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I'm Jackie. Some knew me as Nikkole before deciding to change my name to Jackie. This article is quite old but I felt it needed like a update so here goes.
I was the youngest child of six and the only boy. That's right I had five sister's and only a mother no father thank God. If I'd had one I probably wouldn't have his favorite kid or got away with all the stuff I got away with. In fact it would have most likely put a real damper or strain on my extracurricular activities like let's say "cross dressing." As with many I began trying my hand at makeup when I was 10 then onto my sisters clothes, heels and other things. At 6 years old I was into they're things all the time. But it wasn't until age 10 that I actually began using them.
Yes, I was spoiled by my mother and at least three of my sister's. I could get away with almost anything. When I had a problem or trouble with one of my sisters I would run to my mother and either be told to quit pissing them off and when trouble arose with my mother I would go running to one of my sister who would in turn get into it with my mother so it was back and fourth till some kind of answer I wanted to hear was put in place.
There is just so much to say and I don't want to bore any of you. So, getting right to it dressing become a regular almost everyday activity. I would stand in the mirror and admire the way I looked. My new look was preferred over that of a boy. I had convinced my mother a few years back that girls pants fit me better and no one would know. Same with pullovers and girls sneakers or boots. I would get harassed by kids at school and by the time I reached junior high school I was looked upon as being queer and a sissy that wore girls things. However, it didn't detour what I wore at the least bit. I was beginning to question my sexuality myself at 15 or so when I would catch myself looking at some guy's butt or crotch area and think to myself they were cute or how I would love to see even more from them.
It was in the 70's when guys had their hair down to their waist and platform heels were popular. So I got to have my way, long hair with highlight, platforms, girls pants and shirts and a girls ski jacket for the winter. I wore what felt good and boy's clothes were just too boring and drab. People did notice these things and I was on front street quite a bit. My own mother said one day when we were shopping for school clothes that I was looking more like another one of her daughter's than her son. In a big way I took it as a compliment but in another way for some reason it made me afraid. Why? When she said that I felt myself blushing for there were other people around us that the statement caught the attention of those close enough to hear it. A lady who was also there with her daughter kept watching me and soon I felt uneasy about even being there. Moments later when we were in front of the girls socks I put some in the basket and suddenly felt like everyone in the store was looking at me. As I look back on that day I know now that most of it was just in my head. My step dad would make remarks and call me queer and that I need to go get a job where the men work and act like a little man instead of a girl. My mother would get pissed and sometime I would exit the room leaving them arguing. Anytime I entered a room where he was I could feel his eye's watching me and feel the dislike he had for me but neither did this detour the way I dressed and looked either.
So you must be thinking I had to have been harassed at school, got grief from family members, and had people staring and mumbling among themselves all the time, your right but I got used to it and in a odd way began to relish in it. My sister told me one day that I was only imagining it, that no one knew I was a boy instead of a girl. I finally told my sister one day that if I went anywhere with her I would have my makeup on and more and she was okay with that. I always knew I could trust her yet when I was wearing makeup in front of her I still felt a little awkward and she knew that. She tried many times of comforting me and would tell me everything was okay. But all of her words of confidence and encouragement still would not help me to feel comfortable. I was always thinking that maybe she had wanted her little brother to be athletic and have girlfriends that she could meet. I also thought that way when it came to my mother. How sad she must have felt knowing I would probably never be one of her children that would give her a grand child.
Okay, so in wrapping this novel up I want to express that though my story may sound like a cross dresser's dream and it appears that it was easy getting through it I want to let it be known that parts of it were actually troublesome. Personally I think everyone knew what I did and who I was becoming but other than the occasional remarks no one really ever said anything except my sister who I came out to of being a cross dresser, gay and later on a drag queen. That was just after I turned 17. I'm now in my 50's. Throughout time people have asked me if I could go back in time and change anything I simply reply with a confident answer NO, nothing!
I don't want to be a full woman, I just want to be who I am.
Thank you for bearing with me I tend to get a little long winded (just like all girls do), Jackie Wild.
Thank you Nikkolle for sharing a part of your life with us. I'm sure there will be members who will have had experiences that are similar to some of yours. The acceptance you have from your mother and sisters is all that counts.
One of the messages from CDH is that we all have a right to be who we are and who we wish to be. Coming out to those around us isn't always easy but sometimes it turns out to be easier than trying to hide a part of us.
Continue to enjoy expressing who you are. You provide inspiration and encouragement for others to do the same.
A huge thank you goes out to anyone who read my story. I have striven and struggled through allot of my life to become and stay Nikkolle. I know we all have and I think it goes without saying for all of us, "fight the good fight every moment" I love this site and want to contribute to it as much as I possibly can each time I'm here. I am very grateful that it is here in all it's beauty. Thank you, Nikkolle.
Hi Nikkolle, I just loved your story I am an older Cross Dresser and only a few of my closest friends know it. I, have been out dressed a couple of times and I am gay also which I knew but hid it for many years from myself also. Thank you for you in sight to all of us. Looking for any other inspirations from you also.
Hugs,
Stacey S
Nikkolle - You are an inspiration to others. Thank you -- for sharing such intimate parts of your life.
Young or old ---the challenge is the same - working to be true to you - there are challenges that we need to work through and should never lose sight of the goal. Your determination to let Nikkolle be more of you has done just that - be true - be yourself - be happy.
This story provides encouragement on anyone's journey forward.
