Living between the man I am and the girl I want to be

It feels so right. Exercising my feminine grace, sharing my soul with a friend or stranger, working on being beautiful. Becoming a woman seems like the worthiest outcome of my efforts, and whenever I think about the necessary practice and perfection to get there it lights a smile inside my soul.

Yet for all my strong desires to be a woman, I go to work on Monday without a trace of the girl within me. I do not need to suffer the sacrifice so many transsexuals make when they transition. And I wonder, is my desire for womanhood just a fantasy that amuses me in my time away from real life?

My lovely wife has been wonderfully supportive. She's shown more support than I dreamt I would receive. Yet, she loves me for the man I am, and I know that going further down the path to womanhood would mean that I lose the most precious thing in the world to me - the relationship I have with my wife.

Somehow, it feels false for me to split my time between being a man and a woman. It feels more whole to be a man on the journey to womanhood. That even though it is slow, each step is deliberate with a well known end goal. To set such a definitive direction would mean so many things, not least of which are many uncomfortable conversations with those I love.

Don't misunderstand my confusion - I have come to terms with being transgender - I love and accept that part of myself, along with the many other talents and gifts God has blessed me with. Yet I still struggle with how to express it in a fulfilling way. Unless I have a clear path before me, I resist the necessary practice in the feminine ways that would take me closer to being a woman. If being transgender is part time, more of a 'hobby' than a lifestyle for me, how can I be fulfilled?

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152 comments

  1. Shaunalynn 16 December, 2014 at 07:38 Reply

    Hi my name is Shaunalynn, I never was molested as a child, Thank god. I feel for the ones that did. You never deserved that and the people who did this should never be happy and live with their gilt. I had a great childhood, parents. I knew from the age of 4 that I was different. I always wanted to be a girl. I would play dress up with my sister, wore her clothes and played with dolls and girls toys. She always said, she wanted another sister. and I always felt I was. As I grew up I never changed, I still wanted to be a girl. I been married, girlfriends normal things as a man. I have always been feminine. Even the women I been with said the same. Some enjoyed it some did not. I am going for the next step. I have a pyco and I am on my way. I am starting HRT and I am happy about this. I am so tiered of the fight. Its time to be happy. I don’t know about the surgery. But I know I needed to do to be happy and content in mm life. Lots Of Love Shauna

  2. dean upton 19 July, 2014 at 12:19 Reply

    to me it is my life in a nut shell..i know that I should have be female. t was molested when I was very young by both my brother and cousin. this went on for years. then my mother took her turn. I am not married and I can wear female clothes when ever I want. I cant pass for female but love the feel on my body. I shave most of my body. my daughter tells me that I am very feminine acting. I just want to be a woman. like I am suppose to be. am totally gay.

  3. tom weir 18 February, 2014 at 14:37 Reply

    I’m a man that wants to be a woman in all ways plus I’m 55 when I was growing up I was sexually active with a man that was three times my age

  4. Jon B 1 January, 2014 at 11:52 Reply

    wow put on a dress for the first time and a wig it feels great then I started reading this site I found on the net I now want to explore my feminine side I want to look totally like a woman I am still loving being a guy cant wait to go shopping for dresses shoes panty hose makeup and all I will need thanks I love this site Joan

  5. Gina 12 October, 2013 at 11:36 Reply

    I have fought for year about man or girl very few know of my more female side. Most of my life I live as a man and was never totally happy and complete. I the past few years I myself have come to realize a man I am not I have start to take herbs for my breast and my clothing is now 30 per cent female I have never been more happier in my life. I know most people do not want to be close to me but that’s okay I am happy

  6. Savana 14 August, 2013 at 08:22 Reply

    I have been living as a male. I HATE IT. However, i don’t know if i was made, or born this way. Let me explain. Between the ages of 7 and 10 i was molested by my uncles. Yes i said uncles. One was more then the others,but it happened. One did this until i was thirteen. Next, i was molested by my female babysitter. I know this sounds out of the park, its true. I know it was wrong and perverted of them, but, i enjoyed it. I really did. Between my uncles and babysitter, they broke my cherry in a way. This act,this behavior what ever it was,could have made me feel like a girl.Or was i born to be female, and was not given the chance to be who i am. I would try to grow my hair, and my mother would cut it off. When i got around fourteen, i would not let her cut it anymore. As i grew, time,circumstances,influence forced me to be male.Time also has made me look masculine. My wife tolerates my fem side. I am very subtle when wearing clothes. I do not want to look like a man in a dress. I would rather look like a man. However,I am slowly changing,transforming from the inside out. My body is always hairless. My hair is long and somewhat styled feminine. I use feminine products. I know this wont work, but i do it for my frame of mind, is take a women multi vitamin. I have a very young male face, this is the only thing that works for me. I want to wear makeup,however i have not reached this yet with my wife. I want to completely come out to my wife. I am afraid she would not love me anymore. This is why i did not fight to change during my life. I did not want to lose my family. I need love,closeness. The sex with my wife and I have suffered. I love having sex with her, i just would like if she would take initiative. My daughter and her children live with us,so its very difficult to be intimate with her, and i want to make love to her as a women. Haven’t done that yet. There’s more. Bottom line i want to die as a women not a man.
    I have nobody to talk to about this. I need Help.

    • urmila 15 August, 2013 at 02:22 Reply

      Dear Savana
      reading ur was like me going through my experiences. Like u, I was molested between the age of 6 and 13 by my maternal uncle. and later seduced by an aunt. Even though i didnot like what my uncle did in the beginning, I started liking it and i did enjoy the experience with my aunty. My virginity was lost when my uncle used me.
      These experiences,Perhaps, in my subconcious mind, made me think i am a female. Somehow, i went through my life as a man and got married and have 2 children. After my second child was born, What was in my subconcious started come out and i started dressing up secretelt first and because it was too much of a strain, I did come out to my wife and thankfuuly, after the initial shock and resistence, she has accepted it fully. But bevause of our children and the society, she has made me promise that it will only be between us. and nobody should know about it, and now we are gradually moving towards role reversal and shortly, she will be the sole bread winner and the home maker and taking care of the children. Now with this arrangement I feel free and quite satisfied and have accepted the position. This way I am not loosing my family and the love of the woman i adore.
      I do having sex with her, the difference is that she takes the initiative and it is she on top most of the time.
      I am thanking God for all his blessings and happy now
      See u can find a compromise like I have done and be with ur family. good luck and best wishes Savana
      love
      urmila

    • Jenna 13 March, 2014 at 12:45 Reply

      I am almost exactly in the same situation as you and would also love to talk to someone about this. Can we talk?

      • bill morris 22 March, 2014 at 11:25 Reply

        i like to wear woman lingerie i like men to take me to bed i like blk men i tell them all put your blk baby in me deep i want a blk baby so bad i pray for it to happen want to be a woman also i do have a nice small set of boobs now i just want blk men to ,love me in the bed this is day and nite why

    • macaylla 20 June, 2014 at 12:35 Reply

      I am in the the same boat as you are i want so bad to be a girl ive considered the worst thank god my wife has been there for me 75 % of the time but i still have this thought of being a girl and it is killing me

    • dean 19 July, 2014 at 12:23 Reply

      I know how you feel i feel the same. I have it different from you as I am divorced and can pretty much do as I wan and I want to be a woman

    • urmila 26 December, 2014 at 06:36 Reply

      First thing for you to comeout fully, you have to move out and live separately. I am sure she does love you as much as you do, and wouldnot like to loose you, instead she will understand your deeper feelings and will definitely try to adopt

    • Tina 28 January, 2015 at 11:52 Reply

      Omg I felt like that for years broke up with my last girlfriend 5 years ago when I came out to her Ben living as a female ever centsafter a year of gended counseling it was con permed what I always knew I am transsexual and I love that about myself would not change who I am for anybody ever again I know who I am and work hard ever day to be the best woman I can be I love myself and my life this all came to me when I fully excepted who I am a transwoman and always have been lov tina

  7. jenniferlee 18 June, 2013 at 08:26 Reply

    I am in my 50-s…I have been secretly crossdressing since the age of 17. While I was staying with my parents, I sometimes put on my sisters’ clothes and makeup and looked at myself in the mirror. I started going out in women’s clothes in the middle of the night when I was 24 and have been doing this…on and off…sometimes up to a dozen times in one year…for the past 30 years. My wife doesn’t know this…our marriage will break up if she does.

    While I am on the street, I look for men to have sex with. Some men just run off…after knowing that I am a man…but others go all the way with me…I usually get down on my knees to suck them off…and occasionally I have anal sex with them.

    My addiction to cross-dressing is a nightmare…literally speaking…because in the middle of the night I just suddenly feel those irresistible urges… I have to put on a wig and my wife’s clothes…and then off I go onto the street for ‘man-hunting’.

    I am glad to have this opportunity to share my insanity with you.

  8. Victoria 27 May, 2013 at 18:13 Reply

    What is so impossible to explain is how it makes you feel to dress up and be a “woman”. It took me 60 years, but I am there. There is no way to explain it…but it helps that the love of my life loves it too. She loves me as “her woman” and she loves me as her man lover too. It all makes us so incredibly close and we both love it.

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  11. dustin 5 March, 2013 at 11:23 Reply

    i am a gay cross dresser………………. i have no one who loves me, no one who supports me. the only people who want that role are the ones that only want to fuck me………… not going to happen…… if i didnt have my son, i would kill myself………………

    • urmila 5 March, 2013 at 23:09 Reply

      Have hope dustin dear, I am sure u will meet a person who will love u until then be patient and cheerfu

    • Nikki Luuven 7 May, 2013 at 10:49 Reply

      Oh Sweetie please do not do anything drastic-many of us live with the same despair and depression. Find girlfriends you can talk to and spend time with-I live near Columbus Oh and would be more than glad to help. Hugs Nikki

  12. William/Victoria 4 March, 2013 at 04:35 Reply

    Vanessa – You shouldn’t struggle with your life between a man an a woman. You can enjoy being both. The thrilling time is when it’s time to pick out an outfit and you start to make the change…the rush is exciting and you feel tingly inside. It’s all good…very good.

  13. Genivieve 2 March, 2013 at 09:43 Reply

    Vanessa,
    How right on you are about the splitting of your time between your male and female sides.
    In an effort not to hurt my wife I did the same. Our kids never knew about me only my wife. she passed away a little over a year ago, now I can express my feminine side as often and as long as I like. That said I trade it to have wife back without reservation.

  14. urmila 26 February, 2013 at 01:32 Reply

    Dear venessa
    I understand your position dear. Luckily u have a very understanding woman as your wife. I am sure u dont want to lose her, hence it is not advisable to go in for comlete transition. U can be the woman u want to be , even without going in for operations etc. For a change, accept the woman u love as ur husband and be a good housewife to her, If it is possible u can stop working outside and bexome a full time “housewife”. Let her be the providr and the one to take all major decisions. And If u decide to have kids ion future, u can take up the conventional mother’s role of nurturing and raising the child
    Of course the decision has to be urs – if u want to go in for full transition and lose the person u love or accept a compromise and live with that wonderful person.
    personally, i can tell u that i have accepted that i cant go in for transition and loose what all i have and am living the life of a “housewife” and give her a good home to come back

    • Praveen 13 July, 2013 at 02:37 Reply

      dear urmila,
      i am accepting what you said. i am new to here. i have now started looking for a person. I love cross dressing. i have not done many times. may be once or twice. I am ready to accept your point and looking for person if anybody interested i would like to see. i dont want to go for transition.

