Should we tell?

hi i was born delbert my mother told me that i was supposed to have a twin . i did but she shares my body , she is delbra dawn whom i totaly love . she fought for years before i finaly acccepted her as part of me .so i can well relate to linda's artical . love delbra
dawn

Maybe the possibility exist that you are over thinking it. Sometimes we see things that seem so huge and scary but once addressed we find that it was actually pretty easy to do. I can only speak for myself but once clean and out of that refined dark closet I felt a new freedom. I didn't set out to tell the world, only those that mattered the most and once that was done the rest fell into place. Good luck Linda.

Maybe the possibility exist that you are over thinking it. Sometimes we see things that seem so huge and scary but once addressed we find that it was actually pretty easy to do. I can only speak for myself but once clean and out of that refined dark closet I felt a new freedom. I didn't set out to tell the world, only those that mattered the most and once that was done the rest fell into place. Good luck Linda.

Linda - I understand your point of view and for most of my life I shared it. I still think to tell or not to tell, and who to tell, is a personal decision and one that is affected by so many different things, that no blanket answer would be correct. For me, I spent the first 58 years of my life worrying about what others thought of me, and it took a near-tragedy for me to finally stop caring what others thought. Part of that for me includes eventually coming out to those I love, because I do not want them finding out by accident if at all possible. Those friends and relatives who I see rarely and never at my own home don't really need to know so I will not tell them. My mother is almost 90, and I only see her 3 or 4 times a year - I also won't tell her, since it will serve no good purpose.

I look at my crossdressing as I would any other "unusual" hobby - say, collecting Barbie dolls - not everyone needs to know, and I might not want my macho buddies to know I collect Barbie dolls, but telling those that are closest to me might help them to understand me a bit better.

April

Linda - I understand your point of view and for most of my life I shared it. I still think to tell or not to tell, and who to tell, is a personal decision and one that is affected by so many different things, that no blanket answer would be correct. For me, I spent the first 58 years of my life worrying about what others thought of me, and it took a near-tragedy for me to finally stop caring what others thought. Part of that for me includes eventually coming out to those I love, because I do not want them finding out by accident if at all possible. Those friends and relatives who I see rarely and never at my own home don't really need to know so I will not tell them. My mother is almost 90, and I only see her 3 or 4 times a year - I also won't tell her, since it will serve no good purpose.

I look at my crossdressing as I would any other "unusual" hobby - say, collecting Barbie dolls - not everyone needs to know, and I might not want my macho buddies to know I collect Barbie dolls, but telling those that are closest to me might help them to understand me a bit better.

April

Linda,

I totally understand the reluctance to tell others of this intimate part of yourself. I had thought when I got married that the feelings and desires to dress would go away, but as happens to all of us, they returned as strongly as ever if not more so. My ex found out about Cyn accidentally one year into the marriage and almost left then but ended up staying another 12 years (and another child too) before deciding she could not tolerate it anymore. So I definitely feel that any SO/spouse has the right to know as secrets in a marriage are a recipe for failure.

As for telling others,including kids, friends, everyone else-that is, as April said earlier- a personal decision. For me, it was a secret I kept until the kids were teenagers living with their mom but discussing whether they might wish to live with me instead, I felt they needed to know about this part of me as they would have seen too many signs of Cyn at my house to be ignored. At the time I was fairly certain that my gender questioning was limited to the CD side of the spectrum but in the last 3 years or so the needle has moved more toward the real possibility of transitioning at some point in the future. Also, the need to dress more and more often as Cyn and the beginning of desires to let her out in public led me to wish to share my feelings with those close to me. I had joined CDH late at summer and the love and support I received here gave me courage to let the closet door slowly swing outwards. And at one point, the figurative "light" snapped on when my niece saw me wearing nail polish and I ended up coming out to her about my transgender feelings Over the next 2 month or so, the rest of my family here (as well as two close friends) learned of Cyn and for the most part have accepted that I CD and that I may or may not go further in the future.

Telling others CAN be a selfish actor it can be the only alternative to a life of loneliness and depression. WE each need to think about our motivation for telling others and weigh the benefits and the possible negative outcomes. WE must also be aware of and ready to deal with the possible consequences of revealing this part of ourselves up to and including the possible rejection by those who learn of it. That being said , it can be life changing in a good way as well if it allows us to more fully accept ourselves as people worthy of love and respect.

Thanks again for a very thought provoking article.

Cyn

Linda,

I totally understand the reluctance to tell others of this intimate part of yourself. I had thought when I got married that the feelings and desires to dress would go away, but as happens to all of us, they returned as strongly as ever if not more so. My ex found out about Cyn accidentally one year into the marriage and almost left then but ended up staying another 12 years (and another child too) before deciding she could not tolerate it anymore. So I definitely feel that any SO/spouse has the right to know as secrets in a marriage are a recipe for failure.

