Living between the man I am and the girl I want to be

Living between the man I am and the woman I want to be

It feels so right. Exercising my feminine grace, sharing my soul with a friend or stranger, working on being beautiful. Becoming a woman seems like the worthiest outcome of my efforts, and whenever I think about the necessary practice and perfection to get there it lights a smile inside my soul.

Yet for all my strong desires to be a woman, I go to work on Monday without a trace of the girl within me. I do not need to suffer the sacrifice so many transsexuals make when they transition. And I wonder, is my desire for womanhood just a fantasy that amuses me in my time away from real life?

My lovely wife has been wonderfully supportive. She’s shown more support than I dreamt I would receive. Yet, she loves me for the man I am, and I know that going further down the path to womanhood would mean that I lose the most precious thing in the world to me – the relationship I have with my wife.

Somehow, it feels false for me to split my time between being a man and a woman. It feels more whole to be a man on the journey to womanhood. That even though it is slow, each step is deliberate with a well known end goal. To set such a definitive direction would mean so many things, not least of which are many uncomfortable conversations with those I love.

Don’t misunderstand my confusion – I have come to terms with being transgender – I love and accept that part of myself, along with the many other talents and gifts God has blessed me with. Yet I still struggle with how to express it in a fulfilling way. Unless I have a clear path before me, I resist the necessary practice in the feminine ways that would take me closer to being a woman. If being transgender is part time, more of a ‘hobby’ than a lifestyle for me, how can I be fulfilled?

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  1. Profile photo of Clayton     H.        Vereen
    Clayton H. Vereen 2 weeks ago

    I Clayton vereen want to sign up for the crossdresser Heaven . I am a feminine man that wants to be a female.

  2. Profile photo of
    Jennifer Patrick 3 months ago

    Boy did this article really resonate with me. I just turned 50 and have been cross dressing since I was 10. Through all of the years I have been doing this, through all of the obstacles that challenged my perseverance(and sanity) the guilt, shame, purges, and denial; through the small triumphs(going out cross dressed for the first time) and the happiness I felt when I was dressed and the dawning realization that I finally accepted that this is who I am and the embrace of peace that went along with that revelation; it was the conflict between the male & female within and what way I wanted to follow that posed the biggest quandary in my soul. When I had moments of conflict like this, I often thought of the Roman god Janus. He was the god of beginnings & transitions, and thereby of gates, doors, doorways, passages, and endings. He is often depicted as having two faces, one looking at the past, and one to the future. Although I sometimes glance back at my past and Lord knows I can’t forget it, I’d rather be where I am now; standing in the doorway with one foot firmly planted between the frame and other moving forward towards the future; my gaze focused on the person I’ve always wanted to be. The journey continues and the road goes ever on………

  3. sashaolaksana 8 months ago

    most people have a few things in common being a cross dresser single mom, first boy or child or abused as a kid

  4. Shaunalynn 12 months ago

    Hi my name is Shaunalynn, I never was molested as a child, Thank god. I feel for the ones that did. You never deserved that and the people who did this should never be happy and live with their gilt. I had a great childhood, parents. I knew from the age of 4 that I was different. I always wanted to be a girl. I would play dress up with my sister, wore her clothes and played with dolls and girls toys. She always said, she wanted another sister. and I always felt I was. As I grew up I never changed, I still wanted to be a girl. I been married, girlfriends normal things as a man. I have always been feminine. Even the women I been with said the same. Some enjoyed it some did not. I am going for the next step. I have a pyco and I am on my way. I am starting HRT and I am happy about this. I am so tiered of the fight. Its time to be happy. I don’t know about the surgery. But I know I needed to do to be happy and content in mm life. Lots Of Love Shauna

  5. dean upton 1 year ago

    to me it is my life in a nut shell..i know that I should have be female. t was molested when I was very young by both my brother and cousin. this went on for years. then my mother took her turn. I am not married and I can wear female clothes when ever I want. I cant pass for female but love the feel on my body. I shave most of my body. my daughter tells me that I am very feminine acting. I just want to be a woman. like I am suppose to be. am totally gay.

  6. tom weir 2 years ago

    I’m a man that wants to be a woman in all ways plus I’m 55 when I was growing up I was sexually active with a man that was three times my age

  7. Jon B 2 years ago

    wow put on a dress for the first time and a wig it feels great then I started reading this site I found on the net I now want to explore my feminine side I want to look totally like a woman I am still loving being a guy cant wait to go shopping for dresses shoes panty hose makeup and all I will need thanks I love this site Joan

  8. Gina 2 years ago

    I have fought for year about man or girl very few know of my more female side. Most of my life I live as a man and was never totally happy and complete. I the past few years I myself have come to realize a man I am not I have start to take herbs for my breast and my clothing is now 30 per cent female I have never been more happier in my life. I know most people do not want to be close to me but that’s okay I am happy

    • rebeccalynn 1 year ago

      What herbs do you take for breast growth?

