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For those of us who’s still in the closet:
You’re closet is full of dresses, skirts, bra’s and women’s shoes. In a certain drawer, you may have plugs and toys. Another drawer filled with your panties.
You’re computer has all your screen names and passwords saved for crossdressing sites.
Your own little private crossdressing world is in tact. You have your routines down pat. Everything is in order that makes your CD life very fulfilling.
Then suddenly, you have a massive heart attack or accident and die.
Someone is going to be going through your house, your bedroom, closets, drawers and your computer. You’re secret is going to be exposed, and there’s nothing you can do about it.The thought of this used to worry me to death. To think that after I’m gone, I won’t be able to hide anymore. And that they’ll know I was “this way.” And more importantly, that I kept something from them.
My idea’s on how to do this:
1. Let my loved one’s know that I want to taste every grape on the vine before I go. Even things that most find objectionable. Just to see if they’re actually wrong.
2. Write a letter now, explaining the how’s and why’s.
3. Do nothing.Me personally, I’ve done 1 & 2. LMAO.. My kids are used to me explaining stuff in detail. So my letter explaining this part of my life, was lengthy and detailed. Especially the part about doing things that most everyone else would object to. I’m the type of person who’ll go out of their way to keep from adversely affecting the lives of others.
Hi Michelle!
Plugs and toys… check! LOL!!
My SO is aware and could care less. At our age now it’s a shoulder shrug. Meh… Have fun.
My adult kids, on the other hand… I love your letter idea! Thanks! I will give each one a signed copy through my lawyer with all my passwords and stuff. I doubt they’re even blink. My daughter will look at my son after reading the letter and say, “Yup, we always knew we had 2 mothers!”
Happy New Year!
Hugs, Barb 🙂
I have given this some thought and have concluded that if I die before my SO she will collect all of Brandy’s stuff and donate to a thrift shop. If tragedy strikes and she goes before I do I will have to store it for a while when her daughters come to take what they rightfully want. Then I will write the letter you suggested and put it in the drawers with my bras & panties. Thank you for this great idea, Brandy
I hope the first place they find is here. This is the only site that my compiter knows the password. I hope and will encourage them to read what I have written here. What I have written is more than I could tell them in one sitting. A lot of people have commented how open and personal my writing are. They are open an honest and from the deepest part of me. After they read my writing here I hope they see what kind of person I was. They will probably say
‘ that explains why …. ”
Here on CDH has been the only place I feel comfortable to actually say the things I do. I see it as my final comments to everyone. If you would like to get the real story out about who you are and why they are finding all the hidden items. Don’t leave someone else explain why you have all the womans clothes in your draws and closets. Take this unique opportunity to tell your story. Our stories are passionate, loving, caring, tramatic, and heart touching.
I will at my passing feel good about what I left behind. I will be at peace.Dream
This is an important consideration, especially for those of us who are older, or who’s health might make this more timely. My wife and I have recently had a similar discussion, because as a matter of care, I feel somewhat perplexed about how to prepare my immediate family for my passing. My kids and their families, are aware of my femme persona and activities, but chose to avoid discussing or acknowledging it, whereas my circle of friends will see my loss much differently, in the case of a funeral or other memorial service. Oh the tangled web we weave in our lives.
I keep my lingerie/ nightwear/ breast forms in my own bedroom and wardrobe. (My So and I sleep in separate rooms. She knows about Caty, “but does not want to know”. The rest aka a complete female wardrobe, wigs make up etc are in a storage unit about 30 mins from home. Again she knows about that… But not its female contents
My will details a number personal and valuable male me things and my instructions about what to do with them. eg wine collection expensive guitars There are notes in various “femme places” about what to do with all my femme things eg donate to charities/women’s shelters etc.
As for “techo stuff” computers, external hard drives, passswords etc I’d say they will be wiped and dumped whereever. I wont be using them anymore so I’m not fussed about what happens to them.
Caty.
Hi Michelle,
While I’m still in the closest to my kids (as per my wife’s request), she knows all about Krista (but prefers not to know). And since I’ve already had a heart attack, I’ve prepared a letter to my wife (not as part of the will) with instructions and information about all sorts of things (passwords, banking info, insurance, investments, what kind of funeral I want, a powerpoint presentation to share at the funeral, and what to do with all of Krista’s things). She is appreciative of all this info. But I haven’t given thought to what happens if my wife and I die together. Oops then our son and daughter will have to deal with it. I’m going to have to convince my wife that I come out of the closet to our kids. That will take some doing. But maybe she’ll be open to me writing a letter to them to open only if we both pass. thanks for the idea. Hugs, Krista.