  15. karla 24 February, 2013 at 17:10 Reply

    I am crossdresser, 10 yrs ago, I am married with a woman, whe knows who I am. I am happy using skirts, high heels, pantyhoses, etc. I want to share my feelings and opinions with cd sisters.
    Hugs to all of you
    Karla

    • Jenna 18 June, 2013 at 12:40 Reply

      Vanessa, I am riding the same boat as you. I have the extremely strong urge to go out as a woman and to be more of the woman that I desire to be. When I am at home with my wife, I am usually in a nice top and skirt or short pants. I don’t own any mens underwear. The only underwear I have is what my wife has helped me pick out at VS. We go shopping virually every week-end. Regardless as to where we are shopping, be it VS, The Gap, The Loft, Coach or whatever, she insists on me picking something out for myself. When I go to work, no one would ever know that under my drab clothes I am usually wearing a nice lacey or silk thong, panty hose, shaved legs and my toes are nicely painted. I love my wife very very much and would never do anything what so ever to hurt her. I deeply appreciate the support she has given me and the time she has taken to try and understand what I do. I am not looking to have an affair with either a man or a woman but I would rather spend time with other girls such as myself just to talk and enjoy each others company. When I am dressed femmed, I am SOOOOOOOOO much more relaxed. I find that my feminine traits are coming out more and more when we are in public and it concerns me even less and less. I currently divide my time 60/40 being femmed the 60 part of it but I am struggling to get it over that 90% mark. I have been searching for any type of assistance that I can get to help me move forward with being more feminized. I have looked for support groups in my area but they are pretty much non existant. Just to feel whole inside I know that that is the way I must move. I understand that men becoming femmed is much more common than one would think, but it is still extremely difficult to find other girls such as myself to spend time with and maybe learn from each others experience. I to would appreciate hearing from other girls in the same situation.

      • jenniferlee 18 June, 2013 at 19:13 Reply

        You are lucky to have a wife who is so supportive of your situation. One night nearly 30 years ago, I was caught red-handed by my wife while wearing women’s clothes and walking on the street late at night. She was so upset by what I did that I promised never ever to do that again. But even now I am still occasionally getting my release through wearing women’s clothes and walking around the streets…just like that…with a wig on and in a skirt… late at night…just a walk like that is enough to release my tension…but sometimes I go a step further by inviting the men (or boys) I meet on the street to have sex with me. I guess I am a real pervert.

  16. shbha 3 February, 2013 at 08:51 Reply

    I want to ask, If GENDER ROLE REVERSAL then what should call boys and merred mens, means now we call merred womens MRS, and for girls MISS, then what we should call boys and merred mens?

  17. Caroline 16 January, 2013 at 00:45 Reply

    Hi Vanessa,

    What a fantastic site this is. My question is: what does an ageing crossdresser do? Stop changing? Impossible. Give up on fashion? Impossible. I have found the best way is to age gracefully and adapt to clothing that goes well with one’s age group. One example: I am now off the 4-inch heels I have always adored wearing and go about in nothing higher than 2 inches. The same goes for skirts. I do wear minis indoors, but for outdoors I now opt for maxi dresses, long skirts, leggings, jeggings and slacks. I would love to hear from 60+ girls and to know how they have coped. One thing is certain: the need to satisfy the female in us never fades away.

  18. sasha lee 5 December, 2012 at 20:09 Reply

    iam so envios and jelous, i only go out as sasha at night late at nite when most people are in bed. i know i defo wanna be a girl i do orr can make myself look girly. heels all the way
    an have to have my nails done. iam jus gunna go for it soon i dont wanna leave it to late an end up an old lady.

  19. rebeccalynn 1 December, 2012 at 05:10 Reply

    Hi vanessa Im 51 yrs old been a cross dresser all my life. I used to think I was a crossdresser, now I feel im more than that. Iv’e been married 26 years,and I truely love her. She just can’t accept me as I am. For the past 6 years I feel that I want to be female. My wife used to call me faggot and all sorts of names.When I started to shave my legs she got angry and said,She’s not married to a woman, and thats how she feels.I can’t help the way I feel, and I feel im a woman. I want to start to transition. it seems that all I want to be is a woman. So now I have to move out and live my life as I feel. I just can’t seem to find the right way to leave. Rebeccalynn

  20. Kim 21 November, 2012 at 07:51 Reply

    Last summer I sat down one day and began to accept who I was.. And I let her in (Kim) that is.Who I chose as my femme name. I had all ready kept myself shaved for almost a year or two.. I began to dress more and more .. My S.O. slept sleeped down stairs on the couch .. I snored to loud.. Ha. So that gave me the bedroom all night ,so I took advantage of it .When I dressed I finally put all the peices together, wig, cloths etc. I was amazed that I looked that good even at 57 I looked 10years younger . Felt attractive again .. I have never been comfortable in my male body. I wanted more and more. And I really felt good .I could not wait till night so I could get dressed up again.It was what I finaly wanted and the first time I felt right with my world. I lost weight was more tender with people , more outgoing,enjoyed being with others, over all had a real good attitude about life(not dressed of course) but still in the mind set of letting Kim be a part of me more than I ever had.I really liked me for once.THEN My S.O. found how much I was dressing ( almost every night).I also need to tell you that I told her within the 1st year of our relationship that I was a crossdresser ,,So nothing new there ..Right? Not as far as she was concerned . We sat and had long talks about the CD . Since I had been doing it so much ,she felt betrayed, that I was having an affair with Kim . Itold her that it was still me. But she explained that it was not the male she had always had. I (the male) was still here. I just had found another part of me. Still I had to try to understand where she was and what I had done to make her feel this way. So we talked and reached an agreement that I would be allowed to CD on Sunday night all night so it did not mess our Sat night of sex that we negotiated we would have. This was the night for me to focus on her and her needs . (that worked well) then all the guilt on her part stepped in and she realized that she was trying to control my CD. So then all of it became such a mess that her true feelings came out.She wants to accept it like she did before but wants me to just put on maybe heels and a little lingere, Its a start . She is and has been the love of my life. These situations are precarios at best. I have discovered that it was not telling (or the lies) that I had and was doing more CDfor alot longer time afterI was asked if everything was allright with us. CD’s being used to secrets lie when confronted. A knee jerk reaction. It’s not right or fair to others. So as of now I purged most of my things and I told here that it was all. Then she tells me that she would have liked to have gone through it with me. So it was still in the garage so I did what any CD would do went and recovered all the black things and jewelry ,wig etc. I still have not told her what I did. I have so much trouble telling the truth about my CD’ing for the fear of her loss. I have stuffed all this sinced I was 6 or 7 it is now just wanting to blowout like a volocano. I am trying to keep a top on it for right now untill she say that she has her head around it better and to let the hurt from the affair get better ..So we will go from here . As most will say I am luckey to have her, well yes , yes I am. That is why I beleive it will be better than I ever wanted to be. Well you all know how our minds work!a

      • Kimberly 25 September, 2013 at 22:59 Reply

        Hi
        Ihave tried not to get dressed but I find my self going out in public now. I have only gone to the local boutique where Iam ok and accepted .Iwent tonight an picked up a new corset to go out in . The thing is that promised not to shave my body and face . I really like to go out on Friday nite by myself to the local club The girls at the shop say that I am quite passable 6″ foot 240 lbs but I know I can pull it off the thrill of it is a rush and the fear of being a target is quite scary .I will not have the kids at home on Friday nite so It would be nice to do it. She is very hard for me to tell her that /I want to go out of the house . I am afraid that it will break us up after15yrs. She has known all the tine that I am a cd.But in the last couple years I have doing it a lot more . Ithink it is because Iam59 and am letting out years of hiding . I really love to get dressed up in nice clothes .I used to want to look like a slut but I have changed to a lot more clssy look a little longes skirts and less tight tops but still 5inch heels I look about 45 to50 and have been working very hard to Get the makeup look so is not trashy and it works well now. She says that it might be a deal breaker when I do go public I do not know. She said that when Kim is around it feels like an affair . I under stand this ..I wish she could met here and under it is the same person that loves her very much and I allways cannot wait till she gets home . not dressed of course. I really like being out in public but not to close to normal people. just clubs where cd is ok to be. I do not want to have a beard any more but she also like my looks . We did agree on a couple weekends that I can go to hotel a year . I need to tell her that is what want to do in the next couple of weekeds and I want to go ouy .Also on holloween I want to go out as a really sexy witch or a maid not with warts but beautiful. I an already planning it in my head .I suppose it is part of the fantasy also. But it would fun.with her and also on a leash by her . get the oicture . For the most part a am game for a lot of stuff so what do I do? Iwant her to be very mutch involved and since was just my B-day thay would be a reallynice present. justa weekend by myself. To be me.I hope that it not becoming an addiction. I have recenty wanted be very passionet about wanting to satisfy her .But I do not want her to think it so I can goaway and cd. so I am trying not to think of thet at all / I hope this works out .I’ll let you know .
        xoxo Kimberly Lloyd

  21. urmila11 11 November, 2012 at 04:07 Reply

    Dear vanessa, since little more than 5 years, I am living exactly like u, trying to be the woman i want to be and feeking feminine in home, but not in the presence of my kids, and as a man on working days. But to keep in toucj with mt feminine side, i do panties and cami under my dress to office. Sine our society is so conservative, my wife is a wonderful person who understands me and is bery supportive.I am trying to find peace as i am giving out the thought of becoming fully feminine, especially because of my kids.
    But that has restricted me in becoming more and more feminine in my thinking and to some extent in my behaviour.
    Each of us have to decide based on our circumstabces the course we can take

  22. kevin 10 November, 2012 at 05:14 Reply

    I’m a man I’ve hidden long enough my girlfriend has found many login in on this subject. I love her but I rather dress like her. I’m having problem with opening up with this my best friend lezboleigh try to help but she tore up my bras an I’m heart broken. God help me come out

  23. Dani 5 November, 2012 at 14:50 Reply

    The last 4 years I have discovered a powerful feeling that made me suffer when I first faced it. After 28 years of living as a man, dating girls, playing soccer and doing all the things young guys are suposed to do…I began to feel a strong desire of dressing as a girl, with make up and everything. Buying clothes was always a stressing situation but when I came home that tension turned into excitment and I spent as much time I could as a girl…but always at home. I stared at the figure on the mirror and I really enjoyed looking femenine. Trying to understand what was happening to me, I remembered little details of my childhood…dressing as a girl when I played with my sister when I was 4 or 5 years old, trying my mother´s clothes or trying my classmate´s boots when I was 10 or 12.
    My girlfriend never suspected what was going on.
    With time, it was not only dressing like a girl…I started to feel like a girl and I really enjoyed it, but I had to face reality every day to get to work, when I went out with my friends and when I was with her. One day I couldn´t lie anymore and I told her my biggest secret. We cried a lot…she was really sad and angry because she felt I lied many years. I was surprised to see that she was finally very supportive and decided to stay with me. After 7 months we are still together…but she is expecting that I don´t dress anymore because she knows that what I really feel is that I´m on my way to fulfill my deepest desire…become a woman.
    So I´m struggling with my own fears and the risk of loosing my beloved soul mate.
    I hope people facing this situation find the solution…for me the answer is still missing.
    Hugs

    • urmila11 7 November, 2012 at 00:43 Reply

      dear dani.
      I have got a feeling that u will succed without loosing your girl friend, and she will accept u, since she really loves u

      • Dani 9 November, 2012 at 12:26 Reply

        Thank you very much for your supporting words.
        I know she is making a big effort to understand what´s happening to me.
        I hope in my future messages I can tell you I´m on my way to my true self and not alone…

  24. Joyce 12 October, 2012 at 04:46 Reply

    I have the same problems. I am so happy when I am dressed as Joyce. It gives me a wonderful day. I sometimes wonder if I have Kleinfelter’s Syndrome. Two x chromosomes and one y because I didn’t just decide to be a crossdresser one day. It was always there. It’s in my blood or my genes. I don’t know. But I am happy with it, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Except the fear of being caught when I am expressing my true self. Does anyone know where you get chromosome testing done? I do not want to ask my doctor becsause of embarassment.

