How I learned to be a female trapped in a male body

As the second son, born to a father who wanted a daughter, I was dressed and treated as a girl.  My blond locks were kept long, I was often called by a girly name, and was told I was cute.  When my sister was born, all of the sudden I was the forgotten child. The oldest in the family was a boy, and there was a girl, younger than me.  As other siblings came into the family, the feelings of being forgotten, ignored, not recognized only grew worse. I so wanted the attention I was use too, before my sister was a part of the family.  I could be a boy, and be forgotten, or a girl, and not be accepted.  At that young age, didn’t know who I was, or what I was, but either way, I was not happy.

Time passed, we got a bit older and my sisters clothes became more girl specific, more gender specific.  My curiosity overpowered me.  I just had to know what it felt like to be a girl.  Maybe if I was a girl, I would be noticed, loved, and get some attention. When the time at home, alone, happened, I would dress in my sister’s clothes.  The sensation of panties, a cami, petti-pants (a favorite) and a dress.  Oh, the sensations, the emotions, the sense of well-being.  The times were always far and few between.  Guilt quickly replaced the elation and thrill.  The desire never left.

As the family grew but the house did not, our basement rec room became my older brother’s and my bedroom.  Our laundry room, with my sister’s clothes, was on the other side of the basement.  When my older brother was out late, gone for the weekend and then gone to college, I had my own version of heaven.  I could dress, relax, enjoy and explore my own sexuality.  As a teenager it was an exciting but lonely time.  I wouldn’t have traded it for anything.  I even started to discover some of my mother’s clothing, especially girdles.  Oh how I just wanted to have someone to share some time, emotions, and sex with.  So happy and so lonely, all at the same time.

College came.  Not many opportunities to dress, but the desire was always with me.  Loved to think of my self as a girl.  Even fantasied about being the female in a relationship with my best friend.

Then there was the draft, the Army, and not much chance to be my female personality. But I did meet this special young woman, fell in love and got married.  My desire to dress only came back.  One night, making love, I asked if I could try a bra and panties.  My shocked young wife went along, confused and worried.  I was so excited, so sensitive to every sensation, that I was totally hooked.  Maybe I could be dressed as a woman and be accepted, loved, have attention.  Sometimes dreams come true, sometimes they don’t and sometime they just visit for a short while.

My wife was never excited (well maybe a few time) about my dressing but she did tolerate and accept it, and at times she purchased clothing for me.  I still have the first bra and panties she ever bought me.  I think I should frame them and hang them on a wall but no one would understand.  At that point in my life dressing was entirely sexual for me, a welcomed relief and thrill.  It was tough to dress while raising kids but sometimes the opportunity presented itself.

I can remember at a very secluded, private cottage setting, sitting out sun tanning together.  I wore a bikini (yes, I did get burned, intentionally) while my wife suntanned topless, with only a bikini bottom on.   Memories still bring a smile.   Margaritas, lotion, massages, and just dreams in the sun, in private.

My work life was in sales management.  Always a higher goal, always expected to be the best of the group, and a personality to reinforce the challenge.  Tougher, stronger, smarter, harder, more driven, or at least we all thought we were.  Never did recognize the totally different skills, personality, thinking, logic and skills that the women that I worked with used to succeed.

Enough time passed that retirement set in.  In retrospect, and with the time to dress while my wife went to work, I began to think about some of the women that I had worked with.  Finally I started to recognize how much different, how much better people skills they had.  At this point in time my wife’s opinion of my dressing became “She knows but no longer wants to know”.  I can dress but she has no interest in sharing or participating.  Now when I dress, I want to get in character as JaniceAnn, feel as close to being a woman as I can. When I am JaniceAnn I try to use the same skills, emotions, feelings, logic and people skills that I experienced so many years ago, for so long, that usually drove me nuts.  Now they make me feel better.

