Living between the man I am and the girl I want to be

when i dress i dont feel i am changing to a woman but being the feminine part of me. i have always felt that i am both gender; I work as a male, my wife is not at all supportive, and when i find time i express the feminine part of me. Not female, just femme. when i am out i feel i am a man who likes to wear tight jeans, wig, heals and a little lipstick. Not that i have some how changed my blood from male to female. God has given me a male body, no amount of surgury could change that and i like what i am, i also like to look different. Looking female some times is just a flavor of me that helps me feel good. You asked for advice, now that you have read how i feel about dressing if you want to read it, here is my advice. "We are creatures of feeling, though we breath air and drink water our true being is in the heart. If our hearts are aching due to a lack of change or to much change we must do all we can to stop that aching and until we have exhausted our selves trying to ease our pain we cannot rest. Some times we are balanced between both wanting change and not wanting change. This is the most difficult aching to stop. it will require acceptance of loss to sway the balance which enables the freedom from that bond. Inner acceptance is the place to search for the answer. Love yourself. Really loving yourself will make the path you wish to take clear, anything less than love will keep you clouded and feeling trapped or empty." Thats it.

Hey there, probably surprisingly enough to be keeping up to date on your journals is that I'm actually a woman (LOL, born as one), but I wanted to say that while I have no experience with what you're going through, I think you must be very strong, and I hope you stay true to who you are, whoever that may be. ^_^

Good luck, sweatheart!
Alicia

PS: I love your journal, A+

Thanks so much for your comments Alicia and Lisa Ann!

Alica, thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. I'm touched by your encouragement, but also by your acceptance.

Lisa Ann, I think I need some more time to process the full extent of what you're saying. I think your final answer is good though, love yourself. I've found sometimes that it can be a hard thing to do.

Yes, accceptance of loss - either way I feel as if I'm going to lose something, and I think I'll look back and pine for what I have lost.

Thanks again for your advice and feedback
Hugs,
Vanessa

Vanessa, you raise some interesting questions. I can only comment on what goes on in my head (or heart), it may well be different for others.

I don't feel split. I don't feel there is a difference between 'him' or 'her'. Indeed, I don't think there is a him/her, there's just me... sometimes I dress like a woman, but mostly I dress like a guy. I don't feel like a woman when dressed up, but I do feel 'connected' in some way. I'm struggling to describe the feeling properly, but when I dress up or go meet other TG people, it feels like I've come home. Everything seems right somehow. It's not to say that I don't get that feeling as a guy - it's just more obvious (perhaps because I recognise it) in the former instances.

Further to what Lisa Ann had to say: you need to accept yourself for who you are. Release that perhaps there is no her or him, just you. Once you reach balance - and self-acceptance - maybe others will be ready to accept you too. It won't happen overnight, but one day you'll release that it's not all bad being TG, there's fun to be had too.

Hi Vanessa,

I read your postings with great interest. My wife also understands my desire to dress in my girlie clothes, which has made a big difference for me. Never let that go, your wife is your best friend in everything you do. I would love to chat "offline" I'm not keen at this stage to go "public" with my views.

I may dress as a girlie, but I am a guy, who wants to be a guy, but loves to wear clothes that make me feel so great inside. As my wife says, it brings out the feminine in me

I would love to chat over email!

Well, I've been dressing for most of my life, well over 40 years now, starting with a pair of tights I pinched from my cousin ! It's grown from that to the point where I've a bigger wardrobe than my wife.
I got to work as a male, I go shopping as a male, but there are times when I need to dress as I feel comfortable. Is that 'being a woman' or just 'being comfy' ?
I have wigs, make-up, shoes, boots, corsets - in fact I dress better in femme mode than I do for the majority of my time as male. It makes me feel good, thats how I describe it, but I know I'll never be a female - that's going a few steps too far for me personally. There are those that want to go for surgery and it's still a mixed bag, of those who like what they have become, and those who are still unhappy.
Acceptance is difficult, my wife knows about Polly but does not encourage me. I'd love to spend more time 'feeling comfy' but family and other circumstances dictate that as not possible. I have to be content with whatever time I can get to myself these days.
Had the Internet been around when I was a teen, and I knew then what I know now, I would have tried my best to change role and live/work in the femme clothing I adore. Again, not being a female, but looking like one perhaps?
We all suffer, in our minds we're unsure how others see us, do they think we're perverts but mutter a few words to say 'I don't mind how you dress' just to please us? I've tried to give my wife as much information as I can so that she can find out about my 'condition' and perhaps understand more about how I feel.I get the feeling she thinks if she does not mention it I'll forget about it, or not bother her with the subject. Having said that, we have been out where I've been dressed fully at T-Girl events, so she's not afraid of me in that role either.
We're all individuals, so there's no fixed 'rule' for how we should handle things. Just do the best we can and have fun when time permits is my way of looking at it.
Polly in Yorkshire, England

hi, im a man and i want to change my body into a woman , i want to make surgery, and habe big nice boobs , nice asse and sweet voice , i need the right place to locate for the job.

