Just reading these two words conjures a rapid montage of all the times I nearly got caught crossdressing when I was still living in the secret comfort of the closet. My mind had created many narratives of being caught wearing just panties and bras, and very few had a happy ending. Thankfully, I never was.
I remember the closest I ever came and even now looking back, I know the outcome would have been the end of a relationship. A relationship that ended anyway. What I feared I would lose, was never permanent in the first place.
She had just left the house, and upstairs waiting for me to try on was a black lingerie set that I had bought and not yet worn. I laid the fabric out on the bed and admired the intricate design of the lacing. Felt the smooth texture of silk and nylon. Imagined how fantastic it would look. Just as I began to undress, I heard the door.
30 seconds! Adrenaline rushes. Stomach knots. Temperature rises 20 degrees in nanoseconds. And the breathing. Every single inhaled breath pierces your core. Act natural. Breathe. Time.
Clothes stashed under the bed cover.
Hand slightly trembles.
Check nothing left out in the open.
Short irregular breaths.
Quick glance around. Am I safe now?
Shaking…is it fear or is it relief?
Shout from downstairs…something about forgotten keys.
Did my voice falter?
Act normal……..door bangs shut.
It is over.
10 years on…..fear of what?
Had I been caught, it would have been a blessing in disguise. It would have meant no purges. No shame. No judgement. No lies. No adrenaline. No fear.
Embrace who we are. Love what we are. Be whatever you are. Be beautiful.
Life is too short.