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This is Part 2 of a two-part story, written as a conversation between my male and female personas. It is based on my personal struggles with certain aspects of my crossdressing. For full appreciation, read Part 1 first.
My orientation is overwhelmingly male, so that is the “me” voice. The woman that I occasionally embody is the “her” voice.
Her: Last time we spoke, you were frustrated that we’ve had almost no time to ourselves this year.
Me: And also worried that our relationship has become much too focused on eroticism. Blanchard’s theory of autogynephilia might be controversial, but it fits me like a glove. And as far as our time together is concerned, I fear it’s become too addictive.
Her: Of course, it’s addictive sweetie. I’m here without the complications. The more I give to you, the more you want to give back.
Me: Like buying you more wigs, more shoes, lingerie, makeup, dresses, jewelry…it’s endless. A never-ending need to make you prettier, sexier, younger. Striving to transform you into a picture-perfect vision from dream to reality.
Her: Picture-perfect not only for your enjoyment, but for posting my photos online…lol.
Me: Fueling my compulsion, obsession, addiction…whatever you want to call it, I feel overwhelmed.
Her: Look, there are millions of people obsessed with sports or hobbies or whatever. Sure, some addictions are less conventional than others, but as long as nobody is being harmed, what’s the problem? How is crossdressing any different?
Me: Is crossdressing combined with autoeroticism really a healthy lifestyle? Couldn’t all the time and money involved better be spent focusing on my career, cultivating my spirituality, or connecting with others?
Her: Oh geez…here we go. I’ve seen you reading those blogs where other men describe how they’ve struggled to quit crossdressing, with varying success.
Me: It all just raises doubts in my mind…
Her: Doubt and shame…shame and doubt…yada, yada.
Me: You joke, but need I remind you that I lost a good friend to Covid and my mother to a stroke last year. Talk about a wake-up call that life is short and I need to use my time wisely.
Her: Do you ever consider that our time together is therapeutic? An occasional hour or so together that provides an escape from all the extra tension and anxiety of the past year. A welcome relief from the grinding sameness of working from home every day.
Me: Yes, I agree there are positive aspects. It’s an outlet for my high libido, especially since my wife has pretty much lost all interest in physical intimacy now that we’re both in our sixties.
Her: And what’s wrong with creating an exciting fantasy life with the irresistible woman of your dreams?
Me: It’s self-indulgent, time-consuming, and distracting.
Her: You really are just a bundle of doubt and shame. Do you know what I think your real problem is?
Me: Why yes, I do. Have you forgotten that we share the same brain?
Her: I think you’re afraid of me. Very afraid. When you decided to really let me out a couple of years ago, you were thrilled but also frightened by where I might take you. It says so right there in your CDH profile.
Me: And two years later, I feel like you’ve taken over. I’ve lost control and don’t have the strength to fight it. So yes, you’re right! I am afraid.
Her: Why can’t you just let go and accept me as part of yourself?
Me: I do accept you, but I never imagined it would go this far. We’re both Libras and Libras are all about balance and harmony. At the moment, the scale is tipped way too far in your favor.
Her: I get it. As helpless as you feel right now, there is a part of you that senses the dangers of an out-of-control obsession. Even as you’re writing this, your thinking about the 10 dresses stored away that you want me to model for you.
Me: I don’t see this internal struggle ending anytime soon. I don’t want to lose you; I also don’t want to be controlled by you. I need to set the scales back in balance.
Her: Easier said than done, darling. But you go right ahead and try.
Me: Please don’t patronize me. Because I am going to try to find a way to rein you in – I’ve got other things in my life that I need to focus on.
Her: I hope you find your balance, for both of our sakes, because I’m not ready to leave you.
Me: And truthfully, I don’t want you to leave. I/ we just need to find a our balance, that’s all.
Her: You know I’ll always be here for you, honey. Let’s see if we can work this out together.
Me: It’s all about working together to find the right balance…and I can’t think of anyone better to do it with.
Her: Sometimes, you know the right thing to say.
Me: I do my best.
Thank you girls so much for reading this sincere conversation I've had with myself on more than one occasion! If any of you girls would like to, please take the time to comment. And if you'd like, please take the time to submit an answer to one or more of my relevant questions I'm posing to you below:
- Do you feel guilty of the amount of time you spend dressed in some form of feminine clothing and wish you could find a way to do less of it?
