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Hey ladies… it’s one of those mornings, wondering where life is going. My SO knows I dress, but doesn’t want to see it and does nothing to encourage me. Every so often, she’ll mutter some comment about not understanding it, or complaining that I have more girl stuff than her, or some other lacking thing about me. Most days, though, are good…. out of sight, out of mind for her.
So many of you have been there, and some of you have SOs that changed to
- accept…let you do what you do with no judgement
- support…actively listen to you about things on your mind, help you get through them
- encourage…pull you more into the direction you want to go
What got your SO to crossover? Were there certain things you did, tried, said that were key?
Dear Lea ,
I am still in the closet myself , and don’t have a SO ,
so I have little advice to offer you I’m afraid.Maybe if the Women in our lives see how wonderful it can be
to have a partner that understand their own Feminine needs better ,
they may come around a bit more in at least trying to understand , why we need
to dress in Female attire ourselves.A Woman that has a partner that loves to dress , doesn’t have to explain why She bought another dress , another pair of shoes or any other Female garment.
She doesn’t have to explain why it takes Her “so long” to get dressed
when She goes out.
She has a partner you can discuss anything with , including the Girl Stuff ,
that so many men usually don’t understand , I think.Those Women don’t only have a Husband , but also a best Female Friend !
And if they are open to it , maybe they will see things in a different light.
I hope your SO will come around Lea , thank you for sharing your story here ,Love Sylvia.
Hi Lea, an open conversation about my cross dressing, and an invitatipn to a Christmas party, where my so could meet with and talk about experiences
Also learning that my crossdressing has dominated my life span.I wish you happiness Lea, and a new level of understanding .
Best wisjes
JaneAll I can say is it will take patience, time and honest communication. But even that may not be enough. Some women are just never going to be able to accept a crossdressing partner. I’m one of the lucky ones.
We had a tough time initially but now I’m able to just be myself around her and she calls me Diana.
It helped that when I came out to her I had only just figured this out about myself. I didn’t marry her with this big secret I was hiding from her. For the first 15 years of our marriage I didn’t even know I’m transgender, We still had to have a lot of intense and often heated discussions before she came to accept.
The truth is you can’t MAKE a partner accept this side of us. You can only be patient, honest and hope that in time she starts to accept,
Hi Lea, Good question, I didn’t know I was a CDer till 20 years into our marriage, we have always had a very strong relationship and are very concerned about each other’s happiness. When I first opened up to her I hadn’t been dressing so long but figured out after some purges that it didn’t seem to be a going away and the hiding was making me crazy. She was upset but after many discussions and quite some time of DADT she surprised me and said she wanted to see me dressed. We were both very uncomfortable but as time went by we both became more comfortable. We still often discuss how we both feel and I think being super sensitive to how your SO is feeling is key to getting to a good place for both of you. I can understand wanting to rush things along but I think it’s best to expect her never to be comfortable with it and then be grateful for whatever comes your way! Telling her was the hard part and you already have that behind you. I really hope things work out for you.
Kate
My wife of 31 years is still my soulmate but still not able to embrace Catherine. I do not push too hard but still try a little at a time. I doubt she’ll ever be like some wives and actively encourage my dressing but she does seem to be easing ever so slightly her aversion to the idea. It’s ok. I made a promise all those years ago and I’ll never break it. I’m lucky to have her and try to remember that every time I feel like I’d like more freedom to dress . I hope all you ladies here have a wife so wonderful.
Cheers,
Catherine
I’m in almost exactly the same position. It’s got to be completely consensual or not at all. I’ve seen a couple of posts on here that seem to take a “like it or lump it” attitude, and that’s not on. Nor is the “if she really loved me….” argument. That cuts both ways.
Like you, I’ve seen some slight easing over the last year or so, and all I can do is to gently push the boundary and hope for an encouraging response.
We live in hope, eh?
Connie
xxx
My wife met Leonara by accident, she was upset that I didn’t tell her..however, at first she accepted it and we went shopping together for Leonara’s panties, cami’s, and pantyhose…however, and we went for manicures together, however, over time Kathy couldn’t accept Leonara fully dressed and requested I dress when she is not home.. she gives me the opportunity to dress 2x-3x week to dress when she is out with friends
“Don’t ask don’t tell” is working for us …
LeonaraHi Lea
When we married 37 years ago I hadn’t started dressing but I started to dress in secret after 7 or 8 years, after many many years of confusion, inner turmoil, and so many purges I finally came to understand, more importantly, to accept that there was a female part of me that could no longer be suppressed.
