One of the most frequent questions I'm asked on comments at Crossdresser Heaven or through private email is:
How Do I Tell My Wife I Crossdress?
I can feel the fear and uncertainty as I read the words of husbands, some of whom are to the point of despair. How will my wife react when she finds out her husband is a crossdresser? Will she leave me? What's the best way to tell her I crossdress?
When answering I try and share some advice based on my experience, the experience of others I know and from resources I've read. Unfortunately there is no "one size fits all" answer. Each person is unique, the dynamics of each couple are unique. When one wife hears of her husband's crossdressing she may feel revolted, another may look forward to going out with her new girlfriend - and in case you feel I'm exaggerating on the latter point, I encourage you to read My Husband Betty.
All this is to say, I share this advice from my heart with the best intentions. I encourage you to carefully consider your unique relationship as you decide whether and how you will share your crossdressing with your wife.
Telling Your Wife You Crossdress - A Case Study
Peggy and Melanie (aka Mel) are probably the most famous crossdressing couple. Peggy's book My Husband Wears My Clothes is one of the most well-known and widely read books on crossdressing from a wife's perspective. I thought it might be valuable to start with how Mel first told Peggy that he was a crossdresser. Watch Peggy and Mel's story in the video below:
Mel did a few things right when he told Peggy:
- He was sincere and vulnerable. Mel poured his heart out, sharing his life story about how he'd been dealing with crossdressing since a young age. This is not the time to get defensive, to try and justify yourself or force your wife to understand.
- He emphasized again that he loved her. When hearing their husband is a crossdresser many women wonder if they're still loved - is he gay? Can he still love me and wear woman's clothes?
- He gave her time. Initially it was a few hours as Peggy read and digested his letter, but the journey to shared understanding happened over time without being rushed.
- He shared what he knew about crossdressing. We're more fortunate today, there are many resources to draw on, but even then many women - especially the older generation - have no understanding, or only a vague misunderstanding of crossdressing (read the myths of crossdressing).
I think part of the reason Peggy and Mel are still happily married is because he shared his secret in such a loving, vulnerable and caring way.
Peggy has commented that, "Crossdressers make really good husbands once you get past the shock of breaking away from the expected"
Telling Your Wife You're a Crossdresser:
Vanessa Tells Her Wife She's a Crossdresser
Telling my wife-to-be was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. I feared that I would lose her, that the person I love most in the world would leave me and not look back. I had tried many times before then to quit crossdressing, each time without success. I knew that my desire to crossdress wouldn't go away with the wedding vows, and that living a lie to save my marriage would eventually end up tearing me - tearing us - apart. Knowing didn't make it any easier.
A few months before we were to get married I wrote my fiance a letter and laid my heart bare. I told her how much I loved her, how much I feared hurting her - losing her. I shared the agony of my decision to tell her, my experience since I was a young child. I shared my attempts to break free from crossdressing, my confusion, heartache and my eventual acceptance of who I was. I let her know that I love her, that we can talk through it at her pace, that this doesn't change anything about how I feel about her. I told her that I wasn't gay, that I had no desire for a sex change (completely true at the time). Along with the letter I enclosed a copy of Peggy's book - My Husband Wears My Clothes.
Talking through it in the early days with my fiance was at many times an emotionally taxing experience. My wife and I still have long, sometimes passionate, sometimes difficult conversations about crossdressing. Yet I still consider that one of the great blessings in my life is the advice I got from friends to tell her before we were married. This gives her a chance to work through it in her own time, without feeling trapped by marriage, without resenting you for tricking her into marriage and then telling her you're a crossdresser.
I'm almost certain that if I hadn't told her then that we would no longer be together today. It's still important for me to remember to go at her pace, not to rush her into it, and to respect her desire for some space and time to think.
Have you shared your crossdressing with those you love?
Please comment and let us know how you did it, what worked and what didn't. I know that others who read this website will find your comments and thoughts a blessing.
Ladies - has your husband shared his crossdressing with you? What did he do well and where did he totally blow it?
If you're here to learn more about crossdressing - perhaps your husband or boyfriend is a crossdresser - I wrote an article a few months ago entitled "I married a crossdresser". Perhaps with time, love and understanding from your husband you may realize as Peggy did, "I realized that, perhaps it was the feminine side I'd fallen in love with anyway".
EDITOR NOTE: Crossdresser Heaven has a program exclusively for Significant Others. You'll be able to discuss issues in private with other SOs. Explore our Significant Other Program and contact JaneS if you are interested or would like further information. We would love to welcome you.
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