Interesting thoughts Michelle for any of us who are closeted in anyway. My wife is aware of my “hobby” but as a father of young children I hope she would discard of my things without them knowing. The thought of my kids finding my stash doesn’t sit well with me as they are too young to understand at this time in their lives. But as time goes by and attitudes change I believe at some point in my lifetime this concern will become a big fat “nothingburger”. Being a good father and husband are the most important things in life and if years down the line it comes out that dad explored his femme side hopefully it won’t change their opinion of the person I was. Maybe it could open their eyes to accept others who struggle with gender issues.
I’ve dealt with the same thoughts a number of times, Michelle.
Finding my clothes isn’t what worries me. It’s that drawer full of “plugs and toys”. It’s hard to deny that there is a sexual aspect to my dressing after opening that drawer.Hugs, Jillian
My children (all adult) have been told about me and 2 who still live with me see me all the time. Often they are normal clothes, but I do have some more fetish outfits too. When I knew I was going to get a divorce, was going out often that they would find out, I decided right away I wanted to tell them when the time was right. I didn’t want them to “find my stuff” and never be able to ask questions about it rather than be surprised.
As far as toys, they’re adults. I have seen evidence that one daughter has toys too. I didn’t push, I didn’t question, I didn’t investigate. I respected her privacy. I don’t see why it wouldn’t go the other way. We may be their parents, but we’re human too. If they find toys, they would probably just put it in the trash. I’ll be dead, so I’m not going to be embarrassed.
Hi Michelle,
This topic has come up before , but don’t worry, new members arrive regularly, and it’s always worth revisiting. So thanks.
Not surprisingly there are different takes. My grown up kids see me as a bit ‘off the wall’ anyway, but so far they haven’t put two and two together. I hope before I go I’ll be brave enough that we can sit down for a ‘talk’
If not, my backup solution is a letter that lives with a copy of my will. They’ll know where to look. And if the letter doesn’t satisfy their curiosity, I’ve told them as a P.S. to find their way to cdh to ask their questions here (Sorry cdh – I’ve no intention of popping my clogs just yet – but they are really nice women, honest!)
Marti xxxx
I have often thought about this. If I die before my wife I’m safe as far as my extensive collection of feminine appeal goes because she knows all about my crossdressing and huge collection of lingerie.
What she doesn’t know about, but I think would not be totally surprised about, is my extensive hours of video I’ve made of myself while dressing and the countless hours I spend outdoors in the yard and by the pool dressed in my lingerie. I know for sure it will shock her to see how daring I got when dressed and taking walks out the driveway dressed and sometimes only wearing my lingerie. I never can resist videotaping all the pleasures I get from crossdressing. She probably is not going to be happy to find I have in my collection many of her dresses that she hasn’t worn for years in my collection.
I hope I will have some warning before I die so I can get rid of all the memory sticks I have with all the naughty videos on it that I have made through the years. The thought of her finding out that I got more pleasure out of wearing my lingerie and satisfying myself than having sex with her would be devastating to her. Our sex life has never been that exciting, but that’s another story.
If she dies first I have no clue what to do to prepare for my passing. Thankfully I won’t be here to see the shock on my kids faces when they find out about dads big secret.
Footnote: I told my wife when I die I want to be buried in one of my negligees and not a suit and tie. I told her I would come back and haunt her if she did. Lol…
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Being Bi, the toys actually came before the CDing. And not being married any longer, can’t be excused as being the wife’s. LMAO.. Especially being in the drawer beside the bed and in the shower.
The more I think about this, the more planning I’m realizing will have to go into this. The easy thing to do is dismiss and and say “Oh well, I’ll be dead and won’t care.” But I’m alive now, and I do care. At least about my legacy and how I’ll be remembered.
I’m pretty sure I can get my ex to clean out my fem stuff. But how to put her in a position to where my kids would even allow it. Especially if she’s not told right away that I’m gone.I think this is what they call a conundrum.
I’ve strategically chosen a girlfriend younger than my myself so theres that. She’s very aware and a willing participant.
I’m far from closeted anymore, especially with my family although the extent of my wardrobe might open their eyes a little wider. As for the ‘toy’ collection, that’ll be the easter egg lol, it’ll help explain why my email acct is OHlivia and my almost permanent smile.
I choose cremation without visitation or services so really not concerned with how I’m dressed.
Olivia
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Since I’m mostly still closeted, I’ve created a letter that I leave with my stash. I have an office/TV room in the basement that she rarely goes into, but if she did, my tennis skirts aren’t hard to find as they’re just kind of laying out with some other clothes (because I like to get the mail and take out the trash with them on and like to have some of them handy) and there’s a giant black trash bag that is FULL of my holiday shopping adventures from this season. So, I’m hiding, but not hiding.
