Stepping Out – Beating the Fear
By Kris Burton
Part II – From Theory to Practice/What I’ve Learned
Like so many of our persuasion, I have come to find that stepping out into the community en femme is a high point in my overall CD experience. In Part I of this totally unscientific study I applied the techniques usually associated with combating the performance anxiety that often plagues performers and public speakers to the challenge of a shy CD – myself – going out publicly. After my brief and rather impulsive first try several weeks previously, I was anxious to see how it would go with my new attitude and approach.
As it turns out this second outing – my first real one as I now see it – was far more productive, instructive, and one that could be built upon. It was the middle of the day. I drove to the local mall and was very nervous parking the car. There were people all around! I sat in the car gathering emotional strength and then forced my skinny jeaned, suede booted, pink sweatered, long brunette wigged, in light makeup to step into the light and walk to the entrance. My self-consciousness was heightened. I was aware of every step. Still, it felt as if I was in a very familiar psychological territory. I was experiencing the natural “jitters” of live performance – good old-fashioned “stage fright”. I knew I could beat it. I forged ahead and eliminated all thoughts of turning back, turning those nerves into excitement of the moment at hand. As I approached the door to the mall, I glimpsed myself in the window. It was an image of a woman, and that woman was me. I was able to say to myself “You’ve got this!”
The rest was as exhilarating as any performance would be. I was able to walk through the mall freely, as I do when presenting as my male self. More experienced CD friends had stated that the other folks at the mall would be paying little or no attention, and I found that to be the case. Still, I prepared to interact, at least on a limited basis, to do so. I went about a woman’s business; I used the ladies’ restroom and dressing rooms without question. In using just a lighter version of my natural voice, I was able to order my lunch without attracting undue notice, even being treated to a couple of “ma’ams” by the waitress. I had the door held open for me by another male customer. It was four hours, and I must say, I never had so much fun doing such everyday activities.
What have I learned? The experience was indeed similar to preparing for a performance, at least from my point of view. My excitement was heightened as I chose to focus on what could go right as opposed to what could go wrong, which went far into reinforcing my confidence in a way my haphazard first experience did not. The comfort in my presentation and surroundings eased my self-consciousness, and it felt more like I “fit in” as the day progressed, just as you feel more comfortable on stage once you begin. This small, first step became a building block to taking on more challenging venues and wearing the dressier attire I favored. A fine restaurant, concert, or venue, would require more elaborate interaction, all of which have been done since.
I also learned that although stepping out publicly can FEEL like overcoming stage fright, it differs in a significant way – one that is actually helpful when you realize it. Unlike a stage presentation, you are not the focus of attention. Even though it may feel like every eye is upon you, in truth, those around you are more focused on their own dealings than yours. Unless you do, or wear, something that deliberately attracts attention, you should be able to walk easily through the crowd as you might any other time, just prettier. Finally, realizing you can drop the hyper self-consciousness and the negativity it breeds can prove to be a confidence builder in itself.
Can your initial experience be made easier still? I think so. As any performer will tell you, it is much easier to take the stage as part of a group than a solo act. I found this is the case if you go out and about with another or several of your friends as well– and perhaps even more fun. Although it is more likely that you will be noticed, it is even less likely that you will be approached. Any self-consciousness you experience will be distributed among you. If you’ve ever played in a band or sung in a choir you know what I’m talking about. Sheer numbers can breed security and confidence, and become a wonderful, shared experience for all to remember.
However, a warning: I have found that stepping out publicly is highly addictive! If you are like me you will find that after such success, you’ll want to do it even more, just as performing onstage ignites a fire. You may find yourself inventing the need to go to the supermarket or take some nature pictures at the park en femme. I do that sort of thing regularly now and hope to find more opportunities to connect with others who feel the same way.
I hope you find my essay helpful in breaking through the barrier that may be holding you back. If you do, so many adventures lie ahead. They are yours to enjoy!
More Articles by Kris Burton
- Stepping Out – Beating the Fear: Part One
- What About The Kids – When They’re Not Kids
- Fantasy, Reality…and My Rookie Year at Keystone
- Thoughts and Musings from An Adult Beginner
So glad you enjoyed the article Leah! I think blending in with style when we go out and about is an art form in itself, one to which we should pay more attention. A tricky balance, but a satisfying one.
Kris, Thank you so much for putting these two writings together and for all of us to read and learn from. There is such sound advice in these. I may look at our outings in a bit of a different eye than you, but I assure you, we share several tactics! It’s nice to see common sense being used when out. You are very highly regarded by many of us. Thanks again, Michelle Wayne
Thank you so much Michelle! I’m glad to see my thoughts and experiences have some resonance for you and others. The comments you and others have left go a long way into building my confidence as well – such a positive symbiosis!
@krisburton
Hi Kris,
Having just gone out for the very first time this past weekend, I can relate 100% with what you experienced. People are very much uninterested in what others are doing and even if you are clocked they continue to carry on with their business. Thanks for the detailed account.
Megan❤️
@Megan Kelly – Thank you Megan – I’m glad you could relate! I think that’s one of the qualities that took me most by surprise when going out for the first time – how other folks were so in their own little world. We feel like all eyes are upon us, but they are not. That alone should put one at ease, and then when you get a door held for you or someone addresses you as ma’am – the confidence soars!
Kris
Great article and wonderful advice. Thank you very much.
Thank you Susan – I’m glad you liked the article and found it helpful.
Hi there, thx for your column. I have had a few public solo trips. I was pretty scared/nervous the first time but I quickly learned that, as you say, by far most people are only concerned about their own business and do not concentrate on examining others. Some will notice you as has happened to me, probably got made but got a big smile from a genetic woman at the same time. Then again I wear lots of color and short skirts. I did have fun on my trips and I agree that it is addicting. Makes one want to… Read more »
@krisburton
What a wonderful article – thank you so much for writing it 🙂
Hugs
Ellie x
Glad you enjoyed the article Brianna! Looks like we have discovered many of the same things in our outings, especially the fact that all eyes are not really upon you, even if it feels like it. And yes – raising the ante with each successive outing – another fun goal!
Great article Samantha. I have found over the years that once you gain the confidence it becomes even better an experience. I go out knowing and thinking now that I am a girl and not a crossdresser when presenting myself in character
It occurs to me in all this girl talk
On CDH,
We are just ordinary girls trying to live our lives S happiest way as anyone. In my case I decided that means wearing clothes of the other sex than I was born with.
That presents certain difficulties
And that it is worth it. So, Stephanie,
Get on with being the girl you know you are. Simple realizations and decision making.