I married a cross dresser

When you marry the man you love, you hope for a life of bliss - your own 'happiness ever after', but even the most optimistic of us will expect some challenges along this wonderful journey called marriage. You probably didn't expect him to utter these fateful words, 'Honey, I'm a Cross Dresser'.

A few weeks ago I wrote an article about what to do if your boyfriend is a cross dresser.

Today I'll address some of the most common questions from wives who find out that their husband is a cross dresser. I highly recommend that you buy a copy of the book My Husband Wears My Clothes. It was written a few years ago by Peggy Rudd, a PhD and wife of a cross dresser. She provides loving insight into the how and why of cross dressing.

My husband wears my clothes

My husband wears my clothes

So what do you do when you find out for the first time? The most important thing to realize is that it is okay to feel shocked, uncertain and confused. It's not every day that you meet a cross dresser, much less find out that your husband is one!

The next thing to realize, is that he is telling you this because he loves and trusts you deeply. He is probably just as scared as you are right now. You both need to be careful not to say anything that would hurt the other person.You're both in a sensitive position. While you should respect that he it is difficult for him to share with you, you should also expect him to go as fast or as slow as you can handle.

The first thing to do is reassure him that you love him. This will be tough to do. You're shocked and not in full control of your emotions, but even though you just discovered your husband is a cross dresser you need to show love.

So now you may be wondering:
He's a cross dresser, is he gay? Probably not, most cross dressers are heterosexual

Why didn't he tell me about his crossdressing sooner? This one is tricky, ideally he would have shared with you before you were married. Most likely he thought he could control it, he thought that being married would quell the urge to cross dress. That hardly ever (never) happens, and he probably put it off for so long because he was afraid of how you would react. Ironically, he has hid this secret from you for so long because he loves you so much!

Why does he cross dress? Phew, an even tougher but great question. I explored this in some detail in my article 'why do men cross dress'. The short answer is that no one knows for sure and many men have different reasons for why they cross dress, but most describe it as a need, an urge that won't go away.

How can I make him stop cross dressing? You're asking all the right questions love, but you probably won't like the answer to this one. You can't stop him from cross dressing. Sure, you'll fight and he'll promise not to cross dress, but a few months later you'll find a pair of size 12 pink pumps in the wardrobe...

Does he want a sex change? Probably not. There are fewer transsexuals than cross dressers, so it is less likely that your husband has a desire to change his sex. Most cross dressers are happily married and only enjoy dressing part time.

So now what do I do? As I mentioned above, reassure him that you love him. Spend a lot of time in deep, open conversation with him about his desire to cross dress. Learn as much as you can about it (I know I sound like a used car salesman, but trust me buy this book!). Learn to compromise - let this grow you closer together rather than split you apart. Work with your husband to set limits that you are comfortable with as well. If you don't want him to dress when your friends are around; let him know.

Tri-Ess has some great information and a Crossdressers wives bill of rights which makes for a great starting point as you and your husband come to a fair compromise about his cross dressing. There are many other good resources on the Internet. Also, take some time to explore Cross Dresser Heaven, I've gathered a number of resources that may be valuable for you.

Good luck, and please contact me if you need any support or advice!

Hugs,

Vanessa

P.S. Thanks to my lovely wife for reviewing this article before I posted it. As much as we listen, we need to be open to the precious woman in our lives - they are often trying to tell us more.

Leave a Reply

209 comments

  1. tslesley 14 July, 2015 at 18:16 Reply

    I told my wife right at the beginning of our life together in 1985. For me the urge & feelings got stronger & stronger. I hid the dressing as female away, while our boys grew up. But it made me severely depressed & I had a nervous breakdown. So I came out to my sons aged 14 & 18 at the time & they were fine about it. Once my youngest left mainstream school. He said now you can get the help you need. 5 years on from that & have been living full time as the woman I always knew I was, for almost 4 years. My surgery is this September (2015). My boys never wanted to cross dress etc, but are very protective of us both. My wife is still with me & we are very strong together. Not many turned away. But if they didn’t want us to be happy, they don’t deserve to be in our lives. You only get one life, live it & love it. If your partner & any children are Ok with your cross dressing, that’s all that matters. xx

    • Vanessa L 22 July, 2015 at 23:48 Reply

      A wonderful inspiration hon! I’m so happy to hear how strong your family has been through all of this. Best of luck with your upcoming surgery!!

    • Anthony 15 July, 2015 at 09:25 Reply

      Something I have struggled with personally. I think ,me personally, that a child’s sexuality is dormant; their minds are occupied with figuring out how the mechanical world works. Why does the sun come up? Why do I put shoes on my feet ? Adding adult gender rolls to their menu makes them skip some of the basics. Kinda like ,which is more interesting ? , the shiny rock or the the grey rock.
      The child sees for the most part mommies and daddies ,female and male ,respectively, then if all a sudden your daddie becomes a mommy ; it’s just too distracting for the child. I can’t say that the situation is harmful but it does become predominate in the child’s mind.

      • janedon 15 July, 2015 at 18:17 Reply

        I’m not so shure about that IF it’s handled in a responsible(Adult) way–
        We(wife& I) have been through this MANY times over with friends/family& even nieghbours kids over the yrs—The most effective& accepted thing to say is very simple–
        “He likes to play Dressup-The kids say OK & go about playing with their toys or friends-The subject rarely comes up again —
        Problems are most likely going to come from Adults-

      • Vanessa L 22 July, 2015 at 23:47 Reply

        Hey Anthony,
        I’m not a sociologist or psychologist, though my impression would be that children easily accept the world that is and don’t bring the baggage of value judgements into it like an adult would do. Sure, daddy dressing up like mommy might be interesting for a day (or an hour), but very soon they’ll consider it normal and get on with the business of discovering all the foreign things out there (like seeing if they can fly by jumping off the couch)

        • Lori 13 August, 2015 at 12:53 Reply

          If I may, I have expreience with this as I have children. They are grown up now, and I am not a CD but transsexual. I agree with Vanessa with children accepting easier than we might think. The only problem was that my son was picked on because of me.

  2. Alicia 12 April, 2013 at 07:54 Reply

    Hi myself I got lucky i been cross dressing since I was ten years old I used to take my mom and sister bra and panties and wear them when I could as I got older I though I grew out of it but no I used to dress for my wife and she loved it it made our sex better I got with another girl few year later I didn’t know how she feel about it I started out telling her I love wearing panties she was ok with it then it got to more and more I couldn’t stop still cant I started hormones the more I look and felt like a female the more she loved me now I have real breast long hair so I don’t have to wear a wig I have more women clothes then women I don’t like wearing anything but women I was so scared I told my daughter about me she was ok with it now at chirstmas they buy me women clothes and stuff which I love no matter what I wear I am always in women panties they are so comfy I go out dressed as a female when I can I love my life I wish you all the best of luck don’t give up Alicia

  3. Lori 29 March, 2013 at 10:58 Reply

    Someone said a lot of people worry about what others might say or think. I worry more about the violence. I’m afraid someone might beat me up or worse. I hear so much about transgender people getting hurtit worries me.

    • cuckholddon 30 March, 2013 at 09:12 Reply

      Yes-safety can still be a concern-BUT -If more of us don’t get out in public-things will Never get better!

  4. Tabitha Anderson 28 March, 2013 at 15:43 Reply

    Hi, My name is Tabitha Anderson. I had read what you had said about cross dressing. I had also just purchased the book “MY HUSBAND WEARS MY CLOTHES”. I have not read it yet. I am writing you to say that I have been married for 4 years to my husband and have been with him for 10 years. He had told me that he was a cross dresser when we had gotten together before we were married. I hate to sound mean but I have asked him several times to stop and had called him gay. maybe now I can get some insight from the book and not think that. I have no problem with him wearing my coats, skirts, or shirts. I have a problem when it comes down to him wanting to buy a pair of stilitos. 6 inches. I don’t even wear high heels. He says that likes wearing high heels because its tight on his feet and the embarrassment. I don’t like feeling like that. I let him go out sometimes dressed up in gowns and coats with purses. We have 3 boys together and I don’t want their father to see them like that. Is there a possibility that they will turn out that way too? I am not against gays or lesbians. I just don’t want my children growing up thinking its ok to dress like dad. please if you could give me some of your insights on the subject, that would be appreciated. thank you

    • cuckholddon 29 March, 2013 at 08:48 Reply

      This is confusing-You knew,it bothered you& you got married anyway!!!
      Kids are the most accepting of differance of all humans(unless they are taught intolerance& hate)!
      Wife& I raised 5 kids-now have grandkids& they all know& accept my dressing &-You know what-they are more conservitive that wife or I!!
      Think of it this way-Are you Excatly the same as YOUR mother!!!!!

    • Brenda 19 May, 2013 at 03:58 Reply

      Hi Tabitha,
      First of all, it’s very late, but I felt the need to respond. I jumped back to the beginning because the paragraphs could have been better organized, but i’m so tired.

      I am a straight cross-dresser. I’m forty three and i’ve never had sex with a man. And, I never will. I absolutely adore women! I love everthing about them. The way they look, the way the feel and smell, the way they think. And, I really love the way they carry themselves, they’re so graceful and beautiful. Just look at the way a man walks compared to a woman.

      There are many more straight cross-dressers out there than you could possibly imagine. Straight cross-dressers very rarely come out of the closet because of precisely what you did to your husband. Why would you ridicule a man you supposidly love. Also, what does him wanting to wear heels matter whether you do or not. It makes me crazy when I hear people getting so upset about such a small things like cross-dressing. Is he beating you, is he cheating on you, is he abusing you or your children, those are things to worry about.

      Even if your children accidentally saw your husband in drag, do you really believe that will make your children want to cross-dress or make them gay? If you do, that is absolutely insane. Every gay person i’ve ever met has told me they were born that way. Most knew by the time they hit puberty they were gay or bi sexual, whatever. Also, the fact that your husband likes cross-dressing, let me be the first to tell you, he was born with that kink or fetish. If you tell him to quit, he may throw everything away, but guess what? He will rebuy and hide it from you eventually. Many cross-dressers do that on there own. They throw every thing out and then rebuy, throw everything out and rebuy. Cross-dressers who are just getting started don’t want to be cross-dressers. Why would anyone want this hardship. Most people don’t accept it and you’re completely misunderstood. I said in the beginning because once you learn to love yourself, you can enjoy cross-dressing as if it were a gift. I do!! Do you really want him hiding a huge part of his life from you? If so, tell him he needs to quit.

      By the way, if your children were to accidenatally see him in drag, there are many things you could tell them. We were invited to a costume party and this may be your dads costume, isn’t that silly? Your father is goofing off with my clothes. Your father always tells me I take to long to get ready, now he knows how time consuming it is. Whatever!!!

      Your husband brought up liking the embarrassment. To put this in the simplest of terms, your husband is kinky. In your husband’s mind, he knows men aren’t supposed to wear womans clothes. It’s taboo! When he wears womens clothes he gets a sexual charge out of it. It turns him on. The more feminine the clothing the bigger the turn on. The highest heels, the brightest lipstick, the frilliest panties. I will guarantee he would love for you to play a dominant role in the bedroom. I’ll tell you how I know that in a second. If you open your mind, and open your heart, you will have the best sex of your life. You will spice up your marriage in ways you can’t possibly imagine. You will have a much stronger bond, I swear. You don’t have to be kinky everytime you have sex, even if you do it now and then, it will improve your marriage. I understand your husband because he has the same kinks/fetishes as I have. I’ve been very lucky to have understood what I needed to be happy in life. My sex life with my girlfriend is heaven on earth.

      The embarrassment aspects in the kinky community is called humiliation play. In your husbands and my situation it starts with the woman taking control,”Female Domination”. I know about this because I love this type of play. I’ll give examples of what I think you husband wants. Please be open minded this may be something you may find very strange. My girlfriend gets unbelievably turned on by the power of this type of play and you may also. Just try it, please.

      Get into the mindset, you are the boss. You are a beautiful Diva. Use your imagination. You can do anything you want, take total control. First, make him dress-up. You don’t even need to start with him being fully dressed. Maybe just make him wear lipstick, or heels, or both. Go to your bedroom and sit on the bed. Maybe spring this on him. Okay you want to dress, i’m going to make that happen. If you’re going to do it, you’ll do it my way. Tell him to put some lipstick and some heels on. Have him stand in front of you, as you look him over like an inspection. This will excite him because it will embarrassment him. Humiliation play may sound cruel to some, but I assure you, it’s a huge turn on. Make him walk sexy. Tell him he’s pretty. Tell him he’s a good girl. Make up a femme name for him. Call him Lisa, or Susan, whatever. Paddle him if he doesn’t do something the way you want. These things will be hard for him to do, he will be humiliated. But, it will turn him on more than he’s ever been before. One thing that was incredibly difficult for me was I was told to dance in front of my girlfriend while she sat on the bed and watched. OMG, that was horribly embarrassing, I almost couldn’t do it. I was threatened with not being able to orgasm that night, so I did it. OMG, it turned me on like you wouldn’t believe!! Take control!!! As you’re doing this you can make him do all the things you like. If you like back rubs, tell him to rub your back. If you like your feet being kissed, make him kiss your feet. If you like to make out, if you want him to go down on you, make him. You are the boss! Make it a game. Some things may be to embarrassing, you can feel that out, but be strict. Maybe give him a choice between two differnt things. I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but I know a woman who used this type of play to get her husband to do house chores. lol No Joke. If you don’t do the dishes we’re not playing tonight. lol

      I know this went all over the place. I’ve been up for twenty six hours. I wanted to explain what he meant by liking the embarrassment of wearing femme things. He will be embarrassed by “doing” femme things, he will be embarrassed if you treat him femme, as well.

  5. intrested 18 January, 2013 at 22:37 Reply

    lets talk about our fetishes and or thoughts ,fantasies.we can confide in each other,maybe become friends.wandering4andme at y-hoo dot com

  6. satin lover 30 December, 2012 at 09:58 Reply

    I like to wear womens underwear. Silky satin and lace, smooth, shiny, stretchy underwear. Actually, I love to wear womens’ underwear. I even sleep each night in a long satin nightdress and panties. For me it is strictly a case of sexual arousal – I have no interest in becoming a woman or even being seen dressed as a woman outside my house other than as a “caught” scenario fantasy to enhance masturbation. Neither have I any interest in men – again excepting fantasy role play instructions from a dominant woman to perform sexual acts on another man (actually doing it is not attractive in the least). The feminine side of wearing lingerie is appealing and adds to the submissive role I enjoy in my fantasies, but I have no desire to be anything other than the man I am. My fantasies are about my being dressed in bra, panties, stockings, slips and suspenders by a dominant woman and then used sexually by her. I do not want to wear makeup or wigs unless required to during role play and I know how ridiculous I would look trying to really pass myself off as a woman. The feel of silky satin underwear and the restrictive sensation of stretchy satin control panties and corsets or elastic bra and suspender straps is incredibly arousing, but the point is that the underwear is feminine; it’s meant for women to wear. One of the main components of my fetish is the embarrassment at being a man dressed in ladies undies, being called a sissy or a girl and being made to perform sexual acts for the satisfaction of a beautiful woman. As the submissive partner doing whatever I am instructed to by a forceful or manipulative woman whilst dressed in feminine underwear is so stimulating to my imagination – all the time being kept in a heightened state of arousal in the hope of an eventual release of sexual tension. Most of this is, of course, just wishful thinking and imagination, as it probably is for most crossdressers or tranvestites or whatever you want to call us. I just think of it as my fetish, because, I admit, I’m very embarrassed by it. Whenever I dress up for a session of masturbation I am incredibly aroused and enjoy myself immensely, however, as soon as I have climaxed my shame kicks in and I can’t get undressed quick enough. I have had partners in the past who have perhaps put a pair of panties on me before sex for a giggle but I’ve never had the courage to say just how much I liked it or that I would like to go further. I just wish that women would realise that men like me are not gay, do not want to prance around in a tutu or become a woman and would be fantastically faithful and grateful partners if they could get over what must initially be, I’m sure, a very disconcerting disclosure. I’ve been on my own now for a long time, and, though I’ve had some chances at relationships, I’ve always steered clear to avoid the awful day when I would have to confess my fetish and hope that I had met an understanding lady. I’m not sure how many women there are in the world like that. In fact I’m quite sure that some of the letters supposedly from understanding wives on these sites are actually from men with hopeful and active imaginations. However I live in hope. Perhaps one day I’ll meet someone I like enough to take a chance. I will be sure though, to tell all before the relationship goes too far. I think in all conscience, that’s what I must do.

  7. Ed 24 December, 2012 at 21:12 Reply

    I used to crossdress on ocassionally before my wife and I had children, but just stopped after our first child was born. Now that our last one has grown and moved out of the house my wife restarted my crossdressing for me. She came home one day recently with a shopping bag filled with a large amount of panties, bras and nightgowns for me. Last weekend she took me out to buy more dresses and bras. With all the new technology around these days she has me model for her completely made up as a woman, with all my different dresses and nightgowns, using her smartphone to take pictures of me. She encourages me to wear women’s clothing, heels, a wig and makeup all the time at home now. What used to be a mild fetish for me a long time ago has now become my wife’s full blown fetish. I do not mind at all, and am very happy to make myself into a woman without any concern that my wife might object. It is too bad that we live in a world that is quick to condemn anyone that doesn’t fit into the standard male/female roles laid out by society. I am very lucky to have a wife that is so open minded and actively taking a part in my crossdressing. If she had not encouraged this after our children moved out I probably would not have ever crossdressed again. I am glad that she did though.

  8. debbie 17 December, 2012 at 13:14 Reply

    I have been doing more research and found this forum. It was a shock to come home early and catch my husband walking about in bra and panties. He says he bought them and only has worn them once. I thought about discussing this with a close girl friend but I do not want her thinking “ewwww, TMI”. What does everyone think? Shall I belive him and would this be ok for girl talk with a couple girl friends?

    Debbie

    • cuckholddon 30 December, 2012 at 16:39 Reply

      debbie-Talk with people but more 1 on one-but probably lots of differant folks for differant outlooks!
      Think about it Logicly–Is his dressing Harmful to you in anyway?-(besides what a few of your closed minded friends might think!
      Do you care about the man?
      Can you imagine working this into your lifestye!
      Just because it’s differant-Does that make it Bad(in your mind)?

  9. Heidi 14 December, 2012 at 15:25 Reply

    Hello, I have not told my wife yet and I wish I could. I have kids also and thats one reason I havent. I dont thing they would understand at all. My wife I dont know. She like to “hump” me and definitly likes to tease on top. although when we have sex, she just never seems to get into it. I have hinted and been almost caught several times but she seems to denie it. Sh does make comments at me and everyonce in a while she looks at me that certain way you only know after 10 years of being married. Ever since I was a kid I like the feel of womens clothes. I like feeling sexy. I always wrestle with the idea of is it just sexual or what I like. I think both. I have tried stopping over and over. I always start again. This time I have a big collection and heck dont even buy male clothes anymore for myself. I love wearing womens clothes so much that I can waste days just modeling clothes. It actually is a problem. I wish my wife knew so I didnt have to hide it and live two lives which takes up a lot of time. Anyway I have never told anyone or written anything like this before. I would love comments and advice.

    Heidi

    • Lori 16 December, 2012 at 13:17 Reply

      Heidi,

      Why is it a problem? Is it because you have not told your wife? Heidi, you will never stop. It is part of you. What did you mean your wife makes comments at you? You say your wife never seems to get into it. But before that you said she likes to hump and tease you. I don’t understand. What does telling your wife have to do with your kids? You can tell your wife without telling the kids. What I think you need is to get some counseling with someone that deals with gender identity.
      ~Lori

    • cuckholddon 25 December, 2012 at 13:22 Reply

      Heidi–Children are the Most accepting in society-the younger the More accepting–Hiding things from them(or anyone) just makes it more of a shock& you will have larger problems later!

