As I sit here (in my LBD, wig, light make-up, and my favorite heels) on the cusp of my 68th birthday, I’ve come to the place, as I explained to my grandkids, known as the fork in the road. Which road do I take? I’m in relatively good heath, have been married for 35 years to a good woman, have two adult children, and have three loving granddaughters. Our son and daughter-in-law (with the granddaughters) live a few miles from our very small town. It’s a farming community, and it feels as if everyone knows us. We have lived and worked here for 11 years.
My crossdressing began like most of the folks I’ve read about on CDH. (I’ve read almost everything there is to read on this site). Got into my mom’s drawers at a very young age. I did love the feeling of nylons, bras, panties, and dresses. I played sports, had girlfriends, and did the usual stuff guys did in the ’70s. I turned 21; bars and taverns were the places for me. I still played sports, but always to have a beer. I developed a love affair with alcohol and drugs.
I got married at 25 and started to raid my wife’s drawers, underdressing (mostly when drunk). It ended quickly because of it. The second time, my drinking and drugging escalated as did my fondness for my wife’s underclothes. Luckily, my wife gave me a choice, alcohol and drug treatment or she would leave. I choose treatment. That’s where I learned that I am an alcoholic. She still ended up leaving me, but I am forever grateful as she helped me understand my alcoholism. It took a few years, but sobriety finally stuck. Sober now for 16 years.
I married a wonderful lady 35 years ago with two small kids. In 2018, I took a job that required traveling out of town a few nights a week. Wham! My desire to underdress came back 10 times stronger than before. Next thing I knew I was underdressing, driving dressed, and packing an extra suitcase for my hotel stays. I only ventured out underdressed. I really didn’t know anything about crossdressing. You know, just thought I had a fetish and felt guilty, but enjoyed the feeling of the clothes on my skin. It’s not so much of a sexual release, but more of a feeling of liking to wear the clothes. This continued until retirement a few years ago. My wife still works seasonally. In the winter, I started dressing during the days she was gone, and thankfully I found CDH then. I’ve learned so much here that I can’t thank you all enough.
The fork in the road. This past year, I started collecting clothes and undergarments. I started by wearing my wife’s panties. I just put them in the laundry as usual. One day she exclaimed, “I don’t remember wearing these.” I confessed to her that I sometimes wear them. She wasn’t amused. A few weeks went by and while we were at Walmart she picked up a pair of panties and I asked if I could get some for myself? She said ok if it’s what I want to do. I bought some like hers, and then asked about a bra? “If that’s what you want.”
We purchased matching silk nighties. I thought, “Great she’s ok with this.” We wore out matching nighties a few times, and I continued to dress during the days she worked, always changing before she got home. One day she came home early. I raced into the room to get out of my outfit but couldn’t. I just left it on. She had seen me dressed a few times before, so it wasn’t a total shocker, but her attitude towards Billie began to change.
I tried to tone it down, take it slow. I’ve ordered wigs, make-up, lipstick, stockings, bras, and more clothes. I haven’t hidden anything except the wigs and makeup. My lipstick is neutral. When I do my nails (not often enough) I use clear and recently I shaved my legs. My desire to dress has increased. I want to go all-in with breast forms and body shapers. I have a strong desire to go out in public. I am worried that if I order forms, etc. I should get a PO Box as this might put a strain or even be the end of our marriage. But I hate secrets. I have been out once fully dressed at night and it was so exciting!
My wife has been colder than usual to me. She is not overly affectionate, to begin with, and I don’t have much of a sex drive anymore, but her cold shoulder is becoming a sore spot in our relationship. I suspect she might have found my wig stash or is upset about the clothes I’ve bought lately. When I ask, she says nothing is wrong.
I’ve decided to take a trip by myself in our travel trailer. I have been collecting clothes, a new wig, and accessories. I am working up the courage to go out during the day and evening. I want to look my best, so I am working on makeup, etc. I am excited about this trip but very worried about what the end result will be. Is this going to be my “fork in the road” time? How will I feel after spending those few days en femme? Will I want to dress more freely when I get home? And most importantly, what about my wife?
I think the thought of my dressing makes her physically ill. I suspect she knows this trip is for me to get out and that worries her. Should I tell her my plans? I realize if I want to pursue this further, I must have the talk with her again. (We’ve had a talk before, but it was not to this extreme). I’m asking for advice, suggestions, and comments.