Living between the man I am and the girl I want to be

Living between the man I am and the woman I want to be

It feels so right. Exercising my feminine grace, sharing my soul with a friend or stranger, working on being beautiful. Becoming a woman seems like the worthiest outcome of my efforts, and whenever I think about the necessary practice and perfection to get there it lights a smile inside my soul.

Yet for all my strong desires to be a woman, I go to work on Monday without a trace of the girl within me. I do not need to suffer the sacrifice so many transsexuals make when they transition. And I wonder, is my desire for womanhood just a fantasy that amuses me in my time away from real life?

My lovely wife has been wonderfully supportive. She’s shown more support than I dreamt I would receive. Yet, she loves me for the man I am, and I know that going further down the path to womanhood would mean that I lose the most precious thing in the world to me – the relationship I have with my wife.

Transgender Heaven - Gender Journey

Somehow, it feels false for me to split my time between being a man and a woman. It feels more whole to be a man on the journey to womanhood. That even though it is slow, each step is deliberate with a well known end goal. To set such a definitive direction would mean so many things, not least of which are many uncomfortable conversations with those I love.

Don’t misunderstand my confusion – I have come to terms with being transgender – I love and accept that part of myself, along with the many other talents and gifts God has blessed me with. Yet I still struggle with how to express it in a fulfilling way. Unless I have a clear path before me, I resist the necessary practice in the feminine ways that would take me closer to being a woman. If being transgender is part time, more of a ‘hobby’ than a lifestyle for me, how can I be fulfilled?

More Articles by The Author

The following two tabs change content below.
Dedicated to creating a safe, supportive and welcoming environment for everyone in the transgender community.

Latest posts by Vanessa Law (see all)


Leave a reply

  1. Laura 2 months ago

    This sounds almost exactly like the situation that I am in. My wife is my best friend and has been for most of my life. She and I have talked and where you know your path I feel like i am traveling down a dark and lonely road sometimes. I feel with every step I am loosing the best person in my life but am unsure if it is something that I really want. I am happy for you in the fact that you know your path and seem to have accepted and embraced your self so fully. I wish you all the happiness in the world.

  2. tammy Marie 2 months ago

    Wow,sounds like a carbon copy of how I feel.

  3. michele smith 4 months ago

    just lost wife of 27 yrs for me if I could have her back I would quit dressing she caught me dressed once before she got sick we stadethis is something that wont go away together after she caught me dressed I never told her about my dressing because I thought I could stop me from dressing cause we where together it dosent work that way I found out after I was cought dressing she never wanted to see that again by us talking about dressing it helped keep me from dressing pluss having more sex but now shes gone and I know now this is something I have to do either to learn something or just experience dressing before its my turn to pass so in my next life I may not have to go through all this again

  4. Gina 11 months ago

    Hello everybody:
    My cd name is gina I am 28 yo I been married for 5 yrs and I love my wife to death, thats why Im so afraid of letting her know that Im a cd, the first time I put on some female clothes I was 5 yo, I grabed one of my moms panties and put them on they felt so good and smooth I didnt want to take them off. I have memories from when I was 3 or 4 yo playing with my little junk and not liking it so I tried to hide it in a little stocking lol ;back then I used to play a lot with my moms high heels and dresses, even with her lipsticks haha at the begining my mom wouldnt tell me anything but then as I started to be more femenine in my walking, my gestures and talking my mom started to reprehend me for it. I even remember when in school I used to tell my peers that I liked boys and that when I growed up I was gonna be a girl. Then my dad notised how fem I was or maybe my mom told him Idk but he started to talk to me about how bad it was to be gay and wanting to be a girl, he told me gays and trans go to hell, and that nobody likes them, so I stopped for a long time until I was 9 or 10 yo one of my cousins who was 1 year younger than me had just moved closer to us and he asked me to suck him so I did and I liked it so much that up to this day I still crave being the girl of a man. A long time passed and I didnt xdress again until I was 18 yo my dad was out of the country and my mom worked a lot so she would always get home late so I used to xdress a lot in this time she wasnt home i would put make up on. paint my nails and toes, didnt have wigs back then but everything else I would take borrowed from my moms and pretty much my whole life its been like this like on and off xdressing.
    I have never been with a man other than when I sucked off my cousin, I met my wife and stopped xdressing for the first 4 years of marriage, buy since 1 year ago this need and urges to xdress has come back and even harder than it ever was, now I have the urge to go out in public and so I do, also I crave men like crazy most of the time altgough I love my wife. Honestly Idk what to do anymore I feel trapped, I want to be a woman and have a boyfriend, be desired, and protected by my men, i wanna be sexy for him and have as much sex as he ask me for, I want to coock for him but I dont wanna loose my wife neithee I really love her so much, and I know that what I say doesnt make sence at all but thats how I feel and I just cant stop, latelly I hate my penis so much I dont even wanna see it so I tuck most of the time, and also latelly Ive been doing a lot of girly shopping.

