Living between the man I am and the girl I want to be

Living between the man I am and the woman I want to be

It feels so right. Exercising my feminine grace, sharing my soul with a friend or stranger, working on being beautiful. Becoming a woman seems like the worthiest outcome of my efforts, and whenever I think about the necessary practice and perfection to get there it lights a smile inside my soul.

Yet for all my strong desires to be a woman, I go to work on Monday without a trace of the girl within me. I do not need to suffer the sacrifice so many transsexuals make when they transition. And I wonder, is my desire for womanhood just a fantasy that amuses me in my time away from real life?

My lovely wife has been wonderfully supportive. She’s shown more support than I dreamt I would receive. Yet, she loves me for the man I am, and I know that going further down the path to womanhood would mean that I lose the most precious thing in the world to me – the relationship I have with my wife.

Somehow, it feels false for me to split my time between being a man and a woman. It feels more whole to be a man on the journey to womanhood. That even though it is slow, each step is deliberate with a well known end goal. To set such a definitive direction would mean so many things, not least of which are many uncomfortable conversations with those I love.

Don’t misunderstand my confusion – I have come to terms with being transgender – I love and accept that part of myself, along with the many other talents and gifts God has blessed me with. Yet I still struggle with how to express it in a fulfilling way. Unless I have a clear path before me, I resist the necessary practice in the feminine ways that would take me closer to being a woman. If being transgender is part time, more of a ‘hobby’ than a lifestyle for me, how can I be fulfilled?

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158 Comments
  1. Profile photo of Rosaliy Lynne
    Rosaliy Lynne 2 months ago

    I found this article you wrote back in 2008 and I am sure there are a lot of comments on it so far. My cross dressing probably started a lot sooner than my normally accepted ‘start’ in high school. My story from that time seems greatly similar to so many others I have read that I won’t fill in those details here.

    When I started, it was a NEED to dress as opposed to a desire to be a woman. I am not sure why I felt so strongly that NEED but it is the first conscious thought I remember. And the second thought was how good and RIGHT it felt to be so dressed. I had, like others before me, the usual quandary that this is not what I am supposed to be doing and that it was somehow wrong to do this. Still, the NEED was strong and the FEEL was RIGHT.

    Now, finally I am that woman in so far as my transformation is as complete as it will ever be. it is RIGHT to be ME and THIS IS ME!!

  2. Profile photo of Kari Bryant
    Kari Bryant 3 months ago

    Opps, I m so sorry. I got carried away. 🙂

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