  25. Sophia 27 September, 2012 at 14:12 Reply

    When I was 9 I tried dressing in my moms cloths and was caught by my dad, he offered to buy my own girls clothing, but I was embarrassed and said no. In my teen years I stole my sisters cloths and would put them on when no one was home and than would put them back before she notice. I never pursued my feminine side and went on to have 5 children. I am now 42 and it was like a light bulb or a switch was turned on that told me to stop living in a lie. I would see guys and was turned on by them, I still like girls but know I want to be a woman. I put a bra an panties on and it just feels so right to me. I am a big guy and have balding hair, so I know when it comes to looks that is one thing I just do not have. My girlfriend thinks I am going through a midlife crisis but I know what I feel and that is not it. Don’t give up on who you are, we always tell our kids you can be whatever you want. It is time for those that feel like us to be who we want. I wish you all the best on your Journey and hope you find the peace inside and the courage to be who you want.

  26. Stella 20 September, 2012 at 11:21 Reply

    I am just now trying to understand my gender. I love dressing as a female but my wife thinks it is really not the manly thing to do. istarted when i was 15 and now 59. kept it burried until now. it took suicide atempt to bring to me to this point. my theripist suggest i explore this new life. my wife threatens to leave if i continue to go beyondpanties and nylons. does anyone know of any support groups around north idaho.

  27. Michelle Hart 22 July, 2012 at 05:45 Reply

    When I was yoounger, I never had a real proble being the young girl that I knew I was. It showed in almost everything I did. Then I had to grow up and face the reality that no matter how hard I tried to keep being the woman I was, life kept kicking me down.

    In my teens, I acted and somewhat dressed everyday as a woman. I even found a guy that seemed to love me for being me. My girl friends would encourage me to be truely beautiful and feminine. Reality was my parents that slapped me down for being me. As they put it “This world doesn’t need another weirdo in it so act like a man”.

    I hid all the time I was in the military. I even dated women so as to keep up the front so I wouldn’t end up being kicked out. Then a doctor and my own stupidity did something that I now regret. I allow him to treat me with T so I could look more like a man. I hated the changes it did to my body and my mind. It changed me into a being that I dispised. I became a testestrone dripping male.

    Today, I am still married to a woman that I became involved with while trying to hide. At first, she was reluctant to accept who or should I say what I was. She married a loud obnoxious male and she never wanted to be involved with a woman. Later in our marrage, when The feeling and emotions overwhelmed me to be the real me, we fought (screaming, yelling, crying, etc.) it out and she became somewhat accepting.

    Today, I have learned to straddle both sides of the gender line. I know that there would be no way I could ever pass in public as a woman because of the abuse I’ve done to my body over the years. I am somewhat happy with being just me but would prefer to be the woman I have hidden from the world.

  28. mistee 4 July, 2012 at 10:13 Reply

    i am new to this lifestyle and can not believe how great it makes me feel….my soon to be wife started my transformation and supports me in my crossdressing. In fact, she could care less who sees me dressed up!!!!im so scared about embarressing her….but we walk our dog with me dressed and i feel fine. We also have a close female friend that accepts me dressed up which helps me alot……i would love to chat with more people like me, but who knows….thank for reading, it makes me feel better just getting it off my chest

  29. Tammy 11 April, 2012 at 13:54 Reply

    I bye my own things I dress almost every day. I’m a man and want to stay a man but I feel more relaxes dressing in wemon clothing. like right now I’m dressed in a black skirt a blue blouse blue shoes to mach the blouse . I fell more relaxed. You know when you come home from a trying day at the office you slip out of your daily clothes and into something more relaxing. Me it is these clothes. I’m decent looking and I don’t feel like competing with my wife as dressing. she looks better then i do in the clothes.
    I ware these skirts because wemon don’t ware skirts anymore. I like them. You go out in the world to day and look how many wemon ware skirts not many. They like to dress like us men in pance . So you may think it is funny for me to dress this way. I don’t I’m dressed. Some people would say his wife wares the pants in the family. No we are equal in every decision. Yes my wife is the boss and it is that way because I want it to be that way. I still make the money and I still pay the bills here. So think the way you wont feel the way you are I bye my own clothes and these are some of the clothes I bye and I’m happy.
    Yes some time I ware some panties and a bra to work under my work clothes but I don’t see where I’m hurting any one or trying to be someone I’m not. I’m just me. My kids and wife love me as me. I don’t think my wife or my kids would want me anyother way. I gess I’m saying I’m diffent then most people and I care. So let not brand the clothes ware what you want and relax. don’t let anyone tell you you cant do this . It is my money I bye my own clothes and I’m going to ware them thank you. I’m still a cross dressing man.

    • mistee 4 July, 2012 at 10:22 Reply

      i agree, i work really hard and come home and take Ricks clothes off and dress as mistee…and cant wait for the weekend when i dont have to change

    • urmila11 3 November, 2012 at 03:11 Reply

      I perfectly understand you, My case is similar ti yoursm except that my kids dont know about my dressing, I do it when in our bedroom or when kusd are away, Even in my house wife is the boss and she is the one who takes decisions
      I always wear panties and slips under my regular clothing and some times sports bra with wide straps to my office.

  30. Tammy 11 April, 2012 at 08:23 Reply

    First of all you know how strong your desire is to dress and feal like woman . You must have known this before you got married. I don’t know how any man could give his wife up if she lets him dress and have his way like you say she does . Wow I wish I could have this women. You must think of living with a nother man. That is lieing to your self . I hope you go through all you say you want to but remember once you change there is no going back. You well also loose a good women that loves you and cares for you and you well not get this with another man.

    I’m 62 and I dress 75% of my life. yes I feel the woman in me also. My wife knows I dress also but she is not willing to except it like your wife. Anyway my wife takes good care of me like most good Philippino wemon do . I love her very much more so then my Hobby whitch is crossdressing . I dress almost every day except the weekends that I give to my wife. During the week I even ware my bra to work under my work clothes. Then when I get home I dress up because my wife is at work. I dont use makeup or ware a wig because I’m not trying to inpress anyone. So I’m a man when my wife need me most . An I dress up when I feel I need to relax. I know how I feel and I would not have married my wife if I knew I was going to Hurt her..

    You should not have married if you had these feelings . Right now you get to dress when ever you want and your wife is there for you that is what is important . I wish you lots of luck with your decision . Enjoy dressing .

  31. muskamcute30 30 March, 2012 at 03:11 Reply

    i am too intrested in slose crossdressing i like to remain alwain ladies costumes but due to family reputation iam not able to do so i am such acrazy that i try it put on my bra under my gents costumes and put on slieght make up those who are on this line they understand me some time in jokes i admitted to my friends that i am transgender but not a gay

  32. Moddle 8 March, 2012 at 13:27 Reply

    It seems that crossdressing is a truly, delightful pastime for so many of us.
    I live in New Zealand as a heterosexual ( I think )who spends most of his time in soft flowing woman’s clothing.
    An engineer working at home, either large black satin panties or a skirt are my usual garments in the shop. I even feel more at ease with heels built up on my work sandals.
    My question is why?
    Almost all my wardrobe is women’s, with the androgynous clothing for outside.
    I just like me.
    Thank you all for sharing, perhaps we are before our time.

    Cheers

    • James davis 27 May, 2013 at 00:46 Reply

      I love dress up like young girl whan I was young I want a man to fuck me and pop my cerry wham I derss up I steel do want it to happed more now I was baits a male and a girl to so I wanted to have a baby so if any one want to pop my cerry and be my first time and cum in me I would be glad to give it up long its big and long thank hot girl a cross dress

    • samantha 11 March, 2012 at 05:24 Reply

      I’ve been crossdressing ever since I saw a womans pink panties shaowing at the back when bent down. Something uncontrollable happended to me inside and I just wanted run home and wear a panty and feel it against my skin. Crossdressing took hold of me since then when I must have been 8 or 10 and have been doing so for the past 60 years. Just couldn’t stop as the intensity incresed over the years. Still have to do it behind closed doors. Wife’s initial support is no longer there. Told me that I am now old and shouldn’t be doing it, but my body and mind commands otherwise. I feel ecstati when I have an item of woman’s clothing on me. Wear panties daily as I gave up wearing mens underpants years ago. Love wearing bras daily, but circumstances treat me otherwise. I feel so natural when I am dolled up as a woman. It’s whom I am. Can someone please share this experience with me?
      LOL. By the way samantha is my alter ego.

      • Moddle 11 March, 2012 at 15:19 Reply

        Lovely, Samantha
        I too feel best, as i am now, dressed as a woman.

        My wife ridicules my love of feminine clothing, but she lives 300 miles away so there!
        She does hear the earrings banging against the phone on one of our frequent conversations, always asks about this with no reply.

        Yes, I too feel ecstatic with flowing satin against my skin, even though this is most of the time now.
        The thing is, I don’t feel any less of a man, my life sports and work are all ‘manly’.
        Does playing the piano, cooking, looking after my little house in the trees, enjoying birdsong, wearing makeup and high heels make me, you, us, all ‘queer’?
        I think we are people who enjoy ALL the stuff of living.
        Fully rounded individuals.

        This thought is there, though.
        If society fully accepted us for what we are, would we just have to go and do something else ‘on the edge’ ?

        We may never know.

        Cheers, luvs

  33. John Palser 9 February, 2012 at 00:11 Reply

    I’m glad I found cross dresser heaven.It’s very interesting and informative.I’m 63 years young and just had the guts to cross dress last year.I always thought I might enjoy wearing women’s clothes,but let my fear of
    “what will they say or what will they think of me if I do this”.Any way,it’s great to be over my fears.
    I don’t feel like I want to be female or I was born as the wrong sex.I just feel like a man who wants to cross dress because it feels nice.My first experience happened on Halloween.I felt safe because we were going to a costume party. We wound up going to two parties that weekend.I’ve gone out a few times since then,but only as far as a car ride.My wife is totally supportive.She helps with makeup,she sells Avon so there is plenty to choose from.
    Thanks,I’ll be in touch for advice or to be helpful
    From John.P.

  34. tammy 31 January, 2012 at 04:21 Reply

    Hi Vanessa thank you for your lovely site. i am trans i am married
    (37yrs) my wife dose not know & would like if she did. My problem is more & more i want to wear femail clothes i am much happy when i am wearing femail clothes i hate beening a man & wearing mens things. I Also hate my male bits & wishes i had womans bits. Thank you for lisnen. love & hugs Tammy oxox Ps i forgot to ask how you are hunnie.

  35. Ronnie 12 January, 2012 at 00:59 Reply

    Hello, my name is Ronnie and I live in Ohio in a very “hick” town, of course most of Ohio is that way, but I now find my self in low income houseing because of having open heart surgery, and now having insurance, so had to sell my home and I am waiting on social security to make there choice if or not to let me have my social security or not. Until then, I will remain here, yuck!!! Anyway, I am now 51 and have done drag shows off and on for years, untill about the last 4 or 5 years. I love to dress as a female, and am very pretty. I don’t know that I could or not take hormones since my surgery, but that is ok. I still love to dress, and be pretty. I feel that I have always wanted to be female, and that I don’t fit into the so called mans world. I am gay, but would love to find a man to be my man, and me his lady. Fantasy, yeah, I know.. but hey a girl can hope. My close friend lives in Michigan and she and I used to alwyays go out dressed. She is always trying to encourage me to be who I really am,. I have just stopped doing it all together, and feels like I have lost a great big part of me,. I miss who I used to be alot!!! Give me some advice,, thanks!

