Excuse me in advance, but I so want to get this out. It’s funny actually; I’ve spent 40 years hiding and being ashamed of myself (I’m 50), and then after events during the last several months, I find myself wanting to just scream it from the roof tops. (Don’t get me wrong; this post is my roof top, so it’s really more of a whisper, but I FEEL like screaming it.) Okay, to the point.
The story is the same…10ish, moms clothes, purged, married, purged, divorced, purged, married, purged, purged, purged, and then I got sober almost 3 years ago. This time, I was emotionally stable enough to begin accepting myself, the problem is that my wife doesn’t, and I honestly wasn’t sure who/what exactly I was accepting. In the spring of this year, after many little things, she decided to go through all of my clothes and purge them for me while I was at work. NOT A GOOD DAY. All the old feelings of shame came up; she actually called me a freak, and then took it back when I said, “Okay then, I guess we’re done.” Her response, “I was just trying to hurt you, I didn’t mean it.” At 50, together for 18 yrs, I stop again – how can I possibly start my life over??
THEN, I made a decision that has changed my life. I got waxed (no reason I can’t be smooth in boy clothes.) The actual event didn’t change my life, the person doing it did. We became instant friends; it’s as if we’ve been connected for lifetimes. I shared my entire story with someone for the first time ever, and more importantly, she accepted me. So much so, I can actually share Savanna with someone and not be ashamed. LIFE CHANGING EVENT!!
In all of this, my wife’s question of “How do I even know what I am” kept lingering. I’m like, I know, I’ve been wrestling with this for my entire life, but then, I still never really fit in anywhere. A few weeks ago, I finally read the term bi-gender (I don’t know why it took so long) and was like, YES THAT’S IT!!
OH MY GOD!!! I’m not a freak!! I’m actually accepted! I know what I am and who I want to be!
NOW, my boy side just had dinner with my friend’s family (her husband knows of my girl side) and it was totally cool. I’m totally in love with both of them; I told my former wife, she was totally cool. “I just want you to be happy.” OMG!! I totally still love her, too, but that’s another long story.
Sadly, I had to start over again, but I know it’s best for my wife and me.
It’s incredible; the weight that’s off of me, the sense of relief I feel, and the fact that I actually LOVE myself. It was all because of the courage I got from all of you to get waxed. Moral of the story – love your esthetician. I sure love mine!
UPDATE – I recently got to enjoy Savanna with my angel again. That was only the third time I’ve been fully dressed, and the first time I woke up as Savanna. My friend had to go to work, so I ended up going to breakfast with her husband (in boy mode sadly,) but still, he is well aware his wife and I had a girl’s night out. It is just amazing to know that it really is okay to be me. That shouldn’t make me this emotional to say – it’s okay to be me. That’s why I call her my angel. This angel came into my life and took away the darkness, the shame, the fear.
They have changed my life.