- Do you often feel guilty about the amount of money, time, and effort you spend on the crossdressing side of your life?
- Have you found the balance in your life and accepted it? How did you do it?
@yestothedress Spot on lovely - I too am at an age where I am trying to shift the shame and ditch the guilt but by doing so - Jillian tends. to visit more these days. Not that I m greatful but I am starting to get used to her visits and taking them for granted. I have accepted that it is a gift and my sexuality bends to her whim - all of this is part of me (us) and it how I am wired up or what software version has been installed in me. I sometimes have days where she can visit but to prepare takes me hours as I am getting older and longer to look younger. I have recently thought - “well I can get another kind of excitement riding my motorcycle instead” But Jillian says no even though its a sunny day etc. Her argument is "carpe diem” as we do not have much quality time.
I am glad you posted this as I agree with it all and it exactly applies to how i feel - like it or not.
Jillian wants to play on the morrow as I have the day alone - but I might go and ride my bike and go to a record store and dig though some crates. I am finding that you can get too much of a good thing and want to miss Jillians visits again. So will try to curtail
Wish me luck xx
Jillian
Mona - this fantastic bit of writing must have been posted while I was away (aka “balancing”). You really nailed the “conversation”, as I found myself at once on both sides of that internal debate. Thank you for posting - answers below.
- Do you feel guilty of the amount of time you spend dressed in some form of feminine clothing and wish you could find a way to do less of it? Unfortunately, all Chrissy’s belongings are stored off site, and there are only a few times a year when the house is empty long enough to bring the ever increasing haul home for play. Only while packing it all away again do I get to thinking about how crazy the whole undertaking has been. And then I look at the pictures…
- Do you often feel guilty about the amount of money, time, and effort you spend on the crossdressing side of your life? I struggle with the secrecy, but I know sharing this side of me would not ever be worth the permanent damage it would cause to our relationship.
- Have you found the balance in your life and accepted it? How did you do it? Sometimes more than others - really have to force myself to climb out of the rabbit hole. Like you, I love my manly activities, and doing more of those helps - LOTS.
Mona, thanks for posting. I’ve been anxiously awaiting Part II. You have not disappointed. So much to relate to. Such as: accelerated crossdressing as we age, spouse with declining (absent) interest in intimacy, searching for/trying to define balance. I have no answers, Dear, but you must know you have a kindred spirit here.
Best,
Clara
Hi Clara - glad you enjoyed Part 2 I think we all struggle to understand why we do this, but what is striking to me is what seems like the high proportion of girls on this site who are middle-aged like us. In many cases (including mine), there is a history of CDing but it seems to be sporadic, then at this stage of life it comes on so strongly and cannot be denied. Certainly there are many things that could be contributing factors but who knows in the end. There are so many aspects of who we are and what we do that are ripe for serious academic study but CDers seem to remain a fringe group and the funding is just not there (this is what I've heard to be the case, don't know for sure). Anyway, thanks again and let's keep in touch. Feel free to private message me, although I'm not that good with keeping up here all the time because as my article states, I have other responsibilities in life (don't we all!). That said, my wife was out of town this past weekend and I spent 2 entire days dressing and doing photo shoots. So right out of the gate, I am not doing a good job of balancing this addictive activity with everything else I should be doing. I will keep trying. Love and hugs, M
Hi Clara - glad you enjoyed Part 2 I think we all struggle to understand why we do this, but what is striking to me is what seems like the high proportion of girls on this site who are middle-aged like us. In many cases (including mine), there is a history of CDing but it seems to be sporadic, then at this stage of life it comes on so strongly and cannot be denied. Certainly there are many things that could be contributing factors but who knows in the end. There are so many aspects of who we are and what we do that are ripe for serious academic study but CDers seem to remain a fringe group and the funding is just not there (this is what I've heard to be the case, don't know for sure). Anyway, thanks again and let's keep in touch. Feel free to private message me, although I'm not that good with keeping up here all the time because as my article states, I have other responsibilities in life (don't we all!). That said, my wife was out of town this past weekend and I spent 2 entire days dressing and doing photo shoots. So right out of the gate, I am not doing a good job of balancing this addictive activity with everything else I should be doing. I will keep trying. Love and hugs, M
Mona, thanks for posting. I’ve been anxiously awaiting Part II. You have not disappointed. So much to relate to. Such as: accelerated crossdressing as we age, spouse with declining (absent) interest in intimacy, searching for/trying to define balance. I have no answers, Dear, but you must know you have a kindred spirit here.
