Living between the man I am and the girl I want to be

Living between the man I am and the woman I want to be

It feels so right. Exercising my feminine grace, sharing my soul with a friend or stranger, working on being beautiful. Becoming a woman seems like the worthiest outcome of my efforts, and whenever I think about the necessary practice and perfection to get there it lights a smile inside my soul.

Yet for all my strong desires to be a woman, I go to work on Monday without a trace of the girl within me. I do not need to suffer the sacrifice so many transsexuals make when they transition. And I wonder, is my desire for womanhood just a fantasy that amuses me in my time away from real life?

My lovely wife has been wonderfully supportive. She’s shown more support than I dreamt I would receive. Yet, she loves me for the man I am, and I know that going further down the path to womanhood would mean that I lose the most precious thing in the world to me – the relationship I have with my wife.

Somehow, it feels false for me to split my time between being a man and a woman. It feels more whole to be a man on the journey to womanhood. That even though it is slow, each step is deliberate with a well known end goal. To set such a definitive direction would mean so many things, not least of which are many uncomfortable conversations with those I love.

Don’t misunderstand my confusion – I have come to terms with being transgender – I love and accept that part of myself, along with the many other talents and gifts God has blessed me with. Yet I still struggle with how to express it in a fulfilling way. Unless I have a clear path before me, I resist the necessary practice in the feminine ways that would take me closer to being a woman. If being transgender is part time, more of a ‘hobby’ than a lifestyle for me, how can I be fulfilled?

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Victoria
Guest
Victoria

What is so impossible to explain is how it makes you feel to dress up and be a “woman”. It took me 60 years, but I am there. There is no way to explain it…but it helps that the love of my life loves it too. She loves me as “her woman” and she loves me as her man lover too. It all makes us so incredibly close and we both love it.

jenniferlee
Guest
jenniferlee

I am in my 50-s…I have been secretly crossdressing since the age of 17. While I was staying with my parents, I sometimes put on my sisters’ clothes and makeup and looked at myself in the mirror. I started going out in women’s clothes in the middle of the night when I was 24 and have been doing this…on and off…sometimes up to a dozen times in one year…for the past 30 years. My wife doesn’t know this…our marriage will break up if she does. While I am on the street, I look for men to have sex with. Some… Read more »

Savana
Guest
Savana

I have been living as a male. I HATE IT. However, i don’t know if i was made, or born this way. Let me explain. Between the ages of 7 and 10 i was molested by my uncles. Yes i said uncles. One was more then the others,but it happened. One did this until i was thirteen. Next, i was molested by my female babysitter. I know this sounds out of the park, its true. I know it was wrong and perverted of them, but, i enjoyed it. I really did. Between my uncles and babysitter, they broke my cherry… Read more »

urmila
Guest
urmila

Dear Savana reading ur was like me going through my experiences. Like u, I was molested between the age of 6 and 13 by my maternal uncle. and later seduced by an aunt. Even though i didnot like what my uncle did in the beginning, I started liking it and i did enjoy the experience with my aunty. My virginity was lost when my uncle used me. These experiences,Perhaps, in my subconcious mind, made me think i am a female. Somehow, i went through my life as a man and got married and have 2 children. After my second child… Read more »

Jenna
Guest
Jenna

I am almost exactly in the same situation as you and would also love to talk to someone about this. Can we talk?

bill morris
Guest
bill morris

i like to wear woman lingerie i like men to take me to bed i like blk men i tell them all put your blk baby in me deep i want a blk baby so bad i pray for it to happen want to be a woman also i do have a nice small set of boobs now i just want blk men to ,love me in the bed this is day and nite why

macaylla
Guest
macaylla

I am in the the same boat as you are i want so bad to be a girl ive considered the worst thank god my wife has been there for me 75 % of the time but i still have this thought of being a girl and it is killing me

dean
Guest
dean

I know how you feel i feel the same. I have it different from you as I am divorced and can pretty much do as I wan and I want to be a woman

urmila
Guest
urmila

First thing for you to comeout fully, you have to move out and live separately. I am sure she does love you as much as you do, and wouldnot like to loose you, instead she will understand your deeper feelings and will definitely try to adopt

Tina
Guest
Tina

Omg I felt like that for years broke up with my last girlfriend 5 years ago when I came out to her Ben living as a female ever centsafter a year of gended counseling it was con permed what I always knew I am transsexual and I love that about myself would not change who I am for anybody ever again I know who I am and work hard ever day to be the best woman I can be I love myself and my life this all came to me when I fully excepted who I am a transwoman and… Read more »

Gina
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Gina

I have fought for year about man or girl very few know of my more female side. Most of my life I live as a man and was never totally happy and complete. I the past few years I myself have come to realize a man I am not I have start to take herbs for my breast and my clothing is now 30 per cent female I have never been more happier in my life. I know most people do not want to be close to me but that’s okay I am happy

rebeccalynn
Guest
rebeccalynn

What herbs do you take for breast growth?

