I have now lived as a woman full time for over a month. During that time I have not once dressed as a man, whether at home or in public and frankly, I have felt no desire to do so. In the meantime, my preliminary medical tests have been completed and I am about to start on hormone replacement therapy as the next step towards full transition. Soon my appearance will start to change and then I shall no longer be able to wear men's clothing without looking ridiculous. Even now, I have to be careful about my hair – I am trying desperately to grow it long enough for a feminine style, but at the moment it is simply a mess which I hide under a wig. But then are there any male wigs that hide bad hair? My nail varnish is another reason for not wanting to try to look male.
So how do I feel?
Great! At first I was apprehensive about meeting certain people whom I suspected might be a little intolerant. However, I said to myself, I cannot hide from everybody all the time, and once I start living as a woman I shall have to go on with it. If I am female one day and male the next, people will just be confused. So, here goes; I now live as the girl I am. Up to now I have not had a single bad experience. I live in Frankfurt in Germany and in Pomáz, a small town in Hungary, and commute between my two homes by air.
Most of my friends and perhaps half my acquaintances recognised me without any prompting, but all seem happy to treat me as a woman. I have been complemented on my appearance several times (I like to think I have good dress sense) and I have been told twice – by a woman and by a man – that I am a better person as a woman than as a man. At first I was surprised. I thought I am still me and the basic me hasn't changed. But then I thought about it some more and began to realise that actually the basic me has changed, subtly if not dramatically.
As a woman, I am more relaxed and therefore more considerate of those around me, more sensitive to other people's needs. The reason seems simple enough to me. I am a woman, living as a woman. As a woman I am not afraid of feminine gestures, of feminine deportment or of feminine behaviour. I compliment and adore being complimented. I love giving and receiving little presents. Even tears hold no terror for me now. Not to mention the wonderful freedom of being able to touch, hug and kiss without fear of being thought over-emotional.
As a man, I was, though most of the time unconsciously, putting on an act. I slouched in my chair, even though it was natural for me to put my knees together and sit up straight. I deliberately kept my arms to my sides when speaking to avoid punctuating my speech with gestures or, horror upon horrors, laying my hand on another man’s arm. I had to be certain that I didn't fold my arms when standing and obviously I couldn't be seen admiring a woman's clothes or handbags. About the only point on which I could be neutral was walking. I can't walk properly anyway and an inelegant lurch on crutches is and remains an inelegant lurch – male or female.
So my message to everybody out there is, relax! Enjoy being the real you and let others share in your enjoyment! You won't regret it.