    Roxanne*****

  36. rich 5 January, 2012 at 12:23 Reply

    hi I’m rich know as aka rikkimariewill I’ve been dressing on and off for many year and I sometimes think that I’m more feminine than what I think or even try to be however I’ve find myself more seeing a woman that knows everything about me and she doesn’t accept me for being who I am I feel like I’m out of place when I’m around her so now I feel that I have to leave her and do what I need to do in order to become a woman however I have some friends that feels and act the same way as I do.

  37. Heather 29 December, 2011 at 12:48 Reply

    I have been a closet crossdresser for many years now and have had my struggles through it. I am a man without a trace of my woman side to everyone I know. They would be very much shocked if they knew the real me. As the years have gone by it has been much harder to fight my urges to keep my womanly feelings inside, in fact, I have met a man who wants me to embrace it and become his wife…it’s something I’ve always thought about and excites me to no end. Being a housewife is something I’ve always dreamt of being and I find myself in a predicatment. Lose the people who care about me, maybe not totally, but have them look at me in a such a way that they could never understand what I am going through. Or choose not to join this man, whom I have fallen in love with as a woman, and live with this emptiness. I don’t know if what I’m feeling is just a fantasy that will go away if I commit to my man, or if it is something deeper. I feel it is deeper but I’m not sure and going through with it is a big sacrifice. I’m not sure what to do.

  38. Maia 6 December, 2011 at 21:39 Reply

    Im not sure what to do anymore. I have known since I was young that I identify more as a female than a male. I have suppressed it for over 20 years due to the fact that I dont think others would understand. I dont want to be looked at differently than anyone else and im sure if anyone at my job found out I wanted to be a woman there would be a loss of confidence in my abilities. My wife of ten years doesnt even know because I am too ashamed to tell her. I dont want to disappoint those closest to me but I feel like I am supressing who I am truly supposed to be. It feels like I carry a weight around with me everywhere I go. I dont really even know why Im writing this, to be honest. I just feel like I cant keep it inside anymore. I just want to be me. I want to be happy.

  39. rickey 12 November, 2011 at 07:32 Reply

    emt I am a man and I have been dress up ever I was a little boy I stop for a bit but I aways come back to dress up . I like dress-up I cant wait to I get home from work to be a woman .I mean I go all out my toes are painted all the time and i wear pantie to all the time I wear a wig and I put on make-up and i put on a bra-I like to wear hip hugs pants and any thing that is pink for a shirt . I have woman shoes . watch and earing I do every thing to look like a woman when I do this it seam to me i feel more happy that way . I even have sex like a woman I like to be teated like a woman in bed I dont know what to do . I need some help with all this . does this mean that I want to be a woman . I need some make commet thak-you

  40. Sophie 11 November, 2011 at 22:09 Reply

    Dear Vanessa,
    I am still young I am only 20, but yet I act as a girl more then a guy. People look at me like I am gay. I am not. I just don’t understand people at times. I act feminine and people start calling me queer and things like that. I grew up knowing in my heart and soul that I am not meant to be a guy, but a women instead. How are you suppose to tell people without then ridiculing you. I have grown up in the country where only a man and a women are accepted and nothing else. It is hard having to hide it. Please help me I need your advice. ~Sophie~

  41. Randi Waters 10 October, 2011 at 11:47 Reply

    Vanessa,

    First I would like to say you are wonderful at what you do for the community here in Seattle, I have been involoved for quit a while now and admire you very much.

    I have recently stopped transitioning after 4 years on hormones at the wonderfull guidence of Dr. Linda Gromko. The reason I did so, was the fact, that I was about to loose my wife of 25 years. She was not willing to be in a Lesbian realationship with me if I transitioned,I was not planning on SRS surgery, and was very happy with myself as the person I had become.

    In July I stopped hormones and cut my shoulder length hair, stopped getting waxed and dressing everyday ouside of our home and became the man she married once again, with some suttle changes like breasts!

    Since then I have tried every day to be happy with my decission, but am finally realizing that it is becoming more clear everyday that, I am truly unhappy with who I am, and can only pretend that everything is ok, when it is not.

    I have know since I was 6 years old that I was meant to be a girl, I don’t know why it has taken me so long to have the courage to make the change once and for all.

    Any help and advice and support would be appreciated.

    HUGS,
    Randi

    • Vanessa L 11 October, 2011 at 17:20 Reply

      Randi,

      Thanks for your kind words dear, they’re much appreciated. What a wonderful blessing that Dr. Gromko would treat the whole of you, not just put you on a path to transition. You’re blessed to have such a wonderful and affirming doctor!

      Phew – the only advice I can share is from my personal experience. I struggled mightily to keep my relationship, but realized that if I wasn’t true to myself I couldn’t hope to be true to anyone else. Divorce was the most painful part of transition, but I’ve never been happier than the last year going full time. I’d recommend finding a good counselor and doing some deep soul searching. The choice between losing yourself or losing someone you love with all your heart is one I’d wish on noone.

      Blessings and good luck dear!

  42. Rusty or Lucy 3 October, 2011 at 02:12 Reply

    As you say, on Monday morning you are male.  Why the need to choose irrevocably between 2 alternatives?  If you are an androgyne, (mixture of male and female), then one day you can be male and the next, well, whatever the mood brings, feminine or masculine.  So you can say “I feel girly today, I’ll wear panties and stockings – better not wear a bra to work”, on another you are the man about the house. At the weekend your wife can ask you “are you feeling feminine today? Oh good, let’s go shopping for us both”  She can have the best of both worlds, manly husband and girlfriend, as can you, satisfied that your desires change as the week goes by, and you can enjoy them appropriately.
    Does this make sense.  It’s how I’ve decided to reconcile my two halves, and seems to work for me – although my self control has to be execised when children come round etc – There is still some conflict,but then, there always will be whatever choice you make. 
    You are a lucky man to have such a lovely wife.  Ask her about her views o whether you have to be “one or the other”, or could she live with “both” of you.

  43. Jennifer~ 21 March, 2011 at 09:27 Reply

    “Yet, she loves me for the man I am, and I know that going further down the path to womanhood would mean that I lose the most precious thing in the world to me – the relationship I have with my wife.”

    This is the part that rings true for me. I want to be me and that won’t change even if my clothes/body do. I’m still me..I still like the same things I always did and the emotional sincerity that you fell in love with isn’t connected to my “jeans and boots”.

    My wife is supportive but I feel that each supportive gesture is one more bit of distance between us as a couple. She wants a man with my exact qualities but doesn’t want “me”. Ouch.

    Thanks for the great reading! :)
    J.~

  44. Jennifer~ 21 March, 2011 at 16:27 Reply

    “Yet, she loves me for the man I am, and I know that going further down the path to womanhood would mean that I lose the most precious thing in the world to me – the relationship I have with my wife.”

    This is the part that rings true for me. I want to be me and that won’t change even if my clothes/body do. I’m still me..I still like the same things I always did and the emotional sincerity that you fell in love with isn’t connected to my “jeans and boots”.

    My wife is supportive but I feel that each supportive gesture is one more bit of distance between us as a couple. She wants a man with my exact qualities but doesn’t want “me”. Ouch.

    Thanks for the great reading! :)
    J.~

  45. Julie 12 March, 2011 at 07:21 Reply

    I have always hid my feelings from everyone I have coe out t my wife a few years ago and she is very supportive tho things are very hard at tmes with the i was born one way and that is how i shoud be and my mind is always thinking what does she really think that creates problems Now with that said i was born oe way and that is who i am I Am transgender and i am not going to pu a labal on me or anybody else just for what ody parts they may have I feel that poeple should be all they can be and that is all in who they are There is no right or wrong in a person that can be what they feel I have so much respect for anyone that can be who they are There are alot worse things in the world that goes on than wondering why this person or that person is this gender or that gender Our brain and our heart make us who we are not our body parts

  46. Julie 12 March, 2011 at 14:21 Reply

    I have always hid my feelings from everyone I have coe out t my wife a few years ago and she is very supportive tho things are very hard at tmes with the i was born one way and that is how i shoud be and my mind is always thinking what does she really think that creates problems Now with that said i was born oe way and that is who i am I Am transgender and i am not going to pu a labal on me or anybody else just for what ody parts they may have I feel that poeple should be all they can be and that is all in who they are There is no right or wrong in a person that can be what they feel I have so much respect for anyone that can be who they are There are alot worse things in the world that goes on than wondering why this person or that person is this gender or that gender Our brain and our heart make us who we are not our body parts

  47. caroline 25 February, 2011 at 05:24 Reply

    I to have always felt I should be a girl/woman. I started feeling this way at 12 years old, I am now 50 and have tried to repress these feelings for 27 years of marriage. I love to dress to feel more like a woman but that only leaves me wanting more than that. I love wearing my bra and panties under my clothes. I have been wearing a padded bra to get more a feeling of having actual breasts. This has been a passion of mine for over 35 years. I’m glad I’m not alone.

  48. caroline 25 February, 2011 at 12:24 Reply

    I to have always felt I should be a girl/woman. I started feeling this way at 12 years old, I am now 50 and have tried to repress these feelings for 27 years of marriage. I love to dress to feel more like a woman but that only leaves me wanting more than that. I love wearing my bra and panties under my clothes. I have been wearing a padded bra to get more a feeling of having actual breasts. This has been a passion of mine for over 35 years. I’m glad I’m not alone.

  49. Pbulow1 20 December, 2010 at 13:18 Reply

    I would like to tell my story on crossdressing that I’ve been hiding for 43 years until I found people that I can relate to

  50. Pbulow1 20 December, 2010 at 20:18 Reply

    I would like to tell my story on crossdressing that I’ve been hiding for 43 years until I found people that I can relate to

  51. glenhelen 16 December, 2010 at 11:59 Reply

    You are not alone. Those who have discovered that they experience gender dysphoria at an advanced stage of life find themselves in a situation very similar to yours. If your discover your true identity late in life, there is so much of your life that you have lived without full awareness of the person within, and you have lived day to day consistently as a male. To transition completely would require a you not only to leave behind your relationship with your wife, but with your children and family of origin as well. You would also leave behind a care that is either complete or near completion. Much of our identity is made up of the world that we have inhabited as well as the person within. To leave that world behind and transition to a new world requires the destruction of a part of ones identity as well as the affirmation of what may even be the most important part of ones identiy.

    So live on, day by day, with courage, and with confidence that there are others living alongside of you facing the same challenges.

    Best wishes.

  52. glenhelen 16 December, 2010 at 18:59 Reply

    You are not alone. Those who have discovered that they experience gender dysphoria at an advanced stage of life find themselves in a situation very similar to yours. If your discover your true identity late in life, there is so much of your life that you have lived without full awareness of the person within, and you have lived day to day consistently as a male. To transition completely would require a you not only to leave behind your relationship with your wife, but with your children and family of origin as well. You would also leave behind a care that is either complete or near completion. Much of our identity is made up of the world that we have inhabited as well as the person within. To leave that world behind and transition to a new world requires the destruction of a part of ones identity as well as the affirmation of what may even be the most important part of ones identiy.

    So live on, day by day, with courage, and with confidence that there are others living alongside of you facing the same challenges.