Best,
Clara
Well - you certainly have captured my situation, almost to a "t". I long ago learned to rationalize my relationship with "Kathy. I have shed the guilt and shame and have left it all behind. This with the help of my bride and our couples counseling. Kathy is a part of me - she will always be present and often in my thoughts even when I am "Bob". I underdress nearly 24/7. Panties sports bra (straps do not show under a shirt) except whenI visit the doctor's office, but nearly always when I am going out and about in town, shopping or running errands, or even when playing golf with the boys (sans the bra - ya never know when a knucklehead will slap you on the back for a good shot).
I enjoyed reading your posts. Please keep them coming.
Hugs, Kathy
Thank you Kathy and so glad to hear that you enjoyed the article and that it resonates with you. It's therapeutic to know I'm not the only one struggling with these types of things. I love everything about dressing so much that it gets compulsive sometimes and there is a part of me that knows that addictions of any kind are usually not healthy in the long the run. Like you, I've got to learn to accept this part of me without guilt or shame but also strike a balance with my female side. I still very much love my male side. Hugs, Mona
Thank you Kathy and so glad to hear that you enjoyed the article and that it resonates with you. It's therapeutic to know I'm not the only one struggling with these types of things. I love everything about dressing so much that it gets compulsive sometimes and there is a part of me that knows that addictions of any kind are usually not healthy in the long the run. Like you, I've got to learn to accept this part of me without guilt or shame but also strike a balance with my female side. I still very much love my male side. Hugs, Mona
Well - you certainly have captured my situation, almost to a "t". I long ago learned to rationalize my relationship with "Kathy. I have shed the guilt and shame and have left it all behind. This with the help of my bride and our couples counseling. Kathy is a part of me - she will always be present and often in my thoughts even when I am "Bob". I underdress nearly 24/7. Panties sports bra (straps do not show under a shirt) except whenI visit the doctor's office, but nearly always when I am going out and about in town, shopping or running errands, or even when playing golf with the boys (sans the bra - ya never know when a knucklehead will slap you on the back for a good shot).
I enjoyed reading your posts. Please keep them coming.
Hugs, Kathy
Mona, thanks for the article. I nearly wrote an article here on how I felt as if I were being ripped apart. When I get fully dressed in fem sometimes the thought of being held by a man would be a dream come true. But as a hetro male that is disgusting to me and scares me a little. Or would it truely be the situation to become fully female in every way so I could FULLY feel what a GG would feel. I have been putting myself together in my head so that now my male side is a lot more sensitive and caring. Also have spent a lot of time the past moth watching movies that make me cry.
Sandy
Thank you Sandy. I think many of us CDers are blessed/cursed with a complicated sexuality to say the least. In trying to understand it for myself, I've done a ton of reading. This is where I've run across so many different terms, concepts, theories, etc. that I tried to incorporate in these two articles (e.g., autogynephilia, transvestic fetishism, autoeroticism, etc.), These are in addition to the more familiar terms /labels like bisexual, homosexual, transexual, transgender, etc.). It all gets very complicated very quickly.
I think your homoerotic (if I may use that term) fantasies when dressed are not unusual. For many, I think such fantasies are based not so much on attraction to another man, but on the idea of themselves as women who are so attractive/convincing/desirable as to be wanted by a man. The man becomes another "prop" in the elaboration of their fantasy of being a woman and when taken to its logical extreme, being a woman FULLY.
Well, that is enough armchair psychology from me for the day, As I stated in my articles, I am someone who reads too much and thinks too much. In trying to understand myself, I have taken a deep dive into the psychology of CDing and find it fascinating.
XOXO Mona
Thank you Sandy. I think many of us CDers are blessed/cursed with a complicated sexuality to say the least. In trying to understand it for myself, I've done a ton of reading. This is where I've run across so many different terms, concepts, theories, etc. that I tried to incorporate in these two articles (e.g., autogynephilia, transvestic fetishism, autoeroticism, etc.), These are in addition to the more familiar terms /labels like bisexual, homosexual, transexual, transgender, etc.). It all gets very complicated very quickly.
I think your homoerotic (if I may use that term) fantasies when dressed are not unusual. For many, I think such fantasies are based not so much on attraction to another man, but on the idea of themselves as women who are so attractive/convincing/desirable as to be wanted by a man. The man becomes another "prop" in the elaboration of their fantasy of being a woman and when taken to its logical extreme, being a woman FULLY.
