For the most part of my life, I have lived with a feeling inside. I was not able to identify it at first, but I just somehow felt smaller then…
I am not a particularly tall person, so, I am generally shorter than most folks I stand next to, but this was different. I often felt like I had to justify my presence or somehow ask permission to be someplace.
I tried so hard to be accepted and welcomed by others, to simply “fit in”.
I just felt like an imposter; like once they got to know the “real” me, they would run out the door like they were on fire.
I carried a feeling of always needing to prove that it was “okay” for me to be in that crowd or group. I had been a professional approval seeker and I didn’t even know it!
I had been working in the Certified Life Coach role for over a decade with Char, only being “spoken” of in a few of the groups and workshops; never seen. I would casually mention that I had considered a sex change and that I still have clothes in my closet. I didn’t say that I was dressing up the moment I was out of the classroom, however, I left that part out.
I felt inauthentic and phony. I knew I was pretending and that left me feeling like I had to ask permission to be there in every situation I was living through.
Then one day, I had a mind bender experience; I changed my mind and made a new decision. I don’t recall now the pieces of the scene but what was predominant in my mind was the new decision that was made in the flash of a second.
I decided that I have the right to be wherever I choose to be, so long as I am not violating the basic human rights of others.
Somehow, I came to understand in that moment that I am, and we all are, equally important and special. We are all drops of water that together make up the great big sea.
Not one of us needs to seek approval or ask permission to “Be” authentic and true to our-self.
Instead of feeling like I was less than, I decided to feel myself “equal to”, everyone I met, no matter where or whom I was with. This one simple Life Skill of “choosing to feel equal” has given me the courage to stop asking permission to be there, and instead, to give notice of “Here I Am!”
The transformation has not been instant no question, but the decision was.
The transformation has taken some time; from being a person who was afraid to open the curtains, to someone who walks through the shopping mall in full make up, a cute top, skinny jeans and ankle jewelry with poise and confidence the majority of the time.
Every now and then, a flash of fear will show up in my mind body and as quickly as I notice it and become aware that it is there, I hit the Reset button and remind myself that:
“I Am Equal to everyone around me; not inferior, not superior, but I Am Equal. I do not need to ask permission for my presence, I can simply Be here being visible, being kind and most of all, being respectfully free.”
These are all qualities I am proud to model for others on our planet and in modeling these qualities, I am teaching others how I choose to be treated.
Thank you for reading Your Weekly Reset and for being exactly who you are! I am grateful for you!
Namaste’
Char
