Excuse me in advance, but I so want to get this out. It’s funny actually; I’ve spent 40 years hiding and being ashamed of myself (I’m 50), and then after events during the last several months, I find myself wanting to just scream it from the roof tops. (Don’t get me wrong; this post is my roof top, so it’s really more of a whisper, but I FEEL like screaming it.) Okay, to the point.
The story is the same…10ish, moms clothes, purged, married, purged, divorced, purged, married, purged, purged, purged, and then I got sober almost 3 years ago. This time, I was emotionally stable enough to begin accepting myself, the problem is that my wife doesn’t, and I honestly wasn’t sure who/what exactly I was accepting. In the spring of this year, after many little things, she decided to go through all of my clothes and purge them for me while I was at work. NOT A GOOD DAY. All the old feelings of shame came up; she actually called me a freak, and then took it back when I said, “Okay then, I guess we’re done.” Her response, “I was just trying to hurt you, I didn’t mean it.” At 50, together for 18 yrs, I stop again – how can I possibly start my life over??
THEN, I made a decision that has changed my life. I got waxed (no reason I can’t be smooth in boy clothes.) The actual event didn’t change my life, the person doing it did. We became instant friends; it’s as if we’ve been connected for lifetimes. I shared my entire story with someone for the first time ever, and more importantly, she accepted me. So much so, I can actually share Savanna with someone and not be ashamed. LIFE CHANGING EVENT!!
In all of this, my wife’s question of “How do I even know what I am” kept lingering. I’m like, I know, I’ve been wrestling with this for my entire life, but then, I still never really fit in anywhere. A few weeks ago, I finally read the term bi-gender (I don’t know why it took so long) and was like, YES THAT’S IT!!
OH MY GOD!!! I’m not a freak!! I’m actually accepted! I know what I am and who I want to be!
NOW, my boy side just had dinner with my friend’s family (her husband knows of my girl side) and it was totally cool. I’m totally in love with both of them; I told my former wife, she was totally cool. “I just want you to be happy.” OMG!! I totally still love her, too, but that’s another long story.
Sadly, I had to start over again, but I know it’s best for my wife and me.
It’s incredible; the weight that’s off of me, the sense of relief I feel, and the fact that I actually LOVE myself. It was all because of the courage I got from all of you to get waxed. Moral of the story – love your esthetician. I sure love mine!
xoxo
Savanna
UPDATE – I recently got to enjoy Savanna with my angel again. That was only the third time I’ve been fully dressed, and the first time I woke up as Savanna. My friend had to go to work, so I ended up going to breakfast with her husband (in boy mode sadly,) but still, he is well aware his wife and I had a girl’s night out. It is just amazing to know that it really is okay to be me. That shouldn’t make me this emotional to say – it’s okay to be me. That’s why I call her my angel. This angel came into my life and took away the darkness, the shame, the fear.
They have changed my life.
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- You’ve changed my life!! - January 3, 2020
Lovely photo Savanna, you look so happy, I am really pleased for you.
Jessica x.
Thank you so much Jessica. It is incredibly liberating to share my story. Thank you again for taking the time to read it and reply:)
Savanna I am so happy for you. That is an amazing story. It is wonderful that you have found a person who can love and respect you for you. And more importantly, that you can love all of yourself.
Hi Mysti, Thank you so much. I appreciate you all so much. I’m delighted to be able to share here with all of you.
xoxo
Savanna
That’s beautiful. Though I feel bad that things didn’t work out for you and your wife, it sounds like you’re in a much better place now!
Thank you Lexi
I always hope everything happens for a reason, I’m not totally sure what the reason is for all of this as of yet. I just hope that time will show this is what’s best for all of us. Everything is still happening so it’s hard to tell but it sure feels right to be honest for once.
Thank you again
Hi Savanna , lovely reading your story & you’ve got a wonderful couple to share with & despite your wife now being ex , I’m glad she’s pleased for you.
2 years ago I related to gender fluidity when I read about it. Tiff
Hi Tiff,
I’m excited to start this chapter of my journey. It’s still so new I spend a fair amount of time saying ‘WTF have I done?’ but I know deep down it is right.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story and reply
xoxo
Savanna
It can be such a rollercoaster , but if you know deep down then you’ve got to look after yourself & it’s not in a selfish way
Thank you for sharing you story with us, it is so liberating to be able simply be yourself, whatever that might be.
If that’s you in the photo, you and your friend look great, and very very happy, I’m so glad for you!
Amy
Thank you so much Amy. I’m still somewhat in disbelief that I’ve put this out in the world but that really is us:)
Thanks for sharing your story Savanna.
It’s so great to find support from folks out in the world.
Hugs…
Thank you Samantha
Hi Savanna,
Thanks so much for sharing your story with us all.
It shows what a difference a sympathetic, or at least non-judgemental ear can make.
I have found that waxers generally make really good (unofficial) therapists lol.
I wish you continued happiness as you continue on your journey.
Hugs,
Maxine.
Thank you Maxine:)
I’m not sure what the future will bring but I know it is going to be easier with the support of all of the lovely people like you out here supporting each other.
I also find that some hairdressers are a great help to talk to.
Dropping shame and guilt is the greatest “get out of jail free" card, in this play called life. Some times having just One person, say, “yeah, I’m good with you as is; I can support that", is all it takes. I have been gifted several people like that now, it began by me using the affirmation, “I am so happy and grateful to be surrounded by people who love me, support me and accept me just as I Am…Thank you" I repeated this with so much gratitude and joy that it is now my life experience. I wish this freedom… Read more »
Congrats Savanna and thanks for sharing your story. One of my mentors on this site four years ago (well several of them actually) made the profound observation that we don’t need to know “what we are” or “where our final destination lies” to be able to live our lives as we truly desire to. Life evolves and so do our perceptions of ourselves. If you wait for the “perfect moment” or “until I know exactly what I need to do”, we too often will find ourselves never moving forward. And I’m so doing we miss out on years of happiness… Read more »
This is a wonderful story. I’m not far behind you in age. I’m in a relationship where I told my fiancé of my other side and it is slowly but surely destroying our relationship. She isn’t accepting even though she says she trying but the truth of the matter comes out when we fight which is often and increasingly violent. It’s nice to hear of someone who has gained acceptance from someone in their life which in turn helps that person accept themself. I’m so glad you have accepted yourself. I accepted myself right before I came out to my… Read more »