I’ve been born in a very strict environment. A culture who rejects people like me. I don’t know what to do. I can’t find a way to run. Everything road seems to be blocked . There is no way out. But wait I’m still me, nothing can change who I am. Yes, nothing.
I lived my life hiding my girly personality, trying to fulfill my dreams, the dream which came out when I was 12 years old. That day when I saw my self as the most beautiful mature Female. I still can remember the day, August 17th 2000 my family were invited to a wedding, everyone was preparing themselves, I got bored and sad. Everyone is going except me and that’s not fair, so I entered my sister room and i saw her in the dress, high heels and full make up, I felt like something was running inside my veins, giving me the most beautiful feelings ever. I knew since I caught my eyes on her that I wanted to be like her, to have her body, her look, and to dress like her. How amazing was that moment? Every time I remember it the same feeling coming over me.
I went out from her room wondering when they were all going to leave the house. I had a couple of ideas in my mind, but still my need is that feeling again. It is about time, I’m home alone, and I was so excited running in the house towards the door of heaven, the place I felt that I’d be happy forever! Suddenly I stopped, and said wait, there is one obstruction. I’m 12 years old and she is 16, her size is bigger than my size. I got confused and depressed, but after a while spent thinking, I took the courage and I opened the door. I took all my manly clothes off and started putting on her clothes, something rushed inside my body once the first items of her clothes touched my body closed my eyes and enjoyed the rush. Then I got the idea to look at the mirror, and I stopped and looked at myself in these clothes and fell in love with my appearance. So I decided to continue to reach the point of being fully dressed. While I was searching for something that could fit me, I found a training bra. I put it on and looked again at the mirror and saw the beautiful side of me, I saw Jenna.
Since that day so long ago I dream and question myself. “When the Day will come for me to be Jenna? When it be when I can be fully dressed in the clubs, bars and at the shopping mall?” It always goes to the same answer: Never.
Living in a very strict Arabic community, it is very hard for the people in my community to accept the fact that there is a girl stuck inside this male body. I don’t mind it as long as I can live my life as Jenna, but unfortunately i can’t. So I decide to take advantage from this body to make my own kingdom, but how without no one noticing? As an Arab i still live with my family. Then i decided to start wearing only female underwear to feel that I am home.
To be continued…
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Thanx for sharing. I underwtand how difficult it is to have to hide all of who you are from those you love. I am blessed with a qife who understands and supports my crossdressing. My family, however, does not, and I have to hide MacKenzie from them. Remember to stay true to who you are and we are here to support you.
Jenna,
I echo MacKenzie, Stay true to who you are. I know that in the Arab world it is even tougher then here in the states. Know you have made contact with friends and we are here to help and listen as much as we can.
Codille Benton
Managing Ambassador
Thanks for sharing Jenna. I love reading about members and their homeland. There are days I don’t wear anything femme, but I always can rely on one thing, that in my mind I can be anything or anybody I want.
Big hug, Jesse
Jenna yours is a difficult situation yet even now, within the Muslim world, greater acceptance of transgender people is happening. For now you might have to keep Jenna within, enjoying those small things that help you feed the need to be feminine.
In the long term, though, don’t say “never". Say “not yet". It will happen.
Thank you for sharing your story. I await the continuation.
Hi Jenna, it must be really hard for you, but be patient and live your life as you can and enjoy. More religions are beginning to accept transgenders. It is no fault of you’re own or anyone else that you feel the way you do. It’s been proved that is a natural thing that happens whilst still in the womb, yer we all suffer from the stigma and are called all sorts of bad things. Just be patient and enjoy your moments with Jenna, oneday you will feel free to be who you really are without question, as we all… Read more »
Thank you Jenna for your story…. I lived in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia for 17 years and know a little of how you feel. The good thing is that as a small built guy I could easily buy bras, panties, skirts, tops, dresses from the souks claiming they were for my wife…. now I believe that only women run/manage the lingerie shops and only women are allowed inside….
Some of the best evenings I had were dressing in my wife’s clothes in the privacy of my bedroom.
God bless you,
Vera Jane
What a wonderful story I can remember running into my sisters room and stealing clothes and the feeling of just being right. Thank you for sharing I hope it all works out for you
while my wife says she understanes while I’m dressed around her she will purposely call me by my male name instead of Liz also she will say things like make sure you take that crap (make up) off your face before you come to bed she will buy me womans clothing but have a look on her face when I were them. She says she doesn’t want to see me get embarrassed if someone see me or finds out but I really think she doesn’t want to be hurt by anyone saying anything to her about my crossdressing. If someone… Read more »
What a lovely story Jenna and I love reading about the other members lives and how they integrate there feminine side with home life, I too was around 11 or 12yrs old when I had my first taste of trying on female clothing. Was around 1997-98 when I’d spied some hold-up stockings and a suspender belt in my mother’s wardrobe and as soon as I’d noticed it I just knew that I had to try them on. The following day mum was at work and dad works abroad and only comes home a handful of times a year so no… Read more »
That story of yours just sounds so familiar and hits so many points that we all share x