This is Part 2 of a two-part story, written as a conversation between my male and female personas. It is based on my personal struggles with certain aspects of my crossdressing. For full appreciation, read Part 1 first.
My orientation is overwhelmingly male, so that is the “me” voice. The woman that I occasionally embody is the “her” voice.
Her: Last time we spoke, you were frustrated that we’ve had almost no time to ourselves this year.
Me: And also worried that our relationship has become much too focused on eroticism. Blanchard’s theory of autogynephilia might be controversial, but it fits me like a glove. And as far as our time together is concerned, I fear it’s become too addictive.
Her: Of course, it’s addictive sweetie. I’m here without the complications. The more I give to you, the more you want to give back.
Me: Like buying you more wigs, more shoes, lingerie, makeup, dresses, jewelry…it’s endless. A never-ending need to make you prettier, sexier, younger. Striving to transform you into a picture-perfect vision from dream to reality.
Her: Picture-perfect not only for your enjoyment, but for posting my photos online…lol.
Me: Fueling my compulsion, obsession, addiction…whatever you want to call it, I feel overwhelmed.
Her: Look, there are millions of people obsessed with sports or hobbies or whatever. Sure, some addictions are less conventional than others, but as long as nobody is being harmed, what’s the problem? How is crossdressing any different?
Me: Is crossdressing combined with autoeroticism really a healthy lifestyle? Couldn’t all the time and money involved better be spent focusing on my career, cultivating my spirituality, or connecting with others?
Her: Oh geez…here we go. I’ve seen you reading those blogs where other men describe how they’ve struggled to quit crossdressing, with varying success.
Me: It all just raises doubts in my mind…
Her: Doubt and shame…shame and doubt…yada, yada.
Me: You joke, but need I remind you that I lost a good friend to Covid and my mother to a stroke last year. Talk about a wake-up call that life is short and I need to use my time wisely.
Her: Do you ever consider that our time together is therapeutic? An occasional hour or so together that provides an escape from all the extra tension and anxiety of the past year. A welcome relief from the grinding sameness of working from home every day.
Me: Yes, I agree there are positive aspects. It’s an outlet for my high libido, especially since my wife has pretty much lost all interest in physical intimacy now that we’re both in our sixties.
Her: And what’s wrong with creating an exciting fantasy life with the irresistible woman of your dreams?
Me: It’s self-indulgent, time-consuming, and distracting.
Her: You really are just a bundle of doubt and shame. Do you know what I think your real problem is?
Me: Why yes, I do. Have you forgotten that we share the same brain?
Her: I think you’re afraid of me. Very afraid. When you decided to really let me out a couple of years ago, you were thrilled but also frightened by where I might take you. It says so right there in your CDH profile.
Me: And two years later, I feel like you’ve taken over. I’ve lost control and don’t have the strength to fight it. So yes, you’re right! I am afraid.
Her: Why can’t you just let go and accept me as part of yourself?
Me: I do accept you, but I never imagined it would go this far. We’re both Libras and Libras are all about balance and harmony. At the moment, the scale is tipped way too far in your favor.
Her: I get it. As helpless as you feel right now, there is a part of you that senses the dangers of an out-of-control obsession. Even as you’re writing this, your thinking about the 10 dresses stored away that you want me to model for you.
Me: I don’t see this internal struggle ending anytime soon. I don’t want to lose you; I also don’t want to be controlled by you. I need to set the scales back in balance.
Her: Easier said than done, darling. But you go right ahead and try.
Me: Please don’t patronize me. Because I am going to try to find a way to rein you in – I’ve got other things in my life that I need to focus on.
Her: I hope you find your balance, for both of our sakes, because I’m not ready to leave you.
Me: And truthfully, I don’t want you to leave. I/ we just need to find a our balance, that’s all.
Her: You know I’ll always be here for you, honey. Let’s see if we can work this out together.
Me: It’s all about working together to find the right balance…and I can’t think of anyone better to do it with.
Her: Sometimes, you know the right thing to say.
Me: I do my best.
Thank you girls so much for reading this sincere conversation I’ve had with myself on more than one occasion! If any of you girls would like to, please take the time to comment. And if you’d like, please take the time to submit an answer to one or more of my relevant questions I’m posing to you below:
- Do you feel guilty of the amount of time you spend dressed in some form of feminine clothing and wish you could find a way to do less of it?
- Do you often feel guilty about the amount of money, time, and effort you spend on the crossdressing side of your life?
- Have you found the balance in your life and accepted it? How did you do it?
More Articles by Mona
- Proud to be a Goodwill Girl
- My Season of Doubt and Shame: Part 1
- Media Review: Casa Susanna
- A Hilarious Look at the Challenges Most Crossdressers Will Face
- Mona Says Yes to the Dress
Latest posts by Mona (see all)
- Proud to be a Goodwill Girl - October 24, 2021
- My Season of Doubt and Shame Part 2 - January 24, 2021
- My Season of Doubt and Shame: Part 1 - November 21, 2020
- Media Review: Casa Susanna - November 8, 2019
- A Hilarious Look at the Challenges Most Crossdressers Will Face - April 12, 2019
.jpg)
.jpg)
I think we have all had that conversation in one form or another. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for posting this specific aspect of crossdressing . I identify as a crossdresser and an autogyneplile . I’ve purged so many times trying to get rid of the behavior ( philias) and everything that I did that most of society and even myself would consider abnormal ( disgusting ).But it always came back and now is such a strong impulse ( even for an old man) .It’s like an addiction . Do you consider yourself as a him but also as a her at least in your own head ? I seem to have conversations with my two… Read more »
Hi Louise – thanks for the reply. I believe autogynephilia is a very real thing, but it does not apply to all CDs. It is controversial because the premise is that CDing a fetish as opposed to a true expression of identity. To each his (her) own I guess. As long as you are not hurting anyone with this behavior, it is best not to obsess over it too much. Easier said than done, as expressed in my article. Complex behavior and complex subject. This is why it is challenging to explain to others, as we don’t understand it ourselves.… Read more »
Thanks Mona, I think the AGP business is mostly a theory ! But it is considered a paraphilia . So I think hurting yourself or others may be part of it , and that all of the crossdressers with AGP need be careful of it ( as in the paraphilia becoming a Paraphilic disorder ). AGP seems to have a sexualistic and a romantic ( envy, desire) component to it as far as I understand it . I think it may be the reason I crossdress , but agree in that it doesn’t apply to everyone who crossdresses. Would you… Read more »
Mona, Thank you so much for this thought provoking article. You answered your own question. If it’s not hurting anybody, then there’s nothing wrong with it. As for the erotic aspect of it, if you get turned on by being Mona, I say have fun Hon.