In mid-October 2018, I made a decision that changed my world.

Up to then, for basically as long as I could recall, I’d had a curiosity about being a girl. I don’t know why; I just did. Even as a little kid, I’d stumble around in my mom’s heels. The family thought it was funny, since I was just a kid, but I honestly didn’t understand why they wouldn’t get me any in my size. In my teens, when I did what teenage boys do (you understand), I quickly figured out that I really couldn’t complete the task, as it were, very easily until I put myself in a more female mind space. Without going too far into it, for reasons I haven’t figured out to this day, I get more turned on as a girl than a guy. So, there was definitely something female within me. But black boys don’t think about being girls – or that was the general attitude of my household. So, while I still had my occasional fantasies, I figured that’s all it would ever be – a somewhat odd fantasy that I’d have to keep to myself.

As I got further into adulthood, I still found myself admiring not only women’s bodies, but their look, hair, makeup, clothes, and shoes as well. I loved the way women’s clothes fit them and how they always seemed more interesting than men’s ensembles. I’d try to put together a “sexy” men’s outfit, but to me it didn’t look much different from a lazy Sunday men’s outfit, and it certainly was never very eye-catching, to me. I’d look over at the women and think: “Wow, now that’s a look people will notice.” The colors were more interesting, the materials felt better, and the different cuts and styles just seemed to fit my personality so much better. Eventually, I kind of figured out that, even though I liked women, it is so much more than just a romantic attraction – it’s a love for them and for what they are and what they can do. Yes, a little jealously, too. It took a while to wrap my head around it – well into my 30s – but I came to the conclusion that it’s possible to want to be with women while wanting to be like them, too. I’d spend my time at night before going to sleep watching YouTube videos (and some slightly more … intense media) about transforming one’s self from male to female, and I’d be in awe at how stunning some of the results could be. But it was still just a thing in my head, something to ponder from time to time and nothing else.

Then, toward the end of last year, I had an idea. Not sure why or what changed, but I decided I’d buy a package of panties for myself. It was scary as hell! I actually thought security might say something. But, I did it. And then I got it in my head to buy some bras. I had an idea for making some inexpensive breast forms, so why not? (That turned out not so great, but that’s a story for another time.) Ultimately, over the course of October 2018, I found myself building a feminine wardrobe and buying things like breast forms, hip pads, and wigs. It took a while before I was brave enough to try my hand at makeup – probably three months or so. But I gave it a shot, and eventually got to where I knew how I wanted to look and more or less how to get there.

Visit Transgender Heaven

At first, this was only when I was home alone, which isn’t often, as my disabled mom lives in the same house. It was just me, and no one knew what was going on. After a while, I decided to reach out just a bit, joining a more fringe website where I could speak freely about this adventure and show off my improving looks. That site was much more interested in the private matters of my crossdressing, so to speak, and that got quite uncomfortable, so that endeavor ended after a time. But, being on a webcam (fully clothed) did drive me to find my best look and learn what works and doesn’t work for me, style-wise and cosmetically. So, something positive came from the experience.

Perhaps the biggest step came early this year, when I found the nerve to go out of the house in my female form. Conservatively, I started going to a gay bar, despite not actually being gay. Since then, I’ve become somewhat of a regular, and I’m not sure if they know they’ve kind of been infiltrated, lol. The main thing is that I found a place where I could enjoy my feminine self and there was no judgement and no ridicule. After the first couple of visits, I wasn’t nervous. I was just hanging out in the bar, like millions of people do every day.

It was around that same time that I found CDH and I must say it’s been quite the experience. I don’t always agree with everything I see here, but I know the mission is to create a safe place for folks like us to exchange thoughts and stories. Here, we are just who we are, and we can laugh and cry together as a community. For that, I must thank every member of CDH. It’s been both educational and entertaining. It was, in part, due to the support from this site that I was able to tell my mom what I’ve been doing after she had a life-threatening moment. I didn’t want to lose her with this hanging in the air. She’s been surprisingly okay with it. I think not entirely comfortable, but willing to ride along and let me do what I do.

And now, as I sit here in my white snakeskin leggings and a tight black tank over my around-the-house foam breast forms, I can’t help but marvel at how much my life has changed. Despite everything that’s happened over the last year, it’s really only been about the last three or four weeks that I feel like I’m really comfortable as a crossdresser. I think I know where I stand now – I’m definitely straight, but a little bit gender-fluid, I think. I like the feel of being a woman, but I don’t consider myself a woman. I still have no plans or desire to fully transition, but maybe if life circumstances play out a certain way, I would be open to living a more fluid lifestyle where I get to live my life on both sides of the aisle. Quite a lot would have to change in my life to allow it, but I do think it’s something I would consider. I stopped wearing men’s underwear months ago, and I think I’ve pretty well stopped with the men’s undershirts as well. I’ve worn exclusively women’s jeans even in man mode for a long time now. So, I’ve definitely progressed more to the fem side than where I started. Where does that end up? Who knows?

En Femme Style

Just about a week ago, I tried something that I never thought I would even consider. I went to the Las Vegas Strip en femme – in a skirt, no less. It was both scary and thrilling – more scary, though. I spent the entire time worrying about who was paying attention to me and who wasn’t. I was worried I’d have to pepper spray someone at any moment. And that’s not even to speak of the fear of humiliation, to include being outed if I ran into a familiar face. So, I think it will be a while before I try that again. Maybe after I get better, thinner, and understand the small nuances of being a woman a little better. But it was a big step, I think.

