I don't care. If people have a problem it's their problem. I say screw em do whatever you want and feel confident and proud. You are not hurting anyone. Don't get caught up in societies hangups. Be Thankful this Thanksgiving that you know who you are and don't be so paranoid.
Tracey
Thats the spirit Tracey. A lot of crossdressers are afraid to go out because they feel people likely wont like them, but its the other way around. People would love to meet you, and with that confidence, you can go anywhere your heart takes you. You two are a lucky pair. Carol
omg that is horrible.
mierable bastards should be shot..........sorry i get excited. if i cam help ,tell me
well dear , you say that when you apply your make up you look like boz0 the clown and you just will not pass as a women. My first time out was in femmme and i thought i was all that. my spouse and i went for a walk at night in the cemetary, i know it sounds pretty weird but it gave me confidence to take me going out femme to the next level. my make up hass gotten better and i cant wait until i can go out again
sister it takes practice but i remember when i was in your shoes hun it was painfull. get on all the makeup sites u can find and go to my pics and look and ill be happy to help u anyway i can.you will find pics of me on date a crossdresser my name is cherll looking forward to hearing from u sis
Melony,
One thing I have found is that there are so many different styles of clothing, and certain types may look better to you when you are wearing them than others. (in terms of you thinking you are passing better).
Some fashion websites and even store websites will have articles on-line about the best types of tops, skirts, pants, dresses, etc. to wear for certain body types.
And if a certain style appeals to you more than another, then you will probably feel better about yourself as well, feel more feminine, and less self-conscious about how well you are passing or not.
You can experiment without spending a whole lot of money by buying some of your clothes at thrift stores or at places like Wal-Mart, where for example I bought a White Stag top tonight for just $3 on clearance sale and a pretty red patterned dress for just $5.
Sometimes it may help to just browse the stores to see what is on display or browse store websites and after a while you will get an idea what styles appeal to you.
If you are wearing a design you like to start with you will probably feel more feminine and feel you are more passable than if you are wearing women's clothes just because they are women's clothes.
Hope this helps,
Hugs,
Pam
You're absolutely correct Pamela.
And I love shopping the clearance racks at WalMart and Kmart as well as the Sears Home Essentials stores. Always can find great articles of clothing at amazing low prices.
I was shopping WalMart once and found several pieces of clothing that I loved. Didn't even realize until I got home and decided to try a few of them on that one of the skirts I bought matched perfectly with one of the tops I bought. I wasn't even trying to match anything, just picked out individual pieces that I liked. So it was a pleasant surprise when I saw how well those two articles of clothing looked together. I wore them to work the next night and it is still one of my favorite outfits.
hi, i am writing to comment that i am a transgender but my wife dont like it but i try to be a husband but i want to be more female ,i have went about 3 weeks without dressing cause she dont like it, any advice. thanks
You need to have a long talk with her and tell her exactly how you feel. Let her know that the feminine side of you is an important part of who you are that you cannot deny yourself.
You may want to go to counseling together, find a support group, buy her a book on the subject (True Selves is awsome for both transgendered individuals as well as the people who share their lives, it has lots of great info and explained really well. ) True Selves and other great books for wives of crossdressers, transsexuals, etc. can be found on Amazon.com
They have a few I want to order soon that I haven't read yet. "My Husband, Betty", "He's Not There", "My Husband Wears My Clothes", and many others.
I was lucky to have had a supportive wife for almost 10 years that knew all about me before we got married. We divorced over money problems, but we are still friends and she still supports me.
Most of the women I have dated since the divorce knew up front and supported me. Only a couple of them had any kind of problem with it, but once they got a little used to it, were fine with it, and only one that had a problem with it altogether. One of my girlfriends supported me to an extent (although she said she supported me completely) but when it came to be being dressed female around her family and friends, she was more worried about what they would think. Even though most of her friends already knew about me and supported me. Her parents knew and supported me also. (they even bought me female clothes at Christmas time. lol)
You just need to let her know how you feel and that it is a big part of who you really are and that it is important to you and tell her why. Even if you don't totally understand why yourself, just explain how you feel and what you do know about it. Let her know that you love her and want to be honest with her and not doing it behind her back or not dressing at all and denying yourself the right to be who you are and feeling that you have to hide and be trapped.
You may want to progress a little at a time if she agrees to you crossdressing. (not that you need her permission to be yourself, but that you are not wanting to shock heror make it too much at one time) just slowly ease into a more feminine mode a little at a time. I find that most women love feeling smooth shaved legs, so you may want to start with just shaving your legs, chest, whatever makes you comfortable. Later let her get used to seeing you with panties on. maybe with a t-shirt when you go to bed. Later add a little eyeliner. Just keep making slow subtle changes as time goes on.
Then again, after you talk with her and she has time to think about it and get used to the idea, she may just want to see the whole Destiny as a whole. I would try talking with her a little more and see how it goes, then decide if you may want a counselor to help you both talk and understand eachothers feelings and concerns.
In my case I feel that I am pushed into being ashamed. Altough my wife accepts that I am a crossdresser and says she would like to help, I know she does not.
I went nearly a whole year this(from October 08 to now)not dressing up once. I did this because everytime I had the urge to dress up I had to surpress it. The rules change everytime. I cannot seem to do anything right.