  10. cuckholddon 10 December, 2012 at 10:10 Reply

    A lot of us married crossdressers had no ideal we were intrested in this when we were young–We’ve changed with time!
    The same as changing tastes in food or what cars we like-We discover new things all through life!
    Cuckhold Don London Ontairo

  11. Lori 23 November, 2012 at 06:51 Reply

    Hello everyone,
    I am so very sad to say my wife of 26 years passed away November 12, 2012. I can’t tell you how much I miss her. I am lost without her. She was my everything. She accepted me as soon as I told her about me. She never had a problem with it. We had names for each other. I called her Angel and she called me Pookie Bear. We told each other everyday we loved each other and we hugged and kissed everyday. I just can’t believe she’s gone. I feel like this is a bad dream.

  12. Lori 4 October, 2012 at 00:01 Reply

    Well, see my wife accepted me as me that wasn’t the problem. It was my son at first. He told me when he was a teenager he didn’t accept that part of me. My daughter had always told me she had no problem with it. Then after she went to college and was living at the dorm she emailed me to tell me what a bad parent I was because of this part of me. She told me that I was wrong for being who I was. Now that they live on their own I believe I was wrong to live openly in front of them. I should have hid it from them. I hate myself for coming out to them. I do feel I was being selfish.

  13. Lisa 24 September, 2012 at 03:05 Reply

    Im 33 yrs old my husband is 45 yrs old we have not long been married goin on 3 yrs. last yr he came to me and told me had to tell me something, I didnt know what was coming but never imagined what he told me. He had said yrs back 20ish he had dressed up in womans cloths and used toys on him self and had them used on him by previous gf and he enjoyed it. Then he said approx 10 yrs ago he had a bi experience with another man he said the experience was enjoyable although he did freak out a little when he ejaculated got his cloths and left. Few yrs went by he was single at this time he would go to motel for a day dress up and use toys on himself he went through phases where he would buy cloths, make up, wigs, high heals, toys, ect. dress up. Then he would start to feel guilty and throw it all away. When he told me all this I was in shock didnt know what to say, think or do, I didnt really say much of nothing but sure didnt like it. I tried to put it out of my mind and thought it was his past I tried to forget it and yes my worst fear was him bringing it up wanting to do it again.
    Our sex life has had its up and downs I guess I can say. My husband has heart problems and is on meds as well. When we met he said he had a low sex drive as mine was alot higher we didnt have sex often went through stages kinda was once a week at times, we played around watched porn couple times a week, then went back to maybe once a week, then every other week then maybe once a month. It started becoming a problem I just felt as he didnt want me or as if I didnt turn him on and he swear it wasnt me just low sex drive. I finally stopped trying to turn him on or mess with him sexually as I would get the let down feeling, it hurt. That went on for some time and my husband came to me and suggested I find me a fwb to satisfy a need he wasnt filling. It took me a few months to accept it and finally did. My husband found me a fwb set it up but one condition he wanted to see pics. The thought of me doin this really seemed to turn him as the pics did as well.
    My husband started making comments about dressing up again and all finally one day I just gave in and went with it I dont know why maybe to get some the attention from him Ive been wanting again and was trying to understand and make him happy. I went bought a wig and we both went the adult store got toys, lingerie and make up went home he went in bathroom put make up and came out we played around I used toy on him. Although it was awkward and I didnt have a clue what I was doing I guess it wasnt that bad but very different seeing him dressed as a woman. He said then he didnt want to do it again as it was awkward. Few months went by he brings it up again by this time our sex life is much of nothing and he looks at craigslist alot all categories and watches porn alot (shemale,cross dressing, stapon, ext.) jacks off doing so on his rain days and to be honest that really bothers me because of our sex life he deprives me from it and makes me feel as he would rather jack off then have sex with me. Hes brought up and made comments about the glory hole till I got tired of hearing it I finally said to go even though I really didnt want him to I told him I was fine with it so he went said nothing happen but he went a few times through out the weeks. My husband says he’s bi bottom and has fantasy were he is dressed up in lingerie and gets banged by a guy in another words he wants to be someones bitch. As I love my husband and would do most anything to please him and make him happy Im trying to understand and be open as I can about this all so we try playing again with each other. I did his make up this time was fun doin it as we joked around and all during. I took pics of him dressed up didnt really look to bad I did good job lol then we fooled around I took charge pleased him with toy. I didnt want to be pleased was trying to let it be about him we finished wasnt bad he really seemed enjoy it. Not long after that he wanted to bring a man into so would be the 3 of us, I agreed was willing to try but when it happened I wanted to leave I didnt want to be there and the next day I really didnt want my husband to touch me had alot going through my mind and told my husband it made me sick to my stomach. After that he didnt bring it up for awhile and didnt want to talk about it he still watched porn when I wasnt home and all. Its caused alot of arguments we have never fussed till this and seems this is all we fuss about, our lack of sex life and bi stuff. Couple months ago he brings it up again same stuff glory hole, ect. but now our sex life is nothing as he says its not staying hard says its the meds but has been on meds almost 6 months pretty much all the passion and all is gone except for the kisses on the forehead in the mornings and being held at night if we not fussin about this. I try to tell him how I feel and there is more than sex in a relationship but a woman still needs to feel wanted and physical touch. Anyway he goes to the glory hole and this time somethng happens he give a man oral and gave guy hand job and went into a both with a guy and the guy fked him and he said he loved it. That weekend I got alot of attention kisses ect and him thanking me for letting him do it and now wants to take it further. He wants us to experience this with another man again or men. We still agrue about it and about our sex life and lack of it, its hard even though Im trying to understand and be open its hard as hell and puttin a big strain on us. Im not sure what more I can do.. I just my husband to be my husband and want me.

    • Marlene 24 September, 2012 at 16:05 Reply

      Hi Lisa, your story sounds so very familiar and common and I’d love to write my response although I know it would be a detailed and long response in which I don’t have time to respond right now at the moment. Feel free to email me sometime or I could write a response soon when I have the time to do so. My email is m2fcdgirl@yahoo.com and my name is Marlene if you want to write me and talk about this. Otherwise, I will try to respond on here as soon as possible.

      ~hugs~

      Marlene

    • Deedee 3 October, 2012 at 14:06 Reply

      Well Lisa, I actually divorced my husband over the same scenario. After we divorced he was able to come and talk to me and I understood a lot better. We became friends after that and actually had A number of sexual encounters that were quite enjoyable. I found when dressed he became very submissive and though we didn’t have conventional sex, he loved to perform orally, which I not only enjoyed, I started to prefer it. I taught him to do makeup, how to dress properly, walk and talk. It turned out to be rather fun. After a while we drifted apart and I know that he took hormones and now lives as a shemale 24/7.

      I would suggest you try the approach of oral sex, and if you want the real thing find a man on your own, someone you feel sexually attracted to. After you feel comfortable with it, let him watch, or even do clean-up duty. You don’t have to feel less in love with your husband, and your male friend need only be a sexual outlet. Some men just feel inferior and want their wives to have other men, maybe he is one of them. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, he just has a strong need for a very different outlet for his sexual needs and desires. Some of them end up like my ex-, wanting to live their lives as a woman. If that happens and you can deal with it, you would simply have a girlfriend instead of a husband.

      • cuckholddon 17 December, 2012 at 08:22 Reply

        De–Very sound advice!
        It’s good to see some common sense rather than people getting overly emotional to the level where reason is not possible!

  14. pattypuss 8 September, 2012 at 04:15 Reply

    HI FOLKS:

    I wasn’t abused as a child, but did sleep with my stepmother and think she willingly let me play with her, pretending to sleep. In elementary school, I would get home by myself and dress up in her panties, bra, garter belt and masturbate into her panties. If she knew from doing the wash, she never said.

    Very heterosexual history many years later, but still love to wear women’s undergarments a lot and have been married a long time. “Good news” is my wife actually likes for me to pretend to be a woman sexually and pleasures my mouth as if it is vagina and tongue as clitoris and likes me to “hide” my package and loves for me to do oral sex for her. Sometimes she will let me put her panties on, but not usually?

    So, when she’s away, I sneak downstairs, put on her silkiest panties, a nice blue half slip, and take a dildo type device and pretend I’m being really taken by a man and cum into her panties. If she sees this doing laundry, she never mentions it.

    I would like to take to next level and more fully dress up and have her fully undress me and seducee me as a woman, but she seems afraid to go that far. I know she had some lesbian quick hits with close friends many years ago and still seems to fantizie about that eiether form my pleasure, hers or both.

    Advice?

  15. M 5 September, 2012 at 20:12 Reply

    My boyfriend of almost 3 months has increasingly added more time to the time he spends dressed fully as a woman. Makeup, wig, the high heeled shoes. I need to see the man he is during the weekends that we spend together but for a while now the whole time he is dressed as a woman and hides his manhood in his pink panties. He made a comment to me early on that he could easily be a lesbian. I think this statement has become the truth because he has distanced himself from me now. I am not one and I need to see the man that I became attracted to.

    • Marlene 6 September, 2012 at 06:56 Reply

      You and your boyfriend that cross dresses need to have a balance in your relationship. I too, have an accepting girlfriend that is very supportive, encouraging, and accepting of my cross dressing hobby and lifestyle although I’m content being a man most of the time and I also enjoy my time en femme with her but cross dressing does not dominate the relationship in any way. I informed my girlfriend within a couple days after we met that I was an avid cross dresser before we decided to start dating. We have a good balance of when I am in man mode and when I am in femme mode and it works great for us.. best wishes … ~hugs~ Marlene

    • Cheryl 6 September, 2012 at 16:16 Reply

      Hi M. I know exactly what he is going thru. As I have been married for 28 years I know exactly what you are going thru. Crossdressing can be and is very addicting. The pure feeling of relaxation and freedom is really undescribable. We want it as much as humanly possible. If I let my guard down I would dress every day. Having said that I do realize that My wife married me the man. She is accepting of Cheryl but she has the need for me to be with her more than Cheryl. I get it. I happen to like being me also. When my wife and I first came to the agreement that Cheryl could co exist within our relationship, I went a little crazy myself. It is so easy to do. We have a strong desire to be accepted and be able to dress with our partners without fear of reprisal. When we get that we go a little off the deep end. Kind of like a child with a ten pound bag of candy. As long as you are accepting of it then be accepting. When he is dressed, actively participate with him/her. That is so appreciated. At the same time you need to set and talk. It’s kind of a hey, i get that you like to dress and thats cool but I have a need for you to spend some man time with me. My wife and I had this conversation and one of the things that she did to help me was to be me when I wasn’t. Let me break that down for you. I have a fetish for the fresh dressed woman. I love to see a woman fully decked out. The makeup, dress heels nylons etc. I am sure you get the picture. So what she did to help me not dress so much was to dress up herself. It really worked for me. That is just something that worked for us. Now as to having balance in the relationship, that is so true. Initially it is hard for us to understand because we eating out of that 10lb bag of candy. The bottom line is you have to communicate, set guidelines (not rules) and it really helps if you actiively participate with your partner dressed or not dressed. I hope you find some words of wisdom from this. Be a partner!

  16. jennylace 1 September, 2012 at 14:32 Reply

    I was brought up as a girl from birth we were poor and my mom would have me wear my sisters clothes. this went on for a few years untill it was time to go to school. then I had not dressed after I was married it was small at first with panties.
    then my wife found them in the car.
    I had to tell the truth and let it go. that christmas I got so many gifts and when I opened the first package it was a new nightgown and stalkings. then we sat next to the christmas tre and she wanted to experince the whole thing with me dressing for her in what ever she decided on. we had a son and daughter they never even suspected that I dressed. it was her idea to get on hormones and suggesting breast implants. our life has been wonderfull because we shared everything. we had no secrets 35 years later it’s still the same and we would have missed so much without this experince.

  17. slw 7 August, 2012 at 20:29 Reply

    My wife actually lets me wear her panties sometimes,but sometimes doesn’t like it. However, she almost always likes for me to “be” a woman lover for her with my mouth, between my legs with my penis hidden and sucking on my breasts, so I get confused. What she doesn’t realize is I often put her panties, bra, slip, panty hose, blouse, and skirt on when she’s away and pretend my finger is from a man ripping her clothes off and sticking his finger way up inside me as her. She likes the sex. but can’t decide if she wants me to be a man or woman, as she definitely has bisexual desires. What do you suggest?

  18. Michelle 5 June, 2012 at 23:39 Reply

    Hi, I am crying as I write this. I have been married to a wonderful man for 5 years and have two beautiful young daughters. (I also have another adult daughter from a previous relationship).My friends and family are so envious of the great relationship we have and the great guy I managed to bring into my life. And yes, I have felt so blessed. Less than two weeks ago I came home to quickly pick something up only to discover my husband hiding in the toilet with ladies clothes. (Sprung). At first I thought he had another woman coming to the home as I was supposed to be out for hours longer. Then he hit me with the bombshell that he had bought the clothes for himself. I did not have a lot of time to react as I had my girls in the car waiting for me. Since then, I have gone through such conflicting emotions. I understand totally why he had not told me earlier but now I wonder every time he is alone at home what he’s up to. I initially responded with I love you no matter what and we’ll work it out, to complete disgust, to ‘I want him to be able to be himself’, to screw him (why is it always about men and their sexual needs?) He swears I caught him on his first time but tells me he has only been feeling these urges in the last few years. So, is it my fault? As he was married before and apparently didn’t have these needs. I never want my girls to find out. I want to be married to a man. I don’t want to be with a man who wants to dress like me or a ‘slutty’ girl as he puts it. These things I know. I have no one to talk to (how embarassing). I love this man with all my heart but I love me too. So, now what??

    • HappilyMarriedToACD 26 July, 2012 at 12:28 Reply

      Hi Michelle,
      I see that no one has replied to you and that makes me sad. I too found out that my husband was cross dressing and I was so incredibly shocked I think I had a small out of body experience. Now 2 years down the line after I found out, I am learning to accept it, as I find out as much information as possible, read up as much as I can and most importantly talk to my husband about it all the time.
      All those questions you are asking, I asked myself too, and I thought I was inadequate, didn’t satisfy him sexually and that I had driven him into cross dressing to make up for my short falls.
      I also had bouts of anger, depression, despair and panic intermingled with periods of acceptance.
      These days we discuss everything together as we grow as a couple and our sex life is hotter than ever and we have an incredible relationship, but we always had, but now it is very intimate and special.
      You are still married to a wonderful man, he needs the support as much as you do. Try and find a way to understand it, it is the first step to acceptance, and if you love him, you can make it work.
      We too have 2 teenage daughters and live in a small community, where I would die of humiliation if they found out. Create a safe environment where your husband can tell you everything without the fear of being judged, think before you answer and tell the truth. Good luck, its not easy, but the rewards are huge. x

      • Lori 4 October, 2012 at 00:04 Reply

        HappilyMarriedToACD,
        That’s where I made my mistake by telling my kids when they were 8 years old. I told them because I was advised to do so by my therapist and my kids and us had family counseling together. I now wholeheartedly regret that I ever told them about me.

    • Bill 14 August, 2012 at 04:45 Reply

      Dear Michelle,I realize this is upsetting but hear me out. I’m forty three years old and i’ve been crossdressing since I was about ten. I’ve been dating the same beautiful woman for the last six years. I’ve been an open book for the past sixteen years because I got sick and tired of hiding the things I really enjoy. I don’t understand it,i’m not gay,as a matter of fact I can find beauty in just about every woman i’ve ever met. I adore woman. My girlfriend has bought me thousands of dollars worth of womans clothing,shoes,make-up,you name it. We made it a game,we’ve gone out in public,we go to some of the crossdressing friendly clubs etc. Not only do we have a very close and loving relationship we have the best sex life of anyone we know. Our relationship is so good we have friends that actually talk about wanting a relationship just like we have. Michelle,think about this,is it really that big of a deal. He didn’t cheat,he’s not a rapist,he’s not a murderer,he’s not mean to you,he’s not beating you,as a matter of fact he loves you. For god’s sake let’s lighten up,love is so wonderful. Why not open your mind and your heart,just relax. This is not the end of the world why are you acting like it is. He didn’t tell you because he was terrified of what you would think of him. Also you said you were worried about your kids. Crossdresser’s are not child molestors. Your children don’t have to know about his dressing. Your children don’t watch you having sex,right. Well they don’t have to see him dressed-up. It actually drives me crazy when I hear people are ready to end a supposedly loving realationship over something that really is’nt a big deal. You simply don’t understand what crossdressing is all about. One other thing,it’s not all about the sexual needs of men. I go out of my way to make sure my girlfriend is satisfied sexually. There have been nights where she has wanted to play and i’ve been very tired or had a terrible headache. If I can’t actually make love to her I will lay with her,tell her a sexy story and masturbate her so she will at least have an orgasm. Now she often asks me to tell her fantasy stories while I play with her. Michelle,please lighten up,don’t end your relationship over something like this. How rediculous to stop loving someone over something that really is no big deal.

      • maria 20 August, 2012 at 18:20 Reply

        My relationship with my cross-dressing boyfriend has been wonderful. I feel like he understands me so much because of this feminine side of him. He is very much a man and our sex life is actually the best I’ve ever experienced to be very honest. This cd is new to me and at first I had to think about what I was getting my emotions tangled up in to when I first saw him dressed as a woman. He is the same person whether he is working his job as a man or he is at home dressed as a woman. It hasn’t been completely easy because when he comes home from work in his jeans and workshirt he is so sexy and just seeing him turns me on but then he goes and takes a shower and begins the process of applying make-up and putting on a dress. He has transformed and I find myself missing the man whose shirt I wanted to rip off of his body only a short while before. I am in love with this man so I am accepting his cross dressing ways. I know I can’t change who he is and I don’t want to because I don’t want to lose the special person he is.

      • Jim 22 November, 2012 at 18:02 Reply

        I’m a 52 year old cross dresser. My experience with the 2 women I’ve come out to over the years has been great. In both cases our sexual relations was wonderful, both before and after I came out. And after a period of time it becomes a total non-event. I don’t let the neighbors or community know. Everyone has their own thing that turns them on. Unless a significant other has a real hang-up the crossdfressing becomes a minor part of the relationship.

    • AJ 16 August, 2012 at 17:49 Reply

      Michelle –

      I have been married for a long time, I have four children, and I am a closet cross dresser. It started a long time ago, when I was 10-11 years old. I have always hid it well, and my interest in it disappeared entirely in my late teens and 20’s, but it returned later.

      I am not sure I can articulate why I have this fetish, or passion, or desire, to dress as a woman. I have to assume that it provides me with something, because I have tried to fight it, and I cannot. Whenever I am home alone, I try on my wife’s clothing.

      Candidly, I feel terrible guilt and shame about it afterwards (which is what lead me to this website).

      I love my wife with my whole heart, I have told her literally every other “secret” in my life, and I just cannot confide in her about this … for the reasons in your post. I do not want her to think I am gay, or a deviate/messed-up, or be horrified to learn this about me. I would die a second death if my children learn about it. But the reality is that the only difference between me and your husband is that you came home early and unexpectedly.

      You are now directly confronted with a choice, one that my wife may have someday as well … You can embrace the person you love, see into his heart, and recognize that this is just one of his many aspects and attributes. Perhaps he is caring and sensitive and passion to you in a way that he would not otherwise be, without this “aspect” to his personality. Perhaps it is a way of relieving stress, or dealing with long-ago issues from childhood. Whatever the reason, you can embrace all of him and leave nothing out, you can room in your heart for deviation and flaw and unusual, or you can have him relive that fear/self-loathing again and again and again.

      Trust me when I say that, if he could unwind that day and get those clothes off before you walked in, he would. But now that it is out, now that you know his deepest, most intimate secret, now that he is truly wide open to you, the next move is yours … I know that, if you were my wife, I would hope you could find it in your heart to forgive me, embrace me, and understand me … all of me.