  5. Maneesh kumar pandey 1 year ago

    I want a beautiful loving body because many girls refused me because I have very ugly face and average body type I am very disappointed with my life. I lost my job and now I have little shop . Now what I do. How I be love mate of someone likes me

  6. Rosaliy Lynne 3 years ago

    I found this article you wrote back in 2008 and I am sure there are a lot of comments on it so far. My cross dressing probably started a lot sooner than my normally accepted ‘start’ in high school. My story from that time seems greatly similar to so many others I have read that I won’t fill in those details here.

    When I started, it was a NEED to dress as opposed to a desire to be a woman. I am not sure why I felt so strongly that NEED but it is the first conscious thought I remember. And the second thought was how good and RIGHT it felt to be so dressed. I had, like others before me, the usual quandary that this is not what I am supposed to be doing and that it was somehow wrong to do this. Still, the NEED was strong and the FEEL was RIGHT.

    Now, finally I am that woman in so far as my transformation is as complete as it will ever be. it is RIGHT to be ME and THIS IS ME!!

  7. Kari Bryant 3 years ago

    Opps, I m so sorry. I got carried away. 🙂

  8. Kari Bryant 3 years ago

    How many of us really get the chance to express ourselves. I have been very fortunate in the last few months have been given the opportunity to find out or at least explore my total person. I like so many of us have hidden my partial self from everyone that means any thing to me. (43 years to be exact). I have to realize through therapy, heart ache, pain, guilt, self loathing, help from some really great people from this site (again thank you Cynthia 🙂 ) and all the other emotions that comes with being human that my life is one interesting and entertaining journey. Nothing is ever set in stone. Looking back over the last six months, I still can’t believe that I have been able to move past the pain, fear, and hurt of having to come out to those I love.
    There are times I still think it is a dream. I never wanted to hurt the ones I love, but I did by not being honest about who I am with my wife and kids. My family is everything. Without them, I would lack the focus they give me. They ground me. Having to explain to them about a special part of me was the hardest thing I have ever done. My wife, who has been my best friend for over twenty years, I still feel the guilt. I changed everything by not being honest. If nothing else has been learned about this experience- that is the one lesson I will go to my grave with. Be honest with yourself and be honest with the ones you love regardless how hard it is. Still working with that one 🙂
    My wife still has a difficult time, but the incredible side of her still loves me. I recently moved out at the first of the year. Again a very difficult thing to do, but we have worked on ourselves and our relationship. We moved away from the big “D” word and redefined what it really means to be married and a family. I am less than a mile from our home and the only real difference is that I just sleep in a different bed for a while. I am still very involved with our kids. We still do everything a a family and we are getting along a lot better than previous years. We actually go on dates again. Haven’t been able to do that in years. 🙂 She has given me a very special gift of trying to figure out who I am. How much of my two salves are actually one. And how does this all work? Yes, it is very hard. I do miss the background noises of three beautiful daughters, bickering or arguing over who borrowed whose clothes, whose turn is it to do dishes, etc… I still try and laugh at the little things in life and smile when I see a beautiful sunrise on the way to work and remember what ever else life throws at me I still four beautiful women who love me. What more could I ask for?

    • *skippy1965(Cynthia) 3 years ago

      You are such an incredible woman! I can’t believe how well you are doing in trying to reconcile the male and female sides of your self. And to do it while keeping your family so close and all is so amazing! You were one of the first people in crisis” who sought me out for advice and I Was SO terrified I would tell you the wrong thing and mess up your life. The fact that you took the leap of faith in texting me-a comparative stranger at the time-humbled me to my core and I just tied to let God speak through me! It was HE and you and your wonderful family that got you through all that-not this crazy mixed up girl who is still trying to figure out herself whether transitioning is in m future or not. I am SO afraid of what might happen with work and family but am also afraid to NOT let this part of me out to live and express herself!. One day I’ll probably be the one frantically texting you for advice! 🙂

      Anyway, please keep me up to date on your story. I Feel like I know you and your daughters already, and I wish ALL of you the best in whatever path you end up taking!