Well, that is enough armchair psychology from me for the day, As I stated in my articles, I am someone who reads too much and thinks too much. In trying to understand myself, I have taken a deep dive into the psychology of CDing and find it fascinating.
XOXO Mona
Mona, thanks for the article. I nearly wrote an article here on how I felt as if I were being ripped apart. When I get fully dressed in fem sometimes the thought of being held by a man would be a dream come true. But as a hetro male that is disgusting to me and scares me a little. Or would it truely be the situation to become fully female in every way so I could FULLY feel what a GG would feel. I have been putting myself together in my head so that now my male side is a lot more sensitive and caring. Also have spent a lot of time the past moth watching movies that make me cry.
Sandy
Mona, I too was eagerly awaiting Part II - thank you so much. It's eerie but reassuring to see how similar the experience is for so many here. With my 60th coming up this year I too struggle with going back and forth from - go for it while you still can to why bother haven't you indulged/wasted enough of your time. Ditto the autoerotism to replace declining intimacy. To answer your questions:
Do you feel guilty of the amount of time you spend dressed in some form of feminine clothing and wish you could find a way to do less of it? Yes, guilty that I'm doing it in the closet - and I wish I could find a way to control the urge, often when I'm up before the rest of the house I dress up and one thing leads to another, even though there are so many other "productive" things I could be doing.
Do you often feel guilty about the amount of money, time, and effort you spend on the crossdressing side of your life?
Money - not so much, regret it in aggregate from years of purge cycles; but I'm restraining myself - I really want to do a professional make over and purchase some wigs but can't justify it unless I come out to my wife fully. I'm trying to convert the urge to dress into motivation to lose weight - its actually helping so I guess that's part of finding the balance.
Have you found the balance in your life and accepted it? How did you do it?
Sadly No. Even as I write this I'm thinking about the other things I could or should be doing. I'm scared of going further (buying wigs, breastforms, fully shaving) because then when I look in the mirror I fear Crissy will have even more control! But being on CDH is helpful, your articles have been especially thought provoking as I've had the same dialog in my head for years. Its kind of like crowd sourced therapy!
Thanks again,
Crissy
Mona, I too was eagerly awaiting Part II - thank you so much. It's eerie but reassuring to see how similar the experience is for so many here. With my 60th coming up this year I too struggle with going back and forth from - go for it while you still can to why bother haven't you indulged/wasted enough of your time. Ditto the autoerotism to replace declining intimacy. To answer your questions:
Do you feel guilty of the amount of time you spend dressed in some form of feminine clothing and wish you could find a way to do less of it? Yes, guilty that I'm doing it in the closet - and I wish I could find a way to control the urge, often when I'm up before the rest of the house I dress up and one thing leads to another, even though there are so many other "productive" things I could be doing.
Do you often feel guilty about the amount of money, time, and effort you spend on the crossdressing side of your life?
Money - not so much, regret it in aggregate from years of purge cycles; but I'm restraining myself - I really want to do a professional make over and purchase some wigs but can't justify it unless I come out to my wife fully. I'm trying to convert the urge to dress into motivation to lose weight - its actually helping so I guess that's part of finding the balance.
Have you found the balance in your life and accepted it? How did you do it?
Sadly No. Even as I write this I'm thinking about the other things I could or should be doing. I'm scared of going further (buying wigs, breastforms, fully shaving) because then when I look in the mirror I fear Crissy will have even more control! But being on CDH is helpful, your articles have been especially thought provoking as I've had the same dialog in my head for years. Its kind of like crowd sourced therapy!
Thanks again,
Crissy
Well, one thing is I find I don't have nearly as much time to dress as I'd like to, so there is no struggle to dress less!
Certainly when I got the urge to dress more and more (like so many, I started very young) a few years ago it was very scary, as I felt like I was being pulled down a rabbit hole of some kind. I have come to a great deal of acceptance with my feminine side, whom you know as Amy. I was just able to give in and accept myself for what I am, whatever that is! I still don't really know, however I do love being feminine.
I feel so complete when I'm dressed up, like a part of me has always been missing, and now it has finally been found.
Though I don't believe I will find the need to transition, but I would like to have the courage to come out to most people in my life and live a lot more as Amy.
