Becoming You

As time continues on we do, we learn, we teach, and for many we accept the facts that really can’t be changed even if we really want(ed) them to.  I have so many memories of who I started out being and remain to be this very day.  Many people come to me in confidence about becoming the girl they desire to be and ask if I have any advice or strong suggestions of how to get there.  I share my own experience with them (part of it anyway) and some can relate and some can’t.  I tell those who can’t right now to give it time and eventually they might.  They will eventually act upon their desires, or those desires will ultimately crumble into pieces of a dream that once was.

See I truly believe we don’t wake up one morning and tell ourselves “gee, today I think I’ll steal some of my mother’s, sister’s, aunt’s or whoever’s makeup, jump into one of their skirts or dresses, a pair of heels and a purse, gallop all throughout the house and pretend I am a girl.”   No, but what I do believe and share with others is a few little things called “the facts, reality and the truth.”  Crossdressers, transgender people, drag queens, and those that just fantasize are special and unique in their own ways.  However, I believe we all share similarities, and in fact I believe we are all “as one” when it comes to this area of our lives.  I share how it has been for me when asked and tell them to reach out to others who have the same dreams, aspirations, and love for doing what they do.  It always amazes me when someone tells me they are married and in a heterosexual relationship with wives or girlfriends who either accept or deal with them being CD.  Or don’t.  Personally I have the utmost respect for those that are married and have compromised as well as risked it all to be who they are.  No one person, as far as I’m concerned, has a right to tell anyone else how to live their life.  Perhaps some listen, yet others still go about trying to be the person they aren’t.

I too tried to be the son my mother wanted at first for me to be.  However it was impossible for me, because I was who I was put here to be.  This is what was explained to me by a best friend, a few therapists, and of all people, my mother.  My mother and I were very close and I always subliminally felt she somehow knew of my activities.  Guilt caught up to me one day when I walked in after being on a date and found her in tears crying like I had never seen my mother cry ever before.  Point blank she told me she knew everything I had always tried to keep a secret, and had actually believed it was all a secret and nobody else knew or suspected.  How very wrong and naïve I had been.  In fact I don’t think I have ever been as wrong in my thinking as I had been before that moment.  She knew everything and so did my sisters.  Even the kids at school who called me derogatory names and labeled me actually knew before I ever admitted anything.

Getting back to explaining the reasons I decided to write this article it is with true heartfelt beliefs and feelings that I truly believe we are one (just as Buddhists and many others believe).  Obviously not every male chooses to wear a dress instead of pants.  But then did we actually choose this lifestyle?  I don’t agree with some who believe we did.  What I will agree with is what I and thousands of others believe, “that the lifestyle chose us.”  Who on earth would deliberately put themselves in harms way, be humiliated if anyone finds out or suspects that they cross dress and for some prefer to be with the same sex; who would be that crazy if it were a choice?  Is it any wonder why so many try and keep it a secret?  This life really doesn’t promise us that each day will be good or perfect.  It does allow us to follow what we believe in.  My mother always told my sisters and myself to follow our hearts; she said all that’s in our hearts are hopes, dreams and wants, and they will surface when we allow or want them too.  All my dreams and hopes have not always surfaced or revealed themselves but one thing I know for sure is that I have tried to do the right thing by following the path that was chosen for me to follow.  I have drifted on occasions and even tried to be someone I wasn’t and could never be.  So as I tell others, I don’t give advice, but what I will offer is experience, hope, and to share things that I live by and believe in and offer suggestions. That’s all I can really do!

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Jackie

Jewelry Artisan, cocktail waitress, part time escort. at Emerald Club, Shuckeys Club

It's safe to say that my life & lifestyle" were chosen for me before I even knew the plan! My belief has always been that I / we didn't choose our lifestyle but that we were born this way. I guess there are many who don't see it this way and make many attempts to fight or change our fate. I however did listen to it and began to follow directions at a early age. For me as with so many other Cross Dressing, Drag and LGBTQ+ lifestyle began around 8 years old. Well LGBTQ+ followed soon after. My sexuality was confirmed at 15 after having my first encounter. It couldn't have been more apparent. Answers to my own questions I carried with me for some time were answered that day. My coming out debut was like a huge weight lifted from me immediately when I stood before my mother and sister's and confessed everything. All of they're suspicions were brought to life. Getting into all my sister's things, wearing they're clothes, makeup and everything else they owned I admitted to. I had always thought I was so sneaky and left no evidence. But I hadn't been. They knew all along. There was so much evidence. There were so many times and situations throughout a long course of time had added up and grown in such big numbers it had to have been impossible to keep track. For example all my posessions in my bedroom like makeup, nail polishes, hair tools, my clothing, shoe, boots, pictures and posters on my walls, etc. If anyone who had walked into my room didn't or couldn't recognize that "there was something different about Jackie" they would have been stupid and or very nieve. I always came up with an excuse as to why anyone seen what there was to see in every corner nook and cranny of my room. I did eventually begin to wonder how they really thought. I I had been put on front street and drilled with questions practically on a daily basis. I had slowly become too relaxed and stopped trying to keep everything hidden. Beside the fact that everything had become too impossible to hide. So confessing to all of what seemed at the moment to be so long actually only took minutes to admit it all to be true. Thats as short of my story I can put down to you. I have only a few regrets of mistakes I have made overtime but who I am is not one of them. Enjoy, have fun and be yourself and if you can't do that right now then pretend until you can!

Latest posts by Jackie (see all)

• A Poem by Jackie - August 25, 2022
• Becoming You - January 18, 2022
• Keeping It In The Family - October 8, 2020
• Nikki - November 27, 2019
• The World We Live In - March 22, 2019

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