  9. Clayton H. Vereen 3 years ago

    I Clayton vereen want to sign up for the crossdresser Heaven . I am a feminine man that wants to be a female.

  10. Jennifer Patrick 3 years ago

    Boy did this article really resonate with me. I just turned 50 and have been cross dressing since I was 10. Through all of the years I have been doing this, through all of the obstacles that challenged my perseverance(and sanity) the guilt, shame, purges, and denial; through the small triumphs(going out cross dressed for the first time) and the happiness I felt when I was dressed and the dawning realization that I finally accepted that this is who I am and the embrace of peace that went along with that revelation; it was the conflict between the male & female within and what way I wanted to follow that posed the biggest quandary in my soul. When I had moments of conflict like this, I often thought of the Roman god Janus. He was the god of beginnings & transitions, and thereby of gates, doors, doorways, passages, and endings. He is often depicted as having two faces, one looking at the past, and one to the future. Although I sometimes glance back at my past and Lord knows I can’t forget it, I’d rather be where I am now; standing in the doorway with one foot firmly planted between the frame and other moving forward towards the future; my gaze focused on the person I’ve always wanted to be. The journey continues and the road goes ever on………

  11. sashaolaksana 4 years ago

    most people have a few things in common being a cross dresser single mom, first boy or child or abused as a kid

  12. Shaunalynn 4 years ago

    Hi my name is Shaunalynn, I never was molested as a child, Thank god. I feel for the ones that did. You never deserved that and the people who did this should never be happy and live with their gilt. I had a great childhood, parents. I knew from the age of 4 that I was different. I always wanted to be a girl. I would play dress up with my sister, wore her clothes and played with dolls and girls toys. She always said, she wanted another sister. and I always felt I was. As I grew up I never changed, I still wanted to be a girl. I been married, girlfriends normal things as a man. I have always been feminine. Even the women I been with said the same. Some enjoyed it some did not. I am going for the next step. I have a pyco and I am on my way. I am starting HRT and I am happy about this. I am so tiered of the fight. Its time to be happy. I don’t know about the surgery. But I know I needed to do to be happy and content in mm life. Lots Of Love Shauna

  13. dean upton 4 years ago

    to me it is my life in a nut shell..i know that I should have be female. t was molested when I was very young by both my brother and cousin. this went on for years. then my mother took her turn. I am not married and I can wear female clothes when ever I want. I cant pass for female but love the feel on my body. I shave most of my body. my daughter tells me that I am very feminine acting. I just want to be a woman. like I am suppose to be. am totally gay.

  14. tom weir 5 years ago

    I’m a man that wants to be a woman in all ways plus I’m 55 when I was growing up I was sexually active with a man that was three times my age

  15. Jon B 5 years ago

    wow put on a dress for the first time and a wig it feels great then I started reading this site I found on the net I now want to explore my feminine side I want to look totally like a woman I am still loving being a guy cant wait to go shopping for dresses shoes panty hose makeup and all I will need thanks I love this site Joan

  16. Gina 5 years ago

    I have fought for year about man or girl very few know of my more female side. Most of my life I live as a man and was never totally happy and complete. I the past few years I myself have come to realize a man I am not I have start to take herbs for my breast and my clothing is now 30 per cent female I have never been more happier in my life. I know most people do not want to be close to me but that’s okay I am happy

    • rebeccalynn 4 years ago

      What herbs do you take for breast growth?

  17. Savana 5 years ago

    I have been living as a male. I HATE IT. However, i don’t know if i was made, or born this way. Let me explain. Between the ages of 7 and 10 i was molested by my uncles. Yes i said uncles. One was more then the others,but it happened. One did this until i was thirteen. Next, i was molested by my female babysitter. I know this sounds out of the park, its true. I know it was wrong and perverted of them, but, i enjoyed it. I really did. Between my uncles and babysitter, they broke my cherry in a way. This act,this behavior what ever it was,could have made me feel like a girl.Or was i born to be female, and was not given the chance to be who i am. I would try to grow my hair, and my mother would cut it off. When i got around fourteen, i would not let her cut it anymore. As i grew, time,circumstances,influence forced me to be male.Time also has made me look masculine. My wife tolerates my fem side. I am very subtle when wearing clothes. I do not want to look like a man in a dress. I would rather look like a man. However,I am slowly changing,transforming from the inside out. My body is always hairless. My hair is long and somewhat styled feminine. I use feminine products. I know this wont work, but i do it for my frame of mind, is take a women multi vitamin. I have a very young male face, this is the only thing that works for me. I want to wear makeup,however i have not reached this yet with my wife. I want to completely come out to my wife. I am afraid she would not love me anymore. This is why i did not fight to change during my life. I did not want to lose my family. I need love,closeness. The sex with my wife and I have suffered. I love having sex with her, i just would like if she would take initiative. My daughter and her children live with us,so its very difficult to be intimate with her, and i want to make love to her as a women. Haven’t done that yet. There’s more. Bottom line i want to die as a women not a man.
    I have nobody to talk to about this. I need Help.

