We are all given a moment in time that is our own and it is entirely up to ourselves how we use it, but once it has passed it is forever gone and will not come back.
Marianne is dying. I know this harsh statement will shock most of you, except for the selected few I’ve been confiding in, but it’s true. Don’t panic though, she’ll be around for some time yet, and may not even die completely, because I believe in the thought that as long as we are remembered we cannot truly die. I know she will certainly be remembered, if by nobody else, then at least by myself. How can you forget someone who may have helped save your life?
At twelve years of age, I found myself in a position where I considered ending my own life. I feel no need to go into details, but it had to do with my relations to some of my classmates and a girl I had a crush on. I wasn’t afraid to die and had no regrets for my own sake, but in the end I decided that I couldn’t go through with it because of the pain it would cause my friends and family, who wouldn’t even know why I did it. Looking back through the years, one thing hits me though. This must have happened close to the time I started crossdressing. Sure I had admired the girls around me and wished to be one of them since I was 6 or 7, maybe even earlier, but sometime around age 12 or 13 I started secretly wearing my mother’s clothes. Was that just a coincidence?
35 years later I was a husband and father of three sons and still secretly crossdressing, with only my wife knowing about my habit. At midsummer time, I had a medical emergency which led me to realize I had an early onset of Parkinson’s Syndrome. That fall I ventured out fully dressed for the first time and began interacting with people as Marianne. Could this be just another coincidence, or is there a connection?
All my life I have felt that I would rather have been a girl, and I’m sitting here thinking that maybe somehow that twelve-year-old boy unconsciously did transition, with Marianne taking control and saving him to protect herself. And much later, as I felt depressed facing the consequences of my illness, she once again intervened and showed me that life was still worth living.
Since then I have enjoyed a multitude of outings as Marianne and she has made a large number of wonderful friends around the world. Lately, however, I have been forced to realize that her end is coming close. As my illness progresses I experience a growing lack of mobility and muscle control, despite medication. I can still manage the transformation, but it takes more and more time and seldom ends up as convincing as before. Unless a revolutionary breakthrough in treatment is made during the next few years, somewhere along the line, it will no longer be worth the input of time and effort and Marianne will have to leave the physical realm and become a lingering memory in the failing brain where she once was born.
We may have swapped positions several times during our race through life but for the last couple of years Marianne has absolutely taken the lead, and for awhile we both thought she would turn out the winner. Now as the track gets rough and turns for the hills, she starts to stumble and realizes she is never going to make it to the end. So she drops her broken stick to the ground and walks away crying, leaving me to pick up the pieces. And I know that it is up to me to save her now or I will miss her immensely for the rest of my life. But do I have the strength? Or may she once again amazingly turn my life around? Whatever happens going forward, for a brief moment in time at least, she had the possibility to rightfully exist on her own terms and for that, I am forever grateful.
OMG Marianne I am so sorry to hear about your condition. I actually started to get teared up and re-read your article again just to make sure I was not missing something. I have no idea where to start about how sorry I am to hear about you. In the short time I have chatted with you I have come to enjoy your chats and company. To say that I am totally bummed out is an understatement. I seriously wish I could help you in some form but I have very little knowledge of this disease other than what I… Read more »
Thank you Sarah. Please let us continue to enjoy our company.
Marianne
Marianne, thanks for being so brave as to tell your story. I truly hope that the miracle you hope for does happen for you. I know we have talked a bit about possibilities. But Marianne is a beautiful woman and I am glad that you have allowed us into your life. I don’t know what else to say but I care about you and I truly hope and pray that what you describe doesn’t come true, but I understand reality and having to come to grips with it.
hugs
Gina
Thank you Gina, my lovely angel.
Marianne you have just made me cry. I am overwhelemd for you, and I will think about you every day from now on. A very sad yet beautiful read. Stay strong.
Thank you Sophie. Don’t cry too much for me.
Marianne, so brave so beautifull. A tender loving heart in a cruel world. I am enjoying every moment as Terri Anne and as your friend Marianne. God has a plan for us and it is a good one.
Love You, Terri Anne,
Thank you Terri Anne. I really hope there is a higher meaning in all this.
Marianne, you know I admire you for your strength and courage. Although you have told me before, it is with tears in my eyes I read your story. Just want to give you a big hug and will continue to pray for you. You are beautiful hun, in and out. Even without dressing up, Marianne will be there.
hugs and love,
Liv
Dear Liv. You know our friendship goes well beyond words. We’ve uncovered our bare souls for each other to see. I will always love and cherish you.
Marianne
Marianne,
You are courageous, thoughtful, and beautiful!
While sadly you may someday no longer have a physical presence, what you’ve shared on CDH ensures each of us fortunate enough to have encountered you will feel the presence of your grace, which will inspire us to share with others as you have shared with us.
Thank you so much for taking the time to share your perspective on the path you took through life and this ultimate challenge you face moving forward.
Kim
Thank you Kim. If my struggles and experiences can help others on their journeys, they have at least had some meaning.
Marianne,
I just started reading some of your posts yesterday and really enjoyed what you had written. I can’t express my feelings upon reading this. Of course I, as all our sisters here, wish you all the best and hope for that miracle cure.
Thanks so much for this beautiful, if heart rending, post. It really puts small worries and petty problems in perspective.
You are beautiful. Take care.
Hugs and kisses,
Tricia Lynn
Thank you Trisha for your encouraging words and wonderful compassion for someone you have only just spotted in an online community. I hope to make your acquaintance and would love to hear what posts you have read and your thoughts about them.
Thanks for sharing your feelings, Marianne. It was a sad reading in part. On the other hand there was a gift of hope and fighting spirit. I admire your courage to face the disease. I feel that Marianne is impregnated in your soul and you will not lose her. You do not deserve my tears but a loving hug. You are so strong. I look forward to enjoying your company for a long time at CDH.
Cinnamon kisses,
Gisela.
Thank you Gisela. Though we just met a few days ago in chat I sense a strong woman in you too.
Dear Lissa, thank you for your concern.
I hope for the best but must be prepared to face whatever comes my way.
Marianne
Marianne my heart goes out to you. I usually find something to say but it’s not so. Life deals out so many mysteries and some come in not being fair in life itself. Since being here many have crossed my path but through those there’s only been a few that attracted my interest. How they talk, how they act and show themselves here in their compassionate acts, their courtesy to others and in communicating of love and understanding. You my love are of those here. To see you here puts a smile on my face as it does to many.… Read more »
Thank you Stephanie. I was unaware that I meant so much to you and many more. Be sure I will be here as long as I possibly can wether Marianne can still make a physical appearance or have to live on only in spirit.