Either way, in a strange way I am at a level of peace as she is a part of me, and is with me all the time whether or not I'm looking male or female.
I do spend too much money on clothes for myself, I have a lot more than my wife! Even just counting the guy stuff I have more, then adding in Amy's. But then I see some lovely things, be it sweaters, dresses, lingerie, and I'm off buying more things.
Currently I'm very frustrated as I'm not able to go out much, and my dressing time at home has been cut back a lot, as I have other family living here now. That is helping to curtail my shopping as I hate to see my lovely clothes just sitting in my dresser or hanging in the closet.
Well, one thing is I find I don't have nearly as much time to dress as I'd like to, so there is no struggle to dress less!
Certainly when I got the urge to dress more and more (like so many, I started very young) a few years ago it was very scary, as I felt like I was being pulled down a rabbit hole of some kind. I have come to a great deal of acceptance with my feminine side, whom you know as Amy. I was just able to give in and accept myself for what I am, whatever that is! I still don't really know, however I do love being feminine.
I feel so complete when I'm dressed up, like a part of me has always been missing, and now it has finally been found.
Though I don't believe I will find the need to transition, but I would like to have the courage to come out to most people in my life and live a lot more as Amy.
Either way, in a strange way I am at a level of peace as she is a part of me, and is with me all the time whether or not I'm looking male or female.
I do spend too much money on clothes for myself, I have a lot more than my wife! Even just counting the guy stuff I have more, then adding in Amy's. But then I see some lovely things, be it sweaters, dresses, lingerie, and I'm off buying more things.
Currently I'm very frustrated as I'm not able to go out much, and my dressing time at home has been cut back a lot, as I have other family living here now. That is helping to curtail my shopping as I hate to see my lovely clothes just sitting in my dresser or hanging in the closet.
Hi Mona, thanks for sharing your intimate thoughts so honestly. I think the key is the statement that you are "overwhelmingly male", so I guess our reaction to your story will vary according to where we place ourselves on the male to female spectrum. I am on my own now (in my 70s) and only came to CDing very late, though I recognise now thatit had merely been hidden and undiscovered in my subconscious all along. I am able to dress pretty much all the time, but "revert" when visiting my grandchildren, and close family, though I know all of them know about my cross-dressing. I'm not sure if they realise quite how important it is to me, though. So I have no guilt or shame as such, but am aware of it not being totally accepted by society and of it being viewed as unconventional (and even by many as unacceptable). Unlike you, I feel "overwhelmingly female", so my conversations with Robyn, insofar as they exist, have a completely different slant. Robyn is the dominant Me, and spends her time doing her utmost to persuade Robin (the male part) to get totally out of that closet. I feel that She will ultimately prevail,even though we are both, like you, very Libra!
Hi Mona, thanks for sharing your intimate thoughts so honestly. I think the key is the statement that you are "overwhelmingly male", so I guess our reaction to your story will vary according to where we place ourselves on the male to female spectrum. I am on my own now (in my 70s) and only came to CDing very late, though I recognise now thatit had merely been hidden and undiscovered in my subconscious all along. I am able to dress pretty much all the time, but "revert" when visiting my grandchildren, and close family, though I know all of them know about my cross-dressing. I'm not sure if they realise quite how important it is to me, though. So I have no guilt or shame as such, but am aware of it not being totally accepted by society and of it being viewed as unconventional (and even by many as unacceptable). Unlike you, I feel "overwhelmingly female", so my conversations with Robyn, insofar as they exist, have a completely different slant. Robyn is the dominant Me, and spends her time doing her utmost to persuade Robin (the male part) to get totally out of that closet. I feel that She will ultimately prevail,even though we are both, like you, very Libra!
I've only been in the CD "scene"(?) a few months but am all ready struggling w wanting to be "Liz" more. I discussed this my GF & we agreed on 2-3 days a week which from reading about others, is a goldmine☺
It's now everyday I'm waiting to get home from work on my allotted "Liz" day , picking out my outfit then putting my makeup on, hoping it goes on good.
The struggle is REAL...
I've only been in the CD "scene"(?) a few months but am all ready struggling w wanting to be "Liz" more. I discussed this my GF & we agreed on 2-3 days a week which from reading about others, is a goldmine☺
It's now everyday I'm waiting to get home from work on my allotted "Liz" day , picking out my outfit then putting my makeup on, hoping it goes on good.
The struggle is REAL...
