Love Yourself for Who You Are
Everyone loves a good story so I hope you find this one fulfilling and helpful. I will share a few thoughts on my journey from being a lifelong crossdresser to now accepting that I am a transgender woman (who cannot transition or come out to the world completely right now). Let me state that I was raised a Methodist and always went to church. I converted to Catholicism in 2000 and am active in my parish locally. I pray every day for guidance from God the Father, Jesus the Son and the Holy Spirit to help me with this journey. We cannot do it alone sisters and we must seek God’s will in all that we do. This is challenging for us in our situation. More on that topic for a later post. All I can say is that daily I struggle with having to be a man and all my family responsibilities and wanting to explore my inner woman and “be” woman 24/7. Now to the details!
It would be a shame if I did not post this given that Pride Month is now gone. This is the FIRST year in my 61 years that I have accepted that I am transgender. Seeing all the emails and news stories of Pride takes on a new meaning now. Since last fall, I came to realize that I am transgender, and I am learning how to cope. I now understand myself much better. I have always been transgender; I just did not really understand it or accept it until recently.
I started crossdressing at around 11 or 12, the typical story of experimenting with Mom’s Lingerie. Then it progressed to seeing if I could wear my sister’s clothes. I am the youngest of three siblings. I have two older sisters. My mother was dominating the household while my father, a practicing physician, provided for the family.
Over the years, I tried to control my crossdressing. I would dress up in my room often and the feelings were wonderful, being in silky hose and lacy garments. I used to find a Kotex pad and put it between my legs, wishing I had a vagina. This was the beginning of the confusion. The year was 1973. We did not have the luxury of the internet then, so I had to suppress these feelings for a long time.
My college years were difficult as I had some gender identity issues. I was trying to figure out if I was gay or not, as I attended an all-male college. I could not dress at all. Needless to say, college was rough for me. I had some girlfriends but nothing steady. I truly was trying to figure myself out. Luckily, upon graduating and moving to another city I met my wife. It was love at FIRST sight. I knew she was the one for me. We met at work and started dating almost immediately. She was beautiful and spirited, and she was my size! I enjoyed time at her apartment when she was away at job training for a whole month. I used to try on her clothes and shoes and they fit! I was in Crossdresser heaven!
During our first year of marriage, I came out to her and her parents about being a crossdresser and they were accepting but did not understand it. My wife did not like it. Those years were difficult but rewarding as I explored my femininity. I used to dress every chance I could. I started to acquire my wardrobe and got a PO box so I could have my femme magazines delivered and stuff. It was so hard back then before Amazon.
It was now 2012 and I was relocating to another state. I thought I could “swear off crossdressing completely” so I purged and threw away EVERYTHING. I suppressed my desires for about 9 years. I was responsible for caring for my wife who has Multiple Sclerosis.
It is now the fall of 2020 and I was still working from home. What a wonderful blessing this has been. My desires came back with a vengeance. I acquired a new wardrobe and got a lot of stuff from Amazon. Thank you Amazon! It was the best decision I ever made. I bought breast forms and a wig from Amazon and it was voila! I spent a lot of time on YouTube researching about crossdresser vs transgender. Thank you Dr. Z for your wonderful videos and guidance about wanting to “be” a woman or to just “feel like” a woman. I know for me, crossdressing is not enough. The more time I spend dressed, I want to stay this way 24/7. Also, I found the videos from the Transition Channel to be very helpful on the difference between being a crossdresser or being transgender. I sought out online counseling for a month as well to confirm that I am transgender.
So I shaved my legs and all my body hair. It felt so good to be smooth. I have continued to shave my legs. I do not think I can ever STOP shaving my legs! The biggest bummer was having to take my toenail polish off for the summer!
I told my wife, after doing this research and a month of online counseling that I knew I was transgender and wanted to become a woman. She said you cannot transition, not while she is alive, and the family would be devastated. As of a few weeks ago I am a grandfather of a beautiful little girl. My daughter lives here locally, about 30 minutes away. So I am “stuck” and cannot transition.
However, I have had many opportunities to work from home fully dressed on many days, and I would change outfits several times during the day and give my wife a fashion show. She is supportive of my dressing now because I do it ALL the time. It feels so good to be dressed and be able to practice my makeup and walking. Now I am working on voice feminization.
I have perfected my makeup skills now. I ventured out at night to Walmart, CVS and Target several times. I am almost 6 feet and 230 pounds (but fit) so I have to wear my shapewear and really perfect my walk and shake my hips. I did purchase a nice gaff, hip/butt pads and shapewear from Amazon. I feel like I pass pretty well. It made it a bit easier when we had to wear a mask since you did not have to have your makeup perfect, just your eyes and cheeks!!
The last time I ventured out was in the day. I had been dressed most of the day in my girl shorts and cream blouse and wedge sandals. My toenails were painted. I knew I had to go to Walmart and buy a lot of food and stuff, including makeup and press on nails. It was about 4 PM in the afternoon. I decided what the hell. I was dressed and only had on a little blush and lipstick during the day working from home. So once I made the decision that I was going to Walmart during the day, I quickly rushed into the bathroom, took off my lipstick, washed my face, moisturized and then put my face on. I looked really good. It was 530 PM so most of the after-work moms had already been shopping and were home cooking dinner.
I just confidently walked into Walmart, purse on my shoulder, grabbed a cart and started shopping. This was the first time I had been out during the day in a LONG time so I had to be confident.
I spent about 40 minutes in Walmart. At one point, I was walking and my right clip-on ear-ring fell off. Damn! I had to calmly bend down like a sexy woman, pick it up, and put it back on and continue shopping. Luckily, nobody leered at me. Staying calm and walking slowly and moving your hips and being confident in the woman you are ensures that you can pass. There are a LOT of ugly women out there and we “girls” are a lot prettier than they are.
This year is a year of opportunity for us all to embrace each other, ourselves, learn to love more and be accepting of others and who WE are. I am not ashamed of myself at all anymore. I am learning to cope with a congruent personality – no longer do I feel like I am two people: a man and my female persona. Rather, I am Miss Hope who happens to be (male name) most of the time. Every day I have the desire to be a woman so I know this is not a phase!
Thank you girls for taking the time to read my article!
Now take a few more minutes of time to either send me a response to either my article or to one or more of the questions I’ve posed to you below:
- Have you taken the time to start loving yourself for who you are and embrace your “true self”?
- What is your “inner girl” telling you as to where your next progression with your cross dressing or trans move will take you?
- Do you currently feel any shame or guilt associated with your thrill of cross dressing or your desire to transition?
Thanks again girls, Sincerely, Hope