Some days you feel sexier than others. Fridays are usually my day for feeling sexy. Maybe it’s because it’s the end of the work week or maybe it’s because that’s traditionally the day to take back our energy from whatever it is we do for a living. Yesterday was Friday.

In a perfect world I would be able to wear a cute outfit as I go to work and finish my week with a smile; however, it’s not a perfect world, so I put my stockings, panties, and short tight little black dress on under my normal uniform. ‘Underdressing’ is what it’s called.

My normal work uniform consists of a t-shirt, a button up maintenance shirt, and black jeans. Yes, I am in maintenance and therefore no cute shoes either. Boots, and since boots and stockings just don’t work I put on white sweat socks on top of the cute black stockings and then my boots. Taking a look in the full-length mirror in my bedroom I smiled and felt pretty. Little did I know what would happen in a few hours.

Fridays are busy and heavy for me at work. They always have been and always will be and I had a lot of layers on. Before the first two hours of work had finished I was sweating through my pretty black dress, t-shirt, and uniform shirt. I had to take the dress off or make a terrible showing of myself. Now comes the problem of where to put it. It’s little but it won’t fit in my pocket and if I just carry it out of the bathroom and put it in a cupboard then everyone will see and ask what it is? What am I going to do?

Sadly, I had to toss the dress. I wrapped it in some paper towels and put it on the bottom of the basket. I started my day feeling cute and sexy and ended without a dress and feeling drab.

But something happened that was more important than the loss of a dress. I, of course, initially went to that dark place we all know. Feeling alone and ashamed I continued doing my job under this cloud. We all know this place. It’s an internal landscape of judgment and shame. “Why am I so damn weird?” and “Why can’t I just be a normal man?” echoed in my own voice through my head. A person can feel so lonesome with these voices your only companion.

That’s when I remembered Crossdresser Heaven. Crossdresser Heaven is filled with people just like me. Everyone here has similar feelings, the same questions bounce around their heads, and most here have traveled the same path that I am and that made me feel better. The dark cloud lifted and I accepted myself a little bit more. I, like everyone here, am perfectly me. Whether in pants and boots or in a slip, dress, and makeup, we should continue to rejoice in the beauty and diversity of ourselves. Like a stained glass window that the sun is shining through we are a picture of mixed up beautiful colored landscape.

Never stop being yourselves, ladies and gentlemen. We are just as important and needed as everyone else.

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Jessica McKnight is a new cross dresser who has discovered her gender-fluidity in her late forties. With painted toes, and a lipstick smile she attempts to shine her way into a new and accepting life as Jessica.

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Stef SmithKate "Squeezy McSqueeze" JewelDiane BKhloe WestJessica Recent comment authors
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Olivia Faye Marie
Active Member

Read your article. I struggle a lot with wondering why I am the way I am. I fight against it daily because I feel like I would lose more than I can gain from dressing. just wanted to say I understand where you are coming from. a lot of people on here do, if not everyone. Thanks.

Lori Shane

Your article was so perfect i’ve had the exact feelings and situations many times thank you for a little encouragement

Miss P

Jessica, Thank you for not only sharing the pain of having to hide away the little black dress but also part of who you are. As you, I have my own experiences of hiding away and losing not only items but self esteem. The wondering of “Why am I like this,” has been a refrain echoing in my brain. I am glad for your sharing which strengthens me and helps me connect with you, with others, and myself. I appreciate your gift.

Khloe West

Well stated and appreciated! I’m rather a lucky duck, in that I get to “dress” a little on the daily. Denim and a top a ubiquitous look, but all of ine are from that “Other side of the aisle”, Self employed for 3+ decades as a handyman with private clients. It ~was~ a bit of an adjustment to myself and the client base when I first discovered the real me in my early 50’s and started the changes. *Footnote* I was innocently, yet utterly unexpectedly, “outed” on my first “girl’s night out” and simply rolled with it and owned that… Read more »

Gisela Claudine

I appreciate your moving article, Jessica. I am a hider, coming back and forth. In a way I enjoy what some would call my dance between genders, although sometimes it is complicated. Well. Life ain’t easy. Occassionally I suffer the pressure of the society in which I live. I would like not to have to worry about others value my way of life and I restrict myself so as not to cause unnecessary suffering to my loved ones, but I have to value myself and look for a balance. I do not fight against myself anymore. Well. Most of the… Read more »

Rachel Ní D

Hi Jessica. I loved your article, like others I’ve had similar feelings to you and why is still a constant question in my mind. Whilst I’ve never thought of myself as “odd” or “weird”, I’ve lost count of the times I wish I’d been born fully female, or wondered how much more straightforward life would be I was a normal man. I absolutely *despise* having to wear the suit/shirt/tie combination , it might be in my head of course, but I’ve yet to find a suit that even feels comfortable on (even if it’s a good fit). Fortunately I work… Read more »

Active Member

Love the story Jessica. While i’m not as open as I want to be about Cyn, I am comfortable in my stealth dressing where all my clothes are actually women’s clothes even if no obviously so. And while I used to-and on rare occasions still-wish that I was not “different” than guys, I have come to accept and love all of who I am and realize Cyn is a large-and perhaps the MOST part of what makes me who I am and that’s a GOOD thing!


Jessica, thank you for your willingness to share youre ups and downs with us here on CDH. As for myself I have very seldom asked why. I accepted being girl in mind very young and always wished I had gotten a body to match that. Still it took 35 years of secret dressing before I could fulfill my longtime whish to go out dressed as a woman and yet a couple of years before i started coming out to friends and family

Alexis Frazier

Jessica, Thank you for this article that is so personal. I am dreaming of some days I can underdress regularly like you. Seems like you struck a nerve that resonated with several members. Thanks for being the encourager that I needed.


Faye Lambert
Faye Lambert

This is an awesome read! Yes, we’ traveling the same path. I can definitely relate to the feeling of shame. My “Christian” upbringing makes me feel ashamed of who I am. I am beginning to embrace who I am. I didn’t pick this journey. I was one of the chosen to take this journey. I will continue to walk with my head held high.

Stef Smith

Yes Christianity does cause us to question things However I cant imagine clothing being an issue! Now lust selfishness sexualization that could be a problem What really changed my mind on this was the fact that the Old Testament contains many things that we no longer do. Those rituals were meant for the Jews as part if the covenant with God Jesus fulfills the law by being the ultimate sacrifice pure and holy doing what no rituals can do Think about this I order make lingerie from homme mystere it s made for men so in that way i m… Read more »

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