Hi everyone my Name is Harley Vanessa Leigh aka Harley Needs.
Like many of ouf us I have struggled with the fact that I am a woman, and like many of us I have stuggled with the guilt and shame of being and feeling this.
I encountered my first experience and feelings when I was about 8 years old. I put on my sisters black ribbed satin panties and bra and I realized not only how good they felt to put on but how natural they felt, this was beyond just purely a sexual feeling.
Throughout my teen years I tried to suppress the fact that I felt this way and was more comfortable as a girl than as a boy.
I had an experience with an older guy who was a bit of mentor to me, he took me under his wing and clearly saw something in me that I did not.
Yes he was very gay and had a thing for mid-teen males but he encouraged me to dress as his favourite niece from the country.
His favourite outfit for me was of course a school girl uniform complete with short plaid skirt, shirt and tie he used to love to dress me this way and to take me to parties to meeet and introduce me as well.
I got to understand gay men very quickly.
I must admit I loved it and the attention but still I fought this very fact and would speak of this to no one about my dreams and feelings.
Over the years the urges did not go away, through my 20's and 30's I served successive Mistresses who in their own way started to shape me into the woman I am today, with them I could let my guard down and begin to take shape into being a woman.
But being married and trying to be the very straight male husband and father is exhausting, I knew my wide would never understand and would feel betrayed and soiled at the though of being married to a crossdresser.
So like many of us I purged and I denied, I denied further but what ever I did this feeling inside me would neither go away and was in fact growing.
Crossdressing became my safe haven, a place I could escape to when I was stressed, and to get away from the issues that were plauging me.
Having a very successful corporate wife, my identity and value so badly eroded as I played nothing more than a supporting role and indeed I really did feel like a housewife of the 1950's & 60's
I sought the help of a clinical phsycologist who in her opinion deemed me to be a woman in every shape and form, this was a real turning point for me as she explianed that this tension was going to kill me if I did not make a decision one way or the other.
I suppose by then I wanted to get caught, I got sloppy in keeping my second and very secret life just that, the urges to dress and to be a woman dominated my everyday thoughts there was no denying there was only was course and direction to take.
I allowed myself to get caught, the pictures I had on the internet were found and then the pointing of fingers came from my now ex-wife. I thought she was so disgusted in me, which for a HR manager and a champion of LGBT rights, I found most contradictory but that is what she is like: "Not in my home. honey."
We have since separated, thankfully, as now I pursue my dream and desires 24 x 7 with little or no restrictions.
She found what I did deeply embarassing and a slight on her as a woman, which I found very interesting. So much for diversity, acceptance, tolerance and inclusion.
I have come to accept and proudly I am a woman and wish to be a woman in every shape and form 24 x 7 and I simply love it.
I should have done this years ago as I feel so liberated and free, taking control of my womanhood and placing my manhood in a box is the best thing I could do.
The sad thing is that even as I search for another kindred sould I find there are so many pretenders who promise the world. Maybe they are struggling like I was, or maybe they are just frauds, but I hope to find Miss Right very soon as I want to share my life as a woman with another like minded girl.
My final thought is simple, embrace your womanhood and do not be ashamed of it, to the heck with what others think and say "It's not their life."
Yes, my transistion has cost me many of my freinds but I look at it now differently. If they were true friends they would do everything to support and emcourage me, so I do not need them in my life.
Be the girl of your dreams what ever that may be.