As for telling others,including kids, friends, everyone else-that is, as April said earlier- a personal decision. For me, it was a secret I kept until the kids were teenagers living with their mom but discussing whether they might wish to live with me instead, I felt they needed to know about this part of me as they would have seen too many signs of Cyn at my house to be ignored. At the time I was fairly certain that my gender questioning was limited to the CD side of the spectrum but in the last 3 years or so the needle has moved more toward the real possibility of transitioning at some point in the future. Also, the need to dress more and more often as Cyn and the beginning of desires to let her out in public led me to wish to share my feelings with those close to me. I had joined CDH late at summer and the love and support I received here gave me courage to let the closet door slowly swing outwards. And at one point, the figurative "light" snapped on when my niece saw me wearing nail polish and I ended up coming out to her about my transgender feelings Over the next 2 month or so, the rest of my family here (as well as two close friends) learned of Cyn and for the most part have accepted that I CD and that I may or may not go further in the future.

Telling others CAN be a selfish actor it can be the only alternative to a life of loneliness and depression. WE each need to think about our motivation for telling others and weigh the benefits and the possible negative outcomes. WE must also be aware of and ready to deal with the possible consequences of revealing this part of ourselves up to and including the possible rejection by those who learn of it. That being said , it can be life changing in a good way as well if it allows us to more fully accept ourselves as people worthy of love and respect.

Thanks again for a very thought provoking article.

Cyn

As I have told many of you I come from a strict conservative area. I have thought about telling selected siblings and maybe a couple of locals about my crossdressing. Reading Linda's article, honestly, led me to conclude that my crossdressing is no more anyone else's business than, say, my going to the ballgame or hanging out with my vanilla friends. Crossdressing enhances my life, no doubt, but those of none of the other vanilla friends I care deeply about.

As I have told many of you I come from a strict conservative area. I have thought about telling selected siblings and maybe a couple of locals about my crossdressing. Reading Linda's article, honestly, led me to conclude that my crossdressing is no more anyone else's business than, say, my going to the ballgame or hanging out with my vanilla friends. Crossdressing enhances my life, no doubt, but those of none of the other vanilla friends I care deeply about.

I told my wife after 10 yrs of marriage after she had found a woman's phone # in my wallet. I could have made up a story and not tell her, but I was tired of lying and told her. Needless to say it was a shock. We had 3 children at the time. We are married now 45 yrs and have 5 children. As far as I know my children don't know. My wife is always afraid of them finding out. I feel no need to tell them and if they do I will explain it the best I can. I get out enfemme one or two times a month. My wife hasn't seem me as Terri and has no desire to. I think that when you tell someone you place a burden on them to whether to keep that secret or not. If my situation was different I think I would like to live as a woman, but realistically that would hurt too many people.
Yours Terri

I told my wife after 10 yrs of marriage after she had found a woman's phone # in my wallet. I could have made up a story and not tell her, but I was tired of lying and told her. Needless to say it was a shock. We had 3 children at the time. We are married now 45 yrs and have 5 children. As far as I know my children don't know. My wife is always afraid of them finding out. I feel no need to tell them and if they do I will explain it the best I can. I get out enfemme one or two times a month. My wife hasn't seem me as Terri and has no desire to. I think that when you tell someone you place a burden on them to whether to keep that secret or not. If my situation was different I think I would like to live as a woman, but realistically that would hurt too many people.
Yours Terri

Linda,

Yes or No, the fact that you feel comfortable presenting either way because it is ALL you and is ALWAYS all you alomst make the question in your case irrelevant. I am so glad you found that balance as few of us do.

As for Yes or No for me....the answer is some Yes, some No, mostly I don't care either way.

A very well written article Ms. Linda!!!

Codille Benton
Managing Ambassador

Linda,

Yes or No, the fact that you feel comfortable presenting either way because it is ALL you and is ALWAYS all you alomst make the question in your case irrelevant. I am so glad you found that balance as few of us do.

As for Yes or No for me....the answer is some Yes, some No, mostly I don't care either way.

A very well written article Ms. Linda!!!

Codille Benton
Managing Ambassador

Linda,

Thanks for writing such a nice article.

I too have agonized over the same question. Do I tell some one? If so, who do I tell? Although recently I have come out to some people who are very close to me, I came to the conclusion that I would tell people when it felt as though it was for my own benifit. It felt good to tell them. It felt like a tremendous amount of weight had been lifted off me.

My point is, it's about us. It's never been about them.

Hugs and best wishes,

Vickiej