I totally admit that yes, i have gone into website i should not have, but its like a rollercoaster ride. One page leads to another and so on. Everytime without fail my wife will go into my history and never fail to start on me about the most insignificant detail. What do I do?
Our arguments always lead to her bringing up the "Martina problem" I fight back because in my 35 years I only know her 6 and I have crossdressed since I was 5. I feel that she has no right to tell me what, where and when to do it. Yes I am lucky that I have a wife that knows my dirty little secret, but does that mean she should have control over me?
She told her family what I am and after years of knowing, if it is brought up jokingly, she thinks its wrong! In the end, she told everyone, not me! Trust should be both ways. Not one rule for her and another for me. Believe me, if I could go back in the past, she would never know. I love her with all my life and "Martina" is a threat to her. Even a chance to go to Thailand is stopped because all she sees in her mind is Ladyboys! I for one love culture, but in her mind she thinks I was the sex side of things. All I want is to meet others like me that like to dress up, help each other with becoming the preety woman we all desire to be. Do you agree?
Thanks for reading x
Dearest Martina, a wize woman once said that no one can make you feel inferior unless you allow them to. That woman was Elenore Rosavelt, admitedly not one of the most atractive First Ladies that this country has ever had and look what all she did. I hope that you are able to get things settled with your wife and your crossdressing. It would be a shame to have to keep the real you stuffed in a hole. Be strong and be patient and love her anyway. Hugs to you, Ragina
This is a serious issue for all of us.
Most women feel that a husband must take care of his family. How can a husband who dresses up be a husband at the same time with two women being in the house at the same time?
It boils down to what the stereotypical norms of society.
Men are to be men.
Women are to be women.
With crossdressing and transgenderism, these lines are seriously blurred and obscured. There is no division between man being a husband and a woman being a wife. It's a gray area in which there is confusion of those expected norms.
Men feel their masculinity threatened and women feel their femininity is threatened.
If either a man or woman feels this way, lines of communication must open. Otherwise the hurt and anger will continue to well up in each to a breaking point.
My wife knew when she was getting into a relationship with me. We had started out as roommates. However, her family feels it is their right to torment her over the fact of who and what I am instead of doing the Christian thing and showing love and respect.
After my in-laws first found out about me, they were angry and felt I lied to them. Was I lying to them? Or was I lying to myself that I was or wasn't lying to them?
I did what I had to do... I do not go to their homes dressed up out of respect and for their wishes.
A vast majority of people don't understand crossdressing and especially transgenderism. We cannot expect people to fully understand at all, but I've done my best to explain it in the best fashion I could to them.
Here's what I would do, and continue to do, is to explain to people this simple, yet elegant analogy which seems to be quite universal:
"Ever find a cute dress, so cute you just had to have it? It is in your size too! Yet, when you put it on, no matter how you adjust it, no matter if you alter it, no matter what, it just refuses to fit properly."
Then, for guys, I use this:
"No matter how good that engine is, no matter if the only carberator you have for that Ford, you still have a Chevy carberator and not matter what you do, it will not fit on that Ford."
But, talking to our spouses about what we feel is difficult and to add in crossdressing and transgenderism makes it even more difficult.
I still hold back things from my wife mostly due to her family though. The torment I would receive would be over the top and make me resentful to them.
My wife is supportive to an extent and is tolerant to a degree. She still is slightly on their side because of how she was raised.
We cannot allow ourselves to get angry with our spouses, we accept them as they are, but it's not always reciprocal.
As much they need to understand us, we need to understand them to a greater extent and reassuring them continually loving them.
Mostly a blessing 🙂 Being a cross-dresser - or a tranny, pick you label - goes deeper than just clothes and make-up. I think it goes to the core of who we are and like it or loathe it, the effects are here to stay.
If I wasn't a tranny, my life may have turned out very differently and I wouldn't have had the family and friends I do now.
Am I ashamed? For 99.% of the time, no: I'm cool over it. Sometimes I have the odd dip into darker times, but doesn't everyone? 🙂
Melony: Please don't feel bad about passing. Very few of us do and the ones that look like they do? It's Photoshop 🙂
Martina: Have a look at 'Portable Firefox' or look into the 'run as' command 😀
What Lynn said 🙂 Seriously though, all of us get miserable at times, and wish we transgendered. It is really hard to love yourself when you don't live up to society's norms, but you're well worth it!
Melony, I obsess about passing as the next girl, but the truth is that I'll never pass 100%. I'm built as a man, taller than your average woman with bone structure that can't be changed (even by the best surgery today). Photoshop + Hormones + Surgery + lots of makeup does wonders for many of the ladies you see on the Internet. As crossdressers we inherit a woman's self-consciousness. 99.99% of all woman don't look like the cover of a magazine - the trick is not to feel bad about it. A smile, confidence and body movement practice can go a long way towards your feminine illusion.
Martina, I can sympathize with you - marriage seems like a constant struggle to be who we are and respect who the other person needs us to be. We have it worse than most in this regard, but we're by no means the only people to feel as though marriage asked for compromises we don't feel we can make. My wife and I are still working through this. All I can say is that constant communication and mutual respect are more necessary than ever.