Thank you for sharing, Nikkolle. I think you are brave. What a life story. I hope to hear more!
Thank you for sharing Nikkolle, you give me hope that one day soon I can at least tell some of my family that I'm a crossdresser you are such an inspiration. I hope you continue to post of your journey
Hugs
Breeann
Pegy Lindenwald
Time has forgot me I am so old, if you dressed in my day you landed in jail or worse. I still dress now and then to remember what it was like. All you lucky girls, have a great beautiful life.
Love you all
Pegy Love
Love the story Nikkolle, what you describe here about being who you are is a very important message to those who are struggling to find that societal label that fits who they are. I think the reason this hit home with me is that, I'm not sure that I want to become a woman, I'm not sure where or how I fit in, but I certainly do love being me. That right now is most important.
Darcy I'm glad that it hits home with you. You know being who we are it's not always easy finding that place to fit in. I was very fortunate finding my own. Of course we both have different paths so to speak. Though we share commonalities I'm confident we are different you and me. I found refuge and home in a club where as soon as I walked in the first time I knew I was home. Not everyone shares the same sexuality or preference as I do and that makes it a little more difficult, it really does. However there are other places to meet like minded people. There are cross dresser clubs everywhere throughout. There is a directory that can lead you to the right place. It may or may not be in the same town you live in and you may have to drive a ways but I'm confident there is a special place waiting for you. Be proud of who you are and what you have accomplished so far. By the way my name changed to Jackie a few years ago. Stay safe, be happy and continue on your journey.
Hello Nikkolle while my story is totally different I do love your and would be very happy to be friends. You go girl I was the youngest boy in a step brother/step sister family 5 boys 5 girls but actually Had 1 half brother (who knows) and 1 sister (who knows) none of the step family know no contact with any of them and it was hard for me never had those advantages you had with your sister.
I am grateful that so many of you find my biography or story inspirational. I believe there is such a commonality between all of us that it leads to the same or a very similar life story. Little have most of known at the beginning that what we were creating would creating our story or biography. Those precious moments when we stood in front of a mirror and fell in love with the way we looked and felt. The abundance of fears followed right behind that moment and special time which prevented us from exposing the truth about ourselves and our new discovery. Although my story may come across that exposing myself was easy for me I have to tell you that it hasn't been so simple. Some of my loved ones and friends found out in ways I wish they hadn't but I can't go back in time to correct that or do it differently. As I explained to my mother, sister's and others that it wasn't like I just woke up one morning and decided to dress like a girl, act feminine and place myself in the position to be looked upon as some kind of freak show. There have been more than enough ugly comments from people in the past especially when I was still in school to last a lifetime. But the awesome point I'm willing to stay proud of is that I made through and I continue to do that. They say what don't kill us or harm us makes us stronger and I believe that wholeheartedly. The CDH community that has been created for our purpose in life is something to treasure and be a part of. Here we meet others that have went through the same and shared the same fear's in life. And for those that are just beginning to leave the nest so to speak I can tell you on a personal level that by believing in yourselves and standing your ground it gets better believe me. There will always be some amount of prejudice from our society we live in because it's just kind of world. However, the world has changed dramatically since the time I first discovered myself. It's a long time battle, maybe even could be considered as the longest battle ever to be accepted for who we are but we are winning and we will continue to evolve. Blessings, Jackie Wild:)
Jackie we have chatted over the years and you know i so admire you and your resolve. I have finally found the right man for me and am engaged to be married. The night he proposed my mind flashed back to when Mom told me as a young teen that she thought i was gay and it was ok, she still luvd me.
I have lost family and most friends but am a woman who will soon have her very own husband. I so wish that things back in the 60's were as they are now. But in a sense we are here for the future generation showing those girls that it is ok to be a fem sissy girl.
Thanks Jackie I have always looked up to you. Thanks, Julie
Being Roxanne is the most wonderful, feminine thing that has ever happened to me! Sometimes I just want to be in his arms and never let go!
Roxanne Lanyon
Would love to live in a world without any preconceptions.
A really nice story. It's almost like my life. I do not want surgery anymore and the whole sex change. I'm too old. My wife accepted me as I am, just that I want from the neighborhood. Then I'll be happy. I wish many luck.
Hello Jackie. What a lovely story you have told. Such courage, strength and perseverance.
You are truly a role model for the rest of us.
Love....
Lady Veronica
muy hermosa historia me encanto lo que dices , sobre ser quien quieres ser eso es lo mejor yo mucho tiempo quería ser vista como una mujer y cuando salía a la calle pensaba que todo mundo me veía y cosas así pero en realidad pasaba desapercibida solo que alguien me viera muy bien se daba cuenta y de esa manera me dia cuenta que la gente se acostumbra a verte como eres. y tu eres seguramente muy linda.
Miss Jackie resonated with me. I feel so feminine. Now, if only I really had a handsome SO!
Roxanne Lanyon
Oh, Jackie! I think I may have found him! Oh, please excuse the excitement, but this is all so new to me! I have ben e-mail communicating, and telephonically, with a sweet man named "David". He talks very romantically to me. He is travelling right now on business, but will be back very soon, and he is going to look me up! Oh! I have told him all about me, that I have been divorced for almost three years, am an "older" woman, around 70, and have sent him my pictures. He says I am very pretty! Well, I just blush when he says that! Oh, Jackie, I cannot wait to meet him! But I do worry about being feminine for him. I hope I can. I want to be his girl, so much!
Your Roxanne Lanyon