I’d just like for her to have some explanation right away instead of having to wait to talk to me later. If I’m dead, again, there’s an explanation instead of her mind running wild with no way to get any answers. I have ZERO interest in cheating on her as a result of my cross dressing/gender fluidity, so I need her to know that was not part of me doing this. I just love dressing and projecting as a woman. It started as something sexual, but it is now part of my core being. It is who I am.
*kisses* tara 🙂
Outside of immediate family, those folks that know, are the ones I already told and have accepted me, the others I told that didn’t accept, have no part or say in the future proceedings from my estate.
I have let it be known, according o my off center sense of humor, that any one making things difficult for my survivors, will be haunted “Fer th’ rest o’ their days”. (Pirate like chuckle and growl follows).
My sister already knows to get rid of which photo albums in the armoire, lol. The clothes all go to charity, the rest of the things to be kept if they want them, sell the rest and have a block party on the first anniversary.
PaulaF
I’ve thought of this many times. I suppose if I knew I would have time, I’d probably clean out my closets, computers, etc. But in a sense I hate that because “Jen” was/is a cherished part of who I am and there is even a little part of me that sort of wants my kids to know something about her. But if something is to happen suddenly I like the idea of a letter to let them know what this all was and wasn’t about and especially let them see my account here. Then they could see who I was.
-Jen
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Besides having someone who knows to dispose of your stuff before family and friends find out, you can have a remote storage locker or space for all your fem stuff. If somehow you can provide a false address, then when you no longer pay rent because you’re dead, the staff will try to contact you first and after a period they will auction off or dispose of the contents… problem solved. No family or friends will ever see or know. The key is to give a false address and phone number and pay the rent in cash in advance.
I don’t do this but it seems like it would work. I don’t worry about family finding my stuff because the wife knows and hopefully will toss without family knowing. I really don’t care as I will be dead. If they do find out about my dressing it may explain some things for them.
Great point you raise. I have thought about it but you bumped it up the priority list a bit.
A letter with the stash sounds like a good idea. Part, but only part of the answer IMO.I have thought the same things too…
My wife knows about this side, I just hope she does a few things for me after I’m gone…
- For my funeral, dress me how she wants, probably my wedding suit, and put a bra, panties, and heels on me under that
- Let my child keep anything of mine they want
- Donate the rest of my belongings to a place, shelter, non-profit where CDs were would benefit
I guess I m lucky here, and anyways my death and what people think afterwards is not something I get concerned over..because, well, I m dead. I don t have the standard worries of others. I have no family, just my gf who is as much into Ashleigh as I am, the few people that know me know that Im not “in societys box” that I m wayyyyy out there, so it wouldn t suprise them…so yeah, basically I don t worry as I have no one that would be interested or bothered.
I’m still doubting what I’ll do, dang it. On one hand, I don’t want my kids to know anything about my CDing. I’ve never wanted to disappoint my kids in any way, shape or form. I love them that much.
I’d thought of getting my ex to come in an get my CD things. But that might cause a problem. Emotions will be running high during that time, and I’m not sure they would allow her to. Leaving a note for them with my stuff, is still going to disappoint them and make them think that I was capable of lying to them.UGH!!! This is a tough one.
I’ve been thinking about this. Part of me wants to just give my kids my passwords when I die and let them figure it out for themselves. Not that they would care. They probably suspect it. I just don’t want them thinking I was unhappy or living a lie. Which in some ways I suppose I am, but no more than other things.
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I will be dead so doesn’t matter what is said or what anyone thinks when removing my things from my home.
Sandy
Unless I die unexpectedly in the near future, my (rather casual) plan as of now is to slowly reduce my wardrobe. And by this I mean both my male drab and dress wardrobe. Which, btw, I have been doing for several years now. Basically with my drab clothes, when a new one (of whatever) comes in, two go out. (I’m also going through my other things and doing the same, no reason to burden anyone with all the ‘stuff’ I’ve collected over the years. Fortunately, I’m now getting some inquiries by my adult children that maybe they do want this item or that. I’m personally shocked, but also thrilled.)
As for my dress_y clothes, I’m also slowly getting rid of those, too, for several reasons – outdated or I’m just not interested in wearing various items.
I do agree that once I’ve passed, it shouldn’t matter…but I’m still aware of what Shakespear had Marc Antony say about Ceasar – ‘The evil that men do lives after them, the good is oft interred in their bones.’
If they think any less of me for whatever turns up – as there is right now anyway, absolutely nothing else in my life that I have the least concern about, like scandals, secret lovers, etc.etc. – then that becomes their problem and not mine.