Patti, well said love. We should realize that they didn't sign up for a husband who wants to become a woman. Even if you told them before getting married, the true reality doesn't sink in until they must deal with this aspect on a day to day basis. We need to show our lovely wive's the grace and understanding we'd ask of them.
Hugs,
Vanessa
Vanessa, your right not everybody can "pass", but there are lots of girls that cant pass either. The question is , do you "pass" with yourself. Youll know when you do, and its easy from then on! Love carol
I am not at all ashamed to be a crossdresser. I enjoy dressing up as I never go out dressed as i am content with dressing in private at home. Girls are so lucky the stuff they get to wear so why shouldn't I have some fun and slip on a dress or skirt ,maybe a pair of silky pantyhose and cross my legs and drink some coffee. I even openly buy skirts and hosiery, heels,makeup, as I don't care what people think.A girl asked me one time,are these heels for u? I said ya, she then suggested that i try em on, so I did as i had on pantyhose under my jeans in which she saw and just said ,nice pantyhose.She had me walk around in the heels as well.It was nice for a girl to know my little secret.
This is a very difficult question to answer...
When I am crossdressed I am not ashamed - I wear 'normal' clothes that on any genetic girl would be accepted in most offices. I really relax when working from home in these clothes - and to be honest forget that I am dressed most of the time, it feels that natural.
When I am getting dressed, or changing back - that's when the guilt kicks in. My wife knows, is kind of supportive - but doesn't want to be involved. I think this is where a lot of the guilt comes from. It's not going behind her back - she knows and tells me to, it's the fact that I feel (and she never corrects me on this so I guess it's right) that I have to make sure everything is back in it's rightfull place before she gets in. Except for shoes and tights... The later I wear when it's cold on the motorbike for reasons other than dressing and she is fine with that and the shoes we share as we have similar sized feet (and I have to buy womens shoes anyway due to the size of mine) and if she is in shoes that she can't drive in we'll swap - she takes my deck shoes and I take her heels.
The only problem I seem to find when it comes to shoes is a place that actually has my size.
That's a nightmare! I'm like you, Kelly. I don't care what people think either when I'm out.
But, when you do not pass very well, some people take offense to it and confront you.
Even though I pass very well when I shave my face as close as possible, my physique sometimes gives me away. Am I ashamed? No.
I do know that it is difficult for others who do not pass well, and I feel absolutely horrible for them. I don't pity them, but I do know and understand what they are going through.
Clothing is essential part of being a woman. And not wearing the right clothing can make you stand out even worse. Wearing too much makeup, very outdated shoes, the whole nine-yards can make you standout like a sore thumb that's been smashed to the point of being as big as your head.
I'm not attempting to demean or belittle anyone with this. But, I have worked with a few others who do impart this type of style.
It's one thing going out clubbing at the favorite TG place, it's another to walk around publicly like this.
Wow... I just wish I had the money to have helped a few of them who needed help in that area.
I feel a heavy heart for them.
My wife the other day says that I blow the TG Showgirls at the local TG/TV club, she went to for her best friends bachelor party, totally away.
Anyway, you should never be ashamed for who and what you are. And if people can't handle who you are, then tough.
However, if it is your significant other, and she is not supportive of you, you both need to do something to help the lines of communication. Marriage is also about give and take. It should never be one-sided, nor should it be totally about you or her.
If you are struggling with this, go see a counselor, therapist or even your local church pastor and get it worked out.
It is going to take time and patience.
Do not be ashamed.
wow patty
a pastor? really? i've thought about it, but i'm really scared.
however,I have to talk it out. please e-mail me.
love mia
There are some pastors out there who are willing to help that do not condemn and judge, but you have to research them like you would anything else.
My wife teaches at a so called christian college. When she reached out for support, when she was dealing with me getting surgury, they gave instead of support, an ultimatum. Get a divorce, or get fired! Theres your bigots in action. Well We are working this out now, but its been a shock to her, and shes thinking all kinds of crazy stuff. Its a shame people can hurt us in this way, especially when by what they say they are.... Christians..... they prove theyre not. Carol
I like how so many Christians cannot accept the fact that I am both Christian AND Transsexual. Most say I cannot be both because if I were a true Christian I would not feel the desire to dress or be female and just accept myself the way God made me.
I love it when they ask the question "don't you think God knew what he was doing when he created you?"
My answer to that is always: "yes I do, and what about Hermaphrodites? they are born with both sets of plumbing. Did God not know what he was doing when he created them? And if he can create someone with both sexes, then why is it not possible for some people to be born with the WRONG sex?"
So far, that has made every religious nut shut right up because thos are questions they are not prepared for and are totally unable to answer.
I follow Christ, not man. I don't follow people who consider themselves as "Christian Leaders". I did struggle for a while because of what people had tried to teach me about what God feels on this subject. Even before I came out. I have seen so many things happen in the church, so many things going on that would make your head spin.
After playing in the church youth group band and also with the main music minstry for well over a year, the pastor one night gives a sermon on "judge not by appearances but look at the heart". Then, the same night immediately following the service he has the youth pastor (he couldn;t ask me himself) to ask me to cut my long hair. I thought "what a hypochrite!" When I refused, the pastor did not want me playing drums for the main music ministry any more and everyone in church got upset with him and people actually left the church over this. He was trying to convince people that the bible says "Support your pastor, etc." obvious and blantant control and manipulation, very much like a cult leader. He started treating me like total dirt, and was worse when there were only a few people or no one else around.
