I am a genetic female in a relationship with a crossdresser, and I came to Crossdresser Heaven to try to understand him better and learn how to be the best partner I can be. I learned quickly that for a crossdresser, finding a supportive partner is a challenge, to put it lightly. Many relationships are either full of secrets or end as a result of a partner coming out as a crossdresser.  Forums, chat room and articles on this site have been incredibly helpful to me as a partner, and I wanted to add my voice to the conversation for others like me, who come here trying to sort out how they feel.

I won’t go into too much detail about how my partner and I met. It’s a crazy story, and the details can be found in my profile. My partner’s ex-wife knew about his desire to dress and was not supportive. When we got together, he wanted to be upfront about his desire to dress and told me very early on. I don’t think that he even really knew to what extent these feelings were a part of him because he’d never really had the chance to explore his femme side. This definitely came as a surprise to me, but I’m pretty open-minded. I took some time to ask questions, do some research and examine my feelings. My first thought was, is he gay? Does he even want to be with me? The answers were a definitive no and yes. Then I wondered if he would want to transition someday, and what that would mean for us. I’m straight, so how could I be in a relationship with a woman? He assured me he was not interested in transitioning and that he liked both sides of his personality. I mean, he is a drag racing, muscle car building, military man who curses like a sailor – he didn’t want to give any of that up.

I made the decision that this wasn’t a deal breaker for me, and I just wanted him to be happy. I bought him makeup and pretty dresses, and he bought a wig and breast forms. This is when the “pink fog” set in, which I think is hard on all partners, even ones who are initially supportive. For a while, it seemed like all we ever talked about was dressing, and I was still just trying to wrap my head around it. To say I was jealous of his femme side sounds absurd, but I was giving my affection to him and her, and I felt a little neglected. I wasn’t sure how I’d feel the first time I saw him fully dressed. I couldn’t imagine my masculine guy in a dress and makeup. On a weekend visit at his house, we got him all dolled up, and WOW! It was so much fun! I have to say, he as a she looked absolutely beautiful. And while I’m not generally attracted to women, I found that really didn’t matter, because I looked into her eyes, and still saw the same person, my soulmate.

I can’t think of a time that I’d ever seen my partner as happy as that first night that he got to really feel like a she, and so I started to wonder if perhaps he really is trans, and just wasn’t ready to accept that yet. Would he tell me in a year or five or ten that he wants to transition? This was the hardest part of the entire experience for me, and at the heart of why I wanted to share our story. He said he will never want to transition, and I will take that at face value, but I know in my heart that if he did, I’d still be there for him, or rather, her. My partner is my soul mate, I know this to my core. Coming to this conclusion brought me so much peace about the whole situation. I realized that I had been harboring this lingering fear that he really wanted to be a woman, and then we couldn’t be together. I had lost him once and didn’t want to lose him ever again. By deciding that I would accept my love as a man or a woman, I was able to truly open my heart to this experience. Sometimes love is enough to overcome any obstacle, and sometimes it just isn’t. As a partner, this is your journey too, and you must be honest with yourself and your partner about the kind of future you are willing to live with to stay together.

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Trisha Anne

I'm a genetic female, in a wonderful relationship with a super manly guy, who just happens to wear pretty things in private. I'm here to learn how to be an even better partner to him as I navigate these new waters. Note: When speaking about my love, I generally refer to him as "him" most of the time, unless he's dressed, and then she is "she." I know this can get confusing, so I wanted to be clear.

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27 Comments
  1. anne smith 1 month ago

    Hi Trisha Anne read your story yes your partner is very lucky to have you. When my husband told me I was taken back by it but I am an understanding person so I got on with it. Was little hard to understand it at first but done my to cope with it. I love my husband and my dad was very open I think to the same thing reflecting on when I was a child so I had better understanding of it or it help a little. But yes still a little strange at times

  2. BizarreSuzanne 1 month ago

    LOVEd this story! I have been married twice (both deceased) but only the second was tolerant and enjoyed being with me…I was careful to be both a husband and a CD/TV. My first wife thought it was “depraved” sighs so I had to dress in private when I could and hide my girl clothes. My second had been in show business, loved costumes and makeup and more…would dress with me in the bedroom. But, as I say I was careful to be her husband too and love her for who she was…and now though much older, am seeking someone again…lonliness is no picnic (sighs)…and I really must say I enjoyed the viewpoint you have!