I finally came out to my wife a year or so ago, after we had “the talk”. It turned out she had had suspicions for quite a few years but chose not to confront me with them, of course, since coming out things have changed at home regarding our relationship! Firstly my wife is very understanding of my need to crossdress and knows that this part of me can’t and shouldn’t be suppressed however she has said she can no longer have an intimate relationship with me which is sad but I do understand. As she said to me, “this isn’t what I signed up for” .At this point in time we still love each other dearly and are working hard to find ways to work through this seismic shift in our relationship in order to preserve our marriage and find a way to live happily ever after!
I guess what I’m trying to say is be open, be honest, be understanding, be patient and don’t try to force anything on anyone.
love Stephanie x
Hasn’t happened yet, but I live in hope. You have to – the alternative is too depressing.
Connie
xxxLea,
One of the basic tenets of human relationships is that you can’t change someone, you can only change yourself. You need only to look at women in abusive relationships who stay, because, “He’ll change.”Some SOs are just wired differently. Mine will probably never accept, much less help me in my crossdressing. You just have to recognize the boundaries.
I suppose mine is DADT. Unless, that is, she discovers the full extent of my activities and decides, herself, to change.
Much love,
Raquel-
The most helpful thing for us was open communication without pressure over time. If there is a true connection in the relationship with both willing to work things out then progress can be made.
I guess the biggest key for me in gaining understanding and support from my SO is the strong foundation of love we share that is based on mutually putting the best interests of the partner before their own. We kind of liken it to building up a savings account of understanding and compassion with each other that can be withdrawn from in times of letdown or need. And when I fully came out to my wife, I took a huge withdrawal from that account! But I had built up my goodwill with her so much that it allowed us to weather the shock for her that is only natural with a woman who signed up to share her life with one male but not two blended spirits. So you have to ask yourself: “How big is my goodwill bank account with my SO?”
As far as encouragement goes, I’d say the key here is utter respect for comfort boundaries and the ability to inject some levity and fun into the whole affair and not take things too seriously if you can avoid it. Girls that can giggle together shouldn’t have any problems spending time hanging out with each other.
– Kayla
I told my wife before we married. She asked me if it made me happy? I told her it did. She said if it made me happy it was okay with her. She is a active participant. I was recently asked by a CD friend to be a bridesmaid at her wedding. I said of course. I think my wife is more excited than I am. I am very very lucky.
Hi Lea,
My wife has recently moved from some acceptance (with reservations) and cautious support to full on acceptance and encouragement. We’ve been married almost 20 years during which I’ve crossdressed in a limited way for most of it (underdressing only until last year). There are two things I think at play in our situation.
1) The times have changed. Drag race is everywhere, LGBTQ+ related issues are being discussed on the news and in conversations with friends. My niece recently transitioned (MtF). One daughter has come out as being in the LGBTQ rainbow. Another daughter is an ally. We’ve discussed a few times how if my revelations below had come up 5-10 years ago we might not have survived as a couple.
2) Last year I started to understand myself finally and began to crossdress more completely and talk about myself as a trans-woman as my understanding evolved, all of which let her know that ‘something’ was changing. This also allowed us to work through her concerns (and mine). Then we had a bit of a relationship crisis towards the end of November (only tangentially related to CD’ing) and out of that she realized that she didn’t want to lose me and I came to the same realization about her. She also realized that she was attracted to me as Abbie (I think this is a key moment). Then it was like a light bulb was switched on and we went from Black and White to Technicolour. Since then she’s bought me clothes and two wigs (and helped me de-friz the original). We feel like it’s a new relationship on some levels. We are definitely in love again where before we’d almost become platonic.
I don’t know if any of this can be applied to another situation but maybe if you squint a bit, you’ll see something that might work for you. I guess the big take-away is communication. And not just any communication, it has be to be fully honest. There are definitely risks with that kind of honesty but the rewards can be huge. There was a time last year where my wife said she didn’t know what would happen if I transitioned, referring to us as a couple. Thankfully she’s past that position and we’re in a beautiful place.
It’s worth mentioning that before all of this, when I was just underdressing, my wife wasn’t phased by it. She didn’t take part in it actively but didn’t discourage it either. So I guess I’ve always been lucky.
— Abbie 🥰
I didn’t have to do anything, it was just the opposite for me. She is the one who moved me down this path, Getting rid of all my male clothing and replacing them with female clothing, shoes, wigs, etc. She is also the one who taught me how to apply makeup, and to move and act feminine. We do and go everywhere as BFF’s.
