I don't remember the day I first found a name to describe the desire I had to wear woman's clothes. Yet even before I knew what it was called, I realized there was something forbidden about it. My subconscious kept telling me
Crossdressing is wrong
At not more than four or five years old I umpired the struggle within me between my desire to wear woman's clothes and the feeling inside that kept telling me, 'this is wrong'. Somehow I knew that I needed to hide what I was doing from others.
Over the years my understanding of who I was grew. I learnt that I was not alone, and discovered the difference between transgender and transsexual.
I also learnt that
Crossdressing is not just a curse
many aspects of my personality were influenced by my desire to express the feminine inside of me. My wife tells me that she was attracted to me, in part because I'm a gentle, caring person. These traits I think come from the same place in me that longs for the feminine.
Yet to share this fact wasn't why I decided to write the article. Many books on cross dressing, such as those by Peggy Rudd or Helen Boyd mention that crossdressers inherit some of the positive aspects of the feminine persona. Such as being more gentle.
Growing up I was a very absolute person. I had been taught in Sunday school that there was right and wrong, good and evil. One of the reasons I struggled so much with crossdressing early on, was because I felt it was morally wrong. You see, I had a fairly narrow definition of what was "acceptable" in a human being. If they didn't meet the standard I'd set for them, then I judged them "unworthy" in some way. You don't go to church? 'unworthy'. You don't show care for other people in the exact same way as I do? 'unworthy'.
Coming to terms with my crossdressing made me realize that I, too, was unworthy. So my mind had given me a choice - either continue to judge other people harshly and reflect that same wrath onto myself, or learn to accept their differences. In my more recent vocabulary: Namaste.
Crossdressing has made me realize that we are all "flawed" in some way. Yet it is those very flaws which form the foundation for our beauty. Someone will always think we are too fat, too conservative, too old, too skinny, too liberal, too tall, too short, too loud, too quiet. What they are really saying is: "You are different from me. I haven't yet accepted my differences, so I cannot accept yours."
Wishing you a blessed week. Celebrate your differences!
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P.S. Celebrating your difference doesn't mean you have to stand out. Learn how to cross dress and pass as a woman.