  3. Tissy 1 month ago

    Superb story, sweetheart. you both deserve the very best life can give you.

    Wendy and family. xxx

  4. Cindi Lane 1 month ago

    Hi Trisha Anne,
    Thank you for sharing such an intimate aspect of yourself and your life. You are a very special person and I wish you and your partner a lifetime of love and joy. You have inspired me too share part of my story with you and the Crossdresser Heaven Community.
    I have received the greatest gift possible, I meet my soulmate more 40 years ago. I didn’t know it right away, I have continued to learn that loving and being loved by your soulmate has no limit to becoming deeper and more meaningful every year. As you pointed out, I have found love becomes stronger as obstacles are overcome.
    On the third date I did the scariest thing I have ever done, I revealed my secret that had never been said aloud to anyone; “I believe I am a Crossdresser”. I had assumed the worse, that she would reject me, confirm that something was terribly wrong with me and that I did not deserve love. Her only question was “Are you Gay?” That was not the reaction I expected and I was happy to answer honestly “No, I have only been attracted to women”. Her response was simply “I’m good with that”. That was 40 years ago.
    When we married, I wore a Grey Tux (the only feminine touch for me was my long hair in a french braid down my back), she wore a beautiful flowing white wedding gown.
    I had always been a private (in the house) crossdresser until I faced a major debilitating medical problem at age 54. I decided the one regret I would have if I died was not understanding or fully accepting my female side. I sought professional help and shared my feelings and thoughts after every session with my wife, as I wanted the two of us to stay on the journey if at all possible. During that time it became clear to me that my soul was truly at peace when I was presenting female and that it as more than crossdressing, the peace came when I fully embraced being female. My wife and I attended our first Esprit Gala in 2011, it was my first time dressed in public for more than an hour or two, it was my first time meeting other transgender women (I.E. crossdressers and those living 24/7 as the women they have become). The SO and Couples track are unique to Esprit and gave us inspiration and hope for a continuing future together. As I worked though my issues, it became clear to me that my path was to become female and transition out of my male life. I was deeply concerned that my soulmate would leave me and was stressing myself out with worry. I started living full time as female in the summer of 2016. In 2017 I changed my name and gender via a court order. My Wife and I renewed our wedding vows at the 2017 Esprit Gala, where my soul mate happily took me for her wife. That was day I fully realized how deep the love between soulmates is and what joy beyond words feels like. I am now 62 years of age and living the best time of my life.

    Trisha Anne, I would like to invite you and your partner to join us at the Esprit Gala, we enjoy meeting couples and are one of the Mentor Couples available to support new (to Esprit) couples.

    Your partner will be in good company, many attendees are from Law Enforcement, Military, there are a number of Gear Heads, Hot Rodders, and folks from all walks of life.

    Thank you for being the loving person that you are.
    -Cindi

  5. Terri 1 month ago

    Hi Trisha Anne,

    Thank you for your post. Your partner is very lucky to have such a accepting woman.

    Yours Terri

  6. Joanna Jane 1 month ago

    Hi Trisha Anne,
    WOW!!! You have such a beautiful relationship, compassion and
    understanding, you are a lady in a million.
    I would like to write more but I’m left feeling very chocked up and tearful, yours is a very powerful story and thank you so much.
    Love.
    Joanna Jane xx

  7. Sophie Frenchie 1 month ago

    Trisha, you are clearly a special person in this crazy world. I think you may have just given a huge amount of hope to both SO’s and the CD’s on this site. Honesty is the best policy if it is possible. In my case it never was until many, many years later in my life, but it really doesn’t matter anymore. It has become the most important thing for me now, to be happy in mysellf and my life. But I am one of those in transition, living on my own and building a new life. But also the most content I have ever been.
    I applaud you for writing the article and hope you may have lit the way for other SO’s.
    Lots of love and happiness to you and your partner
    xxx

  8. Erin 1 month ago

    Trisha Anne:
    You are an amazing woman! I loved your article and I have enjoyed talking with you via the chat board. Im sure there are times where you feel overwhelmed or bombarded with questions, but please understand we are blessed to have someone as compassionate and accepting as you.