You are one lucky lady Jennifer! I am so jealous. Do you live in a fairly large city? Where I live there’s around 100,000 people with next to nothing for crossdressers or TG girls. That combined with the number of people I know makes it very difficult for me to go out enfemm. No one would probably recognize me but can’t take that chance.
Love,
Trish
Amazing!
Lee, your SO sounds exactly like mine and I told her about my crossdressing before we even got married. I just had to, I couldn’t, in good conscience, marry her with out getting my hobby out there for her. But it ends up all she does is barely tolerate it and she doesn’t want to meet Trish at all. I know both our lives would be so much better if she just accepted it, I would be happy with that but she is a totally black and white person, there’s no grey area’s for her. Not long ago I asked her why she married me know what I was if she couldn’t accept it, she said I thought I could change you 🙁
Hi Lea as another lucky one my wife is very supportive and accepting of Stephanie .. When we met and deciced to get married just after we tied the knot shortly after i came out to her and as she says who does it hurt as long as we keep it at home between us its not a big thing as we are a few years apart in age our Love life left many years ago so as she also said she is not a Lesbian which is ok as im not gay im a Lesbian at heart ha ha and she splits the household chores up three ways and she does her 1 third can you see where this is going ha ha as i didnt see that coming .. But we are having fun and have our reservations for Keystone this year for us both a trip in to the world as woman for Stephanie so looking forward to it..
Stephanie Bass
My wife is fairly open minded. I suppose that has to do with the fact that she has a gay brother. He is not fem (just a little weird LOL) but came out nearly 50 years ago. So I think her and her family’s acceptance of his orientation helped when I finally revealed that I have had a desire for dressing for many, many years.
I told her about 3 months ago. She was immediately understanding. She did want to know why I didn’t tell her before (we’ve been together for 14 years). I told her I didn’t know if that would be a line she wouldn’t want to cross.
She has been completely supportive and helpful. She has coached me on make up and we have done shopping together. I only dress at home so shopping at a store just means we look at clothes together and I appear as if I’m giving my opinion.
We are fairly close to the same size so if something doesn’t fit me quite right, it might fit her and vice versa. She ordered a couple of chamises from Amazon that didn’t fit her but fit me perfectly.
She loves how happy I am when I dress up. She puts out chamises or something for me to wear in the evening when I come home from work. She critiques me on my walk and body gestures, wanting to make sure I do it right.
She has always told me that I am her best friend. Now she tells me that I am also her best girlfriend. I could not be luckier.
Hugs,
Karla
Lea, so when did you marry my wife? My situation is exactly the same! I suppose it is for a lot of us. My wife is the “out of sight, out of mind” type also, though she is kind of coming around. She picks out nighties, leggings and sometimes panties. Lately she has been looking at skin care fore her and me, “you need to take better care of your skin. It needs to be softer and protected. You don’t want to look like an old maid.” Then coming back from a doctor’s appt today, she said “You could do with darker eyelashes, and darker eye brows with some shaping to them.” Then she start talking about bronzing the face, etc. I asked her “referring to me?’ she said “yes, of course”. so maybe she will eventually come around totally.
My wife was aware of my activities, well before we married. We were loosely connected through a group of common friends, and she had seen me helping with an LGBTQ group where I participated in several events, en femme. At first we were just acquaintances, but we often crossed paths, when I was both en femme and en homme. We were both recently divorced, and not looking to marry, but enjoyed being together, and the subject of “Carla” was easily discussed. She had many gay and lesbian friends, and so for her it was not really a new thing. The first time she went out with Carla, was to an AIDS benefit, which was somewhat glitzy and formal, and I had to loan her a dress. After that we were pretty much on the same page.
Love my Wife and my Wife loves me, & she has always been open to different life styles
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I may have had an easier path than most. Before my wife and I were married, we worked at the same company with a lot of interaction on common projects. I was married to someone else and never discussed dressing with her although I was burning to get back in the game.
My now wife and I had a torrid affair back then which naturally wrecked my marriage (we are all close now in case you were wondering). We hadn’t discussed crossdressing at that time. But my now wife had been exclusively with gals from the time she was in high school and through college and into her career. We were incredibly attracted to each other and still are.
When I came out to her as a crossdresser before we were married, it was a shock but she quickly got over it. The best thing… we are about the same size!
Steph
Nothing “got” or forced me to accept and support hubby’s dressing. We talk and we listen to each other and things evolved naturally from there.