  9. Savana 2 years ago

    I have been living as a male. I HATE IT. However, i don’t know if i was made, or born this way. Let me explain. Between the ages of 7 and 10 i was molested by my uncles. Yes i said uncles. One was more then the others,but it happened. One did this until i was thirteen. Next, i was molested by my female babysitter. I know this sounds out of the park, its true. I know it was wrong and perverted of them, but, i enjoyed it. I really did. Between my uncles and babysitter, they broke my cherry in a way. This act,this behavior what ever it was,could have made me feel like a girl.Or was i born to be female, and was not given the chance to be who i am. I would try to grow my hair, and my mother would cut it off. When i got around fourteen, i would not let her cut it anymore. As i grew, time,circumstances,influence forced me to be male.Time also has made me look masculine. My wife tolerates my fem side. I am very subtle when wearing clothes. I do not want to look like a man in a dress. I would rather look like a man. However,I am slowly changing,transforming from the inside out. My body is always hairless. My hair is long and somewhat styled feminine. I use feminine products. I know this wont work, but i do it for my frame of mind, is take a women multi vitamin. I have a very young male face, this is the only thing that works for me. I want to wear makeup,however i have not reached this yet with my wife. I want to completely come out to my wife. I am afraid she would not love me anymore. This is why i did not fight to change during my life. I did not want to lose my family. I need love,closeness. The sex with my wife and I have suffered. I love having sex with her, i just would like if she would take initiative. My daughter and her children live with us,so its very difficult to be intimate with her, and i want to make love to her as a women. Haven’t done that yet. There’s more. Bottom line i want to die as a women not a man.
    I have nobody to talk to about this. I need Help.

    • urmila 2 years ago

      Dear Savana
      reading ur was like me going through my experiences. Like u, I was molested between the age of 6 and 13 by my maternal uncle. and later seduced by an aunt. Even though i didnot like what my uncle did in the beginning, I started liking it and i did enjoy the experience with my aunty. My virginity was lost when my uncle used me.
      These experiences,Perhaps, in my subconcious mind, made me think i am a female. Somehow, i went through my life as a man and got married and have 2 children. After my second child was born, What was in my subconcious started come out and i started dressing up secretelt first and because it was too much of a strain, I did come out to my wife and thankfuuly, after the initial shock and resistence, she has accepted it fully. But bevause of our children and the society, she has made me promise that it will only be between us. and nobody should know about it, and now we are gradually moving towards role reversal and shortly, she will be the sole bread winner and the home maker and taking care of the children. Now with this arrangement I feel free and quite satisfied and have accepted the position. This way I am not loosing my family and the love of the woman i adore.
      I do having sex with her, the difference is that she takes the initiative and it is she on top most of the time.
      I am thanking God for all his blessings and happy now
      See u can find a compromise like I have done and be with ur family. good luck and best wishes Savana

    • Jenna 2 years ago

      I am almost exactly in the same situation as you and would also love to talk to someone about this. Can we talk?

      • bill morris 2 years ago

        i like to wear woman lingerie i like men to take me to bed i like blk men i tell them all put your blk baby in me deep i want a blk baby so bad i pray for it to happen want to be a woman also i do have a nice small set of boobs now i just want blk men to ,love me in the bed this is day and nite why

    • macaylla 1 year ago

      I am in the the same boat as you are i want so bad to be a girl ive considered the worst thank god my wife has been there for me 75 % of the time but i still have this thought of being a girl and it is killing me

    • dean 1 year ago

      I know how you feel i feel the same. I have it different from you as I am divorced and can pretty much do as I wan and I want to be a woman

    • urmila 11 months ago

      First thing for you to comeout fully, you have to move out and live separately. I am sure she does love you as much as you do, and wouldnot like to loose you, instead she will understand your deeper feelings and will definitely try to adopt

    • Tina 10 months ago

      Omg I felt like that for years broke up with my last girlfriend 5 years ago when I came out to her Ben living as a female ever centsafter a year of gended counseling it was con permed what I always knew I am transsexual and I love that about myself would not change who I am for anybody ever again I know who I am and work hard ever day to be the best woman I can be I love myself and my life this all came to me when I fully excepted who I am a transwoman and always have been lov tina

  10. jenniferlee 2 years ago

    I am in my 50-s…I have been secretly crossdressing since the age of 17. While I was staying with my parents, I sometimes put on my sisters’ clothes and makeup and looked at myself in the mirror. I started going out in women’s clothes in the middle of the night when I was 24 and have been doing this…on and off…sometimes up to a dozen times in one year…for the past 30 years. My wife doesn’t know this…our marriage will break up if she does.

    While I am on the street, I look for men to have sex with. Some men just run off…after knowing that I am a man…but others go all the way with me…I usually get down on my knees to suck them off…and occasionally I have anal sex with them.

    My addiction to cross-dressing is a nightmare…literally speaking…because in the middle of the night I just suddenly feel those irresistible urges… I have to put on a wig and my wife’s clothes…and then off I go onto the street for ‘man-hunting’.

    I am glad to have this opportunity to share my insanity with you.

  11. Victoria 3 years ago

    What is so impossible to explain is how it makes you feel to dress up and be a “woman”. It took me 60 years, but I am there. There is no way to explain it…but it helps that the love of my life loves it too. She loves me as “her woman” and she loves me as her man lover too. It all makes us so incredibly close and we both love it.