    Your article, coupled with our discussions, help to reaffirm and remind me that being a Crossdresser is not simply “my problem.” As many women will attest and, rightfully so, “it’s not what they expected or signed up for.” As my wife said to me “what If the situation were reversed?”
    I’m also glad you brought awareness to the “Pink Fog.” I can recall many years ago After coming out to my girlfriend she made the comment “that’s all we ever talk about anymore.”

    Moving forward to present day I know now that my wife needs me in “Man-time” just as much as I like to have “Girl-time.”
    Perhaps the song from RENT sums it up:
    “Today 4 U
    Tomorrow 4 Me”

    Again, I can’t tell you how great it is to have met someone like you on this site and I hope you continue to educate and inspire me. I don’t know if I can properly reciprocate but if you ever have questions regarding your SO’s behavior or concerns (his or yours) please don’t hesitate to ask.

    Wishing you All The best !!!!!

    Erin ☘️

    • Author
      Trisha Anne 1 month ago

      I don’t often feel overwhelmed here. I don’t think I could have been more overwhelmed than when my love came out to me about CD. Once I accepted that, everything is has been just more for me to learn. But thank you for your kind words.

      I do think it is important for CD in a relationship to understand that they aren’t the only ones who are struggling. I’m glad my article relayed that like I hoped it would. I’m so glad to have found such a wonderful community! Thank you for your offer, and if I ever feel like I need to ask questions, it’s reassuring to know how many of you lovely ladies will be there for me.

      P.S. Your RENT reference is on point! I love, love, love that musical! The actual lyrics themselves too, are quite appropriate for a balanced CD relationship 🙂

  9. skippy1965(Cynthia) 1 month ago

    Trisha,
    What a beautiful love story! Both of you are blessed beyond measure to find a soulmate whom you can love in the way marriage is meant to be (whether or not you are or become legally married). It takes special people to look beyond the outer trappings of their partner to see the inner soul through the windows of their eyes. You are correct that many women don’t have that ability to deal with a CD or even TG. My ex was unable to tolerate much less accept my feminine side; I had always THOUGHT that dressing was enough for me but now I’m not sure-but perhaps she knew me better than I knew/know myself. I bear no ill will towards her-she was the mother to two truly beautiful,wonderful children and I know she didn’t sign up for being married to someone with my inclinations/needs. Your article gives me hope that as I figure out my path-whether it be remaining as a CD or I end up transitioning at some point to a greater or lesser degree-that one day I’ll find a partner-whether male or female – as understanding and loving as you are toward your SO. Thank you again for lifting the spirits of so many here who had given up hope that they might ever find someone to spend their life with!
    Cyn

  10. Amanda Patrick 1 month ago

    Hi Trisha Anne,

    What a beautiful story. My wife Supports me in my Dressing. But Prefers not to see me Dressed. Which I am ok with. Having Support it self is a wonderful thing. I go out to places Occasionally Dressed. And She helps me with Advice. And we Shop together Some times. I Also talked a lot about dressing at first when these feelings came back with a vengeance about 3 Years a go. She knew I had experimented with Cross dressing as Child and Teenager. I told her before we got Married 40 Plus years Ago. I did this because I was feeling such Guilt and Anxiety over having this Behavior in my past. This was the Mid 1970,s and she was Open minded then. She said so what lots of people have desires as they are growing up. Just Recently she asked me if I had any desire to transition Also. And I Promptly said No Because That is how I feel . I loved the part of your Story Where you say You don’t think even your Boy Friend knew How much these Feeling were a part of him. I could relate to that Since my Feeling were very Dormant for many Years. and have just Exploded over the last few years. I am even starting to think of going for outings in my Neighbour hood in stead of going out of town. Small steps of course. I also liked the part a bout the drag Racing, Muscle car building Military Man. Would you believe I use to think That a male person in to those types of Things would never be in to Cross dressing.( LOL ) Of course this is my thinking of the 70s 80s and 90s. You are a wonderful Blessing and a beautiful person. And I just wanted to let you know I purchased a new wig this week on my Wife’s Insistence and she seen me in it last night and liked it .I am blessed and she is a Beautiful person to.