I agree with most everything you have written, as I too have to fear becoming too feminine for my wife's taste. It's a hard decision to make, but I think we both know what primevial instinct will win out. We know what we are, and we love ourselves for being us.

Personally I've grown tired of going to work as a true male, because I know I'm not one, nor wish to be. I've started feminizing my every day apperance, first by reducing the width of my eyebrows by more than half, and slowly giving them an apealing arch. I've always shaved my entire body and will continue, I've grown and shaped my fingernails to be more feminine, and apply a soft gloss polish weekly. I'm getting tooo old to hide what I've always known mself to be.

from your words i feel i know you as i know myself. we are all constrained in our own worlds but we must strive to be whole. live life to fulfil your dreams and understand the joy each moment brings.
peace & love,
lili

I have been fully dressed as a woman only twice and both times have been after I was married and both times it felt wonderful.
Do i wish to be a woman? not really, but I really do enjoy looking like one. the clothes feel natural on me and I enjoy putting on make up. I would one day love to go out as a woman but that may never come. My wife is not supportive at all and has at one time commented about divorce if she found out. I do love my wife very much and will not risk our marriage. However! since my wife is unsupportive, I do what I can, so I underdress while at work only. I take a risk doing any type of dressing while at home. But one day I do hope to go out fully dressed and say to the world, "This is who I am". At work, I told 3 of my fellow workers about me and I get along fine with them. I don't want to be a woman at 58, but I sure enjoy looking and dressing as one. It gives me a calming affect and it gives me more confidence too.

I truly understand the feelings you are having and the pain you are going through. I struggled with it for a while and then decided that 50 years of being what I wasn't (if that made sense)was enough and I had to end the dichotomy once and for all.

When I finally came out to my wife, I faced exactly what you fear, the accusations, demand for divorce and the near loss of everything I held dear. My GF (my former wife) and I quite amicably share the same house but under different ground rules. I have my own room and live 95% as Joanna, the one place I havent fully transitioned yet is at work. My manager knows, and has since about the week of my diagnosis. She has given me permission to transition on my own time.

One thing I can tell you, well as it applies to me, is that if you are transgender, dressing will only open the floodgate to your transness. It may well become a poor substitute for what you know has to happen; for example I am on RLE (real life experienc) where I live and as much as possible work as a female. However I have yet to begin hormone therapy, this makes me a crossdresser and untill I get going on HRT I wont begin to feel complete. I have to do this for 2 months, which will be up Aug 12. If you wish to talk further, and in private, contact me on facebook I will give you my personal email.

hi, speaking for the first time in public. it is such a great adrenalin rush when u dress up and take the first step out. I have tried this so many times. when i was young i used to sleep with my sibling sisters , and would wear bra while not telling anybody(obviously) and in midd;le of the night i would wake up and open up my bra hooks and that fear was a great feeling. Now when mu wife is out, i would come back from office and dress up in just bra and a skirt would sit in the balcony around midnight when it just enough dark that no body notices and light a fag. now there is always a chance of getting caught but this feeling is kicking..

would have loved to dress up 24x7 but then may be the interest wont have been so much as there wouldnt have been any taboo.

Well I did decide to try to express my TG side and right now I am losing everything. I am so confused please pray for so. I want to seek God will.

Just a bit of an update. Since I last posted in this thread I have started living 100% as Joanna. I have transitioned at work and the customers are accepting (even if the staff have the pronoun issue). It is truly a great feeling to finally be who I am. I still have several things I need to do but they are on hold pending a move back to Canada next year.

My advice to anyone who thinks they maybe transsexual is to seek a good gender therapist, or a good therapist that is willing to learn about gender issues and get the process started. The longer you leave this the worse it is likely to become. For those who find that cross dressing is the outlet I am happy for you, for me it opened the flood gates for the underlying issue.

peace and love
Joanna