Well, it finally got so bad that I quit going to that church. A couple of months later his wife attempted suicide because she walked in and caught him in bed with another woman from the church.
So he'strying to convince everyone that my long hair is a sin and it is wrong (tell that to the guy you worship!) while he is running around on his wife. He's judging my appearance when he is telling others not to.
He was not looking at my heart while he was telling others to do so. And while he is trying to get everyone against me and to believe I was so bad, the was the one being bad.
That is one of many experiences I have had with Christianity. I almost turned away from Christianity at one point, but then a friend helped me realze that I should not hold against the Lord the actions of man.
That's when I realized that Jesus had always been awsome to me and has always been there and helped me through so much and that I should not abandon my beliefs because of what some greedy, power hungry, control freak wants to convince me that I should believe.
I stopped allowing beliefs to be spoon fed to me by any minstry.
I am a Christian, but I do not follow mainstream Christianity. I think for myself, and realize that I don't have to believe what everyone else preaches because they are not always right, no matter how popular any given belief may be.
I still struggled with worrying about would God hate me for dressing and having surgery to become female. I knew there was no way I could change who I was and how I felt, so was I going to go to hell for just trying to be myself?
God finally told me, " I know you and I know your heart. You should not be ashamed to be yourself and be who you are inside. I know it's been hard, but there are experiences I wanted you to have as a man that you could not have had as a woman and now that you have had those expepriences, it will make you stronger and ready for your journey to become and live the rest of your life as a female, even if the rest of the world and those who claim they know me do not understand"
God told me in my heart that it was okay, that I should now pursue life as a female, that it is not a sin. What would be a sin is to continue living a lie. Liing to myself and liing to others and hiding who I truely am.
He told me I should not torture myself anymore.
So yes, God did know what he was doing when he made me. I was born male for a reason. I was to experience things that I would not have had I been born female. Yet, he also has a plan for me to eventually life the rest of my life as a female taking with me those important experiences. I don't understand why yet, but I have faith in his ultimate plan for my life. I no longer struggle or worry about God hating me for crossdressing and wanting to change my body. I know he meant for it to be. And those that argue the contrary do not know the relationship I have with God and probably don't have a genuine relationship with him themselves because they are being dictated to and told what to believe by man.
Christ should be first in our lives. Christ should be first in your wifes life, not a "Christian teaching job" that is dictated by the rules of man.
You should be the most important thing in her life next to Christ, not her job, not the church....It chould be Christ...then you and your children (if you have any). I would always put Christ before my family but I would never put the church or a job before family.
Telling the church/Christian school where they can stick it is not turning agaist God, and don't worry about what people think ifi you tell them off and do what you know is right between you and God. Don't worry about what they say should be right or wrong. There is no one size fits all plan that God has for everyone. We are each different and god has a special and different plan for each and every one of us.
God loves you no matter what! Pray to him, read you rbible and let him lead you to the answers you seek, do not let mainstream religion tell you what you are supposed to believe. Find what God wants for you.
Yes, I am Christian, but I get very angry at how wrong and controlling, blinded and closed minded and judgemental the bulk of people who claim to be Christians are.
God did not intend for you to be tormented by hiding who you truely are. Your wife cannot reasonably expect you to just turn the feeling off like a light switch.
You need to find good counseling by someone who ha sknowlege and experience in transgender issues. and there are a few good Christians ones out there if you look good enough. She needs to know how hiding this is affecting you. Life is too short and you only get one. You need to do what makes you happy. And I believe with all my heart that you can work this out without divorce.
Hey friends. All of us at some time have felt ashamed of something. I think when younger and convinced that the cross dresseing thing is a passing thing (no pun, seriously), feelings of shame are deployed like bug sprary in the effort to suppress what we suspect/hope/need to go away.
Well, for many it does not. Once you come to grips with that, often the shame is not about the cross dressing so much, but shame at related behaviours. The shame associated with not being honest and open about something with a wife is a big one.
Most of the comments here are from CD's who are out, or mostly out to their wives. Good for you. Even with the friction it causes, it is better than keeping it hidden.
I know that when I feel badly in any way, its because I am keeping something true and important hidden from somebody who deserves truth and is important.
So, there is a little confession. I am quite proud of my cross dressing. My "shame", when it hovers around, is from not figuring a way and finding the nerve to share it nicely. Yet.
Great thread post Vanessa!
Dear Petra, I know that this isn't the right area, but do you live in the Atlanta area? I'm just down the road from you. Please respond. I went to your site and loved it.