An interesting side note. My wife likes who I am becoming without having any idea or knowledge of JaniceAnn.  I am gentler, kinder, more loving.  When I have reverted to my old male persona she has told me she doesn’t like who I have become.  Seems strange but I am happy to being a female trapped in a male body, as long as I get to be a physical, visual woman in my own fantasy.

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JaniceAnn

Semi-retired, and a part-time commander of a land based Yellow Submarine. Been dressing on and off for it seems like a life-time. Trying to add the best character traits that many woman I have known seem to have instinctively, that I lack. Dressing helps me feel in character, and more in touch with who JaniceAnn is, how she thinks, how she feels, reacts, and cares. I already love how much she has changed me. JaniceAnn did go out in public, finally, a few weeks ago. Went to a Saturday matinee of a locally produced version of "Casa Valentina" Really was an emotional, intense few days, with a very surprising finish.
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  1. Profile photo of Stephanie
    Stephanie 3 weeks ago

    My story is almost the same as yours. I had 4 sisters that basically raised me. They started dressing me up in their clothes when I was 4 years old. Treated me as a girl in everyway possible. Being able to choose from 4 different sources for clothes, they had an endless supply to dress me up in. They taught me how to BE a girl. My parents didn’t seem to mind that I was in a dress more than I was in pants. My hair was also long. Back then I really don’t know why I wasn’t bullied about my hair or how I was dressed. As I got older, I was drafted, served a year and was discharged. Never once dressed while I was in the army. Got out and married “the girl next door” and tried to live a decent life. The wife new all about my sisters dressing me ( she participated sometimes ) and was fine with it. As I bought all my own clothes, she was jealous for a while that I had nicer lingerie than she did. We fixed that problem pretty fast. We would have a girls weekend and go shopping and whatever once a month. I missed her terribly. She passed 10 months ago.

    • Profile photo of JaniceAnn Author
      JaniceAnn 3 weeks ago

      Stephanie, I love your story, and fell so sad about your wifes passing. Sounds like she was a delightful person, filled with love and compassion. Thank yo so much for sharing your story, and the love of your life.

      Hugs

      JaniceAnn.

  2. Profile photo of Wanda Shirkey
    Wanda Shirkey 1 month ago

    JaniceAnn,

    Loved your story. It seems a lot of the older sisters on this site can relate to you. I was the middle child and was pampered until my younger sister came along. My grandmother use to dress me up in my older sisters clothes. I had a blast trying her clothes on when she was not home. My wife found out about my cross dressing about a year in our marriage. Although she tolerates it she does not like seeing me dressed much. Sometimes she gives me her clothes she does not want anymore. I take what I can get.

    Love,
    Wanda

  3. Profile photo of Helen Harrison
    Helen Harrison 2 months ago

    I can so relate to your experiences as I myself went through something the same. I though have not had acceptance from my wife and this has been the only downside in our relationship. It was lovely to read your story and thank you for allowing us all to read it.

    Helen

    • Profile photo of JaniceAnn Author
      JaniceAnn 2 months ago

      Helen, Thank you so much for your reply. It warms my heart when someone else can relate to my story, and maybe it helps them a bit. It is tough when we don’t have someone to share our fantasy with. I understand.

      If you are curious, I do have some photos on Facebook. Just search for JaniceAnn Allen.

      And, again, thank you for sharing your feelings.

      Hugs
      JaniceAnn

  4. Profile photo of skippy1965(Cynthia)
    skippy1965(Cynthia) 3 months ago

    Love the soy, Janiceann snd congrats on getting out in public. May all your hopes and reams come true!

    Cyn

  5. Joanna 3 months ago

    A very interesting and moving life experience JaniceAnn.
    It must have been very difficult for you after your sister was born in going from being treated as a girl to then be treated as a son. I went through a similar experience and found it very difficult as well as making me quite jelous of my sister.
    Like you I’ve always felt I’m a girl in a male body, I would love to go further than just cross dressing but age is against me, I’m now 73 so a few years older than you but we are on a similar journey.
    Thankfully our lovely understanding and accepting wives are on board with us.
    Happy Dressing, Always. xx
    Xmas greetings to all from Norfolk UK

  6. Profile photo of JaniceAnn Author
    JaniceAnn 3 months ago

    Hi kimmi, I am touched that you found yourself in my experience. We do share a similar situation. I hope you get enough opportunity to be Kimmi.