  19. Pedi 28 May, 2012 at 17:05 Reply

    hey
    I’m a newly married CD & my wife doesn’t know my desires, what should I do? she is so lovely & we love each other, she is sooooo hot & good at bed but should I tell her about dreaming of being fucked in my ass with atleast 2 fems? what if she get mad at me? I hope you guys understand me…
    thx

    • Cheryl 29 May, 2012 at 12:52 Reply

      I don’t know that I would present things as boldly as you state them….Regardless you will have to tell her about yourself if you stand any chance of a healthy long term marriage. As far as your sexual desires, that can only be assessed and approached in a timely manner by you. I would get past telling her about yourself first. Just be sure that you don’t lie to her.

      • Pedi 4 June, 2012 at 16:15 Reply

        Don’t know how to tell her, about any thing, I don’t wanna lie her, but don’t want her to go with another man, you know someone much more manly than me. I have so many sexual dream that I wish I could tell her but don’t know how!!!
        you mean I sit next to her and tell her ” honey, i’m a CD?” no way, I can’t…
        plz help
        thx

  20. SissyMaidinPinkPanties 19 May, 2012 at 09:28 Reply

    I was molested @ the age of 8 and later in Jr High a teacher continuously molested and sodomized me. During this process ,if you will, I started to doubt myself sexually. I was very small and skinny kid that was way way over sexualized. The teacher was making me have an orgasm each time he anally sodomized me. So at some point my mind formed an opinion that maybe since I had an orgasm with a penis in me I was feminine. I started to exp with my mothers lingerie and I liked the feel of against my skin and again I tied it sexually to my overburdened brain. After high school ,without being molested, I had cemented a hetero sexual image of myself with dating, parties and finally sex with a girl! It was not until I was 25 that the urge to be stimulated anally came back and luckily for me my wife liked the idea of a strap on which was great. Onward now 47 years old on my 2nd marriage I am with a woman who is very straight laced. I was finally able to tell her 3 years ago that I had been sodomized orally and anally and she got really really angry ,basically calling me queer, and this caused me to retract emotionally from her. +20 years I had never really crossed dressed only masturbated with panties. My wife opened up to me when I began to fall into a very deep depression and she apologized for her remarks to me. It really opened up our relationship even more. With her support and or greater trust she hadn’t married a closet homosexual I have flourished sexually. I really like wearing panties and garter belts and stockings. It’s almost like regular clothing to us now. We have started playing role play with me being a sissy french maid and our sex life is fantastic now. I urge any woman in my wifes shoes to reach out to their husband or bf and talk about it. He will be relieved to have someone to talk to about such intimate feelings and there is nothing closer to a mans heart than their sex life @ risk. If he will talk to you about that there is absolutely nothing he would hide from you.

  21. Marree 18 May, 2012 at 21:14 Reply

    Dear LGinCA imagine yourself as a 21 year old male, just into adulthood and starting a new life with a woman you loved enough to marry. How can you bring yourself to maybe hurt possibly the greatest love so grievously? This is the “deception” we cd’s practice, trying to suppress a part of who and what we are to give our best friends and partners the best possible life we can. My wife found out very early in our marriage, was totally disgusted and would not have a bar of it. Yet she stayed with me a further 25 or so years, even having two more children to me. This type of scenario makes it very hard to understand how your partner really feels about you as after all the wonderful years and times we shared, she took herself away after 30 years together, ripping away my heart in the process. I now have a girlfriend who I told straight off, after an initial bit of shock, she has scoured the net for info and asked other cd’s questions and we have a very good relationship. It’s easier to be up front at 50 than it is at 21 is what I’m saying, because a young man does not feel confident enough about himself where an older, wiser 50 year old will we don’t mean to hurt others, we just don’t want to be vilified at a young age, much easier these days to be “out” as a young person than it was in 1977.

  22. Marlene 18 May, 2012 at 06:21 Reply

    When it comes to a cross dresser considering and approaching marriage with a woman then the best policy is to be honest and upfront from the time you begin to date and allow the woman to know of this hobby or fetish or lifestyle you have been engaged in. Honesty works much better and has better outcomes. A cross dresser that is heterosexual and wants to date women and eventually get married are better off sharing their femme side as soon as possible right after the acquaintance phase takes place so that the woman can be informed of your cross dressing. Show them your best photo first and then talk about it and offer educational books or support groups for wives and girlfriends of cross dressers. Personally, I have had great success with this approach. If a woman loves her man then she will consider seeing more of her mans femme side. If she is turned off from it then she can talk it over and make that clear and walk away from it early on in the relationship before it gets too serious. Yes, there is a risk to the cross dresser of feeling embarrassed or ashamed but its much less of risk and chance of shame and embarrassment to have to tell your kids and a divorce lawyer 5-30 years later when you get caught or she finds pics of you or emails or online profiles of you en femme. There are many women out there in this lovely world that accept and embrace crossdressing in their men if they are introduced to it early on in the relationship. Not every woman in my life has embraced it with me but none of the many women I have told ever rejected my honesty and outed me or up and left me after I told them about it and showed them a few pics shortly after we met. I have had many positive experiences with women that have accepted it. I have a very loving gg gf [genetic girl – girlfriend] that accepts me en femme and participates with me to the maximum pleasure for both of us. We keep a good balance of it within our relationship and I’m content with my man role as well as I have contentment when dressed en femme. Many people know about my cross dressing because I have placed my trust in select people and no one has ever outed me or shamed me. Each of us are different and we all have different reasons why we dress and why we tell others and why some dont ever tell anyone. My point is.. dont wait years to tell someone who you are in a relationship with or married to.. be fair to them.. ya never know,,, they may accept it and the bliss will last an eternity if it is managed properly between the cd and his gf or wife..

    ~hugs~

    Marlene

  23. Alicia 16 May, 2012 at 07:06 Reply

    WOW i really got lucky my girlfriend was so happy i told her i was cross dressing i used to wear her panties and she seen them on me one day i come home from work and she handed me a bag and told i could wear my own i open the bag it was 2 packs of sexy panties then i moved up to skirts jeans Bras what ever i wanted she would buy for me i was so happy i love wearing women clothes she know it it take the stress away i get dressed about every day i even went out shopping in women clothes with my G/F she said hse as the best of both worlds

  24. Mary K. Barbour 15 May, 2012 at 19:44 Reply

    My husband is a crossdresser and I found out after 30 years of marriage. I am so angry, and resentful about this lie. I would have never married him had I known. So, now what. Thanks alot there Bub…you should have told me. Thanks a whole hell of alot.

    • Marlene 16 May, 2012 at 04:55 Reply

      Hi Mary,

      I can feel your pain as you ponder on this matter. I have always felt that as a crossdresser that everyone I have ever gotten involved in on an intimate or emotional level should be informed and know about this part of me right away so that the woman would know this in advance about me. Honesty as always worked for me and I have never had any surprises with those that are and were significant others to me.

      Its natural for you to feel the way you do and at the same time your husband did what many others do as well which is to hide it and keep it from you maybe because he might have been one that felt it was under control in his personal life and that he was only into it as a slight fetish and engaged in it periodically only to self discover that he had more of a connection to it than he did 30 years ago. He more than likely was too embarrassed to tell you 30 something years ago thinking to himself that he loved you so much that he dare not tell you and chance losing you which many others do that as well. He may have also thought he would kick the habit so to speak but in many cases that never happens and the person seems to have the need to crossdress forever into their old age. Also, many wives that do find out about this behavior also react as you have and out of love they manage their anger and hurt and disappointment over time and then they want to know why why why and some women have open their hearts and mind to the matter and then tried to understand their husbands need or desire to cross dress and begin to learn more of what makes a cross dresser tick although no two cross dressers are the same in regards to why they dress en femme. You may ask yourself or your husband the inevitable question and ask if he is gay or bi but only he can answer that and in most cases of married cross dressers, the husband is a heterosexual man that is not gay and does not dress to attract a man. Some dress out of a deep respect and admiration for womanhood and femininity. Some wives have discovered from interacting with other wives of cd’s that there is a positive side to this as well. Some women who do accept their husband as a crossdresser and open up the dialogue and communication to probe and learn more about their husbands feminine side discover the splendor and bliss that can be elicited from their husbands femme self. When a crossdresser becomes accepted by their spouse, there can be a whole new element of love and affection that arises from within the marriage. As a lifelong cd myself, as I was accepted by the few [all] women in my life that I have shared this with, it has enhanced the relationship and deepened it beyond our expectations and I learned how to be a much better man and lover by expressing my femme side within the relationship. There are hundreds of benefits of dating a cd or being married to one just as there are also possible adverse consequences as well. I could write about this subject for hours although I wont do that here. Feel free to write me if you would like to further share your anger and emotions to someone who loves to listen. I will gladly give you my email address if you want to talk further.

      ~Hugs~

      Marlene

  25. Deedee 27 April, 2012 at 04:00 Reply

    I too was married to a CD. WHen he began to “reveal” himself to me, always in bed, I found it a playful game, him slipping on my panties and having sex with me, but in a few short months I was angry and fed up! I felt I has been decieved when I married him, and It began to bother me so much I divorced him. Time past, I began dating, and always in the back of my mind, I wondered if my date liked to dress up too. My ex- and I actually became better friends after the divorce and I realized how different he was when he was dressed. He also explained how he had often been “dressed” as a child by his sister and even his mom helped. He had no male image in his life, so he was very accepting of this, believing that by dressing up for them he was pleasing them and also himself. After I learned the truth, I felt bad for him, and actually allowed him to come over and dress for me. We began “role” playing and I discovered how docile and submissive he was during those sessions.As I took more and more control over him, I began to find my own “fetish”!! After a while, we grew apart and he went his own way. I heard he lived most of his “civilian” life in drag, but I must admit he did make a lovely women and was very passable. Even though I prefer other women in my life now, I do still date, and I find myself seeking men of slight build and rather shy. I take great excitment in finding out if they dress, and if not I help them “discover” themselves. In either case, I help to feminize them, seeing how far I can take them. I enjoy having control over them, and have them keep me amused and satisfied. I haven’t found too many that don’t “want to take the next step”. I don’t know if this type of man has a hormone imbalance to begin with, but I have met so many men who seem to prefer being feminized and sissified. Maybe it’s something in the water!! I do know that I owe my ex some credit for giving me a new “pleasure” in life. The strange thing is that in most of my female relationships, I prefer the other woman to be in control, I find that highly stimulating……must be something in the water!!

  26. Kris 26 April, 2012 at 05:24 Reply

    Im sad. Ive known 6years that hes a CD. Ive even tried to help by getting dressed up with him. I love the way he is. He is very uncomfortable being CD doesnt do it at all juet buys clothes alot even with a closet full. I get angry cause of the money spent and then never wears it. I have now started sleeping in another room so he can have time to himself and be happy. Its killing me inside all i do is cry now. I want to be partners i wamt honesty i want openness. Am i asking to much? I hate sleeping seperate bedsrooms so he can be happy. Are CDs usually selfish like this or am i wanting more out of him then i should?

    • Vanessa L 26 April, 2012 at 12:45 Reply

      Oh Kris,
      I can feel your pain coming through so clearly, and my heart goes out to you dear. I’m not sure if it’s because he is a CD, though my guess would be that there is something else keeping him from being able to be honest. Most crossdressers would love to have their significant other involved in that part of their life.

      Does he belong to any crossdresser organizations or support groups? That might be a way for him to become more comfortable with himself and open up to you. If you’re in a large city you can probably find one.

      Blessings,
      Vanessa

  27. kristen 25 April, 2012 at 04:32 Reply

    Oh and the spending and he still hides and lies is ruining our marriage. I loove him and want a way for this to work

    • Vanessa L 25 April, 2012 at 05:03 Reply

      Oh honey, you’re in a tough situation. It sounds like you’ve had some good conversations with him already, which is normally the first step. Do you think it would help to sit down with him and budget spending for his feminine items? Help him to put it in context with the kids and bills. I wonder if making him seem accepted would help him stop hiding the spending from you.

      This is tricky, because as you say it could be any hobby that he could do this. Best of luck dear!

  28. kristen 25 April, 2012 at 04:30 Reply

    My husband is a cross dresser that desnt bother me at all. What I am having a problem with is the spending of money it would be the same complaint no matter what the fetish or hobby was. He is uncomfortable. About his cross dressing. I don’t know how to get him to be ok with it that it doesn’t matter it doesn’t change his heart but to understand he can’t buy everything we have kids and bills. Anyone with any ideas for help.

  29. Alana 9 April, 2012 at 12:50 Reply

    Making Marriage with a Crossdresser – Work and Thrive

    Ladies and Gentlemen,

    Here are a few tips on how crossdressing has worked in my marriage of 23 years. I realize that everyone is different and we come with all sorts of baggage. I am extremely fortunate to have found my soul mate and to be part of the marriage where love has grown stronger every year. Crossdressing is not a focus, but it is a facet of our relationship. My wife could not understand me without understanding my need to crossdress. We were friends first, started dating after her divorce from a macho guy who thought he was God’s gift. Our relationship is based upon respect, commitment and a very healthy sense of humor.

    Here are our personal bullets of success:
    · Tell her early that you are a crossdreser. For me, it was our third date. Granted, we knew each other eight months before we started dating. But I told her early because I didn’t want to deceive. I told her that I had something important I wanted to tell her “I love silky women’s clothing, I love the feel and look of beautiful gowns, dresses and lingerie.” She thought about it a few moments, then replied “So do I. What is the big thing you want to tell me?” She was a model, now is a clothing designer, she loves clothes, so do I. It has become something we share. But I found out later, given some of the crap she had encountered in her previous marriage, this was nothing – one of her expressions is “it’s just clothing.”
    · Be a GREAT husband. I’ve chatted with quite a few crossdressers who blame the dissolution of their marriage on crossdressing. After talking awhile, I begin to realize, some guys are selfish and self-absorbed and ignore their wives and expect total understanding without giving it themselves. They blame the relationship failure on intolerance towards dressing, but their behavior remains boorish. You need to give understanding in order to receive it.
    · Be a GREAT provider and father. If you are doing all you can to provide for your family and raise children who feel loved, your turn will come to receive that love and comfort. Make the extra effort – it will not be wasted. I telecommute 80% of the time, my wife knows that I work best when wearing a blouse and skirt. My production is probably 30% higher while I am dressed. She gets it and is accustomed to seeing me dressed is silks and it seems normal.
    · If you want to wear her shoes – Walk in her shoes. I cook, I clean, I wash clothes. So does my wife. I’ve learned to do a manipedi. I helped sew my daughters prom dress (I’m a better sewer than my designer wife). We are partners. We share the responsibilities of raising our family and share relaxing with feminine delights.
    · Keep your perspective. I am a husband and father first. Crossdressing is my hobby. It is one I share with my wife and has become a special retreat for us both. But I know my priorities and keep them in order.
    · The desire to crossdress will NEVER go away. It won’t. But it is only a negative if you and your partner view it that way. We have found a way to make crossdressing our private haven and a source of fun and exploration. One of her requirements was that I learn to sew. But I now make outfits that fit. That is a real thrill.

    I cannot pass, no amount of hormones, surgery would ever make me appear to be anything but a guy wearing a dress. I exercise and try to keep my weight down and I don’t like plus sized fashions (so sorry, they are too dowdy).

    Here are some advantages of being in a relationship with a crossdresser:
    · You can never have too many clothes, shoes or purses
    · No complaints about shopping
    · No decoration is too feminine
    · We actually give thoughtful opinions about style
    · Give lots of feminine holiday presents
    · And personally, the degree of trust and commitment in our relationship is huge. She has made it OK for me to express all of who I am. I sleep in women’s nightwear every night and have for our entire marriage. I have it great, I know it and will not do anything to screw up my marriage. For you ladies, if the guy is an otherwise decent guy, try empathy and understanding, you may be rewarded with a relationship of love and commitment that is legendary.

    I’m wishing happiness, understanding and balance to all of you.

    Alana

  30. lexi 30 March, 2012 at 23:33 Reply

    Hi! I just found out that my husband likes to cross dress we’ve been married for seven years and i feel betrayed I don’t know what to do. We have two kids I thought we had a great marriage I love him I don’t want to lose him but I don’t know if I can deal with it. It’s been seven wonderful years can u give me some advice. I feel like I lost em like I don’t know him or maybe I never really knew him what should I do.

    • Frank Favata 2 April, 2012 at 22:21 Reply

      You do not need to think that you do not have a great marriage; you do have a great marriage and it can only get better now. He told you the most agonizing secret he can ever have to you because he loves you. He may have also have had a lot of guilt by not telling you and knows that you feel betrayed but he loved you enough to tell you. It is only one aspect of him and if you think closely it is a great aspect that I am sure you can grow to love because you already do even though you can not see it at the moment. What you loved about your husband is still there. You have probably all along have noticed his caring and loving and understanding side and that is what you fell in love with. He is able to understand and listen to you the most important aspect of communication. He understands you and he loves you and wants the best for you and his family. I can not help that you feel betrayed those are your true feelings. I one day hope to meet and marry a beautiful understanding woman as you are. I thought I did a few years back when I told my future and then ex-wife on our second date that I was a crossdresser. In the end finances destoryed our marriage quickly as she thought I had money and could afford to raise her and her 3 children on my salary, I miss read her Love for me because I so desperatley wanted to be loved and she seemed to have accepted my fem side. I still desperately want to be loved but not at the expense of someone else’s feelings. I want to have kids and a family too, but time is passing me by. I still feel I have to let the lady know upfront of who I am and I know if I was not a crossdresser or lied about being being one I would have had the family I have so desired since I was a baby, just like most women do. Sorry for rambling, but I am sure your husband is a great person as he has proven that over the past 7 years. I wish you love and happiness as you go forward in your marriage and learn to understand one another better and continue to grow with each other. Franky

  31. Lyne 27 March, 2012 at 19:36 Reply

    Hi
    I married my husband knowing he was a CD. I loved him deeply and he hated himself so much for the cross dressing that I just wanted him to love himself as much as I loved him. I encouraged it, I helped him get items. I was the one who rented a room in toronto at ‘Walk on the Wild Side” where the owner put the makeup on and provided a wig and we went out to a Drag Show and had a great time. From that point on, we had fun with it, sex was fantastic. However, he started to withdraw more and more. Eventually did not really want to have sex, it was more about dressing and masturbating for me. In the end, he became more and more confused and felt he didn’t want to be married. He felt he might prefer boys. I only found out he was bisexual in the last year of our marriage. That was a bigger blow then the CDing however, I loved him so much I wanted to work on all the different aspects. In the end, he simply didn’t want to be married. He became all consumed with the cross dressing, he had gotten permission to dress at work and again, I had no issue with that either. I was taking it in strides but he simply wasn’t noticing me anymore. It seemed he was only happy if he was talking about ‘her’ (his alter ego) He is an excellent performer and wants his own drag show…..again something I fully supported and helped with ideas. Didn’t seem to matter how supportive I was, he has left.I feel betrayed, I thought we were soul mates. There was basically nothing he could throw at me that I wouldn’t contemplate and deal with. I know he isn’t gay because he loves women wayyyy to much, but when he is cross dressing, he prefers the attention of men and I noticed even when we were out on one of those special nights….I was barely noticed. My story doesn’t sound like any of yours. I don’t know if he is simply very confused or if I truly have lost him. He’s completely out to all our friends and family thanks to Facebook and posting pics of him in face. When people question me about it, I simply say “it’s never bothered me, what bothers me is that he doesn’t love me anymore” I’m devastated.

    Lyne

    • Debra 28 March, 2012 at 11:36 Reply

      Hi Lyne,
      My story has changed dramatically. It went from hubby telling me he’s a crossdresser to he wants a sex change to we need to go our separate way. He has turned my life upside down and inside out. We are getting divorced and I devoted 7 years of my life with him. I thought we could work all this out~ we can’t. I’ve beent though many emotions in a short period of time. I was told in December and now it’s only March. I loved him so much and thought we’d “grow old” together. He’d rather play with his toys and dress then anything else. He’s withdrawn almost completely from the life and friends we had.He now hides in the bedroom he has moved into and doesn’t really speak with me unless he has too. Everything has changed and it seems as if it all happened overnight. I have decided to move on in my life and make the most of my life and be happy.I deserve to be happy and to be treated with alot more respect so I have choosen to move forward with my life without him as he requested.I’m sorry for your pain and I certainly understand it. Move on…..