Jon B
Guest
Jon B

wow put on a dress for the first time and a wig it feels great then I started reading this site I found on the net I now want to explore my feminine side I want to look totally like a woman I am still loving being a guy cant wait to go shopping for dresses shoes panty hose makeup and all I will need thanks I love this site Joan

tom weir
Guest
tom weir

I’m a man that wants to be a woman in all ways plus I’m 55 when I was growing up I was sexually active with a man that was three times my age

dean upton
Guest
dean upton

to me it is my life in a nut shell..i know that I should have be female. t was molested when I was very young by both my brother and cousin. this went on for years. then my mother took her turn. I am not married and I can wear female clothes when ever I want. I cant pass for female but love the feel on my body. I shave most of my body. my daughter tells me that I am very feminine acting. I just want to be a woman. like I am suppose to be. am totally gay.

Shaunalynn
Guest
Shaunalynn

Hi my name is Shaunalynn, I never was molested as a child, Thank god. I feel for the ones that did. You never deserved that and the people who did this should never be happy and live with their gilt. I had a great childhood, parents. I knew from the age of 4 that I was different. I always wanted to be a girl. I would play dress up with my sister, wore her clothes and played with dolls and girls toys. She always said, she wanted another sister. and I always felt I was. As I grew up I… Read more »

sashaolaksana
Guest
sashaolaksana

most people have a few things in common being a cross dresser single mom, first boy or child or abused as a kid

Jennifer Patrick
Guest
Jennifer Patrick

Boy did this article really resonate with me. I just turned 50 and have been cross dressing since I was 10. Through all of the years I have been doing this, through all of the obstacles that challenged my perseverance(and sanity) the guilt, shame, purges, and denial; through the small triumphs(going out cross dressed for the first time) and the happiness I felt when I was dressed and the dawning realization that I finally accepted that this is who I am and the embrace of peace that went along with that revelation; it was the conflict between the male &… Read more »

Clayton H. Vereen
Guest
Clayton H. Vereen

I Clayton vereen want to sign up for the crossdresser Heaven . I am a feminine man that wants to be a female.

Kari Bryant
Member

How many of us really get the chance to express ourselves. I have been very fortunate in the last few months have been given the opportunity to find out or at least explore my total person. I like so many of us have hidden my partial self from everyone that means any thing to me. (43 years to be exact). I have to realize through therapy, heart ache, pain, guilt, self loathing, help from some really great people from this site (again thank you Cynthia ) and all the other emotions that comes with being human that my life is… Read more »

*skippy1965(Cynthia)
Ambassador
Active Member

KAri, You are such an incredible woman! I can’t believe how well you are doing in trying to reconcile the male and female sides of your self. And to do it while keeping your family so close and all is so amazing! You were one of the first people in crisis” who sought me out for advice and I Was SO terrified I would tell you the wrong thing and mess up your life. The fact that you took the leap of faith in texting me-a comparative stranger at the time-humbled me to my core and I just tied to… Read more »

Kari Bryant
Member

Opps, I m so sorry. I got carried away. smile

Rosaliy Lynne
Guest
Rosaliy Lynne

I found this article you wrote back in 2008 and I am sure there are a lot of comments on it so far. My cross dressing probably started a lot sooner than my normally accepted ‘start’ in high school. My story from that time seems greatly similar to so many others I have read that I won’t fill in those details here. When I started, it was a NEED to dress as opposed to a desire to be a woman. I am not sure why I felt so strongly that NEED but it is the first conscious thought I remember.… Read more »

Maneesh kumar pandey
Guest
Maneesh kumar pandey

I want a beautiful loving body because many girls refused me because I have very ugly face and average body type I am very disappointed with my life. I lost my job and now I have little shop . Now what I do. How I be love mate of someone likes me

Gina
Guest
Gina

Hello everybody: My cd name is gina I am 28 yo I been married for 5 yrs and I love my wife to death, thats why Im so afraid of letting her know that Im a cd, the first time I put on some female clothes I was 5 yo, I grabed one of my moms panties and put them on they felt so good and smooth I didnt want to take them off. I have memories from when I was 3 or 4 yo playing with my little junk and not liking it so I tried to hide it… Read more »

michele smith
Lady

just lost wife of 27 yrs for me if I could have her back I would quit dressing she caught me dressed once before she got sick we stadethis is something that wont go away together after she caught me dressed I never told her about my dressing because I thought I could stop me from dressing cause we where together it dosent work that way I found out after I was cought dressing she never wanted to see that again by us talking about dressing it helped keep me from dressing pluss having more sex but now shes gone… Read more »

tammy Marie
Guest
tammy Marie

Wow,sounds like a carbon copy of how I feel.

Elizabeth
Guest
Elizabeth

This sounds almost exactly like the situation that I am in. My wife is my best friend and has been for most of my life. She and I have talked and where you know your path I feel like i am traveling down a dark and lonely road sometimes. I feel with every step I am loosing the best person in my life but am unsure if it is something that I really want. I am happy for you in the fact that you know your path and seem to have accepted and embraced your self so fully. I wish… Read more »

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