The big issue is what to do with my remains. My spouse wants her ashes scattered over a certain place which is fine with me, but almost all of my ancestors (parents and so on) have been buried, casket or ashes. I’m still undecided but will choose soon.
Dear Michelle!
Hi how are you doing? I see that you and I are about a month difference in our time/life here at CDH, and that you gave yourself a Christmas present!
So I am wondering when another month passes for me if I will gain your insight(I doubt it)
You probably planned for “what happens if” catastrophe before CDH. But having an audience of what I perceive are damn sharp\smart humans, and your ability to communicate a strategy is pretty unique, global in scope. Think of where else is there another group like us. So if we all buy into my observation about our being intellectually well above average, then why did many read your first couple of pp and felt their stomach have the elevator “drop fast” feeling. I certainly could be the only one to have that reaction. But that is what I felt.
As I read my stomach told my brain: “ oh God, Michelle I absolutely know what you are saying to me.
And I know it’s one of just a couple of mental‘walls’ I carry but dismiss”.
Not as much from procrastination but from a tidal understanding that the children, cousins and best friends “discovery” moment will be an inevitable fact. A selfish position no doubt.So now
being 99% sheltered since my “realization” at age 5-6 and getting closer to “that day “I have been given a way, thanks to you Michelle.
And again thank you to our community for making this possible.
Thanks so much
With love
JaimeSome people, in other lifestyles, (where perhaps there is a drawer or box of plugs, toys, other things) have a “porn buddy” , who has agreed that if something happens to you they will come and get box a, or clean out closet b. This requires having a high level of trust with one person, but might be preferable, for some, to having your family clean out your closet
Before I came out to my wife about Wendy, that was a huge concern, especially since I was undergoing numerous hospital appointments.
On top of that, would she shun my parents upon finding my feminine side ?
Now that my wife knows about Wendy, good news is those concerns are gone. But something she has said in the past is the huge amount of clothing/accessories that Wendy has, and she would be the one to clean it all up.
One topic that I would like to bring up to my wife is how I want to be dressed when the day arrives. I would like to be dressed as Wendy because where I am going next, I’d like to be my feminine self not my drab self.
Wow!!! Double wow!! I’ve been wondering this for sometime. I really don’t worry about what anyone is going to think as they go though my goodies. Heck, I’ll be in my way to Crossdressing Heaven anyway.
I have some amazing outfits that I wish could get to other CDer’s. JHi Jess,
Seek out your local women’s shelter/pride group/the employment service for underprivileged women etc.
Ask them if they would be happy to receive either all or some of your “goodies”. Then do as I have done and leave notes in “Strategic places”, eg your bra and panties draw.
The note should request that all relevant clothing items should go to these most worthwhile charities and not in the dump bin….Or Goodwill if they must..
I have done this and received a very good response from the local pride group here in Melbourne.
Happy dressing(and living a LOT..longer)
Caty.
This is definitely a recurring thought for me. It really makes me want to come out to family, so that there is no traumatic surprise when the time comes. I have drawers full of pretty underwear and lots of sex toys etc. I also wonder how common that is. Do my adult kids all have these things? Does everyone else? I certainly hope so, since they are things I really love and get lots of enjoyment from. I wonder if others have different things that might shock us if we saw them upon their death. My closest friend died a couple of years ago and I helped go through his stuff and took a few things to keep as mementos that we shared. He had absolutely nothing scandalous that I saw. Just exactly what anyone would guess a middle age man would have. No panties, no sex toys…hmm. Well, he was pretty depressed, which I think contributed to his premature death. That might have been partly because he had no kinks or oddities. I think we need those things, or at least most of us do. Wouldn’t it be nice if this was all just more normal and accepted?
Thoughtfully,
CatherineJulia, I watched an episode of “Hoarders,” where they had to clean up a loved one’s house. The woman’s brother died. She found his women’s clothes, HUGE dildo’s and all sorts of fem stuff. I remember her just breaking down in tears, calling her brother a freak. She was so disappointed. I truly felt sorry for her.
It got me to thinking about what would happen if my kids were to be in her situation. While some wouldn’t care about how their kids would think and feel. I don’t want my kids to remember me in that way. I’ve worked hard and sacrificed for them, as any good man should do for his kids. That’s how I want to be remembered.
So my plans to leave a note is changed. To what, I’m not sure. I’m thinking about having my ex be the first to go through my stuff and box up all the stuff. If asked, she’ll tell them that it was personal items of a sexual nature between her and I. Which isn’t an outright lie, since she’s the one who helped me progress into CDing.
I’ll have to work out the details. But what ever the decision is, it’ll be because I don’t want my legacy to be shadowed by my CDing. I love my kids that much.
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