  32. lorna 25 December, 2011 at 13:59 Reply

    I have just leant that my husband likes 2 dress up in womans cloths it is hard 4 me 2 understand and he has people he can talk 2 but i havent got any 1 i cant tell friends or family about it i love him so much and im really scared and would like sum help would like 2 talk 2 people in the same boat but dont know were 2 go or who 2 go 2

    • Susan Heiss 15 November, 2011 at 08:14 Reply

      This may not be the place for this, but I am very fortunate to have an extremely understanding and accepting wife and I love her dearly. We have been married 11 years. I told her of my crossdressing before we married and even tho she was basically unaware of crossdressing I explained that I was a “hetrosexual” crossdresser. The main thing she heard was the word “hetrosexual”. The rest of my explaination of cding was easy. It only took a few hours of her thinking about it and she sent me a e-mail saying that many of the things she loved about me were feminine traits, ie. gentleness, considerate, understanding,temperance, Love, etc. She then said Jim Reeves said it best when he sang, ” Welcome to my world, won’t you come on in.” Since that time we have married and I have worn women’s clothes 95% of the time. I have had my facial hair totally removed by electrology. We are both retired and travel. I travel enfemme and we often shop together, eat out, go to movies, to plays, the casinos, we do most everything together as girlfriends. We also share the housework. If she cooks, I clean up and vice versa, if she dust, I vaccum, I do the laundry and she irons. We share our lives and we deeply love and respect each other. Susan Heiss

  33. Peter 26 September, 2011 at 14:56 Reply

    as a closet wearer of womens underwear and stockings etc…. I have a beard , and let me say that I would never shave it off.
    This stops me from wearing more clothes, but I want to remain fully male.
    I would think that if i removed the beard to look more feminine then I would be on the road to considering the shemale route.
    I have found my comfort zone and like many others,do not step out of it.
    ask him outright where his comfort zone extends and set reasonable boundries acceptable to both.
    and should he step outside of the zone, burn his clothes and see a lawyer.

    • Vanessa Law 26 September, 2011 at 15:48 Reply

      Oh hon,

      This is a terribly difficult for you. This is something that he is likely getting fulfillment from, and it sounds like you’ve read enough to know that this is not a choice but an innate part of who he is. Have you had a chance to have a heart to heart with him, and let him know how you feel while listening to where he’s coming from?
      I’m sure that he doesn’t mean to hurt you, but at the same time this is not what you want, and impacts your happiness. All I can offer are my blessings, I pray that you’re able to come to a positive place where both of you feel loved and appreciated.
      *hugs*

  34. TTBF 3 April, 2011 at 20:21 Reply

    I’ve been married to across dresser for over 25 years. My experience is that my”acceptance” of this has come at the expense of our sex life. He has ED except he seems to prefer to dress up no problem and gets his jollies. Then he tells me that I have to get him some Cialis myself if I want sex. At this point I’m tired and don’t feel like I should have to prep him for sex like he’s doing me a favor. It’s very sad to be in a marriage like this. I don’t want to cheat on him so I guess my sex life is over.

  35. TTBF 4 April, 2011 at 03:21 Reply

    I’ve been married to across dresser for over 25 years. My experience is that my”acceptance” of this has come at the expense of our sex life. He has ED except he seems to prefer to dress up no problem and gets his jollies. Then he tells me that I have to get him some Cialis myself if I want sex. At this point I’m tired and don’t feel like I should have to prep him for sex like he’s doing me a favor. It’s very sad to be in a marriage like this. I don’t want to cheat on him so I guess my sex life is over.

  36. Joan Brooks 2 February, 2011 at 21:43 Reply

    Zara,
    One last thing you might want to keep in mind. Many husbands really don’t know how to put into words what they feel. and when fillrd with frustrations, it seems many men always strike out and hurt the ones they love the most. Maybe not phisically, but in words and actions.
    And lastly please hold on to this thought, The highest compliment anybody can give someone else is to copy what and how they are or dress.

    Hugs and help, Joan Brooks

  37. Joan Brooks 2 February, 2011 at 21:33 Reply

    In reply to Zara
    Permit me to inject some clear food for thought ideas you may not have pondered.
    As you have mentioned, you have a great deal of life invested in each other, and that is great.
    Back when you two first got together, was there any kind of an unusual understanding in him showing in regards to your needs. If so that was the first tell tale signs of a unspoken but deeper understanding of women laying deep inside of him.
    Further imagine someone trying to explain something to you that they don’t fully understand themselves. A lot like a child trying to explain the techniques of intricate brain surgery. It is to that same end that most crossdressers understand what is happening to themselves. And that lack of understanding is so frustrating what is going on inside, let alone explain it to others or spouse.
    A good comparative of crossdressers is this, just like no two snowflakes are alike, so it is with crossdressers. They may be similar, but still they all are uniquely different.
    Now to clear a little of my understanding, you said you have had some ups and downs in your health, like your spouse, trying to understand on the normal individual level is most trying. If it were so easy to understand, why do so many therapist NOT understand it in all of their learning.
    And not to be crude, but you mentioned you have had or still have some weight problems. If your spouse is wearing any of your dresses at this time while you are not. That would say to me he is not complaining of your size and that he still loves you in his unspoken way.
    Now to his on his crossdressing, have you given any thought to this issue? Just by chance when was the last time you wore any slacks or pants? Whether or not they were designed for women or not, is that not you crossdressing without realizing it?
    What I am saying is this in my qualifications to speak out. I told my lovely wife before we married, I have always been their first hand to help her around the house, (I am considered odd in the fact that I always liked housework and cooking). Often I call a wifes day off in which I don’t let her do a thing but be pampered. I do wear lingerie most daily and dress completely during some nights while I write novels. She knows of my activity as when ever she does laundry, my things are their to be washed as well. Not a day goes by that I do not let pass without complimenting her on something.
    What I am saying is simply this, if something is on your mind and your spouse does not want to talk about it, try this. Go to him, put your arms around him and simply say, I have something on my mind I would like to hear, you don’t have to speak, but please listen. By putting your arms around him, you are creating your inner space to get his attention. And then speak to him in a low and loving tone and tell him how you really feel. You two have a lot of years together, please don’t hastely throw it away.
    I am a retired engineer with a very good education and a heart for helping where ever possible.
    If Vanessa will permit, I will furnish a e-mail address for further help or we can communicate over this forum so others as well might benefit.

    Joan Brooks

  38. Joan Brooks 2 February, 2011 at 21:33 Reply

    In reply to Zara
    Permit me to inject some clear food for thought ideas you may not have pondered.
    As you have mentioned, you have a great deal of life invested in each other, and that is great.
    Back when you two first got together, was there any kind of an unusual understanding in him showing in regards to your needs. If so that was the first tell tale signs of a unspoken but deeper understanding of women laying deep inside of him.
    Further imagine someone trying to explain something to you that they don’t fully understand themselves. A lot like a child trying to explain the techniques of intricate brain surgery. It is to that same end that most crossdressers understand what is happening to themselves. And that lack of understanding is so frustrating what is going on inside, let alone explain it to others or spouse.
    A good comparative of crossdressers is this, just like no two snowflakes are alike, so it is with crossdressers. They may be similar, but still they all are uniquely different.
    Now to clear a little of my understanding, you said you have had some ups and downs in your health, like your spouse, trying to understand on the normal individual level is most trying. If it were so easy to understand, why do so many therapist NOT understand it in all of their learning.
    And not to be crude, but you mentioned you have had or still have some weight problems. If your spouse is wearing any of your dresses at this time while you are not. That would say to me he is not complaining of your size and that he still loves you in his unspoken way.
    Now to his on his crossdressing, have you given any thought to this issue? Just by chance when was the last time you wore any slacks or pants? Whether or not they were designed for women or not, is that not you crossdressing without realizing it?
    What I am saying is this in my qualifications to speak out. I told my lovely wife before we married, I have always been their first hand to help her around the house, (I am considered odd in the fact that I always liked housework and cooking). Often I call a wifes day off in which I don’t let her do a thing but be pampered. I do wear lingerie most daily and dress completely during some nights while I write novels. She knows of my activity as when ever she does laundry, my things are their to be washed as well. Not a day goes by that I do not let pass without complimenting her on something.
    What I am saying is simply this, if something is on your mind and your spouse does not want to talk about it, try this. Go to him, put your arms around him and simply say, I have something on my mind I would like to hear, you don’t have to speak, but please listen. By putting your arms around him, you are creating your inner space to get his attention. And then speak to him in a low and loving tone and tell him how you really feel. You two have a lot of years together, please don’t hastely throw it away.
    I am a retired engineer with a very good education and a heart for helping where ever possible.
    If Vanessa will permit, I will furnish a e-mail address for further help or we can communicate over this forum so others as well might benefit.

    Joan Brooks

    • Aubre 5 December, 2011 at 10:47 Reply

      Right before I was married I found a pair of panties in my husbands stuff. When I asked him about it, he said he likes to wear them. First shocked… then I accepted it, for a while. But everytime I felt he was wearing them, I didn’t want to touch him. There is something so femine about it that to me, he doesn’t look attractive anymore. So, he stopped and we got married. Our daughter was 10 months at the time. But it seems he is still cross dressing because I found more items… this time it was worse. He is wearing my dresses, skirts, pants, bras and underwear. I don’t know what to do. I feel like we have been very open about this situation and I asked him to share with me everytime he feels an urge.. but he doesn’t. He still tries to hide it. Why? I already know. There is no more surprise. I feel like I have to accept this, or leave him. We are thinking of starting therapy soon. Will this help? Am I suppose to settle? I love with all my heart and soul and I never pictured my life without him, but I can’t live with this. And for the women on here that say the men never change, I think I might have to leave him. The thought brings instant tears to my eyes. Help?

      • Mandee 23 December, 2011 at 05:37 Reply

        Dear Aubre
        The decision to leave a marriage is a very momentous one.
        Yet I cannot say it is not the thing to do given your strong feelings about “xd-ing”. The reason your husband hides his continuing desires is his awareness that you don’t prefer him in feminine clothing and he thus doesn’t wish to embarass himself or make you uncomfortable. His behavior is understandable just as your feeling about a man in woman’s clothing is as well. There is no solution other than to dissolve the relationship in my view in order that you both a freed to pursue your own happiness. Therapy is unlikely to change either your feelings or your husband’s needs although it is likely to make the communication of feeling easier and deeper and ease the pain of separation. I speak as a lifelong cd and as a trained psychologist knowledgeable in the issues you speak of. You didn’t mention your age of course and that may be an important consideration in the decision. If you see a counselor- be sure that they are fully knowledgeable regarding transgender issues. I wish you the best of luck.
        Mandee Fine Ph.D.

        • Debra 2 January, 2012 at 08:22 Reply

          Hi Mandee,
          My husband had been acting differently for about 2 months. He seemd more irratable & unfocused alot. I asked him what was going on and he said he didn’t know. He’d just lost 55 lbs. over a 5 month time frame as a result of finding out he was a fullblown diabetic. He also was dealing with an almost nonexistant amount of testosterone in his body (& getting low does injections to regulate that)as well as dealing with ED. (& now having to take Viagra) However our sex life became nonexistant for 6 months. He was withdrawn and moodier then usual. I just chalked it up to so many changes in his body. Then he started “disappearing” and wouldn’t answer my texts or phone calls saying he didn’t hear his phone ring etc. He’d tellme he’s be home at a certain time and show up hours later which was very unlike him. We’ve been together 6 years, married for 4 of those. Finally last week he told me he was safe but we’d have to talk when he got home. He walked in the house in full woman’s dress. I was shocked & yet at the same time wasn’t. I didn’t like looking at him dressed as a woman but the wig & lipstick was the worst for me. I calmly asked him to take off the wig & he did. He then sat down & we had a calm conversation. I then went to bed & he thought “wow, this is great. She accepts me and now life can go on as usual”. He came to bed wearing garters, hose, boobs & a nighty. I wanted to cry & run away. But I didn’t. I love my husband & I want to stay married but with guidlines. He knows that. I’m not interested in seeing him prance around the house as a woman whenever he’s home.He’s agreed to counseling, not to change but for both of us to learn how to manage this way of living. I don’t want him sneeking off to be with other CD or going to bars to get approval. I worry about it escalating into something bigger and at 57 yrs. old I’m not willing to throw the rest of my life away “settling”. I want to know I can trust him. I don’t want lies & deceit. I know CD doesn’t “stop” & I accept that. I can’t accept seeing my husband dressed as a woman though.He told me the weight loss kind of spured it on again. He felt good about how he looked & I can understand that. But I’m not comfortable watching transvestite porn or anything like that. I want my husband to be turned on by me which he says he is. I guess I’m afraid one day it won’t be enough for him. He says he’s bisexual. Anyway, that’s my story for now.

      • Sharon 16 January, 2012 at 14:06 Reply

        Dear Aubre,
        There can be a happy ending.) I felt very simliar when my husband 1st told me a few years after we married. I “allowed” it for a while and then gave him the ultimatum…CD or me. He chose me and I fully believed he had quit. 2 children, post-pardum depression, & a very rocky patch followed. Then we got our relationship back on track. It was perfect until the night he told me he was still dressing. This was 1 year ago. I didn’t react to what he told me, so he thought it was ok. I was devastated and felt completely betrayed and trapped. I began intense CD research to understand why he would risk his family and possibly his career for this. I asked myself some very hard questions. I wrote down my feelings & questions for my husband. Then, I started the conversation that would forever change our marriage. I could not talk to him in person, so I waited until he went on a business trip. I began the conversation, by telling him not to talk and I would ask questions at the end. (I did not want any interruptions that would steer me away from my points.) I felt some better just telling him how I felt. The I began questioning him. I asked the questions that I didn’t want the answers to (but I had to know the truth) and I got some unsettling answers. But…I got the truth. Then I let him talk uninterrupted and I LISTENED. For the 1st time, I listened without forming bias while he talked, & without thinking of what I was going to say next. When it was all done, I could not wait for him to get home so I could give him the biggest hug ever. I didn’t accept the CD, but I was willing to learn more and to create boundaries. I researched more and kept asking questions. He wanted to purge his stuff again, but I told him not to. I knew he’d just buy more eventually. I’m glad that he didn’t because for his birthday, I decided to ask him to dress. We stayed at home and I got very drunk. Amazing, we had a great time. He opened up more and the conversation never stopped. 8 hours seemed like 30 minutes. Oh, I dressed up nice for him and that made it more fun too. So now, we do this on occasion and he dresses when he goes on trips. I think I’ve benefited from his CD greatly because I’m more accepting of people for who they are. I am less judgemental and criticle of others. The end result is that I’m a much happier person and our marriage is stronger than ever.

        So why is your husband not telling you the truth about dressing? Your answer is in your statement “I didn’t want to touch him.” Even though my husband knows that I truly accept his dressing, he still worries that I may change my mind. Why? Because I was so against it in the past.

        Will he change? Research says no. But do you really want him to? You fell in love with him for who he is and CD is a part of what has made him who he is. To remove that will change him into someone you do not know.

        one more thing, I was against CD because “it was not normal”. I changed my own mind when I asked myself, “who defines normal? And why is normal so important?” Some of the greatest ideas and greatest people have been anything but normal. I wish you the best of luck in sorting though your feelings and relationship. Oh- sorry for the book; I’m a bit long-winded!

        • Lio 14 February, 2012 at 01:26 Reply

          I met a man online about a year ago. Initially when we met, he portrayed himself as a woman. We connected right away and eventually he told me the truth that he was a man and that he had feelings for being a female since he was a child. A few months later he shared more with me that he not only felt those feelings but had acted on the by cross dressing.

          Although I have a strong desire and need to be with a man who possesses certain qualities (which he does). I have also for many years desired to be with a woman on a very sexual level. I feel like I have the best of both worlds and have truly fallen in love with both sides of this wonderful man.

          Our lives are very complicated for various reasons.. but we were able to meet recently in real life. It was a wonderful experience. I purchased several female outfits for him including underwear. I cannot begin to tell you how happy it made me to see him happy being able to openly share that side of himself. Even now it makes me teary eyed. Since then he has done more things to embrace that side of himself, including wearing makeup. Because we live far away I was able to share that experience with him via skype and it was wonderful to see his excitement.

          I know that my situation may be more rare than others, in that I am more accepting of his female side. I know that this man is a man and I feel very safe and secure and loved by him as a male. He doesnt want to give up his male side but he wants to be able to share and live out his female side too.

          I am so blessed and loved to have him as part of my life and cant imagine him being any other way than he is. For those of you ladies who are willing to listen and learn about that side of your partner, I think that you are doing a great thing and it shows how much you truly care about that person in your life.

          • susan 17 March, 2012 at 17:57

            Lio,

            We are in the same situation. My wife accepted my crossdressing, helps me buy and is my best girlfriend. When it comes to me being male and having to do make things – I step up and assume my responsibilities. Our sex life is perhaps enhanced because of it (we live out a lot of fantasies) Honesty is the best policy. I’m sorry if i don;t fit the “Norm” but i’ve been dressing since 12 – love it – enjoy it and feel that way with my best girl.

  39. Swmbo53 22 January, 2011 at 04:44 Reply

    3 weeks ago my husband asked if he could wear one of my nighties, I was not really shocked or anything like that and said OK. We had not been intimate for a long time but a lot of it was due to the fact that I had been ill and then when I got better I guess we did not know how to approach each other again, sounds weird I know but that’s how it felt. I kind of suspected that he liked wearing women’s underwear as I had come across some suspicious purchase receipts but I was not too worried and thought OK but nothing was ever said.
    Now suddenly, because he asked I suppose he has started buying dresses and I have to say its all moving too fast for me. He has never been one to discuss things about himself and whenever I have tried to talk to him about anything remotely to do with feelings he shuts down and I give up. I know that what he is doing is making him happy and he has not seemed happy for so long, I want him to be happy but I am not sure about him sitting round the house in dresses and there is another problem we are very short of money and I am getting freaked over what he is spending.
    How do I approach this without deflating him completely, he is also having trouble getting an erection which is making things difficult as he keeps initiating but that is as far as he can get without a lot of vigorous masturbation, I am confused we have been together for 25 years and I do not know what to do for the best.

  40. Debbie Briody 28 December, 2010 at 15:40 Reply

    Gigi, I completely agree. My husband told me that he was a crossdresser 18 months ago, when we’d been married for nearly 16 years, with four children. He then promptly had a breakdown. After this I think I had one too, but didn’t feel I could speak to anyone about the issues behind it, so I sought help online. Only to have the same experience as you – nearly all the counselling material is written with a CD slant….I love my husband immensely, but I just can’t be involved in his CDing. I would also dearly love to be able to discuss this with others who are in a similar place, without feeling disloyal or selfish (that’s how the CD slant makes me feel). I need to know how to protect me, in order that I can act to protect my family.

    I have also discovered that most GPs have no idea how to deal with this sort of stuff…so how do I find someone to talk to?

    I even tried the Samaritans, but they told me that since I was strong enough to seek help, I didn’t qualify for theirs!

    • Lori 13 August, 2015 at 11:25 Reply

      Debbie, if I may make a suggestion, I don’t know where you live. I live in the US and there are support groups for CD’s and their significant others. Usually the support groups for significant others are within the groups for CD’s. It’s only for significant others so they can get understanding and support. If I were you I would look for these groups in your area. You may try a search on Google. Just so you know, I am not a CD. I am a m-f transsexual living as a female fulltime, but I know these groups exist. I hope you can find some support. I hope I’ve been helpful.

