I married a crossdresser

When you marry the man you love, you hope for a life of bliss – your own ‘happiness ever after’, but even the most optimistic of us will expect some challenges along this wonderful journey called marriage. You probably didn’t expect him to utter these fateful words, ‘Honey, I’m a Cross Dresser’.

A few weeks ago I wrote an article about what to do if your boyfriend is a cross dresser.

Today I’ll address some of the most common questions from wives who find out that their husband is a cross dresser. I highly recommend that you buy a copy of the book My Husband Wears My Clothes. It was written a few years ago by Peggy Rudd, a PhD and wife of a cross dresser. She provides loving insight into the how and why of cross dressing.

So what do you do when you find out for the first time? The most important thing to realize is that it is okay to feel shocked, uncertain and confused. It’s not every day that you meet a cross dresser, much less find out that your husband is one!

The next thing to realize, is that he is telling you this because he loves and trusts you deeply. He is probably just as scared as you are right now. You both need to be careful not to say anything that would hurt the other person.You’re both in a sensitive position. While you should respect that he it is difficult for him to share with you, you should also expect him to go as fast or as slow as you can handle.

The first thing to do is reassure him that you love him. This will be tough to do. You’re shocked and not in full control of your emotions, but even though you just discovered your husband is a cross dresser you need to show love.

So now you may be wondering:
He’s a cross dresser, is he gay? Probably not, most cross dressers are heterosexual

Why didn’t he tell me about his crossdressing sooner? This one is tricky, ideally he would have shared with you before you were married. Most likely he thought he could control it, he thought that being married would quell the urge to cross dress. That hardly ever (never) happens, and he probably put it off for so long because he was afraid of how you would react. Ironically, he has hid this secret from you for so long because he loves you so much!

Why does he cross dress? Phew, an even tougher but great question. I explored this in some detail in my article ‘why do men cross dress‘. The short answer is that no one knows for sure and many men have different reasons for why they cross dress, but most describe it as a need, an urge that won’t go away.

How can I make him stop cross dressing? You’re asking all the right questions love, but you probably won’t like the answer to this one. You can’t stop him from cross dressing. Sure, you’ll fight and he’ll promise not to cross dress, but a few months later you’ll find a pair of size 12 pink pumps in the wardrobe…

Does he want a sex change? Probably not. There are fewer transsexuals than cross dressers, so it is less likely that your husband has a desire to change his sex. Most cross dressers are happily married and only enjoy dressing part time.

So now what do I do? As I mentioned above, reassure him that you love him. Spend a lot of time in deep, open conversation with him about his desire to cross dress. Learn as much as you can about it (I know I sound like a used car salesman, but trust me buy this book!). Learn to compromise – let this grow you closer together rather than split you apart. Work with your husband to set limits that you are comfortable with as well. If you don’t want him to dress when your friends are around; let him know.

Tri-Ess has some great information and a Crossdressers wives bill of rights which makes for a great starting point as you and your husband come to a fair compromise about his cross dressing. There are many other good resources on the Internet. Also, take some time to explore Crossdresser Heaven, I’ve gathered a number of resources that may be valuable for you.

Good luck, and please contact me if you need any support or advice!



P.S. Thanks to my lovely wife for reviewing this article before I posted it. As much as we listen, we need to be open to the precious woman in our lives – they are often trying to tell us more.

EDITOR NOTE: Crossdresser Heaven has a program exclusively for Significant Others. You’ll be able to discuss issues in private with other SOs. Explore our Significant Other Program and contact JaneS if you are interested or would like further information. We would love to welcome you.

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  1. TravisReks 3 years ago

    “The boy?” The king almost spat the words.

    alehouses around the harbor had been plundered or burned, though some looked still

  2. Rosaliy Lynne 3 years ago

    wow – so many great comments and varying experiences.

    Lori, you were not a bad parent. Your children failed to learn to accept that that side of you was part and parcel of the parent you were.

    One of the most common failings of women who don’t accept their husband’s need to dress is the failure to realize that this part was always there and, as such, is part of the reason they fell in love in the first place, whether or not they knew about it. Also, they feel their trust has been betrayed. Well, yes, it was but you have to consider that they hid that from you because a: they loved you and b: they were afraid to lose you.

    tslesley: well written and I could add nothing to it.

    tabitha: I believe you are wrong to call your husband gay and put him down for his cross dressing. You make the same mistake so many women make here. Know also this, if he was gay, you very likely would never have married though there have been instances of gay men marrying to throw off the usual criticism of being gay. While I never got into it myself, I have to agree with those who commented about the humiliation aspect. There are people into being humiliated in their cross dressing or ‘sissy-hood’ if you will. Your husband may indeed be such a person. Give it some thought; read the book; exchange thoughts and ideas and re-think your husband and your relationship with him. You might be surprised in the long run.

    Debbie: Maybe it was a first time for him, though I rather doubt it. However, I would caution you about taking this discussion out of your home without first having a necessary discussion with your husband. Sit down and talk about this. Find out ‘from the horse’s mouth’ what is going on. Explore the possibilities and while you are doing that, think back on all that you found in him to make you want to marry him in the first place. If this side of him is as integral to him as it is to me, it may surprise you how much of that influenced you unawares.

    ed: you are a very lucky man and I am so happy you and your wife enjoy all of you together.

  3. Michelle 2 years ago

    Well; here I am home alone again; all dolled up. My wife is working late tonight , so ” Michelle ” gets a chance to come out of the closet. I’m wearing a pink bra, matching pink garter belt, white nylon panties, sheer beige stockings, and red high heel pumps. How I wish my wife could be here and see me dressed, and have some encouragement and acceptance. However; with her, it’s out of sight, out of mind. For her acceptance and encouragement; I’d even be open to her seeing other men if she desired, at any time. That would be a fair exchange I suppose. Maybe too little; too late.

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