I think I was born a girl but live in a boy’s body.  Up ’til now, I’ve thought I was born a boy with some extra female traits. Without ever questioning, I did the things a man is required to do. My whole childhood, I acted like a man by opening doors for girls and ladies. Now, I realize how harmful the requirement has been for me to pretend that I am a boy.

Today, my feeling of relief is earth shattering! I no longer have to pretend at being a male, which mostly, I’m not.  I have enough physical characteristics to appear as if I was a man, and it has misled me into believing I was so, while deep down in my soul I’ve known that I am half-woman and half-man.  For my whole life, I have hidden the half of me that is female from the world.

Most crossdressers are girl and boy combinations.  For most of us, the girl part is normally hidden and probably repressed. As a result, you are living as half of a person, sharing your male self with the world and keeping your other half hidden.  You have a female inside of you that wants and needs to come out, just as powerfully as you need to breathe.

Makeup Magic

The female is suffocating in isolation from the world.  You are having a private dressing session and then hear a noise. You gulp in fear of being caught. In a panic, you pull off your clothes and hide them while hastily trying to rub off enough vestiges of your makeup. If after that moment, you have time to settle yourself and check at how you’re feeling, you might notice strong feelings of regret and a twinge of depression over this outcome.  You feel regret that you can’t be a whole person.

What I mean, is that when you are male you don’t get upset if someone discovers you are showing your male side.  So the depressing part is that your female self can’t also have an open life.  If she were able to exist just like her male counterpart then there would be two of you.  You would be twice as powerful.  Part of this power would come from not being depressed about hiding your female side.

What can you do to get out of this situation, where you end up caught because your female half is found out?  Of course you feel bad because deep down you want people to see the real feminine you.  But if you were self-accepting and loving toward this side then being caught wouldn’t be so terrible.  Imagine that you are currently the woman inside of you and think about how much fun it would be to flirt.

Flirting can be the tool for getting your female side free of being stigmatized every time – even in your own mind.  You should learn to first flirt by yourself and then flirt with a significant other, such as a girlfriend or wife.  Try not to be afraid to show off your female stuff.  Wear something short like a tee-shirt dress that barely covers you up. When you do this, you will get a glow and more closely know what it feels like to be female.  If you work on this, you will be resurrecting the dormant female part of your personality.  She will revive and in time thrive.  And she, with your male counterpart will join together and there will be two of you.

  1. Peggy Sue Williams 2 weeks ago

    Yes, all so very true! For so long, so many of us kept the girl inside bottled up for so many years. I hear similar stories so often at my support group meetings! Kristen Beck is a famous example, a tough macho Navy SEAL Senior Chief Petty Officer for over 20 years, all the time denying she had a woman living inside her. Now out of the Navy, she is happily living full-time as a woman. Somewhat similar to my story. I too served 22 years in the Navy, a Chief Petty Officer, the very symbol of macho military maleness. I knew there was a woman inside me, but I too kept denying it. I now let that woman out two or more times a week, and it is SO liberating! Unlike Kristen, I did not serve in a macho type job. I was a Navy cryptologist, and my biggest fear was loss of my ultra sensitive high security clearance.

  2. Stephanie Flowers 2 weeks ago

    Oh so much did I enjoying reading this, beautifully said. Words I now know and yes do need to express myself more and with more confidence. A flirt ,a twinkle to spice up the mind and open feelings to new levels. Spicing up the relationship wouldn’t hurt too! …lol!!

  3. stephanie plumb 2 weeks ago

    Wonderful words. You express the isolation of being female very well. But you lost me (and many others probably) as soon as you mentioned the word flirt. Most of us can’t, don’t want to, or don’t need to do that. I know what its like to be female without having to wear a very short dress! or blow feminine kisses at my wife (she would think I have lost my mind)..

    Everyone seems to talk about “letting the woman inside out” or being two personas, or two halves, or even two spirits! In reality there is only ONE of you. YOU have both male and female characteristics, but they are facets of the same person. We were born as males but with a female gender identity that we learn to liberate later in life as our confidence and wisdom grows (and probably aided by falling Testosterone levels), and express our feminine nature, without losing the male skills we had to learn due to our being raised as boys. Now we have to develop a whole new set of skills that match our true identity. Exciting, isn’t it?

    • Peggy Sue Williams 2 weeks ago

      FWIW, in a conversation with a clinical psychologist, he gave me his opinion as thus, “Heterosexual cross dressers are expressing what is the female extension of their male personality.” Whatever, I have heard all sorts of opinions. Hey, put 100 shrinks in a room, and they will probably give 100 different versions of what a cross dresser is.

      Anyway, Stephanie, I like your comments!

      Flirting? Not sure on that one, except I would never flirt with a male, when I am cross dressed. That would be inviting something I am not at all interested in.