  41. Debbie Briody 28 December, 2010 at 15:40 Reply

    Gigi, I completely agree. My husband told me that he was a crossdresser 18 months ago, when we’d been married for nearly 16 years, with four children. He then promptly had a breakdown. After this I think I had one too, but didn’t feel I could speak to anyone about the issues behind it, so I sought help online. Only to have the same experience as you – nearly all the counselling material is written with a CD slant….I love my husband immensely, but I just can’t be involved in his CDing. I would also dearly love to be able to discuss this with others who are in a similar place, without feeling disloyal or selfish (that’s how the CD slant makes me feel). I need to know how to protect me, in order that I can act to protect my family.

    I have also discovered that most GPs have no idea how to deal with this sort of stuff…so how do I find someone to talk to?

    I even tried the Samaritans, but they told me that since I was strong enough to seek help, I didn’t qualify for theirs!

      • Lori 13 August, 2015 at 11:19 Reply

        I thought I would chime in and give you a suggestion. I don’t know where you live but it might be helpful if you looked for a CD support group in your area. I live in the US and they do exist here. Those groups usually have support groups within them for significant others like wives and girlfriends for them to talk and receive support. Just to clarify, I am not a crossdresser, rather a transsexual living as a female. Still, I know those groups exist. I hope I was helpful.

  42. zara 19 November, 2010 at 21:30 Reply

    CONT>>…….
    So we wnt on with life after therapy had finished, i never asked if he had done it again, or if he missed it or did any further research on the matter. But i have oftern wondered if he has done it again when i wasnt home and hiding it. We traveled alot andkept busy but during 2 years after finding out I went into depression with self image and confidence issues. when i was out of depression 4 years ago we decided to have a child and i fell into depression again for 2 years after i had our child……
    Geeeee I feel like I have fallen out of love, i feel really unattractive because he never tell me I am beautifull but gets off seeing himself dressed in my clothes….. he is saying I have been hard to live with because of my issues but now 10 years on I am thinking that his cd'ing has contributed to my insecuities……
    leave, stay, try to fix it…???
    I have no idea does anyone think that he thinks that he is more attractive than me?

    • Joan Brooks 3 February, 2011 at 04:33 Reply

      In reply to Zara
      Permit me to inject some clear food for thought ideas you may not have pondered.
      As you have mentioned, you have a great deal of life invested in each other, and that is great.
      Back when you two first got together, was there any kind of an unusual understanding in him showing in regards to your needs. If so that was the first tell tale signs of a unspoken but deeper understanding of women laying deep inside of him.
      Further imagine someone trying to explain something to you that they don’t fully understand themselves. A lot like a child trying to explain the techniques of intricate brain surgery. It is to that same end that most crossdressers understand what is happening to themselves. And that lack of understanding is so frustrating what is going on inside, let alone explain it to others or spouse.
      A good comparative of crossdressers is this, just like no two snowflakes are alike, so it is with crossdressers. They may be similar, but still they all are uniquely different.
      Now to clear a little of my understanding, you said you have had some ups and downs in your health, like your spouse, trying to understand on the normal individual level is most trying. If it were so easy to understand, why do so many therapist NOT understand it in all of their learning.
      And not to be crude, but you mentioned you have had or still have some weight problems. If your spouse is wearing any of your dresses at this time while you are not. That would say to me he is not complaining of your size and that he still loves you in his unspoken way.
      Now to his on his crossdressing, have you given any thought to this issue? Just by chance when was the last time you wore any slacks or pants? Whether or not they were designed for women or not, is that not you crossdressing without realizing it?
      What I am saying is this in my qualifications to speak out. I told my lovely wife before we married, I have always been their first hand to help her around the house, (I am considered odd in the fact that I always liked housework and cooking). Often I call a wifes day off in which I don’t let her do a thing but be pampered. I do wear lingerie most daily and dress completely during some nights while I write novels. She knows of my activity as when ever she does laundry, my things are their to be washed as well. Not a day goes by that I do not let pass without complimenting her on something.
      What I am saying is simply this, if something is on your mind and your spouse does not want to talk about it, try this. Go to him, put your arms around him and simply say, I have something on my mind I would like to hear, you don’t have to speak, but please listen. By putting your arms around him, you are creating your inner space to get his attention. And then speak to him in a low and loving tone and tell him how you really feel. You two have a lot of years together, please don’t hastely throw it away.
      I am a retired engineer with a very good education and a heart for helping where ever possible.
      If Vanessa will permit, I will furnish a e-mail address for further help or we can communicate over this forum so others as well might benefit.

      Joan Brooks

  43. zara 19 November, 2010 at 21:29 Reply

    CONT……….He went to therapy and explored the issues I only went to 2 sessions as we thought it was his problem that he wanted to overcome. Now never at any point did I say to hime he could never do it again, as i thought its something he has been doing since he was little, i thought it would be a need. OI told him not to suppress it if it was a need because it would be worse. But he reassured me after his therapy had finished that he would never do it again it wasn't a big part of hislife.
    I might add during the first couple of years of our marriage I had major self confidence and body image problems ans he said it was hard to see me this way so his cd'ing would be an escape. (is that blaming me)??

    • Swmbo53 22 January, 2011 at 11:44 Reply

      3 weeks ago my husband asked if he could wear one of my nighties, I was not really shocked or anything like that and said OK. We had not been intimate for a long time but a lot of it was due to the fact that I had been ill and then when I got better I guess we did not know how to approach each other again, sounds weird I know but that’s how it felt. I kind of suspected that he liked wearing women’s underwear as I had come across some suspicious purchase receipts but I was not too worried and thought OK but nothing was ever said.
      Now suddenly, because he asked I suppose he has started buying dresses and I have to say its all moving too fast for me. He has never been one to discuss things about himself and whenever I have tried to talk to him about anything remotely to do with feelings he shuts down and I give up. I know that what he is doing is making him happy and he has not seemed happy for so long, I want him to be happy but I am not sure about him sitting round the house in dresses and there is another problem we are very short of money and I am getting freaked over what he is spending.
      How do I approach this without deflating him completely, he is also having trouble getting an erection which is making things difficult as he keeps initiating but that is as far as he can get without a lot of vigorous masturbation, I am confused we have been together for 25 years and I do not know what to do for the best.

    • Joan Brooks 3 February, 2011 at 04:43 Reply

      Zara,
      One last thing you might want to keep in mind. Many husbands really don’t know how to put into words what they feel. and when fillrd with frustrations, it seems many men always strike out and hurt the ones they love the most. Maybe not phisically, but in words and actions.
      And lastly please hold on to this thought, The highest compliment anybody can give someone else is to copy what and how they are or dress.

      Hugs and help, Joan Brooks

  44. GiGi 12 November, 2010 at 08:56 Reply

    I would advise wives to GET A THERAPIST and work through their feelings and start rebuilding their self-esteem so they have the strength to make an informed decision about what role they're comfortable playing in this relationship and whether they should prepare to get out of the marriage if the damage to their own self will be too great. Women have historically tended to nobly "stand by their man" , but there'll need to be a lot of communication and mutual respect to make sure that EVERYONE'S needs–with no secrets held back "for later"–are expressed so that a couple can set boundaries that are acceptable to both. If the CDer is unwilling to be truthful about his known agenda/desires and make compromises to preserve his wife's mental health he has no business being in a relationship.

    For the record, I have been married for 16 years and have known for maybe 6 and we're still struggling to find peace and happiness in our marriage and I hope we succeed.

  45. GiGi 12 November, 2010 at 08:49 Reply

    It's not fair for a person on either side of this to wither and die while the other flourishes, and I fear too often it is the wife whose spirit is damaged if not sacrificed due to low self-esteem, powerlessness, the fact of having children to mutually raise, or some ideal of "duty" or being a "good wife" that keeps them in a position that asks them to "give" more than they are possibly able to.

    Crossdressing seems to be quite a selfish and narcissistic endeavor, and it's all too easy for a wife's needs and feelings tend to be run over in zeal in the process without the CDer even being aware of it.

    Most people, let alone crossdressers, can't stand back from themselves far enough to see their behavior and its obvious impact on their loved ones clearly. My gut feeling on CDing is that it is a "have my cake and eat it too" and "give it an inch and it takes a mile" sort of phenomenon, which can obviously feel hurtful and betraying to loved ones and quickly escalates to a level a wife will struggle to deal with it.

    • Lori 27 September, 2012 at 14:16 Reply

      Yes I so agree! Like you said, I didn’t know i was hurting my kids but now I know but it’s too late/ They are grown and have moved out.

  46. KPrice 28 August, 2010 at 18:39 Reply

    I found out my husband was a cross dresser about 3 years after we married, but I thought it was very "minor"–panties here and there and a little lingerie at times, but no makeup, etc.. Several years later (about 9), he confessed that he goes all out when I'm not home–makeup, lingerie, regular women's clothing over that, etc. He combines this with some anal stimulation. He assured me he is not gay and I know that he isn't. I have fully embraced this side of him. There are times he just wants to feel feminine and special. When we have one of our REALLY fun nights together (where he goes "all out"), it's a great experience for both. WIVES–do NOT freak out! Your husband is special and as long as there aren't signs that he is cheating on you, have fun with it.

    • Dseacoast 13 December, 2010 at 13:45 Reply

      Good for you K. It would be so fun to go out in public with your wife while wearing her lingerie and clothing. It would be sexy and erotic to share those moments with your wife. I wear a lot of my wifes panties, stockings with garter, camisol and occaissional teddy. I am lucky that my wife and I are very close in size so I don’t stretch out her lingerie. I am pretty well endowed and my wife loves to see my package wrapped in her silky panties or falling out of one of her teddies. Some day maybe when traveling I would love to crossdress totally as a woman and lift my skirt to flash my wife! It is too bad that so many woman are hung up on crossdressing. Love your man and he will love you. Give it a chance, you might like it.

  47. Christabel 19 April, 2010 at 06:36 Reply

    I dress as a girl for several reasons .firstly i love the feel of fabrics andfreedom. Second the lovely colours that I can neverwear as a male. thirdly ,my wife lets me and is helpfull ,and likes me more. Fourthly, I feel superior to men in that I am more attractive.I would be interested in feedback on Sophiegirl146@yahoo.co.uk

  48. sandy 23 February, 2010 at 09:36 Reply

    I just learned that my husband for almost 6years is a cross dresser guy. I’m in deep shock and until now it won’t sink in my head. If only I can change what I just saw…and I wish I haven’t seen it.. but he told me he’s not gay, and so i believe on it. maybe in time, i will totally accept it. what should i do now?

    • Ragina 23 February, 2010 at 11:57 Reply

      Hi Sandy, I’m Ragina, a crossdresser for many years. I know that you have recieved quite a shock finding out that your husband is a crossdresser. It seems clear that he said that he’s not gay, so you need to believe him there. Most crossdressing men aren’t. My best advice to you right now is to spend time with him and find out exactly where his head is at and what he wants as far as his crossdressing. Also, spend some time educating yourself about the wide world of crossdressing. There are several very good books available on the subject. Last but not least, love him. He is in a vulnerable position right now, and needs to know that you love him and will try to understand him. Use this web site as well. There is a wealth of information here to use as well as many people willing to help both of you understand what is going on. Be patient, dear, It took my wife a while to fully understand me. Now that she does, our relationship is better and there has been a load lifted from me as well. I am a better man being able to express the woman within than to keep it all bottled up inside.

  49. Just Chris 16 February, 2010 at 02:27 Reply

    I thought I hit the jackpot when I was 23 years old and met my wife. She was my dream girl; beautiful, smart, and kinky. Most important to this discussion is she was the girl who brought my female side out.

    She helped pick out my wig and clothes, taught me how to do my makeup, taught me how to walk, sit and so on like a proper lady. She encouraged me to get dressed up. She also liked playing BDSM games with me dressed .

    Sounds like heaven doesn’t it?

    But time passed and at some point it dawned on her that my dressing was not just a passing fantasy, not the “flavor of the month” she thought it was. That’s when it started to scare her and she pulled away, feeling like she had created a monster. Eventually she would have nothing to do with it at all and she viewed anything I did without her as a betrayal.

    This has been going on for FIFTEEN YEARS

    I think some women are *very flippant* when it comes stuff like cross-dressing and bdsm. Sure they think it’s “hot” because it’s new and different, an erotic novelty. It may even bolster their image of themselves as a “sexual outlaw” (as it did with my wife). But what happens when the novelty wears off?

    I see two possibilities. Either the woman will dump you or if she loves you she might stay with you and *tolerate* your xdressing. But for most women like my wife, it will be very hard on them to do so and cause them a lot of pain and they will ultimately wish you to stop.

    If you want to see what I’m talking about, subscribe to the CDSO mailing list.

    http://www.tri-ess.org/spice/CDSO/CDSO.htm

    This is a support group for wives of cross-dressers. My wife belonged for a time several years back and we would read the posts together. We left the group because we became overwhelmed with the complete lack of hope and pain displayed by these women over their husbands xdressing. I read the posts too and it was absolutely heartbreaking to hear how much pain and torment these men had put their wives through.

    Sure there are women who will embrace cross-dressing long term, I see their posts here. But what are we talking about? .1% of the female population? You will be struck by lightning, bit by a shark, AND survive a plane crash before you EVER meet anyone like that.

    So I guess if all you want to do is date, then you can probably find multiple women who will find this aspect of you *hot*. But if you are looking for a life partner, that person needs to understand the *permanence* of this piece of you; that it is a natural expression of the psycho-dynamics of your personality and will be embraced by both of you until death do you part.

    If I could go back knowing what I know now, I should have had this kind of talk with my wife when we were 25. Unfortunately I can find no evidence that I wouldn’t *still be single* if I had.

    PS
    I want to be clear I am not angry with womankind in general or my wife for not accepting this side of me because…

    If the shoe were on the other foot and my wife wanted to dress as a man and treat me like her gay partner…I would find it repulsive and there is NO WAY I would put up with it.

    • Just Me 1 November, 2010 at 00:42 Reply

      I luv my hubby, and as I call her my best friend we have been married for 18 and would not want to change him – I think i am a lucky woman to have the best of both worlds a stunning hubby and a special friend – I am so sorry for the way things have turned out for u and the way u have to live ur life and thanks for the web address but i don't want to go and read negative emails. I want to read this site all the good stuff – I just sometimes wish i could help him find a friend that cross dress like him he really long for a friend to share feeling with if u know what i mean – I do try my best but I think he wants someone that can help him understand or just someone who shares this with that also have to go through the things he has to – when we go on holiday it is not a holiday with hubby it is holiday with my special girlfriend out kids know and luv him to bits we all go on holiday together wow the best time ever.

  50. Kat 24 January, 2010 at 16:48 Reply

    Hi Vanessa

    I’m going to try to write this without sounding naive or childish…
    Me and my boyfriend are both seniors in high school, and we love each other very much and have been together for three years. About three months after we got together he first tried women’s underwear (all kinds), and soon told me he really liked it because we’ve always been extremely open and honest with each other. As time goes by, he wants more and more feminine clothing. When we talk about living together in college he talks about wearing bras, skirts, tight jeans, heels, etc.

    I’m completely fine with his tendencies, I have very liberal views. But sometimes I can’t help fearing him “turning gay”. I’m very sure he’s attracted to me, so this could mean he’s bisexual… I just get confused when I start to think about it in depth.

    Any advice? There’s know one I can talk to about this, and I just wanted to comment on how wonderful I think this blog is! Thank you thank you thank you<3

    • Ragina 16 February, 2010 at 12:53 Reply

      Dear Kat,
      Hi, my name is Ragina. I’ve been a crossdresser for a verylong time and I have enjoyed it. I can understand your fears about him “going gay”. There is always that chance, but more often than not, this will be a heterosexual thing. The best advice I can give you now is to sit down and have a long talk with him and find out exactly where his head is at. Also, there are several very good books available that discuss the subject of crossdressing and relationships in greater depth. Trust the love you have for each other, and be patient with your boyfriend while he is working out his part of the equation,eg,where he wants to go with crossdressing. Most of all, love yourself. You sound like you have a pretty stable relationship. Use that and build on it, and try to see that his crossdressing can be a good part of the relationship. Be open and learn all you can.
      I pray that you will be patient. Write back soon and tell me how things are going. Love, Ragina

    • Keith 23 March, 2010 at 05:30 Reply

      Dear Kat, It seems the hardest stereotypes for crossdressers to deal with are the “he must be bi/gay” or “he wants to be a woman”. When I started crossdressing at age 13 I had NO ONE I could talk to. Back in the early 70’s if I would have tried talking to someone about it, they probably would have had me commited. Knowing there was a big gap between myself being a kid and that one thing every cd dreams of, ACCEPTANCE, and as I was being a kid that enjoyed wearing lingerie and stuff I felt for sure I was THE ONLY kid in the world that felt what I did. Your bf has one heck of a great head start, You, and your acceptance. That is almost worth its weight in gold. I think the issue you are struggling with is not something for you to worry about. If he told you such a secret as him crossdressing, then I am almost positive that he would feel at ease enough to mention any thoughts he might be having about any sexual encounters with another guy. Just because many of us guys wear lingerie, silky things, etc. Does not mean we have a desire to give another guy oral or have another guy do us anally. You have Love, Trust, Understanding, Openmindedness, and you both love each other I assume. Go with that and dont worry about the other stuff. Ask him to be respectful of you and if he ever has those feelings to please let you know so you can talk about it like adults. And To YOU – I Say a VERY BIG THANK YOU. I feel like you can inspire other young ladies and not so young ladies to realize that what society deems as unacceptable, You make it sound like it could almost be fun for other women if they could open their minds and hearts a bit more. GOOD LUCK TO THE BOTH OF YOU

      Keith,, an Oregon Crossdresser

    • Keith 23 March, 2010 at 05:53 Reply

      Kat,,,,,, Also I wanted to say that people dont suddenly decide to “go gay”, thats like crossdressing, we dont wake up one day and decide to “become a crossdresser”, if its something we have in our own minds then it has been instilled in our minds long before. Me for example, I was born a crossdresser, I just didnt act on the thoughts and emotions I had about crossdressing until I did. So did I wake up one day and decide to become a crossdresser ? No, One day I acted on the curiosity I had about what it would feel like to wear a bra. If your bf is wondering how it feels to have sex with another guy then more than likely I would say he has thought off and on about it, its when he decided to pay attention to those thoughts and give them a “2nd thought”. I will say that I am bi-sexual/bi-curious. I have had many thoughts about it myself and even a few encounters, but I feel you and your man have a great thing going so far. Just support him like you do, keep things fun, and dont stress over whats not important or an issue.
      On a personal note I wish there was a few hundred thousand other women out there that think openminded like you do. I would love to meet my open and accepting woman someday.

      • Capital 4 August, 2010 at 13:08 Reply

        I like to have my toenails painted and think all guys should paint their toenails. I also like to wear panties. My wife is okay with it, we been married over 25 years. I'm not gay nor bi.

        • Toni 4 August, 2010 at 17:31 Reply

          I do the same thing…I wear things that can be concealed when in public if I'm not expressing my femiinine side. I love to wear anklets, belly bands, etc.