Wow, i was so moved by this article... its a little like reading my own story from someone else's lips. Cross dressing seems to be something that i have always "come back" to...i mean that, no matter how deep i bury the desire to become the woman of my own dreams, she claws her way back up out of the deepest recess of my mind, and she is back stronger and stronger each time. its hard to explain, but it has been the bane of my existence for most of my life, now i think she is one of the few things keeping me sane and happy. I remember the first time i tried on lingerie (someone else's! tsk tsk!), i was around the age of 9. I also remember the first time (of at least four times) that i got "sprung" dressing up, and let me tell you all, it was not pretty. In fact as the number of times i got caught climbed, so too did the intensity of the lectures and the threats and warnings of humiliation. My Mother loves me, just as i love her, and i do understand that she has always done her best to try to protect me from harm. Tragically, i know that this is something that neither she, nor any other member of my friends or family will ever, EVER, accept. Now at 39 i have finally accepted that the equilibrium between my masculine and my feminine "energies" (for want of a better word!) are SUPPOSED to be heavily in femme's favour. In other words... "this is just how I am meant to be". Since school i was persecuted for my "squeaky" voice, for my gentle and caring nature and my love of the arts. I guess you could say i am a late bloomer hehe, but finally i smile in photos, finally i look at them and feel beautiful and complete, and above all else, i feel happy, satisfied and secure within myself. I have the body of a man, but the burning soul of a woman that has been imprisoned for thirty years in the darkest cell of the dankest dungeon, for no better reason than guilt.
... and the first thing i did as a free woman was dance, and funny enough, i haven't stopped dancing since!
N-tje.
(phewww, i feel better now! hehehe)
Do I feel ashamed of dressing up - sometimes, but not as much as I used to, although the times I do I suppose comes from starting to dress (much) later than many others do. Im much more accepting of it now than I was when I started, and it has strengthened my relationshup with my wife. Apologies if this rambles a bit 🙂
I have always been a bit quiet for a man, athough never really had any desire or interest in feminine things and was never very emotional. That all changed about 3 years ago following an illness which went undiagnosed for about a year - as a result I went into a deep depression and became deeply emotional. Luckily I have a very loving and accepting wife who supports me - and it was her that actually started me on this journey.
It started innocently enough as just some fun in the bedroom - we both like to try new things and are very compatible, and fortunately one thing the depression and illness hadnt affected was our love life.
Id had a particularly bad week with the depression and medication, and had spent much of the day upset, crying. We went to bed early and cuddled, just being close. The following day she playfully suggested that as I was being such a girl (no malice involved, just a teasing commment on my emotional state) that we sleep that night both wearing a silk nightdresses. One thing led to another, and things just sort of happened from there really, driven in turns by my wife and myself as we both explore this.
Although my dressing doesnt extend to full clothing and makeup very often, and Im fully aware of the large sexual aspect it has on both our lives, it is something we both enjoy a great deal. Aspects of it have worked their way into our normal daily lives as little rituals that we both enjoy (I do her nails for her, sometimes we play with makeup), and were always on the lookout for clothes I can get away with wearing when Im feeling a bit femme but dont arouse too much suspicion.
For the most part Ive actually quite enjoyed exploring this aspect of myself that I never really knew existed, and although its been a struggle at times I feel that Im a much better, more understanding person because of it. My wife has changed too, and I love her the more deeply because of it.
I know that my dressing will never go beyond the confines of my home, and have no desire to fully become a woman - overall Im happy with the way things are, and the person Ive become. One day I hope that my children will be able to accept this part of me (they dont know at the moment, although I think my eldest (teenage) suspects something. We are generally a quite open family and talk about everything, although this topic (generally) hasnt yet cropped up, and to be honest I dont think my eldest is quite mature enough to understand yet.
So overall I suppose I feel lucky more than anything.
Hi again,
Last couple of weeks my life made a 90° turn.
The trigger was a book I bought : "My husband Betty". After 20 years of living in conflict with myself I feel that I'm now taking the first steps into self acceptance and it's an enormous energy boost. I no longer have that sense of shame and guilt after having crossdressed.
My wife's views are also changing.
I quoted a lot of passages from the book to my wife and we started talking about all the questions she had. My accepting myself has allowed me to talk more openly to her about my feelings. Even though it's still not easy for her and she may never fully accept, she sees that it makes me happy. I can now dress up at home and yesterday she even did my make-up and we ordered my first pair of shoes(talk about a big change). Just knowing that I don't have to lie to her anymore is a big relief. I'm trying not to rush things though as I want to give her time to adjust.
So my advise to all others in this situation would be, buy the book and more importantly talk to your wife about your feelings. If she loves you and sees how happy you can become it'll change your life and your life as a couple forever. Don't give up hope.
Hugs,
Sofie
Congrats Sofie! I'm so happy to hear that the book has been helpful. Everyone else should hear what a wonderful relief it is not to have to hide yourself from someone you love! Very good advice hon!
That is a great book, I have it also. Another really good book (My favorite book on this subject) is "True Selves" By Mildred Brown and Chloe Roundsley. I have read it many, many times and I am not much for reading. I have let a couple of my friends borrow it and I bought a copy just for my Mom. It helps everyone who may be involved or just curious about all degrees of transgenderism.
It is great thet your wife is accepting and learning and talking with you about this. That was so very important to me. I never did have to hide my crossdressing with my ex-wife. She wasn't sure she wanted me to have surgery at first, but she soon only viewed me as a female and realized that was who I really was inside and supported me 100%.
Other than a couple of close friends in high school, she was the first person I had come out to, but we were so close and I felt that I could talke to her about anything, so surprisingly I was a little nervous, but overall, actually very comfortable in telling her everything and it instantly brought us even closer. I was very lucky to have had someone that supportive. I told her before we married and she still married me and we were together for 10 years.
(Divorced due to money problems.)