    • Carolyn Kay 2 weeks ago

      Stephanie, very good reply. I don’t feel like I am either a man or a woman, I am just me. I may present myself differently one day to another but it is still me. Yes, I am more relaxed sand comfortable went dressed female but it doesn’t shut off my brain just because I am wearing male clothes. Do I wish I could present myself more as female, yes, but after 60 some years of mainly presenting male there is to much history. History, both male and female, that is me and I can’t give all of it up to choose a side. Life is what you make it so do the best you can and really enjoy it!!!

  4. Roxanne Lanyon 2 weeks ago

    Yes, I like the “flirting” part. I wish someone could teach me how to do that! I so want my female side to come out!

  5. Aoife 2 weeks ago

    Very good! So much good stuff to think about here.

    • Aoife 2 weeks ago

      Already thinking about this a lot! What do I want to hear about my female self? Probably the exact things I want to be as a man! So much of the good in me was stomped into negativity early on. I need to tell sweet little Aoife what a beautiful heart she has and go forward. Such good advice!

  6. Lucinda Hawkns 2 weeks ago

    oh my god well said. great words and notes. i feel the same way when i dress up all pretty with make up, i hear a sound and trying to undress and get make up off before i get caught, why should i be this way? i feel that i was born a female but male parts and brain i a way. played like the other boys around the neighborhood, then i had to wear tights in a school play i was hooked. from there on i wanted to dress like a girl and be a girl out side but society is not excepting the x dressing world or it was not for bidden to dress in female cloths back in the late 70s. now we are in the 2000 and up years and i found my true self. i dress up when i can and be happy and free. my wife knows of my x dressing but will not see me or help with make up. but tells me i can do what i like to do for our last adult child is not home. she has seen me getting dressed up and talking to me as i am putting on a dress or make up then leave. what is so wrong with dressing up in female cloths like we really should be doing. woman dress in manly cloths and nothing is said about it.

  7. Brenda, right on point. Hiding is the biggest problem. It increases the feelings of guilt and disappointment. I wrote about this in https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/sometimes-she-screams-krista-pm-to-cyn-about-title/ . Let yourself be who you are and generally you will be far more content in life.

    • Author
      Brenda Fille 2 weeks ago

      Hi Cyn, I read your life story and I don’t know but I hope all those people dying was metaphorical. If not I give you my deepest sympathy for your tragedies. I have been a master all my life at hiding the real me. Thanks for your helpful thoughts. In that hope I ordered a book from Amazon that I think you suggested called “Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead”. I might or should get it by tomorrow.

      • No-sadly that was not metaphorical. 2011/12 was a difficult time losing my mom and two brothers within about twelve months and then nearly losing son, daughter , and ex to separate things within that same timeframe. Thankfully my boss “encouraged “(read “ordered” ) me to see the Employee assistance program(EAP) counselor and I was able to work through that extremely stressful time of losing so many so close to me(and almost losing several more) and the “little issue” of figuring out the gender issues-LOL.

  8. Lorie Peace 2 weeks ago

    Brenda’s quote: “What I mean, is that when you are male you don’t get upset if someone discovers you are showing your male side. So the depressing part is that your female self can’t also have an open life. If she were able to exist just like her male counterpart then there would be two of you. You would be twice as powerful.”

    Brilliant! Wow, that pierces me to my core. Thank you so much for that perspective. This will give me courage and power going forward as I get out more and more.

    My feminine partner is just as valid as my masculine partner. When i can own that concept and start to live it, it will be so much easier for those around me to accept and honor it. People treat us the way we tell them to, and the way we treat ourselves.

    Thank you so much, Brenda, I’ll carry this with me like a talisman!

    P.S.And “Daring Greatly” is an amazing book. Brene Brown, the author, is so down to earth and respects all iterations of people. I recommend it highly to my coaching clients.

  9. Charlene Que 2 weeks ago

    I do find that after all the suffering I did all my life hiding from my female side and have now come to understand and in brace the female in me is exciting it’s like my whole life has started all over with this new adventure as I move forward into this new lifestyle I know I have a long way to go and probably need a lot of help pick up a friend or two along the way one understands what I’m going through as I go through this process of identifying and Define the female in me

  10. Julie Kay Kule 4 days ago

    I can say I am very self-accepting not much choice in it . But, I know many in my life that will not be very accepting. I am not sure what will happen once I can’t hide the change. Beast are still growing my voice lip a bit i range. Some have noted there a differences mostly women. Not many male friends as it is they just think man boobs and tell me lay off the beer. Those I told are shocked On e offer her body get me turn away from sin lol I showed her the medical test and she now like I never knew this was a real thing. LOL But I Know that accepting who i am is right . i can fight that I’m XXX chromosome. It not like can get shot or drink something change it. Oh I could ignore the XXX factor and just take male hormones and also thre doctor risk other issues . Nope I not going to fight it but going take it slowly for those I know to be told and to understand I changing but not because I wanted to but because it is my body own design. I am accepting my life no matter where it goes.

Leave a reply

Subscribe To Our Newsletter

Subscribe To Our Newsletter

Join our mailing list to receive the latest news and updates from Crossdresser Heaven.

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Log in with your credentials


Forgot your details?

Create Account