  51. Kellen 23 January, 2010 at 21:31 Reply

    Hi! I found out after 32 years my husband cross dresses.( I stumbled on his notes) I am a senior now. Don’t know where to turn to. very hurt. He goes on sites and loooks at porn and wants to do it with someone else. I can understand abit about the cross dressing since he has kept that inside all these years. He tells me we’ll see where it goes. His goal about being with another CD or doing it doesn’t fit with the cd mode. My one son came out 4 years back. I can handle that but this is so hard. I feel all used. He worte on one site one should be honest. He wasn’t with me. I feel I can’t trust him. I went to some of the sites and Hd says I am spying. I ‘m his wife. My other son is handicap.
    He says he has no urge for being afelmale but I read otherwise. I have ordered the book. Thanks for any help and or advice. Very Hurt

    • Rose 2 February, 2010 at 10:54 Reply

      Hello everyone, my name is rose i am 17 years old and i am married to a crossdresser i know i am young to be married but thats not why i am here i dont know what to do i love my husband so much i cant live without him. weve been married for 8 months now and well its great except for the moments he crossdresses i am not saying i hate him for what he does but i feel betrayed and self concious about myself when he does this . of course he didnt tell me before we got married, he told me about 3 weeks into it but little by little one day i cought him in the shower sitting on the floor just thinking and i asked what was wrong and he say babe i have to let u know something i thought he was gonna say something like omg but all he said was ive worn a thong before and i liked how it felt my reaction to that was okay great thongs are hot i supported that then the next week while he was getting ready for work he put on one of my bras and asked how it looked i was like????? what the heck okay then i accepted that as a joke then like a month later again i cought him on the shower floor sitting down thinking and i asked what was wrong and this time he told me he liked wearing womens lingerine and clothes and i was shocked but i dnt scream or run or yell i just sat there looking at him like okay? i asked him to explain he did and he said he liked doing it that it turned him on that it wasnt a one day thing, i went with it i tried to accept it as much as i could i really did we would go shopping and he would tell me i like that thong i would say ok and we’d buy it and a wig and his own makeup everything that he needed. but then i didnt feel right i had so much i dnt know how to say it umm like hate to what he was putting me through i felt betrayed i felt dirty i would cry i would write to myself i would try to cope with it in anyway that i could because i knew i couldnt tell my mom or my friends my problems which i was used to doing and i couldnt talk to my husband cause i never wanted him to feel bad. i am just so confused and sad i dont understand myself i want to accept him and what he does and most of the time i do i hide what i feel and let him do what he likes and then out of so long of holding it in i pop and tell him that i want to leave that i cant handle it but i just cant… i need a friend to talk to someone that kan tell me things will be okay that i can handle this please right back or email me roseyjavi@hotmail.com thanks

      • willowreed 2 June, 2010 at 15:42 Reply

        Hi Rose,
        I know its hard, but these men really ARE very very caring individuals. Their wiring is different than normal men but that same thing that causes them to cross dress causes them to be extremely caring. I know its a shock to find out your man does that, it was kinda shocking to me when my man came out to me, but as long as he cares for you and treats you well, really, yanno ..that is pretty dang good these days.

        You are young, sounds trite but I know where you are coming from. My first marriage happened when I was 23, a little older than you but I bet I was more of an ingenue then most people at that age.

        I married the wrong guy. I met this one in 2000 and I am very glad I did. My own problem is that he has been talking to some people( I do NOT like) that keep telling him he has to make modifications (like doing his brows and stuff) that really really ..I do NOT want him to do. I know I will need to confront him about it but I don't want to squash his creativity. Or worse, make him think I don't love him. I worry about that myself.
        But anyway, I KNOW things WILL be alright for you, as long as you can keep the communication going. Yes this cross dressing stuff is difficult to cope with for us 'normal' women. We want normal. AND we should HAVE normal most of the time, but remember he needs what he needs as well. Its a huge compromise.

        If you need to talk, am around 😀

  52. Rene 18 January, 2010 at 14:30 Reply

    I embrace my husbands cross dressing. I was his mother rather then he who told me long before we were married and I found it fascinating. He was actually quite embarrassed when I asked him about it and somewhat in denial but I soon convinced him that we all were different and I had no problem with it as a matter of fact i was dying to see him cross dressed. The main thing we discussed was that if we were going to be married we should have no secrets from each other and never be afraid to share our feelings.

    We have been married a number of years now and I still openly encourage him to cross dress nights and weekends. I find him much more docile and attentive when he is dressed and when he is dressed he is far more open about his feelings. My advice would be that if you really want honesty in your marriage then embrace your husbands cross dressing. It is harmless and from what I have read the need on his part will never go away. If you want honesty in your relationship you have to be willing to embrace his honest feelings.

    From a wife whose been there.

  53. Jennifer 28 November, 2009 at 06:46 Reply

    I found a picture of my husband dressed in women’s clothing on his laptop. The pic was cropped from the chin down. But make no mistake it is him! I tried not to act shocked, even though I was so hurt that this secret had been kept from me. I asked him if it was him, told him he looked sexy. He kept saying “That’s not me!” -We endeed up having sex right there in his office. I don’t know if he was turned on or trying to change the focus..?? Anyway, I have tried to talk to him about it but he won’t. Keeps saying “some things are private”. I can’t accept that…I started buying nighties and things for the bedroom for him/us. He happily “lets” me dress him, gets totally turned on and we have amazing sex. My question is how do I let it go that he is unwilling to talk to me? I am hurt because I am his wife and if he hasn’t told me then who? -who took the pic I found? He also looks at porn-I’ve known about from the beginning. I have been told by many males in my life (friends, brother..etc) that all men look at porn sometimes. So I let it go-don’t like it but let it go..I don’t like it because I get jealous. Why would he look at that when I am at home and NEVER turn sax down? The porn he looks at is women-mainly bondage. I have ropes and things too! I have never seen any tranny porn or men. However, he does like when I use a vibrator on him-hmmm? That came out of no where one night too! I can’t imagine that was the first night for that either! Of course remember we can’t talk! I need advice on how to just let go of my need to have a discussion…it will never happen! do you think he can’t admit this to himself? Me dressing him makes it -“my thing” and not his? Is he in denial? How much more supportive can I be? We watch porn together, I dress him…..Will he ever open up to me? Or has he in his own way? (without words)…If anyone could shed some light ….

    Thanks
    Jennifer

    • Vanessa L 28 November, 2009 at 16:47 Reply

      Hi Jennifer,

      He’s such a lucky guy to have someone as understanding as you. Oftentimes crossdressing can be full of shame for men. Even though you know and are accepting, he may not accept himself. You don’t say how long you have known, but if you found out only recently, then perhaps he’s still getting comfortable, and a while longer of support and understanding will help him open up.

      You might also want to make it safe for him to admit – let him know that you won’t think less of him, or think in any way he’s not a man.

      Good luck dear! Let us know how it goes.

  54. "kelly" 13 September, 2009 at 07:06 Reply

    I began dressing as a girl when I was 10 and when I was 14 my girl-friend dressed me as a girl for halloween with her not knowing I had already done it many times.I enjoyed the thought of being dressed as a girl BY A girl and after the party she wouldn’t let me take off the skirt and wig,pantyhose and heels as she told me she thought i was cute dressed as a girl and should let her dress me more often.I later told her that I LIKE to dress up (crossdress) as I showed her all my Girl clothes,shoes etc. I had collected.She thought it was so ironic that I like to dress up in the same style clothes as hers as she was also 14.She sadly had to move outta state when she was 20 and have kept in touch over the years as I send her pics of me dressed up as she sends me pics of her dressed up in cute outfits as well.It seems like the older I have become my desires to crossdress have become alot stronger as I only dress up in private and to halloween party’s now and then.

  55. scaredbutnotsilent 11 September, 2009 at 10:22 Reply

    I’ve read through these posts over and over and can’t help but to cry when i realize how much i know what most of these women are going through. my situation is similar but also remarkably different than most women.

    my boyfriend (of 2 years) and i were acquaintances before ever dating, and i knew from a mutual friend that he crossdressed. never having that be a part of my life before knowing him, i didn’t realize what that entailed. i assumed it was something he did from time to time that made him happy, and when we started dating i had no qualms about it. we began dating exclusively and eventually moved in together. upon moving in together i wanted to become more involved in that side of him, as it was obvious we were becoming serious. this is where our story is different. i learned that my boyfriend was not just a CD, but a CD for money. it is his job. he has a website and performs “cam shows” for paying customers as “melissa”. he works from home, obviously, and chats with men, women, and CDs regularly as well as takes pornographic videos and photos of himself as “melissa” for them. he has never asked to bring “melissa” into our sex life and also does not want to hang around the house dressed or anything of the sort. he only dresses when he is “working” and this is only sporadic through the week. i have tried many different ways to cope with him being transgendered; I’ve assisted him in taking his photos and videos, i sit and talk with him while he is transforming into “melissa”, and at some points I’ve completely distanced myself from it and let him have his own thing. it is a very real pendulum of feelings. he has had gay relationships in the past and has also shown interest in meeting up with other cd’s to hang out. but since we’ve been together he has promised me that he has done nothing physical with anyone else. my problem is, while he is working, i feel like he escapes reality and doesn’t know where to draw the line. i check his email and see how he explicitly talks with both males and females, and have found “melissa’s” profile on transgender dating sites. we are very open and communicative with one another so i voice my opinion on those things freely.i have tried setting up boundaries for him as melissa, but he continues to disrespect me and our relationship when he is dressed as her. i feel like i have tried every way possible to make this work for us because he is a very understanding and loving man, and i want to be with him forever. he always uses that it is his “job” for an excuse as to why he does and says those things, even though i know a lot of the interaction has no monetary value for us. also, he cannot have this “job” forever. he knows his “time” is running short for being able to do this for money, as he is getting older and more masculine looking with age. i am afraid that even after he finds a career, the urges to be “melissa” will still be there. im so confused. should i get out now before I’ve invested too much into someone ill never love, or should we try even harder than we have to compromise and hope for the best? any advice is appreciated.

  56. Thais Bueno 8 September, 2009 at 13:06 Reply

    Hello,
    I’m happily married for 7 years and since the begining I knew my husband like to dress like a woman.
    I never accepted that and alwyas avoided the subject to avoid confusion. Lately the urgies are becoming worst and he wants to bring this to our day-day live.
    I dont know what to do and we will now start couple therapy which i truly hope that will help our marrige.
    I went to his therapist and asked the one question that keeps my mind busy and I want to hear from you if im crazy or not. Is my husband going to become gay once i decide to accept this?
    Many Thanks, Thais

    • Patti 9 September, 2009 at 08:23 Reply

      Just because he likes to crossdress does not make him gay.

      To him, it’s probably more like a lesbian relationship than it is a gay relationship.

      If he’s your size, your clothes will double and you’ve also got a man who better understands you than you are giving him credit for.

      I don’t know of a woman out there that does not like their man understanding them better.

      You’ve got something special, Thais. A man that loves and cares about you. Enjoy it! :)

  57. J marsh 13 August, 2009 at 09:15 Reply

    Hello people,

    Trying not to sound like a pervert, but I am lying on the bed in my wifes maid outfit, heels and stockings. There is nothing more I would want, than to tell here how I am. After 8 years together, you think I would, and think after I while she may undertsand. She knows that I am not gay, but that I like beads and butt plugs. I dont wont to get into a detailed discussion, but I wont my wife to know, I wont much more, such as her using a strap on, on me, but I know that is further down the line.

    Any advice, greatfully received

    JM

  58. Madam Star 20 July, 2009 at 13:45 Reply

    I, too, married a crossdresser who I love very much. We were together for 2 years before he admitted it to me. I was shocked and thought it was a bit bizarre at first. We have now been together for 15 years and could not be happier! I participate and support him wholeheartedly (helping him to purchase outfits, etc). He has no desire to become a woman and has lost his internal conflicts and stresses that he had while hiding it from me.
    I love it when he wears lingerie for me but he occasionally likes to be fully dressed and made up.
    I think it would be wonderful if there were a place where hetero CD’s and their wives/girlfriends could go and have fun and just get to know each other without the fear of ridicule.

  59. LadyStormDragon 20 July, 2009 at 10:48 Reply

    Hello everyone,

    I would like to start with this, i support everyone weather there Gay, TG,Cd or whatever you may be, i think it is nice to have diffrence in the world an , i belave people could be more accepting in the later years. We hope.

    Well here’s my little story, I am happly engaged to a wonderful man who cross dress’s an I am not to sure why he does it but I support him very much. It is kind of hard though being as we live with his mother an she doesnt support him with it, nor anyone else in his family. Luckly mine supports him with love. We don’t know any other cross dressers at all, an ( i mean this with love) some clothes just dont look right but I work with him on it . I love him to peices (forgive the spelling). I was wondering if there are any sites that you can make friends with people who cross dress an people he could acctualy talk to an have fun with, just hanging out or something. He has been alone with with this for years till he met me an my family, I would like to fix that problem but with todays people wanting to shoot you or beat you up when you cross dress its kind of hard. I would even like to find a place that he can meet friends that cross dress who have wives girlfriends or something an have a get together an have a Fem party or something. If anyone knows where some sites are please let me know. Rember I support you all an huggs to everyone.

    • ZAHEER (ZARINA) 6 October, 2009 at 00:56 Reply

      ZAHEER (ZARINA) says:
      OCT 6th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
      i am ZARINA a CD from India. I am married for the last 10 years. and having no kids also.

      Its very difficult and tricky situation to reveal your secret that you are a cd to your wife. i told my wife that one of my friends participated in a fancy dress competition conducted by his office staff(it was a fact) and he challanged me that no one could look better than him in a female get up. That part of the story(his challenge to me) was a lie. I told my wife that i took the challenge and i wanted to out do him in makeup and dressing to look like a passable girl. I showed my friend’s picture also to my wife.

      My wife laughed at the idea but agreed to take up the challange and we together shopped around buying inner garments, make up items and even a suitable wig. Then one night we started practising. When i married to my wife i started growing a mush as i genuinely wanted to give up cding at that juncure of my life. But then it is a fact that
      ‘ONCE A CD IS ALWAYS A CD’.
      That night i shaved off my mush after many months and my wife started doing the make up on me. At the end of it we both found that i really looked like a beautiful girl. Then the unexpected happened. My wife hugged and kissed me and said i looked great as a girl. I thanked her profusely. We took some pictures and i asked her whether i could remain in that dress for some more time as both of us spend so many days for this day. She happily agreed. She then gave me the name Zarina to me and called me by the name and asked me how i liked it. I was in cloud nine. The whole night Zarina(me) and my wife were discussing the finer points of make up, dresses etc. Then i removed my dresses(half heartedly) and went for sleep.

      Next saturday we received prints of the photos and me and wife sat together and scrutinised the pictures.
      she was critically analysing the photos and told me there was still room for improving my make up and to my surprise asked me how about trying it that night again. I was thrilled. That night she made some corrections in my eyebrows and concentrated more on my eye make up. When it was done, i looked really stunning and my wife looked really pleased. She complimented me that i was a very pretty girl. Then we took more photographs which followed by more girlish talk. My wife told me she liked zarina, as with zarina she could talk more female oriented subjects like fashion, makeup, garments etc. My God, what a releief was it for me…that my better half liked the female side of me.

      Over the days, she showed great interest in perfecting my makeup, buying more fashionable dresses for me and both of us were very relaxed and enjoying the sessions.

      Now zarina has become part and parcel of our life.
      I am not suggesting that you should tell a lie to ur spouse to get it started. But that was what i did . I never hurt her. We are a happy couple with Zarina also contributing to our happiness.
      Love,
      ZAHEER (ZARINA)

      • GiGi 12 November, 2010 at 08:46 Reply

        Hi, I think you have great points and I liked your post. It seemed a little ludicrous, though, to get to the end and find out that you are the crossdresser, not the wife. (This should have dawned on me since wives would obviously not be looking for an article on how to react to finding out about something they'd never have wanted or suspected– a.k.a. "the day my whole life had been changed on me".)

        It really pains me that too much of the info about this topic is coming with an inherent bias from the crossdresser's side– I've even felt like I was getting a slanted/sugar-coated view of CDing through people I've met through TRI-ESS.

        It's WRONG that CDers have a very wide support group, whereas wives/SOs (who represent an equal number of involved parties in these relationships) do not. I have found it very hard to find a relatively unbiased /supportive haven where I can discuss my feelings/needs/fears/frustrations and get a realistic picture of what's yet to come in order to make an informed decision about how I can go about protecting and preserving *me* in this relationship.
        (to be continued…)

        • zara 19 November, 2010 at 21:28 Reply

          Hi guys,

          I really need someone to help my with all these emotions and realisations that I am having at the moment.
          SOMEONE PLEASE SHED SOME LIGHT!
          I have been married for 10 years, and about 3 years into our marriage I went away for the weekend with some girlsfriends and arrived home a little earlier to find a wig (long straight black hair like mine) on the lounge room couch. Obviously I was wondering what it was doing there, so I phoned him and ask what it was for. He rplied saying " that we needed to talk" and we would talkk when we got home. So when he got home he explained to me that he enjoyed wering my underwear and makeup on occations when I was't home. I freaked…..but i still loved him so we decided to work through the issues. He told me that he wanted to get help and didn't wantt to do it again. He said he beleived it could have started when he was young when his mother put on a pair of his sisters tights on him under his jeans during the cold days in winter as they had to walk to school. He eventually stared exploring with his sister and mothers clothes… he also told me that he gets sexually arroused when he cd's and enjoys himself.

        • Debbie Briody 28 December, 2010 at 22:40 Reply

          Gigi, I completely agree. My husband told me that he was a crossdresser 18 months ago, when we’d been married for nearly 16 years, with four children. He then promptly had a breakdown. After this I think I had one too, but didn’t feel I could speak to anyone about the issues behind it, so I sought help online. Only to have the same experience as you – nearly all the counselling material is written with a CD slant….I love my husband immensely, but I just can’t be involved in his CDing. I would also dearly love to be able to discuss this with others who are in a similar place, without feeling disloyal or selfish (that’s how the CD slant makes me feel). I need to know how to protect me, in order that I can act to protect my family.

          I have also discovered that most GPs have no idea how to deal with this sort of stuff…so how do I find someone to talk to?

          I even tried the Samaritans, but they told me that since I was strong enough to seek help, I didn’t qualify for theirs!

          • Patricia M 8 February, 2011 at 01:26

            I totally hear you Debbie. I found out 3 months ago that my husband of 10 years is a cross dresser. We have two children so although I am totally uncomfortable with the idea, I decided to try and come to terms with it. Everything I’m finding tells me to accept it, embrace it, and continue to love him the same way I did. I just don’t feel that way and I’m becoming less and less sure of myself in the process. I don’t want to be unhappy and uncomfortable in order to make him happy but I also don’t want my marriage to dissolve and have my children grow up without having their father with them through everything.

  60. sheela 3 July, 2009 at 21:48 Reply

    i am sheela a CD from India. I am married for the last 15 years and having two lovely kids also.

    Its very difficult and tricky situation to reveal your secret that you are a cd to your wife. i told my wife that one of my friends participated in a fancy dress competition conducted by his office staff(it was a fact) and he challanged me that no one could look better than him in a female get up. That part of the story(his challenge to me) was a lie. I told my wife that i took the challenge and i wanted to out do him in makeup and dressing to look like a passable girl. I showed my friend’s picture also to my wife.

    My wife laughed at the idea but agreed to take up the challange and we together shopped around buying inner garments, make up items and even a suitable wig. Then one night we started practising. When i married to my wife i started growing a mush as i genuinely wanted to give up cding at that juncure of my life. But then it is a fact that
    ‘ONCE A CD IS ALWAYS A CD’.
    That night i shaved off my mush after many months and my wife started doing the make up on me. At the end of it we both found that i really looked like a beautiful girl. Then the unexpected happened. My wife hugged and kissed me and said i looked great as a girl. I thanked her profusely. We took some pictures and i asked her whether i could remain in that dress for some more time as both of us spend so many days for this day. She happily agreed. She then gave me the name Sheela to me and called me by the name and asked me how i liked it. I was in cloud nine. The whole night sheela(me) and my wife were discussing the finer points of make up, dresses etc. Then i removed my dresses(half heartedly) and went for sleep.

    Next saturday we received prints of the photos and me and wife sat together and scrutinised the pictures.
    she was critically analysing the photos and told me there was still room for improving my make up and to my surprise asked me how about trying it that night again. I was thrilled. That night she made some corrections in my eyebrows and concentrated more on my eye make up. When it was done, i looked really stunning and my wife looked really pleased. She complimented me that i was a very pretty girl. Then we took more photographs which followed by more girlish talk. My wife told me she liked sheela, as with sheela she could talk more female oriented subjects like fashion, makeup, garments etc. My God, what a releief was it for me…that my better half liked the female side of me.

    Over the days, she showed great interest in perfecting my makeup, buying more fashionable dresses for me and both of us were very relaxed and enjoying the sessions.