So, it’s been almost a year. My, what a year it has been. What does the next year hold? I have no earthly idea. But I can say this: I believe the journey has only just begun.

Girls, I have just a few questions for you now and here they are!

  • Have you totally stopped wearing men’s underwear entirely now and how do you feel about that?
  • What percentage of your shopping time is now spent in the women’s or junior’s departments as apposed to shopping in the men’s department and how have those percentages changed over the last few years?
  • Why do you think there are so fewer African American men who seem to enjoy the thrill of cross dressing than caucasion men?

Thanks for reading my article and I look forward to your responses to the article or any of the three questions noted above!

Sincerely, Valerie

EnFemme

 

 

More Articles by Valerie Bird

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    Peggy Sue Williams
    Duchess
    Famed Member
    4 years ago

    Hi Valerie! A very well-written article. You expressed yourself very well and made many good points! I live in Atlanta, and we have a very large African-American population, so I have met many CD African-American girls. For a long time, we had a husband and wife who would attend our support group’s monthly meetings. They drove in from Montgomery, Alabama. They are raising two teenagers, so they have been attending fewer meetings, as they have to handle more teen-related issues. Another CD girl that is well-known is Candace. She looks like an African-American fashion model, when she cross dresses. She… Read more »

    Kim Austin
    Kim Austin
    4 years ago

    Hi Valerie, I love your story. I think you look fantastic. As somebody who is just beginning on my own journey, I draw inspiration from girls like you. I love the outfit in the picture. Awesome. I couldn’t risk wearing girls undies at work. If anyone saw, it would be a disaster. I don’t really buy men’s clothes anymore. For women’s clothes I shop both online and in real world stores. I like to browse. I don’t have a lot of money so I prefer to actually shop in person when possible. As to the question of why more African… Read more »

    JackieBoy
    Baroness
    Famed Member
    4 years ago

    I loved your article and have the same exact feelings about our odd little hobby. Your picture looks really good. Maybe an eyebrow trim is in order. I get mine done at Ulta once a month en femme or in drab. It makes a huge difference and my wife who doesn’t approve of my hobby doesn’t even notice when I get it done

    Kim Austin
    Kim Austin
    4 years ago
    Reply to  JackieBoy

    Jackie Boy,
    Do you have shares in Ulta, you naughty girl?
    XX
    Kim

    JackieBoy
    Baroness
    Famed Member
    4 years ago
    Reply to  Kim Austin

    I should as I go there at least once a week. I got a makeover Friday night before dinner and felt like a Million Dollars

    Gianna Bonita
    Member
    Gianna Bonita
    4 years ago

    Hello Valerie, thankyou for such an interesting article. I’m older than you but I too have only recently in the last year or so opened up to myself about who I really am and what I sincerely want for myself. So, in answer to your three questions, here goes: 1. Always ladies panties. It is a “new normal” and quite frankly, I don’t really think about it anymore. It just is the correct underwear for me. 2. I no longer shop for male clothes, except for very colourful, girly style shirts which is maybe once a year if something catches… Read more »

    Madelynn Fox
    Lady
    Active Member
    4 years ago

    Hey Valerie! Thank you for sharing your story. I think we all have fears about expressing who we really are. I know I am not as brave as you to go out in public, yet. In the end, we all have to be comfortable with who we are. That does not always translate into fitting into roles that others would want to assign us. We all have to wake up and face ourselves in the mirror each day, and I know that when we are accepting of who we truly are, it is a lot easier to do that. CDH… Read more »

    Paula Malmborg
    Lady
    Active Member
    4 years ago

    Hi Valerie, what a great article that you have written, I have been wearing womens under garments now full time for about five years, And about 80% of my shopping is femm

    Dawnie Saxton
    Ambassador
    Active Member
    4 years ago

    Great article, Valerie!!! It is very insightful, and informative. You are indeed on your journey, with many more experiences to go through, but just the progress you’ve made in the last year or so, tells me you will do splendidly!!

    Dawnie

    Toni Kay
    Lady
    Member
    4 years ago

    OK, well we’re all different. The underwear I wear has nothing to do with how I present. Most of the time I wear male briefs whether I am presenting male or female, but when in femme mode I wear shapewear over it. To me it makes no difference. The only time I wear female briefs is when I am behind on my wash, then I pretty much have to wear my female briefs, but that is only rarely. I don’t wear a bra in male mode . . . I have occasionally worn a silk slip under my male clothes,… Read more »

    Aoife
    Lady
    Active Member
    4 years ago

    Valerie, this is a particularly good article! I really liked the part about men’s clothing! We can look « good » as men but never really transform and always feel the same. I have seen even the most otherwise off-putting women transform into goddesses with the right dress while the best I can do with all my efforts as a man is get a little interest from someone who likes men a lot more than I do. Only a lot of that interest can outdo what a cute skirt can! As far as your questions… 1. I have not been able to… Read more »

    Daisy Marie
    Lady
    Active Member
    4 years ago

    Hey Valerie!
    Thank you for sharing the story about the process you’ve been going through.
    It’s really hard to deal with the all intense feelings towards crossdressing. Fear of being assaulted, fear of being rejected by family, friends, etc.
    Being honest, I can’t remember when was the last time I bought men clothing. Perhaps when I did my first purchase of feminine stuff lol.
    Nowadays I spend a lot of time paying attention to storefronts where women’s clothing or shoes are for sale (and as much time planning online purchases lol).
    xoxo

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