    Hugs
    JaniceAnn

  7. Hansa saro . india 3 months ago

    Dear Janicen
    i felt as if i am reading my own story. same experiences same thoughts , same accepatance from a confused wife. i was a closed CD for 50 years. e then there was urge to show my CDing. So I showed to my wife. she was shocked & angry but had to agree that I look better in her dress. Now she is willing to buy lingeries & dress for me. But I refused. I only want her own old clothes to wear. Because they carry her loving softness. She also likes to wear my clothes. We enjoy it.

  8. Profile photo of Deb
    Deb 3 months ago

    Hi JaniceAnn. Great! I am 55, married, children. Few purges. Told my wife about CDing. I do not fully CD; my upper man attributes are more than a challenge to hide. I’m expressing the “skills, personality, thinking, logic” for few months, before that I was probably shy to be “discovered”. I cannot change some strong physical man attributes (unless a surgery) but no body will ever prevent me to express every cell/tought/behavior of my femininity.
    Thanks for your writing
    @Terri: Oh yes balance is a key.

  9. Profile photo of Angela Smith
    Angela Smith 3 months ago

    Hello Ladies,

    My name is Angela.

    I have a story to tell too.

    It will have to wait awhile until I can get the time to write it here properly for all of you to see here on this Crossdresser Heaven website.

    I am actually at the stage now in my life where I am actually going to get an assessment for a consultation with a Doctor for my SRS operation.

    I will let you know how that goes for me.

    I support all Ladies who want to change their sex from being a male to a female body.

    I know it’s a bit early to say Merry Christmas, but it will soon be here.

    So, Merry Christmas Ladies.

    Please feel free to contact me here too.

    Love, Hugs, and Kisses,

    Angela.
    xoxoxoxxo.

  10. terri m 3 months ago

    Janiceann, great post. We must be about the same age (68). I told my wife after 10 yrs of marriage. Shock is putting it mildly of her reaction. I knew from her reaction that she would never have anything to do with my femme side. 35 yrs later, 5 kids, 4 grandkids we are still together. Congratulations on getting out. I saw that play just before it closed on Broadway with 3 other girls and one of their wives. I have to admit I cried at parts. Balance is my keyword in life.
    Terri

    • Profile photo of JaniceAnn Author
      JaniceAnn 3 months ago

      Hi Terri. Thank you so much for your kind reply. I am 666, we are close, and I feel like we have shared the same path. After I saw “Casa Valentina”, most of the cast, the director and the producer waited for me in the lobby. I may have been presentable, but most likely only fooled myself. They pulled me aside, and were so glad I came dressed. We had a delightful 15-20 minutes in the lobby. I was stunned, thrilled, overwhelmed, and just had a lifetime memory.

      What I am trying to do is improve who I am, trying to learn to feel, react, think, and at times, be a woman. I have a friend from another site, who is in transition, who tells me I am on the same path. Is it possible to transition emotionally, without transitioning physically?

      Hugs,

      JaniceAnn.

      • Profile photo of JaniceAnn Author
        JaniceAnn 3 months ago

        Well, actually, no offense to Mel Brooks, only 66.

  11. Profile photo of Kimmi
    Kimmi 3 months ago

    JaniceAnn, What an amazing story! I can relate to so much of it, although I did not have the good fortune to have any daughter time or the benefit of any sisters whose clothes I could borrow. Your description of your wife’s perspective on your dressing fits mine to a T! My wife participated to a limited degree for a number of years, but now wants no part, even though she accepts that I want (and need) to dress when I can (i.e., when she is not home).

    Thank you so much for sharing!

    Kimmi

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