    Now Sheela has become part and parcel of our life.
    I am not suggesting that you should tell a lie to ur spouse to get it started. But that was what i did . I never hurt her. We are a happy couple with Sheela also contributing to our happiness.
    Love,
    Shella.

    • Ragina 17 December, 2009 at 17:05 Reply

      Hello sheela, my name is Ragina from the USA. I loved your story and would say that even if you had to strech the truth a bit, look at what you havegained from it. I have met many Indian women and my personal opinion is that Indian women are some of the most beautiful women in the world. You are fortunate to have a wife who enjoys helping you to become a better crossdresser.Love nher for all you are worth. Those women are rare indeed.

  61. Jen 3 July, 2009 at 10:28 Reply

    Hello all,
    Alohagirl I feel that you and I have similar stories. My husband told me 2 years after we got married. I have been ok with it and have tried to even be as supportive as possible. I find that even after year of us having hedro sex (I thought he was fully enjoying) he get more aroused when he is dressed or thinking about being dressed. He also like anal a lot and that (much like you) makes me question his sexuality. He swears that he is fully straight and loves me (and women in general) but loves it in his but. I just don’t know how that could be. I have been with other men who wouldn’t even consider any activity back their and my DH has until recently acted as if he feels the same. The whole thing is just so confusing. I love him so much and our family but most days I wish this wasn’t even an issue or at least I wish I still didn’t know about it. Good luck and thanks for listening.

  62. Yvonne 17 June, 2009 at 23:03 Reply

    When I first realized that I wanted to crossdress in earnest, I had already been married 24yrs. When young, I would always go thru my mothers copy of ‘Fredricks’ and think ” how nice many of those dresses were and wished I could wear some of them. But it wasnt till I turned 49 that I decide to Crossdress in earnest.
    I was one of those men who would have like to but didn’t because “Men are not suppose to wear womens clothing, if they do? something is wrong!” So I never said anything untill 24 years into marriage. when I finally did tell her, she asked me how far I waned to go with it? all of a sudden I felt like a kid in a candy store. It started out well. We went to wal-mart and I started picking things out to wear, slips, panties,skirts, etc. not considering how doing so might affect her and in the long run she ended up hating it. Remember. Your wife or girl frind wants to live her life with or around a man, not a women and when you tell her suddenly that “You want to Crossdress?” well, its quite a shock, both mentally and emotionally to them, especially after marriage (best to tell them before marriage if your sure thats what you are.) When I told my wife, I didnt do much research and especially on How to tell her and what to consider when I do. Remember! All kinds of things run through her mind. So research your feeling about crossdressing first then research what it might be like for her when you decide to tell her? Consider her feelings as well as your own. Then, if she is willing to let you have a go at it? Take it SLOW and COMMUNICATE with her every step of the way. Not doing so will extremely curtail your dressing, especially around her and even if she dosent totally accept it? At least she may let you go ahead and dress part time around her/house cause you took the time to consider her feelings about it and thats better than not being able to dress around her at all).

    • Vanessa L 30 June, 2009 at 21:47 Reply

      Yvonne, that is great advice.
      Do research.
      Take it slow.
      Communicate every step of the way.

      Such important advice for others in a similar situation.

      • Anna 24 August, 2009 at 00:48 Reply

        Hi,
        I am 25 old from India. My girldfriend is aware about my crossdressing. In fact she has purchased Bra, panties & nylons for me.
        Only sometimes she wants me not mention the crossdressing & I absolutely respect that. She is compromising by accepting my crossdressing. Can’t i do even this much to keep her happy?
        I think every crossdresser should try to convince their partner by showing some apathy.

        I started dressing up in bra n panties initially with my GF & now we are moving ahead with skirts & night gowns. She is accepting me slowly & encouraging me too.

  63. Alohagirl 27 May, 2009 at 16:18 Reply

    Hello Ann,
    I read your post and instantly felt a connection to you. Based on your posting, I think we might have similar concerns/worries. I posted my ‘story’ on April 23rd, if you want to read it. I understand how hard it must have been for you to find out. My husband and I have been together for 8 years, and thankfully, he told me before we married. I had a choice of whether or not to take the next step. There was a part of me that thought that I could change him, I guess.

    My husband often tells me that he’s ‘done’ – that he’s going to throw away the clothes and not dress up any longer. At first, I thought this was great, but what I’ve realized is that, as hard as it is for me to understand and accept, it is a PART of him and to deny that part of him is to deny a part of who I feel in love with. I would guess that your husband has been crossdressing since he was a child or very young. It is part of who I fell in love with, even if I didn’t know that about him.

    I know that when my husband tries to deny himself of dressing, either one of two things happen: (1) he lies about it cover it up and thinks that he’s not hurting me; or (2) the desire gets so intense that he has to dress and then it’s for a longer period of time.

    It’s a really tough situation – more so than I ever thought. I don’t know what to do most of the time. I worry about all sorts of things. I think the key is open communication and a willingness to stretch beyond your ideas of what a man/husband means. It defies gender lines and that makes it tough, among other reasons….

    good luck – if you’d like to talk more, let me know.
    cheers,

  64. GLINDA 8 May, 2009 at 13:06 Reply

    Hi, My hubby is a cder and I am so confused by this.I just don’t get it.I feel like the guy here.when I go shopping for clothes he’s always looking for him.When I put something nice on he dosen’t say that looks good he looks at me and says I wish I could wear that. You know how that makes me feel, Like I’m not the woman here.what makes men do this?
    Glinda

  65. wildflowerz 28 April, 2009 at 15:32 Reply

    My boyfriend just told me on Sunday that he is a crossdreser. He said he has been wanting to tell me for a while (we’ve been together 1.5 years) but didn’t know how. I’m not freaked out or anything, should I be?

    He and I don’t tell each other we love one another because I can’t stand the thought of telling him that I do and getting no response from him. Now that I know he is a crossdresser could this be part of the reason? He didn’t want to get too close because we could’ve broken up when he told me?

    He’s told people (I think mostly women) and none of them reacted well. I may have been the first person that didn’t freak out.

    I feel closer to him now than I ever have before. I knew he wasn’t telling me everything about himself and I felt that he would eventually tell me (and he did). He’s been hurt in the past and he’s also older than me so he’s more set in his ways (I guess) and seems to have a harder time dealing with rejection (never mind that past girlfriends weren’t supportive).

    I want to ask him if he wants me to participate with him. I don’t want him to think i’m mocking him but I wonder if a real life experience would be much more exciting?

    Thank you for having this website. I think I may need to rad other people’s stories and also need some support. Besides my boyfriend I don’t have anyone else to talk to.

    Thank you.

  66. Alohagirl 23 April, 2009 at 17:20 Reply

    Hi, I am new to this site, but am finding a lot of helpful posts and info, so thank you. I am a wife of a CD and have many questions that I hope to get some advice/answers about.

    My husband told me before we got married, which I appreciate. We’ve been married for about three years,but together for about eight. It is still very difficult to see him dressed, but I do admit, that I enjoy his company and our conversations when he is dressed.
    My concerns are: (1) recently, his need to CD has become more intense. He now has boobs, makeup, wigs, etc to be more and more ‘female’. One of my biggest concerns is that I will wake up one day to realize that he actually wants to be a woman. I don’t know if these ‘additions’ to be more feminine when CD’ed is an indication of that.

    My biggest concern is the fact that he is sexually aroused when CD’ed and has begun to regularly have anal sex with himself. I have a hard time even writing that…. I don’t understand how he could be straight (and apparently enjoy hetro sex), but still want to have anal sex with himself. What do you think? Also, he has recently acquired an entire collection of TS porn and seems to want to dress up and watch it…..

    I don’t want to lose him, but I also want him to live a life that he is destine to live. I feel like I might be holding him back.

    Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated. I have no one to talk to, as no one knows except me. thank you.

    • Vanessa L 26 April, 2009 at 22:21 Reply

      Hi love,

      Thank you for writing and for being willing to try to understand your husband’s crossdressing. I can understand how you must feel right now, at least from conversations my wife and I have had about this. It’s okay for you to feel scared and uncertain.

      Your fear about him one day wanting to be a woman is not unfounded. Truth be told, most crossdressers take a long time to accept themselves, much less discover who they want to be. There are many men who are quite content as crossdressers with no urge to have a sex change, even though they may dress to the nines for an evening out with makeup and wigs, etc. It may just be a desire to better pass as a woman. There are some men (a smaller percentage for sure) who decide to transition. Have you spoken with your husband about this? What does he say about his desire to be more feminine?

      I’m definitely not a doctor (I start to feel faint at the sight of blood ), though in some ways your second fear may counteract your first. I’ve read that many doctors consider a man who has sexual fantasies about being a woman a poor candidate for transition. If the need is primarily based on sexual urges, then losing those (along with other parts) may cause severe depression once the transition is complete.

      I must admit to being confounded by all the sexual proclivities and preferences. I would guess that a bisexual person would have similar desires (sex with a woman, as well as anal sex). I don’t want to be too much of a prude, I realize that most men, ahhh, consume porn of some fashion. I would start to worry if his transsexual fantasies are used a a replacement for a fulfilling sex life with you. How does his solo-activities make you feel?

      Does he belong to any groups, such as Tri-Ess? Some transgender support groups have wives/girlfriend only support groups. That may be a good place to find someone else to talk to who has gone through a similar experience. Please write back if you have any questions, I’d like to help however I can.

      Hugs,
      Vanessa

      • Just me 1 November, 2010 at 00:58 Reply

        Helo Alohagirl:
        I must admit that my hubby also look at porn like that I spoke to him about it – but i he is not sure why u do it – I have started to introduce a anal toy in our play as i read on the web that a man's (gspot) is anal but i use the toy on him not all the time but we have fun together – but i luv him just the way he is and accept him – the only concern i have like u is about the porn and just sometimes wish that things could be black and white no like wishing he is not a CD i luv the female in him but just wish he would stop watching this and just be honest and clear in what he want – but sometimes i think that things r so hard for him to deal with that he don't know how to express himself or what to do with all this feelings – I feel so sorry and so wish i had all the answers but u know what all i can do is be there for him and read ur stories and try and learn and be able to deal with my own self.
        Mwah have a fab day

    • Ann 27 May, 2009 at 14:45 Reply

      My husband is a crossdresser. He never told me he was and we were married 25 years when I learned. The only reason he told me was because someone we both knew saw him at a place he apparently was going. I was calm and listen. I tried to understand and tried to live with it. But, I don’t think I can. He tells me he is no longer going there and he has not done it since. I believe him but I know he wants to. He has seeked help through therapy. I feel like he cheated on me. Wasn’t honest and I doubt him now when I never did before. We haven’t had sexual relationship for over 2 years. He says he can’t. Seeking therapy there, too. I no longer look at him the same way. I love him but there is no passion. He loves me and has been with me through my illnesses. I am healthy now. I want to be happy. I want to be in love again. I just don’t know if I can. I hurt. I know a man never can be “cured” of the desires. I want him to be happy. I will not be happy if he continues. The family knows because he blames it on some abuse as a child. I don’t know if that is true or an excuse. The family thinks I am wonderful because I accept that he was but no longer. I don’t believe the “no longer” is for real. Am I hurting him by staying? Am I hurting me for staying? Do I accept that we have been friends all these years? Do I accept that we are older and need each others companionship? Do I let him have his desires and maybe find mine somewhere else but stay with him? I know he cannot handle if I were to leave him. “Do I stay or do I go?” There is probably no answers but as I read the comments I thought maybe there was someone out there that feels like me. I just want that person to know that someone else feels as they do.

  67. Marti 15 March, 2009 at 21:08 Reply

    I will admit there is a great deal of usful information here. My question is – what is a good compromise? For many CD’s I know (myself included) what we want in some cases is to continue to dress in secret. If someone found out we would be so mortified that the thought would drive us insane. I am not a huge fan of Tri-Ess but I agree that if it is going to come down to the wife knowing – talk to a professional and more importantly to each other. You will learn a lot more about each other than you thought you might ever want to know.

    • Vanessa L 19 March, 2009 at 18:42 Reply

      Marti: Do you mean a good compromise with your significant other? Or keeping it secret from others?
      Personally, I don’t think there is one “right” answer, and the degree to which you crossdress in front of your spouse and in public (or crossdresser clubs like Tri-Ess) is entirely dependent on what you are your wife feel comfortable with. Does anyone else have thoughts on this?

  68. skye 10 February, 2009 at 15:55 Reply

    Im scared that my boyfriend only wants me for the sex. He is a CDer and is vary turned on by it. I dont care about that, im just concerned that he just wants me because i accept him and want to have sex with him, not because of who I am. I dont know if that makes sense to anyone. Please, someone tell me im crazy.

    • Vanessa L 15 February, 2009 at 12:34 Reply

      Hey Skye,
      I don’t know the personal situation between you and your boyfriend, but throughout history men and woman have wanted people for less noble reasons than their true inner being. Whether it’s power, money, sex or family pressure. Wanting someone because they accept who you are may be no different, and perhaps less destructive.

      However it is important that you feel nurtured and loved in the relationship. If the entire relationship revolves around your acceptance of his crossdressing this is not any healthier than a relationship revolving around a large trust fund. If I were to guess based on my personal experience, I would say that he is most likely just overindulging in acceptance that has been so long in coming. At finally feeling validated for who he/she is, one seeks to attain more of that validation and support of one’s self worth. He may not be aware as to how you’re feeling and sharing those feelings in a sincere and loving way with him may be all that is necessary for him to change.

      Best of luck love!

  69. Maria Mazzeli 8 December, 2008 at 22:27 Reply

    Dear Vanessa
    I am marry to a Crossdresser and this is very difficult for me to accept. He never told me he was a CD. Before we were married i found him one night dressed up and i was very confused and furious. I thought with time this would change.

    I love him very much, but his CD takes over and he never knows when to stop. I am very tired that every night when i come home i find him on CD, i have told him many times that i wished that he would respect the fact that i am home and he would do this when he is on his own.

    I am very confused because i feel humiliated but he doesn’t seem to understand. His CD takes over and he makes it be more important than anything else.

    I do not what to do. I know that every night he kills what is left of me and i am tired that i always get angry.

    I need to know if i will ever learn to accept his CD.

    • Vanessa L 28 December, 2008 at 16:33 Reply

      Maria,

      Thank you for your note. I know that this is a scary and confusing time, and you have a right to feel angry at him for not telling you before you’re married.
      It sounds like you’re laying some of the blame, emotionally, on yourself for not accepting him. It also sounds like you’re more frustrated that he won’t listen to your concerns about CDing than with him actually being crossdressed when you get home. Him being crossdressed when you get home can be bad enough, but you may feel you’ve already told him not to, so he’s crossdressing and disrespecting you.

      The best advice I can give is to communicate and search for balance. I’ve struggled to do this myself in my marriage – I would crossdress 3-4 times a week if I could, and my wife would have me never crossdress. Somewhere in between there it’s worth establishing boundaries that allow us both to feel validated and respected. As in any other area of marriage, whether it’s finances or who gets to choose the TV show to watch, reaching a compromise that works for both of you can make things go a lot smoother.

      Love, please let me know if there is anything else I can do to help you two. Best of luck!

    • cuckholddon 30 December, 2012 at 16:53 Reply

      Respect for YOU?
      Tou “Could” incorporate this into your life-You say you are tired when you come home-How about-Making him you maid-Cook dinner for you-Rub your feet ect ect ect when you come home if he wants to be dressed fem?

  70. Zeljka 20 October, 2008 at 15:04 Reply

    Well, I am in a difficult position, my Wife doesn’t know yet and on the other side I’m afraid to tell Her because it seems to me that She wouldn’t like the news. Of course, when I’m home alone I use Her’s nylons and garters (which I bought for Her ‘cos I told Her I like it madly – but I never told Her I like to wear it also :) her shoes (with a little of pain because these are smaller) and I dream about She and I going out at the evening and me wearing her pantyhose under my trousers and only She and I would know it. This situation, I mean, only a thought about it turns me on. But I’m afraid it will never happen becuse I don’t know how to tell Her.
    HELP PLEASE!

    • Vanessa L 27 October, 2008 at 08:42 Reply

      Hi Gaia,
      First, thank you for being so accepting and loving of your husband. It’s wonderful that you find it fantastic! Before I get into your question I think this is a great time to do some research – Peggy Rudd’s book above as well as the book “My Husband Betty” – http://www.crossdresserheaven.com/best-cross-dressing-book-my-husband-betty/ are both good resources.

      To being part of the thrill, can you give me some more context? For me personally I enjoy looking as good as I can, and attention I appreciate would be the same as any woman who had dressed nicely and was complimented on it. I can only speak for myself, but attention from other women on how I’m dressed or presented is far more of a thrill than attention from men. And I think this is true for most crossdressers I know.

      This may be a great place to continue the open and honest communication with your husband, share your concerns (and you support) with him. He also has a responsibility to be forthcoming now that he has told you.

      Best wishes hon, please write again if you need more support, advice or just someone to listen.

      Hugs,
      Vanessa

      • Vanessa L 12 November, 2008 at 22:53 Reply

        Thanks for sharing Elaine, your story is one of hope for many crossdressers. It’s wonderful that you have such a positive and supportive relationship with your spouse, and that you’ve been able to integrate your crossdressing into your marriage in a way that both of you can enjoy.

    • becca 27 October, 2009 at 08:13 Reply

      Hi, You should tell her soon. I told my wife before we were married. I didn’t want to hide it from her. My wife is very open minded. After the shock, she did some research on her own, and we talked about it alot. It’s great now! I’m into lingerie. She asks me if I want to get pretty, about once a week. I love to wear a bra !!! She know that. She tells me how pretty I look when I’m wearing my bra. We go bra shopping alot. It is alot of fun wearing pretty bras and panties out when only you and your wife know. Good luck!!

      • Vanessa L 1 November, 2009 at 12:27 Reply

        I agree with Becca, that honesty is important in marriage. While timing of the decision is very personal, the longer you wait the more betrayed she will feel. And as Becca says, there could be some unexpected benefits :)

      • elle 4 March, 2010 at 04:44 Reply

        When I started dating my now boyfriend I never once thought, “What would I do if he was a crossdresser?”. As our relationship started to grow I would go to his house and would start finding ladies panties around. I would feel the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I kept my mouth closed for several weeks then I could not stand it any more. I confronted him about it. He came clean about it and told me that he enjoyed dressing in women’s clothing. Acourse after I picked my jaw up off the floor I was able to talk to him about it. I asked him why he just did not tell me about what he enjoyed…his response was, “You was just not ready to hear it yet.” But now, as it turns out I’m actually turned on with it and we to go shopping for his “cute” stuff and we have fun with it…Doing Ladies Day Out!!!!!

    • dado 12 December, 2009 at 12:48 Reply

      ja sam najsretniji covijek na svijetu.kad sam rekao zeni nakon19 godina braka da sam crossdresser toliko se napalila da mi sad ona kupuje odjecu i donje rublje i cipele.nemate pojma koliko sam sretan.

    • Gaia 26 October, 2008 at 10:37 Reply

      Hi Vanessa~
      My question is this, in a nutshell, he told me lastnight…I find it fantastic and have no issues with it….but, he said something that really boggles my mind and I can’t find any answers..I asked him if he would like me to shop for him for some welcome home gifts and he said yes…tops and bottoms..*trying to be discreet here*, he also said that was part of “the thrill, the attention”..what does that mean? Attention from who? Men, women, other CD’s, people in general? I am struggling with ths, because I don’t want a bombshell later if you know what I mean..can you help me?
      Thank you..
      Gaia

    • Elaine 8 November, 2008 at 08:05 Reply

      Hi Vanessa
      Thought i would tell you our story. I told my wife(M) when i first met her, before we had even thought of getting married or even engaged.
      It was a slow process at first as i introduced her to Elaine and my ‘extended’ wardrobe, which i believe ultimately helped her deal with any concerns.
      As time went on i became more confident with who i was and i can only put this down to M! as she gradually changed my wardrobe and made me look younger and more stylish in the process.
      We have great fun when we go shopping for both of us whether i am Elaine or not and we love going to events when we are able.
      We have a great marriage(now in our 12th year) and 2 wonderful girls to boot. I love my wife and am truly blessed to have her in not only my life but my heart, thoughts and actions every single day.
      Elaine

      • Tammy 12 March, 2010 at 11:05 Reply

        My husband is a wonderful man and he told me early in our relationship about his love of wearing womens attire. I love him emmensly, we just got married and want to start a family. How do any of you recommend discussing the crossdressing to our children? I don’t want to keep it from them but I don’t want them to feel different from their classmates once they are in school.