It is really great when they not only accept and support you, but they become a part of your life when you are being who you feel you really are. You can be yourself and they become a bigger part of you. When they help you with make-up, you go shopping together, or get dressed up and go out together, it really means so much to us.
If you can share that, you can pretty much share anything.
Hi,
Just wanted to say to Michelle that she's not alone. I myself am in the same situation. I also really enjoy dressing up pretty and sometimes it is sexual as well, but sometimes it is not. My wife, also doesn't tolerate it at all. She thinks that it's an illness that needs to be cured. I sometimes dress up behind her back, I mostly lie about it until you feel like you have to say something (out of guilt).
Websites, seen my share of them but it's hard to find non sexual ones. Lately I've been trying to find ones that can help answer some of the questions that I've been asking for so many years. Why me? Why can't I get rid of it? I too feel as though I have no control over myself. So Michelle I can relate to how you feel. I'm following therapy for half a year now. I hope that it'll help. I'm just worried that there is no cure and that I'll loose my wife if I try to accept myself.
I'm also afraid that if I do give in I'll end up loosing control and that the man in me will totally dissapear. So in the meantime I'm trying to hold on. Most of the times it's easy but there are moments when you loose control and afterwards you feel so guilty, depressed and alone...
So to all that have a wife that supports them consider yourselves very fortunate.
Sofie
Thanks to all the lovely ladies who have commented so far! Your stories, sharing and heart felt words of encouragement to others are a blessing and an inspiration.
Nicoletje - I hear that 40 is the new 20. Since I just turned 30 does this make 30 the new 18? (pause, hopefully). I'm overjoyed that you've found acceptance for who you are. Better late than never seems to be an overused cliche, but as you know - the acceptance, self love and contentment is worth waiting for. Spending the next 40, 50 or more years of your life happy with who you are is an exciting future!
Claire, your story of your wife's acceptance and help bringing out your femme side is wonderful to hear. Perhaps age brings the blessing of wisdom as well, amidst the crash of emotions and confusion it's hard to believe we'll ever crest the mountaintop and look back and the beauty our life has become.
Petra, insightful that both shame and acceptance can live side by side. Thinking about this some more, we do this every day. As an everyday example, one might be proud of your scholastic achievements, but ashamed at your social ineptitude, or some such combination of looking at yourself in a positive and negative light.
Sofie, many transsexuals share your wife's view on it being an illness that needs to be cured, though may differ on the specific cure used 🙂 Seriously though, there are many with wives or families who don't understand or tolerate crossdressing. In general I'd prefer openness, even saying something like, 'I know you don't want me to crossdress. I respect your opinion, and that it is right for you. I love you, this is something I need to do for me to be happy. I don't want to lie to you, or go behind your back and do this. '. It's tricky, because emotions can sometimes get out of control in this situation, but if it's been months or years since she was told, perhaps openness could help heal her wounds too.
Sofie, and others - if you find good, non-sexual websites please email them to me (vanessalaw@crossdresserheaven.com), I agree with you that it's hard to find sites that discuss crossdressing without bordering on pornographic.
Sofie dear, best wishes as you explore who you are. It's clear that you love your wife, even as you struggle with crossdressing. You may not be able to control the desire to crossdress, you are able to control at what pace, and how you approach it. If you do lose control, you can make it thoughtful, patient and caring - it just might not be easy to do 🙂
Hi,
I just wanted to add that, as a newbie to this site (and indeed to visiting forums) that I not ashamed of my crossdressing per se, but when it crosses back into the real world the implications of my 'habit' really continue to hit home.
This happened literally just now, and prompted me to do some reading. I'd received a clothes order yesterday (the internet is wonderful), and was wearing my new outfit while working from home - just a feminine style tee and embroidered cargo trousers. The curtains are mostly closed for privacy as we are overlooked on both sides.
However, a knock at the door with an important delivery made me flush with panic, as I fumble round to get back into my male clothes. I sign for the delivery, looking suspiciously flustered, and it's then that I feel disgusted with myself.
To give some background, I'm lucky enough to have a wife who supports my crossdressing - I told her when we started dating (16), and I'm now 34. I am though, for all intents and purposes, still in the closet, although I have told one or two friends, but kept it vague. I also have two lovely little kids, and I feel that it's best to keep it a secret from them for now too.
I suspect my parents know, but it's never mentioned, just odd snide remarks while I was growing up. On hindsight, there's only so many times my mums and sisters neatly pressed clothes could suddenly look disheveled and smell faintly of boyhood excitement... ;-D
I've never gone out in public (except in fancy dress which is the PERFECT excuse) - I simply would NEVER pass, and living in a small town, it would prove a big gamble with many consequences. If I could, then yes, I probably would. The fact is, I do still feel isolated, as I don't know any other trannies, and hence why I'm taking my first few delicate steps into solving this!
I hope this isn't too off-topic, like I say, this has been a little out of my comfort zone, but to be honest it has proved cathartic! To conclude, it's a wonderful blessing and something I wouldn't (and couldn't) live without for the feelings and depth it gives to my being, but there is certainly a darker side when it comes to acceptance and ridicule.
M x
You need to accept yourself even if your wife does not.
As long as you are not accepting yourself, then you cannot expect her to accept you.