  12. An interesting discussion is definitely worth comment.
    I do believe that you need to write more
    about this subject, it may not be a taboo subject but usually
    folks don’t talk about these topics. To the next! Many thanks!!

  13. Homepage 3 years ago

    Tremendous things here. I am very satisfied to look your article.
    Thanks so much and I am having a look forward to touch you.
    Will you kindly drop me a e-mail?

  14. Andrew 3 years ago

    I am 31 and I 175 bls and I want to be a woman and how do I go about that

  15. dustin 3 years ago

    i am a gay cross dresser………………. i have no one who loves me, no one who supports me. the only people who want that role are the ones that only want to fuck me………… not going to happen…… if i didnt have my son, i would kill myself………………

    • urmila 3 years ago

      Have hope dustin dear, I am sure u will meet a person who will love u until then be patient and cheerfu

    • Nikki Luuven 3 years ago

      Oh Sweetie please do not do anything drastic-many of us live with the same despair and depression. Find girlfriends you can talk to and spend time with-I live near Columbus Oh and would be more than glad to help. Hugs Nikki

  16. William/Victoria 3 years ago

    Vanessa – You shouldn’t struggle with your life between a man an a woman. You can enjoy being both. The thrilling time is when it’s time to pick out an outfit and you start to make the change…the rush is exciting and you feel tingly inside. It’s all good…very good.

  17. Genivieve 3 years ago

    How right on you are about the splitting of your time between your male and female sides.
    In an effort not to hurt my wife I did the same. Our kids never knew about me only my wife. she passed away a little over a year ago, now I can express my feminine side as often and as long as I like. That said I trade it to have wife back without reservation.

  18. urmila 3 years ago

    Dear venessa
    I understand your position dear. Luckily u have a very understanding woman as your wife. I am sure u dont want to lose her, hence it is not advisable to go in for comlete transition. U can be the woman u want to be , even without going in for operations etc. For a change, accept the woman u love as ur husband and be a good housewife to her, If it is possible u can stop working outside and bexome a full time “housewife”. Let her be the providr and the one to take all major decisions. And If u decide to have kids ion future, u can take up the conventional mother’s role of nurturing and raising the child
    Of course the decision has to be urs – if u want to go in for full transition and lose the person u love or accept a compromise and live with that wonderful person.
    personally, i can tell u that i have accepted that i cant go in for transition and loose what all i have and am living the life of a “housewife” and give her a good home to come back

    • Praveen 2 years ago

      dear urmila,
      i am accepting what you said. i am new to here. i have now started looking for a person. I love cross dressing. i have not done many times. may be once or twice. I am ready to accept your point and looking for person if anybody interested i would like to see. i dont want to go for transition.

  19. karla 3 years ago

    I am crossdresser, 10 yrs ago, I am married with a woman, whe knows who I am. I am happy using skirts, high heels, pantyhoses, etc. I want to share my feelings and opinions with cd sisters.
    Hugs to all of you

    • Jenna 2 years ago

      Vanessa, I am riding the same boat as you. I have the extremely strong urge to go out as a woman and to be more of the woman that I desire to be. When I am at home with my wife, I am usually in a nice top and skirt or short pants. I don’t own any mens underwear. The only underwear I have is what my wife has helped me pick out at VS. We go shopping virually every week-end. Regardless as to where we are shopping, be it VS, The Gap, The Loft, Coach or whatever, she insists on me picking something out for myself. When I go to work, no one would ever know that under my drab clothes I am usually wearing a nice lacey or silk thong, panty hose, shaved legs and my toes are nicely painted. I love my wife very very much and would never do anything what so ever to hurt her. I deeply appreciate the support she has given me and the time she has taken to try and understand what I do. I am not looking to have an affair with either a man or a woman but I would rather spend time with other girls such as myself just to talk and enjoy each others company. When I am dressed femmed, I am SOOOOOOOOO much more relaxed. I find that my feminine traits are coming out more and more when we are in public and it concerns me even less and less. I currently divide my time 60/40 being femmed the 60 part of it but I am struggling to get it over that 90% mark. I have been searching for any type of assistance that I can get to help me move forward with being more feminized. I have looked for support groups in my area but they are pretty much non existant. Just to feel whole inside I know that that is the way I must move. I understand that men becoming femmed is much more common than one would think, but it is still extremely difficult to find other girls such as myself to spend time with and maybe learn from each others experience. I to would appreciate hearing from other girls in the same situation.

      • jenniferlee 2 years ago

        You are lucky to have a wife who is so supportive of your situation. One night nearly 30 years ago, I was caught red-handed by my wife while wearing women’s clothes and walking on the street late at night. She was so upset by what I did that I promised never ever to do that again. But even now I am still occasionally getting my release through wearing women’s clothes and walking around the streets…just like that…with a wig on and in a skirt… late at night…just a walk like that is enough to release my tension…but sometimes I go a step further by inviting the men (or boys) I meet on the street to have sex with me. I guess I am a real pervert.

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