    • urmila 5 years ago

      Dear Savana
      reading ur was like me going through my experiences. Like u, I was molested between the age of 6 and 13 by my maternal uncle. and later seduced by an aunt. Even though i didnot like what my uncle did in the beginning, I started liking it and i did enjoy the experience with my aunty. My virginity was lost when my uncle used me.
      These experiences,Perhaps, in my subconcious mind, made me think i am a female. Somehow, i went through my life as a man and got married and have 2 children. After my second child was born, What was in my subconcious started come out and i started dressing up secretelt first and because it was too much of a strain, I did come out to my wife and thankfuuly, after the initial shock and resistence, she has accepted it fully. But bevause of our children and the society, she has made me promise that it will only be between us. and nobody should know about it, and now we are gradually moving towards role reversal and shortly, she will be the sole bread winner and the home maker and taking care of the children. Now with this arrangement I feel free and quite satisfied and have accepted the position. This way I am not loosing my family and the love of the woman i adore.
      I do having sex with her, the difference is that she takes the initiative and it is she on top most of the time.
      I am thanking God for all his blessings and happy now
      See u can find a compromise like I have done and be with ur family. good luck and best wishes Savana

    • Jenna 5 years ago

      I am almost exactly in the same situation as you and would also love to talk to someone about this. Can we talk?

      • bill morris 5 years ago

        i like to wear woman lingerie i like men to take me to bed i like blk men i tell them all put your blk baby in me deep i want a blk baby so bad i pray for it to happen want to be a woman also i do have a nice small set of boobs now i just want blk men to ,love me in the bed this is day and nite why

    • macaylla 4 years ago

      I am in the the same boat as you are i want so bad to be a girl ive considered the worst thank god my wife has been there for me 75 % of the time but i still have this thought of being a girl and it is killing me

    • dean 4 years ago

      I know how you feel i feel the same. I have it different from you as I am divorced and can pretty much do as I wan and I want to be a woman

    • urmila 4 years ago

      First thing for you to comeout fully, you have to move out and live separately. I am sure she does love you as much as you do, and wouldnot like to loose you, instead she will understand your deeper feelings and will definitely try to adopt

    • Tina 4 years ago

      Omg I felt like that for years broke up with my last girlfriend 5 years ago when I came out to her Ben living as a female ever centsafter a year of gended counseling it was con permed what I always knew I am transsexual and I love that about myself would not change who I am for anybody ever again I know who I am and work hard ever day to be the best woman I can be I love myself and my life this all came to me when I fully excepted who I am a transwoman and always have been lov tina

  18. jenniferlee 5 years ago

    I am in my 50-s…I have been secretly crossdressing since the age of 17. While I was staying with my parents, I sometimes put on my sisters’ clothes and makeup and looked at myself in the mirror. I started going out in women’s clothes in the middle of the night when I was 24 and have been doing this…on and off…sometimes up to a dozen times in one year…for the past 30 years. My wife doesn’t know this…our marriage will break up if she does.

    While I am on the street, I look for men to have sex with. Some men just run off…after knowing that I am a man…but others go all the way with me…I usually get down on my knees to suck them off…and occasionally I have anal sex with them.

    My addiction to cross-dressing is a nightmare…literally speaking…because in the middle of the night I just suddenly feel those irresistible urges… I have to put on a wig and my wife’s clothes…and then off I go onto the street for ‘man-hunting’.

    I am glad to have this opportunity to share my insanity with you.

  19. Victoria 6 years ago

    What is so impossible to explain is how it makes you feel to dress up and be a “woman”. It took me 60 years, but I am there. There is no way to explain it…but it helps that the love of my life loves it too. She loves me as “her woman” and she loves me as her man lover too. It all makes us so incredibly close and we both love it.

Log in with your credentials


Forgot your details?

Create Account