    Best wishes.

  53. BobbiFaye 16 October, 2010 at 08:06 Reply

    I know what everyone is talking about because iam also a male that should have been born a female iam married and have been for over 35 years and my wife has known about this from day one and she has helped me alot she curls my hair and makes sure that i look just right before we go out but now i want to live the rest of my life as a woman but we have a son and he or noone else in the family knows about this and i don't know what to do

    Bobbi

  54. Alicia S 3 September, 2010 at 14:01 Reply

    Since then, the feelings of womanhood have boldly gotten stronger. i went thru the confused phase of…"am i really transexual?"….or am I just nuts. Well, to be honest, I don't really like even the label transexual. I am just ME. And ME wants and feels like I should be female….both in mind and body. My mind has been there hiding at times since I was born, I just want my body to match and I don't know when I can make that happen.

      • lori 29 October, 2010 at 20:20 Reply

        i didn't realize there was as many people who felt like me i thought i was an odd ball. i have always felt like i was female pretty much since i was 3 or 4 years old, on halloween i always dressed up as a girl. i am now 48 yrs old. right now i am sitting in a nightgown with a housecoat wearing panties and a bra with falsies i went to a thrift store today and bought some new used clothes, all womens, and my wife was with me. i have been married with 3 kids since 1999. my wife really doesn't mind that i wear what i do in fact she helps me pick out outfits at first i was heasatent to wear womens clothing in public but now i really don't care. i don't wear anything too frilly mostly a type of unisex type clothing although i have gotten comments on my shorts because i wear short shorts which apparently is not a guy thing. but it feels good. i wear panties at work, i am an electrician i have taken the cogiati test several times and always come up that i am probably transgendered i wear my hair long and in a pony tail. 99% of my clothes are womens clothes. i go by the name lori. like the country song says man i feel like a woman. e mail me at schreck55@windstream.net thanks lori

        • avalana 12 November, 2010 at 16:00 Reply

          hello lori i too have been dressing in girl clothes since i was young.always panties,often a bra. it's starting to get cold here,which means pantyhose and camisoles.no more hot pants or mini skirts. out comes the long velvet skirts and cute sweaters.but as some would say, it doesnt really matter what you wear over your bra and panty set

  55. Alicia S 3 September, 2010 at 13:59 Reply

    This is a tough one for me. I've known that there was something unique about myself for much of my life. I didn't know really what that was until a few years ago though. Before I had the "awakening" as I like to refer to it, I didn't much think about being a woman very often. Sure, I dreamed about what it would be like to be a woman, what it would feel like as a woman sexually and all that it entails. Before the 'awakening" I did have some personality traits I simply couldnt put a finger on as well as wants and actions that weren't male, yet, at the time, I didn't know how to cope or even understand them.

    • Jessiebell00 23 March, 2011 at 11:46 Reply

      I have had the same feelings as you for as long as I cab remember. There was always something there that I could not quite Put a finger on but yet always fantasized about being a woman and tried to push away most of it and not admit the truth to myself. Yet always growing up people would wonder about me and ask if I was a woman or gay those that didn’t know me at least. I have always been told that I have alot of female Manerisms. So I guess growing up I tried to hide that part of me and push it away though I never could. My feminine side was always like second nature to me and would come out wether I wanted it to or not. So yes now I am married and finally admitting tomyself after 35yrs of life that I am a woman or at least should have been. Thank you. Jessiebell

  56. Toni 28 July, 2010 at 23:32 Reply

    I have been transgender curious since I was a young boy, skimming through the lingere section of the Sears catalog. When I was 13 I accquired some panties and a bathing suit. When I wore them I felt "alive!" Unfortunately, my stash was discovered by my mother and swept under a rug. Now, at 47, I am finally confident enough to share my desires with my wife of 12 years. I am so thankful that she is hesitantly accepting of my newly revealed lifestyle. Her only request is that I "dole out" only as much as she can handle at one time. The posts and articles I have read on this site have been very helpful and encouraging. I am looking forward to taking this journey…with my wife at my side.

  57. Rita 28 July, 2010 at 21:50 Reply

    I,ve been cross dressing since 4 years of age when my 3 sister dressed me as the 4th. After 5 I would put on their clothes, I got the hand me downs, and girls shirts button from the other side. I would put on my oldest sister's bra,,when about 9 0r ten years old/ By 12 I was putting on my mother old 1950's style garter belt and individual skin tone stockings. I still hadn't started masturbating. With in the year I was involved with group masturbation with 3 other boys. It is after that I started pleasuring myself while dressed as a young women alone in my parents home after school. I continue X- dressing for the next 4 years. I started dating and continued to put on my mother's under garment and stuff her bra.After getting seriously involved with my first woman I had a sexual in counter with WE moved in together after high school. We married at 20 I 'm 51 now. I have X- dressed privately all my life in her garters and corsets. Deep down I feel she knows,but I can't bring it up for fear she leave me and it would plain freak her out. We have 4 teenage children/ I don't know the questions and I certainly don't have the answers. Suggestions……….

    • Alicia S 3 September, 2010 at 14:00 Reply

      Once I actually started realizing and opening up to the idea that I AM transexual, a whole new world has blossomed before me. I long for the times I can dress the way I feel I should have been born as. I love how I appear in heals, a dress/skirt, etc….but most of all…as some have stated….it just feels right. It feels natural as if this is the way it always should have been.
      I want to transition, yet, I have a loving wife and son. She doesnt know and I very much believe she would not be supportive at all. In fact, when I dressed up as a woman for halloween, she about had a heart attack. However, I had never felt better. I was proud to have a dress and heals on, to have lipstick and mascara, to present in front of people as a woman. They all knew who i was though, so to them, it was just "guy in dress/wig/makeup for halloween costume".

  58. Michelle 27 July, 2010 at 01:26 Reply

    I've been a crossdresser since I was 10. I am now considering the road to transition. I've been through the whole "it's just a phase" thing from my family. I've also dealt with the "It's the Devil, you must fight it" routine from pastors and priests. I've also wondered how people around me will feel/act if and when I decide to follow the path to appear on the outside how I feel on the inside.

    But I've been blessed with a woman who is bisexual. She not only accepts me, but supports me fully, insisting that no matter what I look like on the outside, she loves me for who I am. I'm the person who makes sure everyone has a good time and feels good about themselves. I'm the person everyone trusts with their problems. These are things that won't change, regardless of my appearance.

    But what I've come to terms with is that sex and gender are NOT the same thing. Sex is the physical form you were given at birth. Gender is what you identify yourself as, no matter if it's in public, or the privacy of your bathroom mirror.

    Now, I could argue the religious factor for years. Am I saying that God (by whatever name you, the reader, call that supreme being) made a mistake? Hardly. I'm saying that I've been blessed and cursed at the same time as a trial of faith in something other than myself.

    I've been blessed to be able to see the feminine side of things, as well as the masculine. I've been blessed with people who either understand or don't care either way. I've been blessed with a supportive and caring fiancee, friends, and family (despite any conflicts between the groups).

    However, I've been cursed with a body I do not feel is mine. I realize, however, that this is not only a balance of my blessing, but a trial of my resolve and courage. It's also something that is changeable… something I plan, eventually, to change. Is it for everyone? Doubtful. But it's the right choice for me, and I'm the one who will have to live with that.

    • Susan 23 August, 2010 at 15:44 Reply

      Michelle;
      I can understand where you have been; as I am going through some of that myself. I have been closet CD'ing on and off for over 20yrs. I am just now at the point where I'm seeing a friend (who I have known for several years) who will help me bring my fem side out…BTW my Fem name is Susan.
      Any waythank-you for reading this;
      Take care
      Susan

  59. jamie 15 July, 2010 at 20:36 Reply

    I am 14 ive felt the same for nearly 6 years now I haven’t told anyone I truly feel like a woman And I want to walk that road but my mother and father wouldn’t be able to accept me and I know its just school but I’m a little popular and what would they think I am willing to leave everyone behind but should I maybe that will hurt me more I feel so pent up and can’t talk to anyone I would love for someone who understands my situation and maybe despite how confident I am my parents are its just puberty I couldn’t stand telling my parents and then having to put them through that And me actually Being wrong.

  60. Karen 8 June, 2010 at 13:49 Reply

    I have been cross dressing for as long as I can remember.Most of the time insecret. My femininity feelings have grown as I have got older.I was married and my wife knew and was happy with cross dressing,but she did not know how I really felt inside. We spit about 2 years ago ( not for that reason ) and my femininity really took me over. I started on a breast enharncement program and had other beauty procedures. My body now matches my mind and I feel the best I've felt in my life. I still live a double life,my job I have to do as a man but at the moment I can carry on. My big mistake is that my mum,dad and 2 sisters do not know.They all live a long way from me but in July it's my parents 50th wedding and a family gathering has been organised. I am scared that I will not be able to hide myself from them and if I tell them it would ruin the party. I know that I should of told them the way I am before I started my change but now I've left it to late. Karen

  61. Karen 9 April, 2010 at 08:08 Reply

    I have found that it is no good hiding from the truth,what ever the truth is.I have hidden myself from the world but mainly from me.I know now that I am Karen and not who my body portrays. If people do not understand it’s their problem not mine. It all came to a point for me when a lady who I’ve known for a long time told me that she was pregnant. At first I was very happy for her but as she started to show and her body changed I realised that I was very envious of her. That was when I knew that I am really Karen

  62. Joyously 27 16 March, 2010 at 08:41 Reply

    Hello Ladies, The 27 is the year I was born it’s not my age. I really started
    10 yrs ago,although I did try on my sister’s coral brocaded maid of honor
    gown when I was 16, entered the Navy at 17 and upon an honorable discharge went to college in NYC. Thats when I found out I was Gay. After
    many encounters I found love for 33 yrs, He passed away after many yrs in
    a nursing home. When he was no longer home I started CDing and to this day I’m closeted basically into panties, bras, stockings, robes, mules and lipstick. I read all I can on transgender articles and in awe of people that
    have a sex change, the courage it takes to endure the hurtful journey they
    encounter. Hugs Joy.
    PS-This is the best Group. THANK YOU

    • Robert 26 April, 2010 at 06:41 Reply

      You are a navy veteran like I am. You need to get a hold of TAVA.com Itis an exmilitary group that helps those who are
      lesbians, gay, bisexual or transgendered. They offer a wide range of topics that aid you in your lifestyle, irregardless of it. There are more transgendered american veterans then the military really wants to disclose. The don’t ask/don’t tell policy was a step in the right direction but now needs to be expanded upon. A person should be able to be open as to their sexuality or gender preferences.

  63. Emily 8 March, 2010 at 07:33 Reply

    hiya Robert, totally agree with what you’re saying and good technique for coming out too.
    When I came out to my parents, I was straight up about the subject, no nonsense like it or loathe it.
    Although my parents don’t like it much, they don’t mind me dressing in the house.

    Kind Regards

    Emily

    • Robert 8 March, 2010 at 08:19 Reply

      Emily,
      Being straight up about it really isn’t accomplishing what you seek to accomplish by staying inside your home. You need to get OUTSIDE the prison you are encapsulating yourself in. Even if you look like a guy in a dress or skirt. The more you go outside the freer you will be.
      Your stress levels will initially rise, but subside as you find out that most people don’t care what you wear as opposed to how you act. If you carry that chip on your shoulder of being different while dressed it will be reflected by how you act in public. Try wearing a nice A-line skirt to the store (like Kmart), a polo shirt, socks and shoes. You will find that people won’t bother you as a rule. Or just go for a walk to ther park in the same outfit. Try NOT TO over express your femininity, people don’t like that. In other words act as if your in jeans at the auto parts store. Mothers, sisters and girlfriends don’t overly express their feminie side by gestures, walk or talk, they act the same in jeans as they do in a dress or skirt. Do you understand what I’m saying. Later as you get more comfortable being out in skirts you can change over to dresses. Just make sure you wear the appropriate undergarments such
      as slips. panties and etc. The manner in which you display yourself is what will or will not cause commentary on your attire. I wear my skirts everywhere, grocery or clothing shopping, to the parks or to the library. My personally stays the same whereever I go, the only changes are in what I am wearing that particular day.

