This is Part 2 of a two-part story, written as a conversation between my male and female personas.  It is based on my personal struggles with certain aspects of my crossdressing.  For full appreciation, read Part 1 first.

My orientation is overwhelmingly male, so that is the “me” voice.  The woman that I occasionally embody is the “her” voice.

Her: Last time we spoke, you were frustrated that we’ve had almost no time to ourselves this year.

Me: And also worried that our relationship has become much too focused on eroticism. Blanchard’s theory of autogynephilia might be controversial, but it fits me like a glove.  And as far as our time together is concerned, I fear it’s become too addictive.

Her: Of course, it’s addictive sweetie.  I’m here without the complications. The more I give to you, the more you want to give back.

Me: Like buying you more wigs, more shoes, lingerie, makeup, dresses, jewelry…it’s endless.  A never-ending need to make you prettier, sexier, younger. Striving to transform you into a picture-perfect vision from dream to reality.

Her: Picture-perfect not only for your enjoyment, but for posting my photos online…lol.

Me: Fueling my compulsion, obsession, addiction…whatever you want to call it, I feel overwhelmed.

Her: Look, there are millions of people obsessed with sports or hobbies or whatever.  Sure, some addictions are less conventional than others, but as long as nobody is being harmed, what’s the problem?   How is crossdressing any different?

Me: Is crossdressing combined with autoeroticism really a healthy lifestyle?  Couldn’t all the time and money involved better be spent focusing on my career, cultivating my spirituality, or connecting with others?

Her: Oh geez…here we go.  I’ve seen you reading those blogs where other men describe how they’ve struggled to quit crossdressing, with varying success.

Me: It all just raises doubts in my mind…

Her: Doubt and shame…shame and doubt…yada, yada.

Me: You joke, but need I remind you that I lost a good friend to Covid and my mother to a stroke last year. Talk about a wake-up call that life is short and I need to use my time wisely.

Her: Do you ever consider that our time together is therapeutic? An occasional hour or so together that provides an escape from all the extra tension and anxiety of the past year.  A welcome relief from the grinding sameness of working from home every day.

Me: Yes, I agree there are positive aspects. It’s an outlet for my high libido, especially since my wife has pretty much lost all interest in physical intimacy now that we’re both in our sixties.

Her: And what’s wrong with creating an exciting fantasy life with the irresistible woman of your dreams?

Me: It’s self-indulgent, time-consuming, and distracting.

Her: You really are just a bundle of doubt and shame. Do you know what I think your real problem is?

Me: Why yes, I do.  Have you forgotten that we share the same brain?

Her: I think you’re afraid of me. Very afraid. When you decided to really let me out a couple of years ago, you were thrilled but also frightened by where I might take you. It says so right there in your CDH profile.

Me: And two years later, I feel like you’ve taken over. I’ve lost control and don’t have the strength to fight it. So yes, you’re right! I am afraid.

Her: Why can’t you just let go and accept me as part of yourself?

Me: I do accept you, but I never imagined it would go this far. We’re both Libras and Libras are all about balance and harmony. At the moment, the scale is tipped way too far in your favor.

Her: I get it. As helpless as you feel right now, there is a part of you that senses the dangers of an out-of-control obsession. Even as you’re writing this, your thinking about the 10 dresses stored away that you want me to model for you.

Me: I don’t see this internal struggle ending anytime soon. I don’t want to lose you; I also don’t want to be controlled by you. I need to set the scales back in balance.

Her: Easier said than done, darling. But you go right ahead and try.

Me: Please don’t patronize me.  Because I am going to try to find a way to rein you in – I’ve got other things in my life that I need to focus on.

Her: I hope you find your balance, for both of our sakes, because I’m not ready to leave you.

Me: And truthfully, I don’t want you to leave.  I/ we just need to find a our balance, that’s all.

Her: You know I’ll always be here for you, honey.  Let’s see if we can work this out together.

Me: It’s all about working together to find the right balance…and I can’t think of anyone better to do it with.

Her: Sometimes, you know the right thing to say.

Me: I do my best.


Thank you girls so much for reading this sincere conversation I’ve had with myself on more than one occasion! If any of you girls would like to, please take the time to comment. And if you’d like, please take the time to submit an answer to one or more of my relevant questions I’m posing to you below:

  • Do you feel guilty of the amount of time you  spend  dressed in some form of feminine clothing and wish you could find a way to do less of it?
  • Do you often feel guilty about the amount of money, time, and effort you spend on the crossdressing side of your life?
  • Have you found the balance in your life and accepted it? How did you do it?