        • maggied 12 March, 2010 at 16:05 Reply

          Tammy,

          What a wonderful and important question. We all worry about hour our actions and lifestyles will affect our children. I was worried about the exact same thing at one time in my life and will share with you the advice I received from my psychologist.

          First your children will sense the emotions you and your husband feel about his dressing, so the two of you need to be completely honest with each other about how those feelings and how it effects you both of your lives emotionally. Your level of acceptance will be projected out onto your children, if you treat it as natural so will they.

          The important part throughout the process it to preach diversity from an early age. Unfortunately from preschool on they will be forced to interact with peers who will project the beliefs and mores of their parents. They will be subjected to all sorts of unfortunate biases including many racial, sexual, and religious biases. You have to remember these innocent children learned these biases from their parents. Many of these biases were deeply ingrained into their sub-consciousness minds before they were even three and without a major catalyst will be there for life.

          You cant control the way other people raise their children but you can yours. It is my belief that by introducing diversity into their lives from the onset including gender your children will be more loving and accepting of others and will live much happier lives.

          But please don’t take my opinion as fact, please, please, please, contact a professional who specializes in children and seek out their advice. I would never want to pass myself off as a professional.

        • willowreed 2 June, 2010 at 08:33 Reply

          I am afraid I will lose my man. I knew he cross dressed for a long time, but now its getting so where he listens to someone that is a shemale and thinks its ok to like…do his brows and stuff ( I LIKE his freaking eyebrows the way they are). Maybe I am a baby about it but I really don't like that part of it. Its enough that I accept that he cross dresses, but now its getting worse, to the point where he removed his body hair (which was perfect the way it was if you ask me). :( I don't want to break up with him because I love him, but its getting worse and worse every day :(
          I just do not know what to do anymore. I don't want him to stop something that he cannot control because that would be horrible, but I really miss how he used to look before all this crap happened. I don't care if you guys/girls (whatever you refer to yourselves as) hate me, but I want him to at least just leave his face alone. I miss the goatee (he looked amazing with it). :(
          am miserable, confused, and just feel like I want to jump off a bridge or something.

          • Vanessa L 2 June, 2010 at 21:29

            Hi hon,

            Sorry to hear that he's taking it further than you'd like. Have you had an opportunity to talk openly with him about this?

            It's not unheard of for part time crossdressers to want to take it further, but he owes it to you to be open about his intents.

            Hugs,
            Vanessa

          • Big Ol' Sissy 3 August, 2010 at 22:05

            In fairness, women don't want to have to get permission to change their hair color…to get multiple piercings…or even to get a tattoo. It's their bodies, after all. How would you feel if your man demanded you shave a certain way, or at a specific time? It's controlling behavior, no matter WHO is demanding it.

            Life is too short to be hung up on a goatee! It's body hair, for Pete's sake! Maybe you're too young to appreciate the bigger picture, but missing out on a loving relationship for want of stubble is a mistake you'd someday see…after it's too late.

        • Peter 26 September, 2011 at 14:56 Reply

          as a closet wearer of womens underwear and stockings etc…. I have a beard , and let me say that I would never shave it off.
          This stops me from wearing more clothes, but I want to remain fully male.
          I would think that if i removed the beard to look more feminine then I would be on the road to considering the shemale route.
          I have found my comfort zone and like many others,do not step out of it.
          ask him outright where his comfort zone extends and set reasonable boundries acceptable to both.
          and should he step outside of the zone, burn his clothes and see a lawyer.

          • Vanessa Law 26 September, 2011 at 15:48

            Oh hon,

            This is a terribly difficult for you. This is something that he is likely getting fulfillment from, and it sounds like you’ve read enough to know that this is not a choice but an innate part of who he is. Have you had a chance to have a heart to heart with him, and let him know how you feel while listening to where he’s coming from?
            I’m sure that he doesn’t mean to hurt you, but at the same time this is not what you want, and impacts your happiness. All I can offer are my blessings, I pray that you’re able to come to a positive place where both of you feel loved and appreciated.
            *hugs*

          • Devika 15 November, 2011 at 20:43

            I am Devika’s wife. In fact, when I knew that my husband (Komali Devika) is crossdresser, I was disappointed. However, as he has been good in bed as man, I thought there was no harm allowing him to dress him in saree. I encouraged him. I allowed him to grow his hair. I named him Devika, while in dress. Some times we (two ladies) go for shopping also. Now he is having mid-back length hair and also have a medium sized breast also. I do not use breast forms or any stuff for his breast. I use only padded bra, which is shown as real breast.

          • Antome 6 May, 2012 at 17:04

            Hey some boys pull off an androginous look with long hair and sometimes facial hair too, think about Ville Valo, Brian Molko, Jared Leto, etc.
            Short beard could go well with flamboyant, it maybe not outhright “feminine” outfits, or with some cleavage or gothic outfits. And also go creative with eyeshadow and nail polish too, if you want. If you groom yourself enough, a short beard will not pos an obstacle to the look. It’s even more assertive of our likeness to dress outside common code even as males.

        • janedon 27 July, 2015 at 19:31 Reply

          Very simple(how children prefer)—Playing dressup–
          Our kids/grandkids–friends kids& their parents seem to accept that explanation quite well-

    • cuckholddon 25 December, 2012 at 13:27 Reply

      Why do some folks consider this Shameful or harmful?
      It’s not like it hurts anyone or is harmful-just differant!

  71. Vanessa Law 28 March, 2008 at 22:13 Reply

    Hehe :) Yes. There’s always that small hope we have out grown cross dressing.
    I can relate to what you’re saying – I think the thrill of going out with someone we’ll grow to love makes us forget about cross dressing. Mis leading us into thinking that we’re “cured”.

    You said it right – if you keep talking and compromise. I think because we’re forced to do that with cross dressing, it may actually build a stronger marriage.

    Thanks for you comments Lynn, I enjoy reading them!

    Hugs,
    Vanessa

  72. Lynn Jones 28 March, 2008 at 14:25 Reply

    > Crossdressing often times slows down
    > as one grows into their twenties

    I wish someone had told me that when I was 22 :-) Joking aside, I think (and to use a cliche) in my heart of hearts, I knew that I’d be back. So, thanks for sharing.

    I met my future wife when we were both in our 20s. At that time I was – for want of a better word – ‘clean’ or ‘straight’. I really thought I could stay on the wagon but much later on…. ‘course we all know how that little tale ended. :)

    It’s a little over 10 years since I told her and H does her best to cope. I know she sometimes wishes I wasn’t like this (so do I some days) but it’s not the end of a marriage if you keep talking and comprimise is necessary. As someone once said, TG folk have had 10 – 20 years to get their heads around it, but wives and girlfriends? Only a fraction of that time.

  73. Vanessa L 28 December, 2008 at 16:20 Reply

    Hi Dipankar,
    Thanks for stopping by – it’s great to have you on Crossdresser Heaven. What’s it like in India? Is crossdressing taboo, or more accepted? I’ve read a few articles about the transgendered in India, but haven’t spoken with many crossdressers from India.

  74. me 13 August, 2009 at 14:53 Reply

    wow – most of you here are so accepting. 10 years into this for me and OH and I think he has thrown out the stuff he bought 3 times…just buys more I guess. I think he now hides it in a house he lives in away from home in the week.

    I hate it…hate it I thought it was funny 10 years ago before I had kids that he told me he liked to wear my pants to get akick out of…then it was eyeshadow, then it was wigs , shoes, stockings etc etc

    When I was pregnant I said no more it makes me sick and here we are 6 years later and lie after lie I am finding its still going on.

    I think it is a self indulgent sexual fetish and I think he should respect me and our children before putting his sexual needs first. Whats wrong with that?

  75. Vanessa L 15 August, 2009 at 08:42 Reply

    Hi me,

    I can understand your frustrations, and how it seems like he puts his needs ahead of those of your family. If I were to guess, his crossdressing is tearing him apart too. Many crossdressers feel guilt and shame, and then throw out what they’ve bought. This is often called a ‘purge’, with the desire to cleanse themselves of this impurity.

    Unfortunately, almost everyone I’ve spoken to has the need to crossdress return within a short while. Many who continue to deny it live with depression, or may even commit suicide. Society tends to view crossdressing as you do, as a ‘self indulgent sexual fetish’. For many men, it is not just a sexual fetish, but a deep need to express the feminine side of themselves.

    I know this is not easy for you, and makes your relationship more challenging. The best advice I can give is to communicate often. Share your feelings with him in a loving and caring way. Ask him to do the same. Open, honest heart to heart sharing is the only way I know of that couples can come through stronger.

    Best of luck dear!
    Vanessa

  76. fed up 18 September, 2010 at 15:10 Reply

    I think it is a self indulgent sexual fetish and I think he should respect me and our children before putting his sexual needs first. Whats wrong with that?
    how right you are, they can dress it up and make it sound like they are in touch with their femme side, but it get more hurtful as we have children, mu husband has no regards for me or the children when he is in his selfish mode, why should i accept this in our lives, all this respect and loving and understanding is bull. they married us and expect us to understand this, when in reality they want everything their way, and then it turns out to be somehow our fault because we dont understand, sorry for sounding bitter, but after years of marriage and compromise its just too much to take. xx i wish you luck, and tbh they never stop they just become good liars

  77. Lori 27 September, 2012 at 14:13 Reply

    I agree with you! I did that with my family and now I regret it. I am so sorry I wasn’t the best parent. I should have never told them about me.

  78. cuckholddon 17 December, 2012 at 08:42 Reply

    ME–Why is something so harmless so bothersome to you?
    Kids are very accepting of people who are “Differant” unless taught not to be(usally by excample(Watching) adults around them!
    Reading the Hatred you have-I’m thinking you have other issues with your hubby& are just using his Crossdressing as an excuse!

  79. Queline 30 September, 2009 at 19:50 Reply

    I sort of think my fiance might be into cross dressing. He has always dressed very well, and sometimes seems to enjoys dressing me more than himself. I just figured it was just him being him.

    The he dressed up as a girl on a bet, and he seemed to enjoy very well. Unfortunately, I think my opinion might be biased, b/c when he was dressed up, it turned me on to no end! I was so embarrassed that I didn’t know whether or not to let him know my thoughts

    But he has been hinting lately that he wouldn’t mind doing it again, and he always lets me do fun things to his hair and such so maybe if I asked extra nice he’d do it again.

  80. melissa 24 January, 2010 at 23:10 Reply

    is it possible that you guys aren’t attracted to being a women, perhaps you just want to be beautiful. You want your hair to be long cause you like long hair. You like makeup because it improves your face. You like silk and panty hoses and soft fabics ,because they are seductive and draw you in. C.S. Lewis said we don’t want to simply see beauty but go throught it. Perhaps you want to be as desired as you desire. You want her to feel about you the way you feel about . Male birds are more glorious than their female counter parts. wear vibrant colors and soft rich fabrics and wear gold too! but love being a man because its a gift to be one. and don’t worry about playing dress up, get your own clothes. men are awesome. Don’t worry about being strong because God made you a man to show you and the world how strong you really are. Remember God is God and he choses his bride and he is the lion,he is the king over his pride. We just want attention because we all have beautiful rainbows in our minds. The rainbow is God gift to everone, not just gays. The cross is for anyone who believes and only Jesus the son of God can forgive our sins.

  81. D 13 January, 2012 at 13:31 Reply

    If it turned you on then tell him it turned you on. If he doesn’t really like doing it you will find out. If he does like doing it you will find out. If he does like it and it turns you on . . . do I really need to go any further?

    Have as much fun as you can. Let him have as much fun as he can.

  82. Pedi 4 June, 2012 at 16:23 Reply

    so why don’t you tell him your thoughts? have fun with him if it turns you both on. there R many CDs that wish to have someone like you, a fem that turns on by thier derss ( like me), you r lucky honey

  83. maggied 25 January, 2010 at 15:14 Reply

    My wife Rene and I would like to thank you for your your insightful email reply to her post last week. I must say we both agreed with much of what you had to say.

    It may be psychological but I seem to have always had an inherent though conflictive desire to feel soft and pretty. Being raised in a strict religious mid western community in the 50’s I was brought up with clear cut set of rules as to masculine and feminine rolls, and if you crossed over you could face severe ridicule. As a man I was taught that I was supposed to be the strong silent provider. My wife was supposed to be the nurturer house keeper.

    Yet try as I may I could never fill the shoes that had been set out for me. I don’t know if it fed my desire to dress but I never felt that I was a success as a man. It seemed that my whole life centered around being what other men expected me to be and I never felt I could measure up to their standards.

    Dressing for me was an fantasy outlet where I could be me without having to measure up. When I dressed I would take on an entirely different persona where my spirits would soar and my depression would lift. I would no longer feel like a failure or out of role if I used a vacuum or did a load of laundry. I could be happy dusting and cooking for hours. Possibly, deep inside I felt that because I couldn’t live up to others expectations of me as a man then I somehow wasn’t really a man and a being a woman was my only other option, even if it were only fantasy.

    So when I met my wife and she embraced my cross dressing and me as a man at the same time it was as if the clouds had been lifted and the heavens open. And as I was encouraged by her to openly dress at home my life outside the home began to prosper. I became far more docile as well as successful in my work and increasing more involved in my community. My circle of friends widened and my disposition become much brighter.

    I agree with you that Christ never gives up on us and walks with us where ever we go and I thank him everyday for putting such a wonderful woman in my life. I could not began to express in writing just how much I love her. Though she encourages my dressing she in essence makes me want to be a better man.

  84. Dseacoast 13 December, 2010 at 06:45 Reply

    Good for you K. It would be so fun to go out in public with your wife while wearing her lingerie and clothing. It would be sexy and erotic to share those moments with your wife. I wear a lot of my wifes panties, stockings with garter, camisol and occaissional teddy. I am lucky that my wife and I are very close in size so I don’t stretch out her lingerie. I am pretty well endowed and my wife loves to see my package wrapped in her silky panties or falling out of one of her teddies. Some day maybe when traveling I would love to crossdress totally as a woman and lift my skirt to flash my wife! It is too bad that so many woman are hung up on crossdressing. Love your man and he will love you. Give it a chance, you might like it.

  85. Dseacoast 13 December, 2010 at 06:45 Reply

    Good for you K. It would be so fun to go out in public with your wife while wearing her lingerie and clothing. It would be sexy and erotic to share those moments with your wife. I wear a lot of my wifes panties, stockings with garter, camisol and occaissional teddy. I am lucky that my wife and I are very close in size so I don’t stretch out her lingerie. I am pretty well endowed and my wife loves to see my package wrapped in her silky panties or falling out of one of her teddies. Some day maybe when traveling I would love to crossdress totally as a woman and lift my skirt to flash my wife! It is too bad that so many woman are hung up on crossdressing. Love your man and he will love you. Give it a chance, you might like it.

  86. LGinCA 17 May, 2012 at 14:42 Reply

    As a woman who is married to a cd who did not come out until after ten years of marriage, fourteen years total, I have done a ton of research on this and it really is split in two. Either accept it or don’t. But I have developed a theory on this – because I found one common thread: it began before they were sexually active men, prior to adolescence. I believe cd men idolize women (their mothers in particular) and want to emulate them. They dress in their mother’s and sister’s clothes. They create a female identity. This gives them the comfort their child male side needs. I believe it is a type of multiple personality disorder that escalates in adulthood into two distinct persons living in one body. As the cd boy progresses into adolescence and his sexual desires emerge, the female persona becomes more than just a personality. It becomes a sexual being. This is why I constantly read about the anal sex, the erections when dressed. It is sex with your female self, no rejection, constant adoration, the whole package that men crave from women but seldom get. The she-porn is the ONLY proof of existence for these men. When they see “chicks with dicks” (even though it is not real but medically induced fantasy) they become convinced that they exist – two people, one body, one couple. Poor wife, you are basically a beard – a receptacle for semen, and proof to the rest of the world that they are “normal”. Dear Vanessa, I adore your site and all your hand holding of the poor wives, and advice to “grab a vine and swing on in” but it just is far more complicated than that for us. Patting us on the head and “hugs” don’t make this shit go away. This is not being bitter, it is saving ourselves and admitting we were lied to. Cd men should NEVER lie and make women feel bad about themselves for NOT being okay with this. I am not a hateful person. I love my husband. But he is different, and it biols down to sex. It always, always does, no matter how pretty of a paint stroke you wish to put on it. And this sex was NOT what I wanted. Unfortunately, I do not have a “daddy” side that is going to swoop in and tell me I can do whatever the hell I please, and hubby is just going to have to see a shrink. I think cd men a d the women who are into it should seek each other out, not cd men find women who expect a sex life of their choosing and then years into it be told “oops, there is this little thing I’ve been meaning to bring up”. If you are “cool” with it, by all means, carry on. But deep down few women embrace this. And it is cruel of you to endorse it to women who don’t want it as something they need to accept and embrace. YOU were the ones who deceived. Cd me who lie to their wives want to present as non-cd. Ladies, he takes himself out of the closet, he puts you in. ALONE. It’s lonely in there. Get out now!

  87. Cherylteaks 3 October, 2012 at 16:39 Reply

    Fed up and Me, I guess you think you have the bases covered. Self indulgent? Maybe for some but I guarantee very few. I guess maybe the dressing is about you. We live tortured lives with a terrible secret. Knowing that the rules of society will crush everything we build if it were to get out. Yet it hurts no one. The problem is that society says a person must be like everyone else and not allowed to be an individual. If being myself is selfish and self indulgent then I am guilty.
    I have 2 children that know about me and they are both intelligent well adjusted young adults. They have known about me since they were nine and eleven. I am not a sexual deviant! I am also a well adjusted adult who lives a very masculine life and have the respect of many men of whom I lead on a daily basis. It really sounds like you need to look within yourselves and figure out what the problem really is. You would say it is him…..I think we all know different. He is probably a very good husband and father. Quit listening to all the hype about transvestites (that are actually a very, very small part of our community) and give the gut a break. He tells you he quit because that’s all you want to hear but the reality is he can’t. He can’t! He can’t…. I am also sorry for being so forceful but I really do believe you need it. Open your mind or leave but don’t make his life a living hell because he desires to be himself. It sounds to me like it is your way or the highway.
    Now if you would really like to talk I am open for discussing issues with you but you must bring an open mind to the table.

    Cheryl Ann

  88. Jane don 19 November, 2014 at 21:41 Reply

    Fed up– Hmmm-wife& I have raised 5 children& now we have 5 grandchildren–& neither the kids or grandkids have a problem with my crossdressing –I wonder why it’s Sooo different in Your situation????
    Something to think about????

  89. Lori 29 March, 2013 at 11:12 Reply

    You know what? I had a wife similar to yours. The only difference is that I am a transsexual and she accepted me. We still stayed together. We loved each other sooo much! There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t tell each other that we loved each other and we were IN love with each other. I coldn’t have asked for a better wife. We were married for 26 years and raised a set of twins together. This past Novermeber in 2012 she passed away. She got very ill. It shouldn’t have happened to her and I blame a couple of healthcare places for what happened to her. I miss her so much and I can’t talk about her very long because I cry and shake sooo badly. She was my life! She was my everything! She was the reason I got up everyday! Now I am home alone very lonely and very depressed. The internet helps me as it keeps my mind occupied. But still it is exremely hard for me.

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