  64. Robert 8 March, 2010 at 03:49 Reply

    Eve,
    Hiding only causes stress. Stress leads to depression. depression leads to a destructive life style (alcohol & drugs). You and your sister need to talk to your parents. Your mother first. You need to let this out. Try this while Dad is out, have your sister help you dress completely from the skin out. Go into the room where your mother is
    with your sister. Have your sister ask your mother if the dress looks okay or should it be hemmed-up a little or let the hem out. Right away moms gonna ask why you are wearing it. Tell her to help your sister. Chances are your mother will go back to your sister telling her
    whatever she needed to know about the dress. After this conversation
    have your sister say something like “keep the dress on for now so I can
    fix it or for some other reason” Wear the dress the rest of the day.
    Casually bring it up how comfortable the drerss is and you like the way it feels. This will bring your mother into the conversation. Then let it out that you wouldn’t mind having a couple of the dresses yourself for around the house. Then ask your mother if she would get you one or two dresses just for around the house. This works, a friend of mine did
    it, he now has a closet full of them. Also at hisclo.com shows boys wore dresses until 1947 , also Robert Moores Pictures are available on the web. You could discreetly show them to your mother. They are NOT PORNOGRAPHIC, just everyday photos. As far as your father he will do as mom tells him, trust me.

  65. Robert 17 February, 2010 at 04:23 Reply

    Donna,
    I have been xding since I was 11 yrs of age. I didn’t have to hide it because my mother believed boys should wear dresses. She xded me and my brothers. I took to the dresses like a duck to water, my brothers did not. I loved the feeling. I loved being the special girl in the house. I had party dresses with attached petticoats and plain dresses. I had panties of cotton and silk and slips for the plain dresses.
    Take you girls clothes out of the boxes. Put something on you really like, that you feel comfortable in. Then go to crossdressermeetup.com. These are groups that are all over the country. They have meetings and get togethers. Their are women who attend as well who like crossdressers. You need to do this for your own safety. After reading your comments I felt you are in danger of slipping into a dark abyss, and its hard to climb out. Enjoy your full self. By being or feeling the same things as a man and woman you are actually closer to God. If you have not been christened or baptised, DO IT. God has given you a gift, you must use it wisely. God created man and woman, then he made us. WE are the ones that face hard times face forward as a man, and cry when we see the inhumanities around us. I believe God made us as close to the Angels as possible. Our Feelings are stronger then ordinary men. We are more compassionate then ordinary women. We are almost the perfect being, to be able to enjoy life from both sides of the human spectrum.

    • Eve 7 March, 2010 at 20:10 Reply

      Robert, you are soooooooooooo lucky to have all your clothing I only have what my sis (secretly) lets me wear which is only one dress that fits my slim size. Me and my sis know if our parents find out were dead. Unfortunatly, we can only when they are gone but when they are she paints my nails puts extentions in my hair and does my makeup.

  66. Donna 16 February, 2010 at 22:49 Reply

    I felt relief reading a lot of your comments. I am an older male now and have been CD’ing since I was young. I always felt guilt and shame about it praying to the god I believed in at the time to help me find a woman so I could settle down, get married and have kids. (I also thought by getting married I’d be able to stop the CD’ing.) I’d meet a woman and toss out all my girlie clothes thinking I wouldn’t need them anymore. But marriage never came and I stopped believing in any god. I just feel that is there is a god, and he/she makes us with sexual organs, why not match us up with someone we’d be compatible with.
    At the age of 50, I gave up the idea of getting married and just cross dressed whenever I felt stress and wanted sex. I used to want a sex change but no more. I used to think I was really sick but no more. I feel no more guilt and shame.
    I currently live by myself, watch a lot of sports and movies, and have 5 boxes of female clothes in my closet. I especially like wearing babydolls and of course a blond wig. I can no longer walk in high heels. I love the cover of PINK’s “Funhouse” CD and have tried to duplicate that outfit. I feel like I cross dress primarily for sexual satisfaction and to relax, as after it’s over, I go right back to being a male again. I find it odd that as a male, I like my clothes to be loose, whereas when I dress as a female, I prefer things a tad tight.
    Finally, I don’t know why I was created since I feel like a freak of nature. No wife, no kids, but a closet full of female clothes. Where is there a purpose???

  67. Robert 25 January, 2010 at 07:21 Reply

    I totally agree with the first commenter here. When I’m dressed It feels like the whole world is different. I feel more relaxed, more intouch with everything around me. I don’t know why or can really explain it. Its almost like being in a more powerful universe and I am an important part of it whole being. A state of unimaginal bliss.
    Its like being bathed in lavendar and lace and my body tingling from the inner joy that has enveloped me.

  68. Shannon 11 January, 2010 at 03:24 Reply

    WOW I’d like to thank each and everyone of you for your replies. I am a 36 yr old CD. I started stealing my moms panties and hose at 2 yrs old. I ruined so many pairs of hose mom bought me my own and taught me how to put them on. Then dad found out. he tried to beat the sissy girl out of me and yelled at mom for hrs. That broke the bond mom n I had as she taught me to dress and act like the girl I wanted to be.
    Dad wouldn’t let me out of his sight and was making a macho man out of me. we became close after a while and spent hrs in the garage building hot rods. lil did he know mom had bought me a pretty pink babydoll for me to sleep in. I loved it so much but now it felt like i was defying my dad. i’d put it on then soon take it off bc of the guilt.
    for Years I hated myself for loving to dress as a woman. I was 28 when I told my gf I was a cd. I figured that she’d run away throwing rocks. instead she was somewhat supportive. She taught me to love the woman in me. Shannon is my female side. Shane is a male. It’s like I’m two people. I have come to love Shannon. as her I am learning all I can on how to look, act, talk walk and pass as a woman. I still like being shane the man but I am becoming more and more feminne. Unfortunately The woman who freed me from my prison wants a man. I am only a man part of the time. I love her so very much but i can no longer pretend to be something I am not.
    reading all your comments is so inspiring!! I am following my heart and have decided to be both I am developing breasts and study everything i can on feminization. I want to be a pre-op TS. I’d love to hear from others I hope it’s ok to leave my email. gsxrshaneyahoo

    Thanks again ladies
    Shannon

  69. Renee Elaine 30 December, 2009 at 18:46 Reply

    For me it is more like coping with the girl I am within the male body I was born with. I have worked at being more masculine in demenor all my life. I can”t recall how many times I was teased for being too girlish in my tastes and actions from my childhood on through today. Don’t get me wrong, I appear very masculine with men’s extra large hands and hat size. I just find it difficult to cope with the male me.

    The male I have become is always afraid someone will see the feminine side of me. I am very serious about everything and very careful to measure the audience before I react with any emotion. I worry about what others might think about me. I walk very stiff and straight and have been compared to a robot in my movements. I listen or pretend to listen to guy talk but I just don”t have any input because the topics are usually sports which I find nothing to get excited about.

    The real me waits inside for the oppurtunity to relax and live. The real me moves girlishly when I walk with out trying. The real me cries at movies and prefers love stories over shoot um ups. The real me sews, bakes, cooks, embroiders, and decorates with a natural ability and loves doing these things. The real me loves to shop and try on clothes and new looks. Sometimes the real me sneaks out and freaks the male I try to be. You will usally find the real me in the kitchen with the rest of the girls while the men are in the other room watching the ball game.

    For me being a guy is the tough part. Being a girl just feels natural.

  70. Melissa 24 December, 2009 at 15:30 Reply

    When I read your feelings, it reflects very much the same feelings I have. I am married to a woman who is not supportive of Melissa but knows about her. I think many times if I didn’t have her, my kids and a couple of granddaughters, I’d definitely be living 100% as the woman I desire so much in my heart and mind to be. If I were to go down the road of being more feminine, I would for sure lose the most wonderful woman in my life. In some ways I like being the man I am outwardly but then there are times when I wish God would just change me while I’m sleeping and that would be that. I really love it when I get the chance to be Melissa on the outside as well as on the inside. It just feels so right!! Why does it have to be so complicated and such a struggle??

    • Joanna M. Phipps 25 December, 2009 at 04:36 Reply

      Dear Melissa
      Sad, but true, that is the price we pay to be who we are. If you can go through life, living and working as a man and cross dressing when and how you can then great. Unfortunately for me that wasn’t going to work. I knew when I started that the only end point that was tolerable for to be as completely female as I could possibly be.

      This was going to mean that I had to be willing to put at risk all of the relationships that I held dear, yes right up to and including employment. At the time, like you, I had a few kids but they were all adults and I knew that I could try to explain the reasons for my needing to do this. I could do a much better job now but then I only had basic information. As it turned out my daughters split 50-50 one is totally accepting and the other isn’t and may never be. My mother isn’t all that accepting, but my brother (who just happens to be Gay) is.

      Although we are still married, my relationship with my wife is complex to say the least. On some level the marriage still exists but we are more best friends than spouses. I guess in many ways it didn’t help that one that I now identify as Lesbian, this is another fairly common occurance, that one in transition goes from straight male to gay female, but the sexuality of transsexuals is as all over the map as the sexuality of nontranssexuals.

      I hope you can find peace with your choice in life, but one word of warning: if it turns out that you are transsexual (95% of transsexuals are undiagnosed) then the pressure from your female side to let her live her live will eventually get to the point that you will be forced by your body to do something about it. If you want to discuss this more contact me via my website, my name forms the link.

      Best regards
      Joanna

  71. Bobbie 21 December, 2009 at 10:44 Reply

    I also feel a strong desires to exercising my feminine sided. I also wonder, is my desire for womanhood just a fantasy that amuses me in my time away from real life? For the longest time I wonder if someting was wrong with me. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone.
    Bobbie

  72. Joanna Marie Phipps 16 December, 2009 at 07:18 Reply

    Accepting myself for who and what I am required that I accepted myself as a woman. I spent most of my life trying to do what society expected of a male, marry, raise kids, work and what have you. All it got me was depressed, angry, misdiagnosed as all kinds of things, ready to either check out of life or into a mental hospital.

    Since diagnosis and being in transition the only meds I take on a regular basis are my AntiAndrogen, Estrogen and multivitamin; all of the rest I have been able to drop. I am happier, easier to get along with, more loving, more considerate and more willing to talk. I no longer have to do the male thing of solving all of the issues presented, I intuitively understand when my wife is just blowing off steam, I just sit and offer comments but not solutions.

    For me transition is about the physical journey, my mind and soul have been female for as long as I can remember. The journey for me is to accept that, and gradually bring my body into line with what my mind is.

  73. Elizabeth 16 December, 2009 at 06:36 Reply

    There is a lot of good content here for those of us who study this issue.

    Two profound things happened to me in the last year. One of my friends transitioned to a transsexual and the other is my wife developed breast cancer. My wife is a total blessing to me. Our relationship is wonderfully complex and requires work. My friend traveled alone to another country to complete the transition. I did all I could to support her remotely and she was amazing.

