“I Am A Rock”

by Paul Simon, released 1965

A winter’s day

Crossdresser Heaven - Find Your Tribe

In a deep and dark December

I am alone

Gazing from my window

To the streets below

On a freshly fallen, silent shroud of snow

I am a rock

I am an island

 

I’ve built walls

A fortress, steep and mighty

That none may penetrate

I have no need of friendship

Friendship causes pain.

It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain.

I am a rock

I am an island

 

Don’t talk of love

Well, I’ve heard the words before

It’s sleeping in my memory

And I won’t disturb the slumber

Of feelings that have died

If I never loved, I never would have cried

I am a rock

I am an island

 

I have my books

And my poetry to protect me

I am shielded in my armor

Hiding in my room

Safe within my womb

I touch no one and no one touches me

I am a rock

I am an island

 

And a rock feels no pain

And an island never cries

For many within the CD/TG community, these words are an all too familiar expression of our lives.  Like many other marginalized members of society, we find it easier to isolate ourselves rather than face the harsh judgment of others who often don’t understand us or our need to express ourselves as we do.  I know in my own life, I was prone to believe that no one wanted to be around “someone like me”, so I chose to lose myself in books and not allow many (if ANY) people to know the person I hid from the world. It took me many years to realize that I was only hurting myself by doing this.  I didn’t give my friends credit for being able to see that while this is an important aspect of who I am, it is most certainly not the ONLY aspect of who I am. Like anyone, I am the SUM of many different parts and this side of me is neither more NOR less important than anything else in determining what kind of person I am.  In recent years, I have allowed my true FRIENDS to know about Cyn, and have been fortunate to not lose anyone yet. If they ARE true friends, they will accept that this is part of what makes me who I am, and won’t allow it to change their perception of me.

 As far as love, I have truly loved a few times in life, and thus far it hasn’t lasted forever for various reasons.  And yes-I shed tears as the relationships ended or as we came to the realization that we were in different places. But even during those painful moments, I KNEW that I was better for having the experience, for it is true what the poet John Donne wrote: “No man is an island’ (and no woman either).   Each of us is connected to the rest of humanity both as part of a group and in an individual sense as well. No matter how lonely I might feel at any given point in life, I must not give up hope and withdraw into my own cocoon -or as it said above “hiding in my room, safe within my womb”. For it is NOT true that a rock feels no pain or that an island never cries.  Instead those who choose to be “rocks” and “islands” are left to suffer the pain and tears in solitude, unable to allow another to help bear their burden. If we isolate ourselves and (to paraphrase) “touch no one and no one touches us”, then we not only hurt ourselves, we rob others of the positive impact we could have had in their lives. In the four years I have been a member here at Crossdresser Heaven I have seen SO many folks who had felt isolated and alone slowly make their way out of the shadows and spread their wings like a butterfly emerging from the cocoon. And seeing them do so helped me overcome my own fears.

 Some might think it is always “someone else” who inspires and helps the fledglings leave the nest and take to the air-but EACH and every one of YOU can have that impact TOO! -But only if you choose to NOT keep yourself hidden away in the dark.  You don’t have to “go public” (unless you want to of course) but here on the site, allow yourself to be open and honest. I made the choice back in 2015 that I would be open and honest on here about my hopes and my fears; my triumphs and my defeats; my questions and my answers.  Each of us has to chart our own path in life, but we don’t have to navigate that path alone. Share your story here as it unfolds. Let others learn from your failures and successes.

 In San Francisco, CA there was a prison called Alcatraz-and it was both an island AND a rock.  It’s through the friends and connections I have made with so many friends here that I have gathered the courage to let Cyn out of the prison I had kept her in for so many years.  And if I stumble in the future or if tears should fall, I know that I have friends here who will help me rise and resume my journey. Don’t be an island!

Cyn

 

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12 Comments
  1. Autumn Valiant 3 weeks ago

    Very well done Cyn

  2. Michelle Liefde 3 weeks ago

    Awesome Cyn!! I love how you find inspiration in music! You rock my dear friend!

    Hugs,
    Michelle

  3. Gwenn Liefde 3 weeks ago

    Beautiful! Great reminder of that we are not alone and should let others in more. Thanks I needed that.

    Love,
    Gwenn

  4. Peggy Sue Williams 3 weeks ago

    Nicely written and so true!

  5. Rachael Joyous 3 weeks ago

    Cynthia, the timing of your article couldn’t be more spot-on. You have spoken beautiful words and related them to a wonderful song. I feel that although I am experiencing a multitude of emotions as full time Rachael, I still have that prison that I am still captive. I have experienced much joy and happiness being here at CDH and have gone way beyond my expectations. I know I couldn’t come out as Rachael publicly if it wasn’t for members like you who have given so much encouragement and support to me. I thoroughly enjoy chatting with you in the chat room.
    Thank you for posting this article as it has hit home with me in a deep way. You are a beautiful person.
    Hugs,
    Rachael Joyous

    • Author

      Rachael- thank you for your kind message. It is humbling to find that you have helped someone else and my honor and privilege to have the opportunity to do so.

  6. Hi Cyn , thanks , i would say we are all are an island at some point , sometimes a deserted island , no one comes by calls or cares its seems . Being trans is not looked at as being of right mind , people jump to conclusions, they don’t take the time to know the person,or they just don’t care . I’ve spent most of my life on this island and probably will die here , not because i want to but because of society , and its lack of caring and blindness . What will become of us? who will finally care and rescue us, how long ? Leslie

    • Author

      Leslie- while getting out and abut in the real world is infinitely more satisfying and empowering, I realize (as I wrote above) that not everyone can do so -for a variety of reasons. All the more reason to take advantage of this site to at least maintain contact virtually in a safe and welcoming environment. We are always glad to see you when you visit the chat room and when you comment on posts. You are NEVER truly alone!
      Cyn

      • Thanks Cyn , i know i have all of you here , its what keeps me sane and of safe mind. Leslie

  7. Rochelle Mills 2 weeks ago

    Cyn, thanks for your heartfelt article and, especially, for how you warmly welcome CDs and SOs to this wonderful community.

    • Author

      Rochelle, I am simply paying forward the benefits I received as /i was warmly welcomed nearly four years ago when I joined the site!
      Cyn

  8. Ellie Mae 1 week ago

    Cyn, you told my story. Earlier this year I had to make a decision about my desire to cross dress and I came out to my wife with a caveat that I am a cross dresser and can no longer exist in the closet. A week later she asked for a divorce which rocked my world. I’m happy to say, six months later, that I have turned a corner. We have turned a corner and in spite of us ending a 39 year marriage, we are being kind to one another and willing to negotiate honestly and fairly. I still love her but know that we can never be married again. I do believe that we will become good friends who still care about each other. Hopefully, our children will benefit and heal once they see their parents being civil and kind to one another. The good news is that Ellie (formerly known as Lacy Girl) is coming into herself and able to dress as much as she wants. I love the girls in CDH, especially you Cyn. When I was new many of the girls took me into private chat and let me express the deep sadness I felt and allowed me to grieve the loss. I now have many friends in the chat room who are happy to see me when I login. Great job on the comparison between the song we heard many times so long ago and our journey as cross dressers. I love you all! Ellie M

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