Often times in the middle of a dressing session while experiencing the absolute joy of being my true self I can’t help but think of all the years I missed out on. Self acceptance was a long journey for me. There were a lot of years of guilt, shame and embarrassment before coming to the realization that this is who I am. Loving who and what you are may be a given for most people but for a lot of women like me it’s not. Learning to love who I am is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Once I accepted myself I came to view crossdressing not as a curse but as the true gift it is. I love being a crossdresser and wouldn’t change if I could.
I can remember my younger years admiring women, not just because I found them attractive but also because what they were wearing looked so cool, and it made me want to wear the same thing. Still today I see women everywhere and wish I could look like them, or I wonder how they did their hair or makeup or where they got those shoes or that dress and so on. During game seven of the World Series this year (the only baseball game I watched all year) it occurred to me that most boys probably want to be like their favorite baseball player or football player or musician, but for me it seems like I’ve always wanted to look like (and be like) the women I admired. Everyone has role models so why can’t mine be women? My primary role model is my wife of over 30 years. I just love her sense of style and how she does her hair and makeup. She has been such a sweetheart about my dressing and has helped me so much to become who I am today. Since coming out to her and giving her the time and space she needed to process it things have gotten so much better. Our shopping trips are my favorite. Whether we are looking for clothes or makeup or whatever it is so much fun to have that in common with someone I care so much about. Also she is unbelievably good at matching colors.
On to the title of the article. “What My 59 Year Old Self Would Tell My 29 Year Old Self” could have also been “What My Single Self Would Tell My Married Self” or any other “Pre Realization Self Would Tell My Post Realization Self”. The most important piece of advice I can give any young crossdresser is to make allowances and structure your life in such a way as to accommodate your dressing. The urge is not going to go away and will probably get so strong it will over power you. I suppose you could get counselling or take medicine to suppress the urge but that probably wouldn’t make for a very happy life. Every time I see a picture of some poor crossdresser in a hotel room with panties, a bra and pantyhose on (because that’s probably all they have) it makes me want to cry. It reminds me of myself in the early stages of becoming Suzanne. I now have my own wardrobe, my own makeup drawer, lots of bras, panties, night gowns, wigs, jewelry, etc… Being able to dress completely and feel completely like a woman is an experience like no other. Nowadays I don’t dress unless I can go all the way, hair, nails, makeup, etc… Just putting on a pair of panties and a bra doesn’t do it for me any more. The days and times I get to spend as Suzanne are euphoric and so memorable. In drab mode I don’t remember from day to day what I am wearing but I can look back at photos of myself in a dress and remember what kind of bra or pantyhose etc. I had on. As a guy I don’t pay much attention to this pair of jeans or that pair, or this shirt or that but as Suzanne there are articles of clothing I absolutely love. There are dresses in my closet that bring a smile to my face just looking at them. I have some Soma bras I love. A couple of pairs of shoes make me want to put them on every time I look at them.
The older I get I try to only learn a lesson once and then apply it to my life so I don’t have to learn the same thing again. This has me wondering if 10 years from now will I be writing “What My 69 Year Old Self Would Tell My 59 Year Old Self” or have I learned enough to enjoy my life as a crossdresser/woman to the fullest? Am I going to waste time learning the same lessons again? I want to take in as much as I can now so I don’t repeat my old mistakes and miss out on something else for the next 10 years. I don’t want to take crossdressing to the next level, I want to already be at the next level.