    Both of these allowed me to consider who I am and what I want. It is through life experiences that help us define who we am now, but be clear that it does not guarantee what path the future may hold for you. There is no future contract. I never want to say I have “reached” a decision or learned or experienced all of my feminine self. I feel that way about my masculine self. Why give that up, it is rich and full of cool things as well. I have the ability to experience both genders, with all the stuff that goes with it. That is just amazing. My friend who transitioned, she was compelled to give up her masculine side. I get that too and accept it.

    As my feminine self, I’ve spent all those painful hours standing at the door, wanting to turn the door knob, creating scenarios about all the awful things that might happen. When I finally did, nothing happened. And the few minor things that did, well, women experience similar things all the time and it goes with the gender. Get that I still have not fully integrated my feminine self into my masculine life and so what. Not everyone will ever know everything about me. Nothing unusual about that. I still have fear and I still create scenarios. The only difference is I just let that happen and still enjoy myself.

    The questions arises is how to be happy now, live in this moment, and accept the future is not certain. We cannot tell what even the next hour holds for you, why waste so much time worrying about it. My wife getting cancer showed me every moment is precious. It is at this moment I find language and my ability to communicate limiting. It is at this moment that I start to analyze if saying this is real. All of this just serves to pull me out of the moment. That’s what I’d like to get past. I wonder how many other cross dressers find this true?

    My friend just completed her first visit to the gynecologist. That really was fun to discuss and great for her. I’m OK with not experiencing that, but I loved that we shared it like a couple of girls. For now, I know I am not interested in fully transitioning. However I am interested in being a woman. I see the conflict as someone else implying that to be a women, it requires having the physical journey as well. I just don’t have to accept that. God made me this way and I’m good with that. We need to accept ourselves as we are, wherever we are along the continuum of life, live in the moment at full throttle, replace all that fear with joy, and smile more. For sure, being a woman has taught me to smile more.

  74. Samantha 5 December, 2009 at 05:17 Reply

    I have read the comments and have been researching the internet deeply. I am Transgengender. I have been since my earliest memories and have lived a very unique life and have been blessed with a heart incapable of hate.
    As a child I could not understand why I was being forced to be a boy. All the boys treated me like a girl because I acted like a girl and mentally that is how I perceived myself. I put up with the nick names and the abuse. I would steal my sisters clothes and finally withdrew into myself because of my being different.
    I did find my Lord and my God and He has been with me ever since.
    I am what by His Gloriuos Will what He has made me. I am no longer ashamed of what I cannot control but accept that what I am.
    I will not allow those who do not share this blessing attempt to analyze and promote the ultimate cure all so one can fit into a society of 0/1’s.
    I am a contemplative, Iam male and female and preferring the female have to deal with it. From what I have read and researched God knows I am not alone.
    I have nothing to prove to this world nor do I have to be accepted it by running around in my pretty close and faking a gender that don’t fit the frame. Don’t misunderstand, I love the pretty close, I love to wear bra’s and panties and slips. I would love to wear a dress to work or an evening gown once in a while.
    Have I had enough? Look at the research on the web. Women are scared to death because they feel cheated because of monthly cycles, hot flashes and menapause. Well guess what, been there to a great degree and am doing that less the monthly cycle alnong with urinary tract infections. Doctors say this only happens in women: Figure it out.
    Men fell like they are being feminized. An individual male unless he is born with it would probably have to be under HRT to be feminized.
    To the women of the world if you haven’t had the opportunity to sit around a group of testerone crazed males bragging about there exploits and wanna be’s and what they would do if they had the opportunities with you it’s mostly talk and the majority of it comes from married men.
    Back to the web. This life has an answer of acceptance on the individual basis. I don’t believe there is a major rally for civil rights, look at me world and accept me, I’m a doctor and your sick, Come to my web sight I have all the answers, and on and on and on.
    We are who we are. To many times we get caught up in demanding recognitionby those who want nothing to do with something and will do anything in their power to stop it out of fear, hatred and ideologies of those who want to control either for power, to make a profit or to just get their fifteen minutes of fame.
    I could ramble on a long time but one needs to accept oneself for who the Good Lord has made them and destined them long before it became issue and focus on the Divine Will in the silence of your heart, your soul, your mind and spirit unto His. He will lift the great burdens for fear of man who has no fear of God is no fear at all.

    • Leslee 9 June, 2010 at 04:30 Reply

      What a wonderfully written story about yourself Elizabeth. Too often children are the worst offenders of gender hate. They pass on the problems of society and their upbringing and are biased at a very early age. It would have been nice to have found someone like ourselves when growing up so we wouldn't have had to withdraw so much. I made few friends and kept largely to myself. Even tho I was good at sports I didnt really like them very well. Every story is similar yet so different. Leslee

  75. Joanna Phipps 2 December, 2009 at 22:08 Reply

    Dear Michelle
    You have, indeed, reached a watershed moment. Can anyone here tell you if your are Transsexual, a cross dresser or one of the other branches of the Transgender spectrum?
    Probably not, but that is where a good therapist comes in, they can help with this phase and other phases of the journey. What you are saying about your female side being stronger than the male side is certainly what I found as I allowed myself access to those thoughts and feelings. It felt so right that the diagnosis wasnt a surprise to me; however it sure blindsided my wife.

    To all, if you suspect you maybe transsexual, take this wonderful tool called the Internet and start doing some research, it might help settle in your mind where you think you might fit on the spectrum. First and foremost please see a counselor.

    Lots of Love
    Joanna

    • Pamela Molloy 4 December, 2009 at 21:07 Reply

      When I am home and dressed as Pam I feel more and more like I am being the real me. I don’t feel excited by being Pam, I just feel normal and comfortable but frustrated right now because I need to and want to take the steps to live and work and be a woman (Pam) full time.

  76. michelle 2 December, 2009 at 15:50 Reply

    Vanesssa,
    Thanks for the wonderful website. I hear you loud and clear. I am 49 years old and have been dressing for the better part of the last 25 yers. Does it make me feel wonderful to see the woman in me in the mirror?..joy is a better way to say it. Are there emotional struggles between love lost if I “keep going” and “self lost” if I don’t? Absolutely. I’ve reached a crossroads in my journey, and realize that michelle is stronger than michael, perhaps a realization I’ve made for the first time in my life. Unlike your situation, I do not have a suporting wife. But i fully understand when you say it is easier to be a man on the journey to womanhood, and although the steps are small they have a direction. I tried that ambiguous approach for a long time, and know what?….it left me wanting, unfulfilled and not liking either the woman OR the man in me. Sorry to go on such a rant here, but I am considering my own “next steps”, and turning the corner to leave behind many aspects of my “manhood” in favor of embracing the woman in me. Not an easy decision, even for an old gurl like me…but one that will define the person I look at in the mirror, in a way that I can be more comfortable with…..Your blogs, site, and inspritation is empowering and thought provoking. Thanks hun.
    Michael

    • Joyously 27 20 May, 2010 at 18:07 Reply

      Michael 49 years old and you call yourself old nonsense! I was a late beginner at 75..It was a frightful start to buy panties. long nightgown, a robe & waiting in the checkout line
      surprisingly except for me sweating all was well. I could hardly wait to get home and my other self "Joy " was thrilled. Now at 83 I am still in the closet but dress every day..

  77. Joanna M. Phipps 27 October, 2009 at 05:00 Reply

    Just a bit of an update. Since I last posted in this thread I have started living 100% as Joanna. I have transitioned at work and the customers are accepting (even if the staff have the pronoun issue). It is truly a great feeling to finally be who I am. I still have several things I need to do but they are on hold pending a move back to Canada next year.

    My advice to anyone who thinks they maybe transsexual is to seek a good gender therapist, or a good therapist that is willing to learn about gender issues and get the process started. The longer you leave this the worse it is likely to become. For those who find that cross dressing is the outlet I am happy for you, for me it opened the flood gates for the underlying issue.

    peace and love
    Joanna

  78. Natalie 24 October, 2009 at 15:10 Reply

    Well I did decide to try to express my TG side and right now I am losing everything. I am so confused please pray for so. I want to seek God will.

    • wannabefemale 26 October, 2009 at 23:23 Reply

      dear vanessa,

      i feel the same as you, indeed, i do dress as a woman to fufil some sexual urge but to feel as if i was the woman i was supposed to be. as the days go by i become more and more certain thhat i really am supposed to be a woman, and i hold a dream that one day i will pull down my panties and the penis that is there now has been cut off and a vagina put in its rightful place

    • Joanna M. Phipps 27 October, 2009 at 05:05 Reply

      Dear sweet Natalie
      It is truly a shame that those of us on this road have to risk it all for the sake of who we know we are. I don’t know if you have any groups in your area who could help with this trying and troubling time. If you wish to drop me a line my email is on the main page of my website feel free to contact me off list and we can talk things over.

      I understand the pain, needs and desires of one who is on this road since I am on it as well. Any one who wishes to discuss this in more detail is welcome to join my forums the link is on the main menu of my website.

    • Vanessa L 1 November, 2009 at 12:40 Reply

      Natalie, I’m so sorry to hear hon. My prayers are with you. I know it can sound trite, but sometimes we go through the valleys so we know how tall we stand when we’re on the mountain top. I know you’ll get to the other side, hang in there love.

      • dorthy 25 July, 2012 at 02:20 Reply

        dear veneasa u got me looking at men at women at work about curves and u r right about half women have curves on tush but alot r strait and guys r harder to tell they wear more hiding clothes

  79. indianarnold 17 September, 2009 at 02:26 Reply

    hi, speaking for the first time in public. it is such a great adrenalin rush when u dress up and take the first step out. I have tried this so many times. when i was young i used to sleep with my sibling sisters , and would wear bra while not telling anybody(obviously) and in midd;le of the night i would wake up and open up my bra hooks and that fear was a great feeling. Now when mu wife is out, i would come back from office and dress up in just bra and a skirt would sit in the balcony around midnight when it just enough dark that no body notices and light a fag. now there is always a chance of getting caught but this feeling is kicking..

    would have loved to dress up 24×7 but then may be the interest wont have been so much as there wouldnt have been any taboo.

  80. Joanna Marie Phipps 4 July, 2009 at 01:17 Reply

    I truly understand the feelings you are having and the pain you are going through. I struggled with it for a while and then decided that 50 years of being what I wasn’t (if that made sense)was enough and I had to end the dichotomy once and for all.

    When I finally came out to my wife, I faced exactly what you fear, the accusations, demand for divorce and the near loss of everything I held dear. My GF (my former wife) and I quite amicably share the same house but under different ground rules. I have my own room and live 95% as Joanna, the one place I havent fully transitioned yet is at work. My manager knows, and has since about the week of my diagnosis. She has given me permission to transition on my own time.

    One thing I can tell you, well as it applies to me, is that if you are transgender, dressing will only open the floodgate to your transness. It may well become a poor substitute for what you know has to happen; for example I am on RLE (real life experienc) where I live and as much as possible work as a female. However I have yet to begin hormone therapy, this makes me a crossdresser and untill I get going on HRT I wont begin to feel complete. I have to do this for 2 months, which will be up Aug 12. If you wish to talk further, and in private, contact me on facebook I will give you my personal email.

  81. Yvonne 21 June, 2009 at 23:45 Reply

    I have been fully dressed as a woman only twice and both times have been after I was married and both times it felt wonderful.
    Do i wish to be a woman? not really, but I really do enjoy looking like one. the clothes feel natural on me and I enjoy putting on make up. I would one day love to go out as a woman but that may never come. My wife is not supportive at all and has at one time commented about divorce if she found out. I do love my wife very much and will not risk our marriage. However! since my wife is unsupportive, I do what I can, so I underdress while at work only. I take a risk doing any type of dressing while at home. But one day I do hope to go out fully dressed and say to the world, “This is who I am”. At work, I told 3 of my fellow workers about me and I get along fine with them. I don’t want to be a woman at 58, but I sure enjoy looking and dressing as one. It gives me a calming affect and it gives me more confidence too.

