Living between the man I am and the woman I want to be

It feels so right. Exercising my feminine grace, sharing my soul with a friend or stranger, working on being beautiful. Becoming a woman seems like the worthiest outcome of my efforts, and whenever I think about the necessary practice and perfection to get there it lights a smile inside my soul.

Yet for all my strong desires to be a woman, I go to work on Monday without a trace of the girl within me. I do not need to suffer the sacrifice so many transsexuals make when they transition. And I wonder, is my desire for womanhood just a fantasy that amuses me in my time away from real life?

My lovely wife has been wonderfully supportive. She’s shown more support than I dreamt I would receive. Yet, she loves me for the man I am, and I know that going further down the path to womanhood would mean that I lose the most precious thing in the world to me – the relationship I have with my wife.

Transgender Heaven - Gender Journey

Somehow, it feels false for me to split my time between being a man and a woman. It feels more whole to be a man on the journey to womanhood. That even though it is slow, each step is deliberate with a well known end goal. To set such a definitive direction would mean so many things, not least of which are many uncomfortable conversations with those I love.

Don’t misunderstand my confusion – I have come to terms with being transgender – I love and accept that part of myself, along with the many other talents and gifts God has blessed me with. Yet I still struggle with how to express it in a fulfilling way. Unless I have a clear path before me, I resist the necessary practice in the feminine ways that would take me closer to being a woman. If being transgender is part time, more of a ‘hobby’ than a lifestyle for me, how can I be fulfilled?

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151 Comments
  1. Clayton H. Vereen 4 years ago

    I Clayton vereen want to sign up for the crossdresser Heaven . I am a feminine man that wants to be a female.

  2. Kari Bryant 3 years ago

    How many of us really get the chance to express ourselves. I have been very fortunate in the last few months have been given the opportunity to find out or at least explore my total person. I like so many of us have hidden my partial self from everyone that means any thing to me. (43 years to be exact). I have to realize through therapy, heart ache, pain, guilt, self loathing, help from some really great people from this site (again thank you Cynthia 🙂 ) and all the other emotions that comes with being human that my life is one interesting and entertaining journey. Nothing is ever set in stone. Looking back over the last six months, I still can’t believe that I have been able to move past the pain, fear, and hurt of having to come out to those I love.
    There are times I still think it is a dream. I never wanted to hurt the ones I love, but I did by not being honest about who I am with my wife and kids. My family is everything. Without them, I would lack the focus they give me. They ground me. Having to explain to them about a special part of me was the hardest thing I have ever done. My wife, who has been my best friend for over twenty years, I still feel the guilt. I changed everything by not being honest. If nothing else has been learned about this experience- that is the one lesson I will go to my grave with. Be honest with yourself and be honest with the ones you love regardless how hard it is. Still working with that one 🙂
    My wife still has a difficult time, but the incredible side of her still loves me. I recently moved out at the first of the year. Again a very difficult thing to do, but we have worked on ourselves and our relationship. We moved away from the big “D” word and redefined what it really means to be married and a family. I am less than a mile from our home and the only real difference is that I just sleep in a different bed for a while. I am still very involved with our kids. We still do everything a a family and we are getting along a lot better than previous years. We actually go on dates again. Haven’t been able to do that in years. 🙂 She has given me a very special gift of trying to figure out who I am. How much of my two salves are actually one. And how does this all work? Yes, it is very hard. I do miss the background noises of three beautiful daughters, bickering or arguing over who borrowed whose clothes, whose turn is it to do dishes, etc… I still try and laugh at the little things in life and smile when I see a beautiful sunrise on the way to work and remember what ever else life throws at me I still four beautiful women who love me. What more could I ask for?

    • KAri,
      You are such an incredible woman! I can’t believe how well you are doing in trying to reconcile the male and female sides of your self. And to do it while keeping your family so close and all is so amazing! You were one of the first people in crisis” who sought me out for advice and I Was SO terrified I would tell you the wrong thing and mess up your life. The fact that you took the leap of faith in texting me-a comparative stranger at the time-humbled me to my core and I just tied to let God speak through me! It was HE and you and your wonderful family that got you through all that-not this crazy mixed up girl who is still trying to figure out herself whether transitioning is in m future or not. I am SO afraid of what might happen with work and family but am also afraid to NOT let this part of me out to live and express herself!. One day I’ll probably be the one frantically texting you for advice! 🙂

      Anyway, please keep me up to date on your story. I Feel like I know you and your daughters already, and I wish ALL of you the best in whatever path you end up taking!

