As some of you may know from my past posts, I have been slowly introducing myself en femme at work since the beginning of the year. About 2 months ago, I started dressing full female (make-up, clothes, nails, wigs, etc.) every day. It felt liberating, exciting, and it simply felt right! Although I still had feelings of guilt, shame, and embarrassment (as we all do from time to time). A big stumbling block for me was not being honest with my wife and family. I was still keeping this a secret and hidden although it was becoming more and more difficult as I was driven to further explore living as female.
Well, I took the plunge so to speak and finally decided to let my wife know about everything. Many here told me that it was something I needed to do before she ”discovered” things by herself. My therapist helped me prepare for this ”announcement”. I wrote a letter first to myself about what I wanted to say then I decided that I would read it to her to help me keep myself ”on track” and not let my emotions take over. I never did finish reading the letter however. About two thirds of the way through, my wife couldn’t take it anymore and walked out! The next two days were without exaggeration worse than the worst case scenario I had envisioned. The results of the next two days led to the fact we were getting a divorce, selling our home, and having to announce this to all my family members including my kids. Letting all of those family members knowing the reason for the sudden separation! To be honest, once I told my wife, telling my kids and family was actually a lot easier. It even resulted in much of a relief to me!
After 2 days, something amazing happened! My wife and I talked! It’s as simple as that. My therapist had prepared me for this even though I was skeptical. She told me ”Your wife’s reaction to the news may not be her final opinion on this news”. In other words, I had to give my wife time and space to ”react” to the news so that we can figure out if she would accept it. We were both exhausted by all this emotion and simply started talking one night while in bed and she simply asked ”Why?”. Of all the questions she could ask, I had no answer to that one. I explained I didn’t know why I felt the way I did and couldn’t express the reason why in words! I couldn’t explain why dressing as a women gave me joy. I couldn’t explain why I fantasized being a girl/women since my childhood days. All I could say is over the last few months, being dressed en femme at work had made me happier for a very long time. The next question was a lot easier to answer. ”Why didn’t I tell her before?”. Fear, guilt, shame, embarrassment, and simply not knowing what to say since I couldn’t understand myself why I was feeling the way that I did. We then began to discuss how we communicated as a couple. How we often stopped ourselves from sharing because of fear. She conveyed some of her fears (which I didn’t know about) and how deep down, this news that I told her was contributing to her fear of loss. She felt she had lost me. She didn’t…and she was slowly starting to understand who I really was. We continued talking throughout the night and haven’t stopped since!
The next few weeks were better than I could have ever imagined! My wife recognized the pain I was in and the struggle I went through all these years by not being honest with myself keeping this secret of my thrill of cross dressing from her. She started understanding why I needed to explore this side of me to better understand who I was in order to finally be happy. She then chose happiness herself. Letting go of her fears and letting her love guide her and helping me better understand who I am. She started booking sessions for me for laser hair removal (something I always wanted to do, but was afraid the ”loss of hair” would be noticed!). She went with me herself as well and we did this together as a couple! She booked me a stylist to help me choose clothes that better fit my build. She also contacted her work and asked to be an ally to the LBGTQ2+ committee. We have never been in love as much as we are now! We decided to fully go public with our journey and posted about it on each of our Facebook profiles. This came with some consequences as we did lose a few friends in the process. However, the vast majority of our friends completely supported us. I have never felt so supported and loved in my life!
Now don’t think that this is all perfect! It’s not easy. My wife still has fears and I do as well! And the fear is still real and still present for the both of us. She is still not ready to see me fully dressed or even see pictures of me while dressed as Stef. We decided my exploration would go at her pace. She wants to apply my makeup so she can feel part of the process and help me achieve my goal of looking as feminine as I possibly can. We compromise and respect each other’s limits. However, most importantly, we are now totally open and honest with each other. For my fear, I now feel uneasy with all this support as I almost feel like I now need to reach a certain goal or I might disappoint people! I resist my fears as well and simply accept that I do not have a destination in mind nor do I have an itinerary in mind or timeframe. I simply know I’m on a journey and for the first time in my life I am not alone! There are millions of cross dressers across this globe and well over 30,000 members of this Crossdresser Heaven site!
When I first joined this forum about 3 years ago and read some ”good news stories” about acceptance, I simply dismissed them and told myself “That will never happen to me!” My situation is different. My circumstances are complicated and yet here I am telling you Crossdresser Heaven members my good news story! This will not be your story. You will write your own. However, feel confident that at the end of your journey your happiness is waiting! It’s just up to you to go get it!
P.S. As a ”gift”, my wife decided to play around with the FaceApp I was using to visualize how feminine I could be. She used one of our best pictures as a couple and modified my appearance to be more female while still keeping all my facial features. She is blurred in the picture to protect her privacy. She handed it to me and said ”We make a lovely couple don’t we?” I almost cried seeing us together with me as female. She is amazing and I’ve never been as happy as I am now!
Thank you all for taking the time to read my article and I hope this inspires many of you to open up and be honest with your wife or significant other in regards to your thrill of cross dressing!
Love you all!