As I sit here (in my LBD, wig, light make-up, and my favorite heels) on the cusp of my 68th birthday, I’ve come to the place, as I explained to my grandkids, known as the fork in the road. Which road do I take? I’m in relatively good heath, have been married for 35 years to a good woman, have two adult children, and have three loving granddaughters. Our son and daughter-in-law (with the granddaughters) live a few miles from our very small town. It’s a farming community, and it feels as if everyone knows us. We have lived and worked here for 11 years.
My crossdressing began like most of the folks I’ve read about on CDH. (I’ve read almost everything there is to read on this site). Got into my mom’s drawers at a very young age. I did love the feeling of nylons, bras, panties, and dresses. I played sports, had girlfriends, and did the usual stuff guys did in the ’70s. I turned 21; bars and taverns were the places for me. I still played sports, but always to have a beer. I developed a love affair with alcohol and drugs.
I got married at 25 and started to raid my wife’s drawers, underdressing (mostly when drunk). It ended quickly because of it. The second time, my drinking and drugging escalated as did my fondness for my wife’s underclothes. Luckily, my wife gave me a choice, alcohol and drug treatment or she would leave. I choose treatment. That’s where I learned that I am an alcoholic. She still ended up leaving me, but I am forever grateful as she helped me understand my alcoholism. It took a few years, but sobriety finally stuck. Sober now for 16 years.
I married a wonderful lady 35 years ago with two small kids. In 2018, I took a job that required traveling out of town a few nights a week. Wham! My desire to underdress came back 10 times stronger than before. Next thing I knew I was underdressing, driving dressed, and packing an extra suitcase for my hotel stays. I only ventured out underdressed. I really didn’t know anything about crossdressing. You know, just thought I had a fetish and felt guilty, but enjoyed the feeling of the clothes on my skin. It’s not so much of a sexual release, but more of a feeling of liking to wear the clothes. This continued until retirement a few years ago. My wife still works seasonally. In the winter, I started dressing during the days she was gone, and thankfully I found CDH then. I’ve learned so much here that I can’t thank you all enough.
The fork in the road. This past year, I started collecting clothes and undergarments. I started by wearing my wife’s panties. I just put them in the laundry as usual. One day she exclaimed, “I don’t remember wearing these.” I confessed to her that I sometimes wear them. She wasn’t amused. A few weeks went by and while we were at Walmart she picked up a pair of panties and I asked if I could get some for myself? She said ok if it’s what I want to do. I bought some like hers, and then asked about a bra? “If that’s what you want.”
We purchased matching silk nighties. I thought, “Great she’s ok with this.” We wore out matching nighties a few times, and I continued to dress during the days she worked, always changing before she got home. One day she came home early. I raced into the room to get out of my outfit but couldn’t. I just left it on. She had seen me dressed a few times before, so it wasn’t a total shocker, but her attitude towards Billie began to change.
I tried to tone it down, take it slow. I’ve ordered wigs, make-up, lipstick, stockings, bras, and more clothes. I haven’t hidden anything except the wigs and makeup. My lipstick is neutral. When I do my nails (not often enough) I use clear and recently I shaved my legs. My desire to dress has increased. I want to go all-in with breast forms and body shapers. I have a strong desire to go out in public. I am worried that if I order forms, etc. I should get a PO Box as this might put a strain or even be the end of our marriage. But I hate secrets. I have been out once fully dressed at night and it was so exciting!
My wife has been colder than usual to me. She is not overly affectionate, to begin with, and I don’t have much of a sex drive anymore, but her cold shoulder is becoming a sore spot in our relationship. I suspect she might have found my wig stash or is upset about the clothes I’ve bought lately. When I ask, she says nothing is wrong.
I’ve decided to take a trip by myself in our travel trailer. I have been collecting clothes, a new wig, and accessories. I am working up the courage to go out during the day and evening. I want to look my best, so I am working on makeup, etc. I am excited about this trip but very worried about what the end result will be. Is this going to be my “fork in the road” time? How will I feel after spending those few days en femme? Will I want to dress more freely when I get home? And most importantly, what about my wife?
I think the thought of my dressing makes her physically ill. I suspect she knows this trip is for me to get out and that worries her. Should I tell her my plans? I realize if I want to pursue this further, I must have the talk with her again. (We’ve had a talk before, but it was not to this extreme). I’m asking for advice, suggestions, and comments.