 

 

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On-and-off CDing since early teens. Long stretches without any urges but here in my advanced middle age Mona has emerged in force. She's a high-spirited gal who shall no longer be denied. It's both thrilling and I must admit a bit frightening because I don't know where she's planning to take me. Although I only get to dress every now and then, I'm having great fun and just enjoying the ride. I'm happy to have found this welcoming and supportive community and hope to get more involved as time allows.
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Clara Cross
Member
1 month ago

Mona, thanks for posting. I’ve been anxiously awaiting Part II. You have not disappointed. So much to relate to. Such as: accelerated crossdressing as we age, spouse with declining (absent) interest in intimacy, searching for/trying to define balance. I have no answers, Dear, but you must know you have a kindred spirit here.
Best,
Clara

Kathy Jackson
Active Member
1 month ago

Well – you certainly have captured my situation, almost to a “t”. I long ago learned to rationalize my relationship with “Kathy. I have shed the guilt and shame and have left it all behind. This with the help of my bride and our couples counseling. Kathy is a part of me – she will always be present and often in my thoughts even when I am “Bob”. I underdress nearly 24/7. Panties sports bra (straps do not show under a shirt) except whenI visit the doctor’s office, but nearly always when I am going out and about in town,… Read more »

Sandy Jayson
Duchess
Active Member
1 month ago

Mona, thanks for the article. I nearly wrote an article here on how I felt as if I were being ripped apart. When I get fully dressed in fem sometimes the thought of being held by a man would be a dream come true. But as a hetro male that is disgusting to me and scares me a little. Or would it truely be the situation to become fully female in every way so I could FULLY feel what a GG would feel. I have been putting myself together in my head so that now my male side is a… Read more »

Crissy Ross
Baroness
Active Member
1 month ago

Mona, I too was eagerly awaiting Part II – thank you so much. It’s eerie but reassuring to see how similar the experience is for so many here. With my 60th coming up this year I too struggle with going back and forth from – go for it while you still can to why bother haven’t you indulged/wasted enough of your time. Ditto the autoerotism to replace declining intimacy. To answer your questions: Do you feel guilty of the amount of time you spend dressed in some form of feminine clothing and wish you could find a way to do less of… Read more »

Amy Myers
Baroness
Trusted Member
1 month ago

Well, one thing is I find I don’t have nearly as much time to dress as I’d like to, so there is no struggle to dress less! Certainly when I got the urge to dress more and more (like so many, I started very young) a few years ago it was very scary, as I felt like I was being pulled down a rabbit hole of some kind. I have come to a great deal of acceptance with my feminine side, whom you know as Amy. I was just able to give in and accept myself for what I am,… Read more »

Robyn
Member
1 month ago

Hi Mona, thanks for sharing your intimate thoughts so honestly. I think the key is the statement that you are “overwhelmingly male”, so I guess our reaction to your story will vary according to where we place ourselves on the male to female spectrum. I am on my own now (in my 70s) and only came to CDing very late, though I recognise now thatit had merely been hidden and undiscovered in my subconscious all along. I am able to dress pretty much all the time, but “revert” when visiting my grandchildren, and close family, though I know all of… Read more »

Liz
1 month ago

I’ve only been in the CD “scene”(?) a few months but am all ready struggling w wanting to be “Liz” more. I discussed this my GF & we agreed on 2-3 days a week which from reading about others, is a goldmine☺
It’s now everyday I’m waiting to get home from work on my allotted “Liz” day , picking out my outfit then putting my makeup on, hoping it goes on good.
The struggle is REAL…

Jenny Lawson
1 month ago

I needed your post today. Been agonizing about my 2 selves. I so often need Jenny, but feel at times that she has completely consumed my life. Unlike many of those brave enough to post, I identify more as a man, but desperately need Jenny to complete myself. Perhaps, that is the underlying reason I feel shame for what should be a joyous part of my life. Your blog was helpful–a salve for my soul. Thank you.

Jenny Love
1 month ago

Wow very well done..besides a few minor details this is so true for me too!! Thznkyou!! Xoxo

Alexis "Lexi" Moon
Editor
Active Member
1 month ago

I love this series, girl! I am so right there with you on all of these conversations in my head – and I thought maybe I was the only one! So many girls just seems so comfortable and out there without any doubts or shame. But likely, they’re just hiding it from us! Can’t wait for the next part…

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