      Cyn

  3. Kari Bryant 3 years ago

    Opps, I m so sorry. I got carried away. 🙂

  4. Rosaliy Lynne 3 years ago

    I found this article you wrote back in 2008 and I am sure there are a lot of comments on it so far. My cross dressing probably started a lot sooner than my normally accepted ‘start’ in high school. My story from that time seems greatly similar to so many others I have read that I won’t fill in those details here.

    When I started, it was a NEED to dress as opposed to a desire to be a woman. I am not sure why I felt so strongly that NEED but it is the first conscious thought I remember. And the second thought was how good and RIGHT it felt to be so dressed. I had, like others before me, the usual quandary that this is not what I am supposed to be doing and that it was somehow wrong to do this. Still, the NEED was strong and the FEEL was RIGHT.

    Now, finally I am that woman in so far as my transformation is as complete as it will ever be. it is RIGHT to be ME and THIS IS ME!!

  5. Maneesh kumar pandey 2 years ago

    I want a beautiful loving body because many girls refused me because I have very ugly face and average body type I am very disappointed with my life. I lost my job and now I have little shop . Now what I do. How I be love mate of someone likes me

  6. Gina 1 year ago

    Hello everybody:
    My cd name is gina I am 28 yo I been married for 5 yrs and I love my wife to death, thats why Im so afraid of letting her know that Im a cd, the first time I put on some female clothes I was 5 yo, I grabed one of my moms panties and put them on they felt so good and smooth I didnt want to take them off. I have memories from when I was 3 or 4 yo playing with my little junk and not liking it so I tried to hide it in a little stocking lol ;back then I used to play a lot with my moms high heels and dresses, even with her lipsticks haha at the begining my mom wouldnt tell me anything but then as I started to be more femenine in my walking, my gestures and talking my mom started to reprehend me for it. I even remember when in school I used to tell my peers that I liked boys and that when I growed up I was gonna be a girl. Then my dad notised how fem I was or maybe my mom told him Idk but he started to talk to me about how bad it was to be gay and wanting to be a girl, he told me gays and trans go to hell, and that nobody likes them, so I stopped for a long time until I was 9 or 10 yo one of my cousins who was 1 year younger than me had just moved closer to us and he asked me to suck him so I did and I liked it so much that up to this day I still crave being the girl of a man. A long time passed and I didnt xdress again until I was 18 yo my dad was out of the country and my mom worked a lot so she would always get home late so I used to xdress a lot in this time she wasnt home i would put make up on. paint my nails and toes, didnt have wigs back then but everything else I would take borrowed from my moms and pretty much my whole life its been like this like on and off xdressing.
    I have never been with a man other than when I sucked off my cousin, I met my wife and stopped xdressing for the first 4 years of marriage, buy since 1 year ago this need and urges to xdress has come back and even harder than it ever was, now I have the urge to go out in public and so I do, also I crave men like crazy most of the time altgough I love my wife. Honestly Idk what to do anymore I feel trapped, I want to be a woman and have a boyfriend, be desired, and protected by my men, i wanna be sexy for him and have as much sex as he ask me for, I want to coock for him but I dont wanna loose my wife neithee I really love her so much, and I know that what I say doesnt make sence at all but thats how I feel and I just cant stop, latelly I hate my penis so much I dont even wanna see it so I tuck most of the time, and also latelly Ive been doing a lot of girly shopping.

  7. michele smith 11 months ago

    just lost wife of 27 yrs for me if I could have her back I would quit dressing she caught me dressed once before she got sick we stadethis is something that wont go away together after she caught me dressed I never told her about my dressing because I thought I could stop me from dressing cause we where together it dosent work that way I found out after I was cought dressing she never wanted to see that again by us talking about dressing it helped keep me from dressing pluss having more sex but now shes gone and I know now this is something I have to do either to learn something or just experience dressing before its my turn to pass so in my next life I may not have to go through all this again

  8. tammy Marie 9 months ago

    Wow,sounds like a carbon copy of how I feel.

  9. Elizabeth 9 months ago

    This sounds almost exactly like the situation that I am in. My wife is my best friend and has been for most of my life. She and I have talked and where you know your path I feel like i am traveling down a dark and lonely road sometimes. I feel with every step I am loosing the best person in my life but am unsure if it is something that I really want. I am happy for you in the fact that you know your path and seem to have accepted and embraced your self so fully. I wish you all the happiness in the world.

  10. Stephanie Kennedy 4 months ago

    Hi Venessa your story is very heart felt. I feel I am caught between two worlds I very much want to be the woman that I have hidden for so many years ,too many years I am truly sad about that ,at the same time I am excited about the woman I can be. Confused

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