Hugs…Billie Jean
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Billie Jean
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- Fork in the Road - August 20, 2021
Hi Billie Jean, wonderful article and congrats on your sobriety. I too am struggling with an addiction which brought out my feelings to CD. My wife was very supportive at the beginning but slowly she stopped wanting to have sex with me as she saw me as Chloé. We have recently separated on a trial basis, a therapeutic separation as my therapist calls it. I too went on a trip to search my feelings, wrong place and not the right environment. Think I need to go on a Transgender/CD vacation. From reading the comments from the other ladies it seems… Read more »
Hi Chloe. Thank you for sharing. Sounds like we are in a similar time in our lives. I’m glad you were able to get to therapy. As for your addiction my first step in dealing with it was admitting that I was addicted and was willing to go to any lengths to recover. As I’m sure you know there are groups of folks with similar/same addictions and are willing to help. The hard part for me was walking through those doors then making the hard life style choices to stay clean and sober. Sorry your trip didn’t turn out as… Read more »
I too am in the same stage of my life, and like you, considered quite masculine by most. But unlike you, have suppressed my knowledge of my inner gender, as well as my need to bring her out. And now that retirement has set in, see no reason, other than my wife, to come out as the girl I am inside, dressing feminine whenever I can do so discreetly. So while different from you, I do think we have much in common to make us understand each other’s plight. And I applaud your strength in giving in to some extent… Read more »
Hi Cindy. Thank you for sharing your insights. I wish you well in your journey.
Hugs…Billie
Thanks and hugs Billie Jean
I am intending to write my story but it seems to change too often. Like you and many others, my story revolves around my wives. All three knew I am Darlene on the inside. My first wife and I were married 36 years, were emotionally the physically separated for 23 of those years. Wife number 2, knew from the beginning she enjoyed me and then did not show up to pick me up at the airport upon returning from a business trip. I introduced wife 3vto Darlene on our third date. I need to get her out in the open,… Read more »
Thank you for sharing Darlene. I’m so sorry you feel you are stuck. Any chance you can get away for a few days? My week alone as Billie really helped me realize where I am with my crossdressing. Do you have someone you can talk to in person? I cam out to a trans lady friend and it seems that I have been relieved of my guilty feelings. At least for now! Good luck to you. I hope you fine happiness.
Hugs…Billie
I had the fork in the road with 2 ex’s. the first the marriage ended for other reasons (we were young and inmature), second was because of my dressing. She was fine with it at first for years, but got involved with a very right wing conservative church and then she left me. I wish you well, but if you do want to dress more at home, in the front of your wife, be prepared to lose her as a mate.
Thank you for your reply Kristen. I’m with wife #3. First one left me because I was young and dumb. #2 left because of my drinking. My current wife has hung in there with me through thick and thin. At this point she is way more important to me than wearing a dress so I’m content. I hope you find happiness.
Hugs…Billie.
Billie Jean, good truthful article. Thank you. It appears to me the feelings of ‘fem-dom’ become stronger as I age. This leaves many of us with a choice to make, whether to stay the same or follow the inner feelings that are growing. Your article expressed that clearly. All the while we see the life clock ticking as we try to decide who to be and when the clock stops…how we wish to be remembered. Different circumstances, but I’m right there with you gurl…as I know so many who read and enjoy CDH are. For me it’s still as much… Read more »
Thank you Rowena. My summer of discovery has indeed been eventful. Yes my dressing has increased as I’ve aged. I am no longer afraid of where this will lead. I’m just letting it happen. Right now I am comfortable in my space I wish you well in your journey.
Hugs…Billie
Rowena, thank you.
Billie Jean,
I, too, can sympathize. It sounds trite, but, hang in there and always look for the positives in life. I just discovered CDH, and identify it as a tremendous positive. I wish you well on your journey.
Much love,
Raquel
Thank you Raquel!
HI Billie Jean, I think you need to talk to your wife and open up to her, good or bad. I discovered my feminine side when my wife and I were spicing up our intimate life and I ended up in some heels. Thats all it took to start me down the feminine road. My wife was supportive at first even buying me my first few pair of heels. However one day at goodwill she was with me in the dressing room to zip me up in a dress and I started acting feminine and it did something to her.… Read more »
Hi Patty. Thanks for you reply. My wife and I are both in a good space right now. I appreciate you taking the time to share part of your story.
Hugs…Billie
It’s 100% clear which fork in the road you should and wish to take. You can’t go on burying your true self, Billie Jean.
Hi Robyn. Thank you for your reply. While it’s 100% clear to you which fork I should take, I’m still working on it. :). Hugs.
Great article Billie Jean. Congratulations on your sobriety. Protect that at all costs. I just told my wife of 23 years. It seems like your road may be harder then mine ( I don’t think my wife is feeling physically ill) but you won’t know unless you talk to her about it. I tried to explain to my wife that I haven’t changed. Just her knowledge of what has always been. Good luck Sweetie. I feel for you.
Bree
Thank you Bree. Yes my sobriety is the reason I’m still here. No doubt I’d be dead or in jail if not sober. My wife has helped me get sober so out of respect to her I tread lightly. We have had talks about dressing and she accepts Billie. But really doesn’t want to see me dressed. I’m ok with that. BTW I glanced at your pics. You look marvelous!
Hugs…Billie
I’m going to keep it simple. Basically relationships come and go for all sorts of reasons but cross dressing is forever.
Thank for your comment Celeste. Agreed. I have found that my cross dressing will not go away. I’ve decided my relationship with my wife is more important to me than dressing. So for today I’m happy with both.
Hugs…Billie