    • Vanessa L 30 June, 2009 at 21:45 Reply

      Yvonne, I’m sorry to hear that your wife isn’t supportive It can be hard when those closest to you don’t support your desire to express the feminine. I pray that you find a way to both keep your marriage and express who you are.

      Hugs,
      Vanessa

      • solostnow 12 July, 2009 at 15:05 Reply

        I feel just the opposite. I am a tomboy most the time but I want to be a man. I dont want to be a lesbian but just man. I workout like a man. I am more boyish but people and my family dont know that I want to be a man. They say I should be more women like and that just kills me. I just cannot tell anyone I know how I feel. I smile and make jokes about it but inside its killing me… I hate wearing the dress when I should be growing a beard and wearing a tie

  82. lilian 20 May, 2009 at 15:48 Reply

    from your words i feel i know you as i know myself. we are all constrained in our own worlds but we must strive to be whole. live life to fulfil your dreams and understand the joy each moment brings.
    peace & love,
    lili

  83. Sissysuzyq 16 May, 2009 at 20:18 Reply

    I agree with most everything you have written, as I too have to fear becoming too feminine for my wife’s taste. It’s a hard decision to make, but I think we both know what primevial instinct will win out. We know what we are, and we love ourselves for being us.

    Personally I’ve grown tired of going to work as a true male, because I know I’m not one, nor wish to be. I’ve started feminizing my every day apperance, first by reducing the width of my eyebrows by more than half, and slowly giving them an apealing arch. I’ve always shaved my entire body and will continue, I’ve grown and shaped my fingernails to be more feminine, and apply a soft gloss polish weekly. I’m getting tooo old to hide what I’ve always known mself to be.

    • Vanessa L 18 May, 2009 at 13:07 Reply

      Hon, that’s wonderful and empowering. You shouldn’t necessarily hide who you are to meet other’s approval. I wax my eyebrows, moisturize and have had laser hair removal. These make me more feminine and happy. At the same time I haven’t gone ‘all the way’ (yet?). There is a balance, sometimes going too far can have unintended consequences. You may not want to lose your job, or your wife by pushing it a bit too far. But may feel constrained if you don’t push your femininity further. Only you can make this choice for yourself.

  84. ayman 14 May, 2009 at 03:44 Reply

    hi, im a man and i want to change my body into a woman , i want to make surgery, and habe big nice boobs , nice asse and sweet voice , i need the right place to locate for the job.

  85. Polly 13 March, 2008 at 05:26 Reply

    Well, I’ve been dressing for most of my life, well over 40 years now, starting with a pair of tights I pinched from my cousin ! It’s grown from that to the point where I’ve a bigger wardrobe than my wife.
    I got to work as a male, I go shopping as a male, but there are times when I need to dress as I feel comfortable. Is that ‘being a woman’ or just ‘being comfy’ ?
    I have wigs, make-up, shoes, boots, corsets – in fact I dress better in femme mode than I do for the majority of my time as male. It makes me feel good, thats how I describe it, but I know I’ll never be a female – that’s going a few steps too far for me personally. There are those that want to go for surgery and it’s still a mixed bag, of those who like what they have become, and those who are still unhappy.
    Acceptance is difficult, my wife knows about Polly but does not encourage me. I’d love to spend more time ‘feeling comfy’ but family and other circumstances dictate that as not possible. I have to be content with whatever time I can get to myself these days.
    Had the Internet been around when I was a teen, and I knew then what I know now, I would have tried my best to change role and live/work in the femme clothing I adore. Again, not being a female, but looking like one perhaps?
    We all suffer, in our minds we’re unsure how others see us, do they think we’re perverts but mutter a few words to say ‘I don’t mind how you dress’ just to please us? I’ve tried to give my wife as much information as I can so that she can find out about my ‘condition’ and perhaps understand more about how I feel.I get the feeling she thinks if she does not mention it I’ll forget about it, or not bother her with the subject. Having said that, we have been out where I’ve been dressed fully at T-Girl events, so she’s not afraid of me in that role either.
    We’re all individuals, so there’s no fixed ‘rule’ for how we should handle things. Just do the best we can and have fun when time permits is my way of looking at it.
    Polly in Yorkshire, England

  86. April 12 March, 2008 at 08:41 Reply

    Hi Vanessa,

    I read your postings with great interest. My wife also understands my desire to dress in my girlie clothes, which has made a big difference for me. Never let that go, your wife is your best friend in everything you do. I would love to chat “offline” I’m not keen at this stage to go “public” with my views.

    I may dress as a girlie, but I am a guy, who wants to be a guy, but loves to wear clothes that make me feel so great inside. As my wife says, it brings out the feminine in me

    I would love to chat over email!

  87. Lynn Jones 11 March, 2008 at 15:37 Reply

    Vanessa, you raise some interesting questions. I can only comment on what goes on in my head (or heart), it may well be different for others.

    I don’t feel split. I don’t feel there is a difference between ‘him’ or ‘her’. Indeed, I don’t think there is a him/her, there’s just me… sometimes I dress like a woman, but mostly I dress like a guy. I don’t feel like a woman when dressed up, but I do feel ‘connected’ in some way. I’m struggling to describe the feeling properly, but when I dress up or go meet other TG people, it feels like I’ve come home. Everything seems right somehow. It’s not to say that I don’t get that feeling as a guy – it’s just more obvious (perhaps because I recognise it) in the former instances.

    Further to what Lisa Ann had to say: you need to accept yourself for who you are. Release that perhaps there is no her or him, just you. Once you reach balance – and self-acceptance – maybe others will be ready to accept you too. It won’t happen overnight, but one day you’ll release that it’s not all bad being TG, there’s fun to be had too.

    • Joanna Phipps 12 November, 2009 at 15:06 Reply

      I dont feel a split anymore, I have reached a point in my transition that he is a memory and I know that there is no way I can live as him, even if I had to. I am on Hormones, but have not had surgery, even so I still live and work as a woman. In many ways I admire those who can do the double life but it wasnt for me. Gender may be a spectrum and it is up to us with the help of our gender teams to figure out where on the spectrum we fit.

      Love you all
      Joanna

  88. Alicia D 11 March, 2008 at 06:36 Reply

    Hey there, probably surprisingly enough to be keeping up to date on your journals is that I’m actually a woman (LOL, born as one), but I wanted to say that while I have no experience with what you’re going through, I think you must be very strong, and I hope you stay true to who you are, whoever that may be. ^_^

    Good luck, sweatheart!
    Alicia

    PS: I love your journal, A+

  89. lisa ann 10 March, 2008 at 22:32 Reply

    when i dress i dont feel i am changing to a woman but being the feminine part of me. i have always felt that i am both gender; I work as a male, my wife is not at all supportive, and when i find time i express the feminine part of me. Not female, just femme. when i am out i feel i am a man who likes to wear tight jeans, wig, heals and a little lipstick. Not that i have some how changed my blood from male to female. God has given me a male body, no amount of surgury could change that and i like what i am, i also like to look different. Looking female some times is just a flavor of me that helps me feel good. You asked for advice, now that you have read how i feel about dressing if you want to read it, here is my advice. “We are creatures of feeling, though we breath air and drink water our true being is in the heart. If our hearts are aching due to a lack of change or to much change we must do all we can to stop that aching and until we have exhausted our selves trying to ease our pain we cannot rest. Some times we are balanced between both wanting change and not wanting change. This is the most difficult aching to stop. it will require acceptance of loss to sway the balance which enables the freedom from that bond. Inner acceptance is the place to search for the answer. Love yourself. Really loving yourself will make the path you wish to take clear, anything less than love will keep you clouded and feeling trapped or empty.” Thats it.

    • Denise 19 May, 2008 at 23:32 Reply

      Vanessa-just be YOU and feel good bout yaself! I sooo understand all the struggles you are facing and have faced-ya sooooo lucky that ya have a wife standing next to you! I’ve been divorced 3 times now and is struggling with my own acceptance now and making my journey into womanhood full time! You are Beautiful, smart, articulate, and a fine person! Be yaself hun!

    • brad 20 May, 2010 at 02:36 Reply

      Hey this is brad, I just wanted to let you know that I understand what you are goin through, I am goin through the same thing, but not with my wife, because I am not married, but my family, they are always saying very rood things to me because I am a man on the outside but in my head and my heart I am a girl, I have felt like this my whole life, but every time I try to show my femenin side, everyone is against me but I don’t let that offend me cuz it is who I am and no one should be able to tell me what I can and can’t do, all of my friends have excepted the fact that they can’t change me, so why can’t my family, or in your case, you may lose your wife, but if she leaves, that means she is not loyal to you, cuz if she really loves you she would help you understand yourself and not be against your decisions. Better yet if she exspects you to do that for her and she don’t do it for you, she is not the right girl for you, she is just a girl that wants to control your life, and your life is your life, you should be able to live it how ever you want to.

  90. Vanessa Law 11 March, 2008 at 07:53 Reply

    Thanks so much for your comments Alicia and Lisa Ann!

    Alica, thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. I’m touched by your encouragement, but also by your acceptance.

    Lisa Ann, I think I need some more time to process the full extent of what you’re saying. I think your final answer is good though, love yourself. I’ve found sometimes that it can be a hard thing to do.

    Yes, accceptance of loss – either way I feel as if I’m going to lose something, and I think I’ll look back and pine for what I have lost.

    Thanks again for your advice and feedback
    Hugs,
    Vanessa

  91. Jessiebell00 23 March, 2011 at 04:46 Reply

    I have had the same feelings as you for as long as I cab remember. There was always something there that I could not quite Put a finger on but yet always fantasized about being a woman and tried to push away most of it and not admit the truth to myself. Yet always growing up people would wonder about me and ask if I was a woman or gay those that didn’t know me at least. I have always been told that I have alot of female Manerisms. So I guess growing up I tried to hide that part of me and push it away though I never could. My feminine side was always like second nature to me and would come out wether I wanted it to or not. So yes now I am married and finally admitting tomyself after 35yrs of life that I am a woman or at least should have been. Thank you. Jessiebell

  92. Anonymous 25 July, 2011 at 12:01 Reply

    Wow!  Have you been reading my mail?  I’ve been married to the same woman for 43 years and my wardrobe is at least 90% women’s clothes.  Most of it being definitely women’s, but a lot of it in the unisex rage while coming off the women’s rack.  My wife and I have about the same build and I up-slurp any thing that goes unused in her closet.  When we go shopping, she passes judgement on what I buy as to whether it suitable for general wear or for only girlie girl wear.  (That is can I wear it where people expect to see me as straight male.) 

    She struggles with my transgender presentation.  She realizes that I’m a feminine male and need to express my feminine nature, but worries over the perception of our friends.  She has a much greater need for societal approval than I do. 

    I’ve come to the conclusion that people who can’t accept me as I am are the one’s with the problem.  Who and what I am diminishes no one and the fact that I’m transgendered is no more significant to my value than being left or right handed and I have about as much control of it as well. 

    I’m blessed that I live in liberal Oregon, (USA) and the people on the street, while they may hold opinions that I’m lessor because of my trans nature, outwardly accept that I am and treat me well.  Some, especially those in a retail business, seem find me interesting and seek to make me welcome so I’ll spend my money with them. 

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