You need to stop thinking in terms of "Hoping for a cure". You are not being honest with yourself.
Ask yourself these questions:
1.) how long have I felt this way?
2.) Will I ever be able to stop feeling this way?
3.) How long can I keep hiding how I feel and not being who I feel I really am?
4.) Would I be happier going through life hiding who I am and what I really feel or accepting the feminine being inside of me and being myself.
5.) Would I be more miserable going through life hiding who I am and what I really feel or accepting the feminine being inside of me and being myself.
6.) (Referring back to your answer to #1) As long as you have felt this way, could go go another round for the same amount of time and still not be able to freely express who you are and be happy?
In all likely hood, if you have been miserable for hiding your true self for 10 years, then you will be miserable having to hide it for another 10 years. That's 20 years of being miserable that you won't get back.
If hiding something like this is making you miserable for any amount of time, the longer you wait to change it is more time being miserable until you get to the point that you just accept being miserable. And why? because of what other people expect you to be? Don't live your life for other people, you have to live your life for you. Not to say to ignore the feelings of those you love and care about, because thie feelings matter too, but they also have to understand that your feelings matter just as much as theirs and your happiness matters just as much as theirs. To expect you to not be yourself and hide the female you, which is the real you that wants to come out is not fair to you.
Find a counselor that is not going to try to "Cure" you, but rather one that understands and supports you and can help open up some lines of communication between you and your wife. Get her talking about it. Let her know it is important to you, that it matters to you and see if you can get her to reach some compromise through counseling.
Hi, I have just recently started to cross dress, I am loving every minute of it and I feel so good.
I get home from work and the first thing I do is change into a dress.
I think it was surpressed in me but I am so glad it has come out.
I want to build up the courage to go out dressed as a women.
So just be you no matter what, don't try and change your feelings as it is only yourself and your needs you are hurting.
Samantha, that's wonderful to hear! I'm glad that you're finding crossdressing fulfilling and rewarding. It starts with a few nervous steps, but your courage will build over time.
No, I am not ashamed to crossdress and I'm not ashamed of being a crossdresser however, like many cd's, I too had moments in my past of shame, guilt, fear, and loneliness about crossdressing which I feel is very normal. I've been crossdressing to some degree or another for about 42 years or since I was about 5 years young. Now I just revealed my age 🙂 ... I realize ther many reasons why some cd's may experience shame or guilt and its usually caused by a cd not being accepted by people who are close to them such as family, wives, girlfriends etc.. as well as some of may have gotten caught or discovered against our will to be found out. These are all normal occurrences that may happen and can or will happen to us as crossdressers. It is not that easy to hide an entire wardrobe or feminine attire and accessories so the risk of being discovered is always prevalent for those who are still in the closet. It took me many years to embrace my crossdressing and totally accept myself first and foremost and then it was much easier to share this wonderful part of who I am with so many significant people in my life along the way and to this day, not one person holds this against me or belittles me for it. Some people I've told did not fully accept it if it were affecting them in anyway such as them being a girlfriend of mine in a relationship or if they felt it was not normal bahavior for a man to engage in.
I will say this from my own personal experience, is that when we as crossdressers are able to embrace this blessing that we possess and we are able to come out of the closet to some degree or another, it is a blissful feeling inside and out. It is a feeling beyond description that words cannot appropriately describe. That feeling feels silker and sexier than the clothing itself. 🙂 I encourage all closeted cd's to take a step of faith and tell someone about your crossdressing whether it be a store clerk in a mall or womens clothing store that you dont know and will never see again or it could be a therapist if any of you are seeing one. Once you start to share with other people that you are a crossdresser, even if it has to be a stranger, you will want to tell and share with more and more people all the time and you will also realize that most people that you tell will not make a big deal out of it and some people will really enjoy hearing your story and start becoming inquisitive and asking questions about your feminine self. I doubt anyone you tell will call the local newspapers and TV [no pun intended..lol ] stations and ask reporters to come and hear your story and reveal it to the rest of the world. One last thought about overcoming shame is to talk to gg women about your crossdressing as they are way more receptive to this topic than our macho male friends are. 🙂
~hugs~ Hannah
I agree Hannah, that the more peopple that you talk with about it, the better you feel and the more people you will want to tell until you finally get to the point that you become you. You will feel like this is just me, it's who I am, rather than feeling like you have to explain to all the time to everyone you meet, but you will still enjoy educating people on the subject when they bring it up.
Sometimes people may approach you and ask you things. As long as they ask respectfully, you should feel perfectly fine about talking about the subject. And usually, as long as you are honest and open about everything, you will gain alot of respect from alot of very diehard homophobes.
After I first started coming out to my friends, I slowly started, even when I was in "Male Mode" Wearing a few things with my guy clothes that set off a little feminine flair. Being an 80's rocker, it kinda blended pretty well. Eventually, after I was out to quite a few people, I was more comfortable coming out and not afraid and slowly added even more feminie things to what I was wearing when I wasn't crossdressing. I still went out alot completely as female, but other times, the slower transition, I think, was easier and less of a shock for people to handle and accept. I then decided to get permanent make-up. I had my full lips done in Magenta and black eyeliner done. I had decided to be myself and be proud, but also had decided that I was at the point that I never wanted to go back into the closet, so if I got the permanent make-up, even if I could not afford breast implants and other proceedures, that I would at least have that much done, which is something permanent that I can't go back on or I can't hide because I never wanted to hide ME ever again.