Hi from a CD SO. Im coming at this from a different angle here to most of the replies. When i found my partners clothes i was in shock, however when i spoke to him about it he was nothing but honest with me about the whole thing. The most important thing I would say is honesty. Honesty without forcing it on her. Explain that youd like to discuss your desire to wear womens clothing, and ask her how it makes her feel (without interogating her). What is it she dislikes, what is she scared about etc. Make it clear that you are not trying to get her to be more open minded and respect her completely, but that you want her to feel comfortable with your decision that this aspect of you is who you are and cannot be supressrd. As a partnership, you should both be there for support, even if its not something you understand yourself. You need support as much as she does through this.
My partner says to me how lucky he is to have me but he is a blessing to me, even if i am still getting my head round all this. It certainly challenges those stereotypical values of men being the strong protective role. Why should clothing change that perception?
Be transparent with her but respectful of her wishes, be true to yourself and be clear with her and come at it from an angle that youre both in this together not against each other.
Hope this helps a bit
Em xxx
Wonderful advice, thank you Emily. If I had to do it all over again, I would have made being honest my only agenda. I wish I had found this site years before I told my wife. I hope others read and truly think about what you’ve said, it would make the whole discussion and life after with a spouse go so differently, much better.
My wife has always been accepting of my crossdressing. She’s never encouraged it nor would I say she has ever fully understood it.
My crossdressing was baggage I brought into our marriage. For many reasons it has been a part of me since early childhood. I’m very thankful I don’t have to hide it from her. If I would have gone through all these years keeping it secret and being in constant fear of getting caught, I think our marriage would have suffered from it.
This may all sound wonderful to you gurls who may never have come out to your wives, but there are tradeoffs that do get in the way and make my life as a crossdresser somewhat difficult to live with in my relationship.
My wife also came into our marriage with her own baggage that I also have had to learn to accept and live with. My wife is a junk collector. She has a need to shop at thrift stores and buy anything and everything she sees that needs a home.
After our kids moved out she has filled their rooms with so much junk you can’t even open the doors anymore. The rest of the house is not much better. I have not even been able to sleep in our bedroom for several years now because there is not even enough room for me to get to my side of the bed.
I am going to admit I have taken my lingerie collecting to an extreme over the years and my collection is in the thousands of articles of lingerie. The difference is I do not have my lingerie hanging all over the house. A number of years ago I built an addition off the back of my garage that as far as anyone knows is just my “mancave” My entire collection is kept hidden away in file cabinets and Tupperware containers in the attic over the garage. Only when I want to play dress up and admire my collection will I bring it all out and put it on display.
My interests in crossdressing is not on display for the whole world to see unlike my wifes hobby that has destroyed any thoughts of living like normal people.
I know she needs help and this lifestyle is not healthy for either one of us. My crossdressing and lingerie collecting is an extreme hobby too but unlike hers it is out of sight out of mind.
It’s really hard for me to talk to her about her problem because I have my own feelings of guilt about what I enjoy.
That’s unfortunate Lucy the situation you’re in with having to deal with your wife’s extreme hobby. I have an SO who doesn’t match my desire to keep a clean, organized house. My lingerie drawer is meticulous, hers looks like it was ransacked. My clothes are always put away, hers are all over the place. It’s probably the one topic we argue and disagree on the most.
Sometimes, I clean… all of it. The irony was that I grew up in a house where my mom felt it was her duty to keep it clean, organized, nice even while holding down a full time career. My dad, well, he didn’t lift much of a finger at home, though he did work and took care of planning trips, some shopping, procuring fresh meat/seafood that my mom loved cooking, and we all enjoyed eating. He does clean more at home now that he’s retired and Covid took all the fun activities away, and all us kids are out of the house.
So… sometimes that cleaning weirdly makes me feel feminine because of how I grow up even though truly I believe it’s the responsibility of all, regardless of gender.
Your situation sounds impossible to solve, difficult to live with. A sly suggestion … occasionally, get rid of something in one of those bursting rooms, she won’t notice, and the act might help you find a little peace. I do this when I see things lying around for weeks, they get hidden… lol. If no one asks for a few more weeks, those things permanently disappear… lol.
I have a boyfriend and he was accepting, supportive and encouraging from the start of our relationship, which is when I first told him I dress. We had been best friends prior to becoming boyfriends so we already knew each other extremely well. Communication is key, I wanted to make sure I told him right from the start so there wouldn’t be any surprises. He told me I looked beautiful and gorgeous the first time he saw me dress (romantic lingerie) and it felt so good to hear him say that even though I knew he was accepting prior to that night. I’m still currently closeted but he’s told me if/when I decide to go out that it would be fine. He wants me to express myself and be me.
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