I worked at a bar. It was a straight bar, but I was allowed to dress up anytime I felt like it. I had the complete support of my boss to do so.
Even when I wasn't fully dressed up, because of the make-up, I would have people ask me if I was gay, if I was a crossdresser, if I wanted a sex change and all of the other usual questions that I am sure that so many of you have been asked many times if you have come out.
I have talked to so many people that come in and seem very unaccepting at first, but they have the guts to talk to you straight in the face and ask you questions with respect and all they want is respect back and the truth. Alot of people really do want to try to understand us. Alot of people already accept and support us, they just want to know specifically how you wish to be viewed.
Alot of people came in not so supportive, but they have all left with a better knowlege and understanding as well as respect and support for me.
Sometimes, it is just how you present yourself . Honesty truely is the best policy.
It is very therapudic to me to talk to people about crossdressing, transsexualism and the many varied degrees of transgenderism.
The more you tell people, the more they want to know, and the more okay they become with it. Not every one is going to accept it or understand it (Do even any of us REALLY understand it?) but most people do have enough curiosity to want to know more, and when they meet one of us in real life instead of those fakes on Jerry Springer that are giving us all a bad name, and they see that we are really not that bad, they at least will treat us better and be more comfortable around us.
I have never been ashamed or even embarrassed as I thought I might have been. I find that alot of the tough guys and haters are actually more scared of us than we are of them. I am comfortable going out dressed, even on days when I am not totally passable, but I do watch my back and am more aware of my surroundings than usual just in case.
I was actually very surprised at how many peopleare very nice, accepting and supportive of me and admire that I have the guts to just be myself and not care what others think. Especially where I live.
Many people who most would consider "Good Ol' Boy Rednecks" whom I thought would not take the news very well have actually been some of my biggest supporters and defenders.
I have been very lucky. Since I have came out, I have only lost one friend, but if he would not at least try to understand (not that I expect anyone to really understand, but at least try) then he obviously was not much of a friend to begin with.
Most of the relationships I have been in, I have had the full support and understanding of the girl I was with. My ex-wife was wonderful and loved me either way (until the money troubles, that always does it! lol)
I did have a couple of girlfriends along the way that didn't take it so well, but did accept it and still loved me. One said she accepted it comepletely and was not ashamed of me, but then did not want me wearing weomens clothing around her friends, did not want them knowing, and got mad at me because she came home from work and I was dressed up and she was upset because "what if I had brought a friend in with me?" I told her it was my house and she moved in with me and this is what I do and I didn't need her permission to dress up in my own house. Heck, if I am going to go out dressed in public, then why would I have to ask her or anyone else permission to dress up in my own house that I was paying for? I told her that obviously, she was ashamed of it and needed to get beyond it. She didn't give her friends enough credit because they were all wonderful and when they did find out they were completely supportive. I had told her before we made a committment to eachother and she moved in with me that I was wanting to pursue full surgery, but not sure if I would ever be able to afford it, but that was the goal and if I couldn't have surgery that I would eventually get breast implants and live full time as a female regardless and she said that didn't bother her, but apparently it bothered her more than she had expected. She didn't mind me crossdressing, she was just afriad of what her friends would think of her. Even her own parents supported me and bought me nice female clothes on my birthday and Christmas.
I think that what alot of crossdressers/transgendered/transsexuals feel is not shame for being what and who they are, but shame for not feeling good enough for others that they love and admire. I feel sorry for the people with wives that do not accept them dressing and they either are only allowed to crossdress at home or have to completely hide their crossdressing from their wives. I would suggest that you find a good supportive counselor and go see them alone a few times. If the counselor takes the point of view that they are going to help you stop wanting to crossdress, then dump them and find another one. When you feel you have found the right one, then start taking your wife (or significant other) They may be able to help your mate see things from your perspective alot better than you can.
You have to remember. It is YOUR LIFE and you only get to live it once and life is too short.
It is also their life as well, so you do have to recognize that what you do will affect their life as well. You life is together. But you also have to be happy and if something is making you miserable, it isn't fair to you or them. They need to understand that as much as coming out will affect their life, repressing who you truely are on the inside and not being able to be your true self is ruining your life.
Also, let them know that no matter if you are in a suit or in a dress, that you are still the same person that they know and love. It is only the physical appearance that changes. And most people who stand by and support their mates often say that they love them even more once they come out and are comfortable being themselves.
We should not feel ashamed for being ourselves and doing what makes us happy as long as it is not hurting anyone else. We should not feel ashamed for being transgendered, yet society should be ashamed for judging something that they do not understand, especially when many people will not even try to understand. It is wrong to reject or scorn anyone when you haven't even given them a chance to be heard, understood and accepted.
So do not be ashamed of crossdressing, but feel sorry for those who lack the heart to know you before they judge you. They are the ones that are wrong and whose behavior is unacceptable, not ours.
Dress up and be proud! and if the people around you do not support you, then find and surropund yourself with people who will.
Racquel, thanks so much for your encouraging and uplifting comments to our sisters. Your words are a blessing to many.
hugs,
Vanessa