    Hugs,

    Amanda

  11. Gisela Claudine 1 month ago

    I’m glad you are here, Trisha. Thanks for your wonderful article. I can tell you are a great human being. You bring from an interesting point of view in this place. Definitely, love matters a lot for you. In this moment when solitude is an important friend to me, your words feed my hope. I’m very grateful. I wish you two the best.
    Gisela

  12. What a wonderful tale of love and understanding Trisha! Your partner is very lucky to have such an amazing soulmate; one who realizes that the person they love is always there, no matter their gender expression.

    Hugs,
    April

  13. Ashley Elizabeth 1 month ago

    Trisha Anne – You are an amazing person!

  14. Stephanie Flowers 1 month ago

    Trisha thank you so much for being such a wonderful person and your presence here. I am so at ease when I seen you here doing so many thoughtful and meaningful responses to many new, confused and lost souls. At times I see unwanted attention that you have received at times and it must be overwhelming. I apologize for many as your wisdom does carry far and wide. Your thoughts in your responses are so sweet . Listening to you I have learned so much .it has helped me in my relationship to be able to communicate and most of all listen to my wife in ways that have never seen before. She is most supporting and has been my rock in understanding myself and to be help to many here. Having her with me on this journey is so important and hearing from you in your discussions here assures the love of a spouse and the importance to have. My wife is in thought of joining one of our group’s for wifes and significant others. I have mentioned you to her and showed how help can be available to her and to meet true ladies like yourself. Being an ambassador has inspired me to help in making this a safe and supportive place. To have members like your self showing your love and commitment to others helps all of us and from all here to thank you for being a true light to which many have been touched by your love to others. Your hubby is so lucky and as for me I too and appreciative this as I hold it close to my heart. You a an inspiration and I’m very proud to have you here with us.
    Stephanie

    • Author
      Trisha Anne 1 month ago

      Stephanie,

      Your comment has me choked up each time I read it, and I wanted to wait to respond until I had some time and was on my laptop not my phone. I came to this website for support and understanding, and never imagined that my presence here would also provide comfort for others as well. In fact, I was a bit nervous at first that I wouldn’t really be accepted, because my journey is certainly much different than that of a CD. Hearing that my comments have directly impacted your relationship in a positive way makes my heart happy. I hope she does sign up for the site and joins the SO group. It’s fairly quiet in there, but I hope that the SO community grows on this site, because it’s been so helpful for me to be here, and it seems, helpful for others as well.

      As for my boyfriend being lucky (we aren’t married), I’m incredibly lucky as well. I have found in him (and sometimes her) my other half, and that’s a rare thing in this world. It sounds like you may know something about that yourself 🙂 Thank you for such a sweet and thoughtful response to my article. It really means a lot to me!

  15. Ashleigh 1 month ago

    Trisha,
    Thank you SO much for sharing this. Your partner is a very lucky person to have found someone like you. I only wish my wife was half as understanding as you. We have come to to a semi comfortable place of “don’t ask, don’t tell” As a long time cross dresser, I know it’s difficult enough for me to understand why I dress, let alone try to explain it to someone else. I can also say, that at 62 years old and having dressed for as long as I can remember, I have no desire to transition, so chances are good that your partner means what he says when he tells you that is not in his future.
    Best of luck to both of you!

    • Author
      Trisha Anne 1 month ago

      Thank you for your kind words Ashleigh. My partner and I are both lucky, I promise! I think you bring up a really good point, that even as a lifelong CD, you still find it difficult to understand- I think that partners who are trying to understand need to hear that. I wish you and your wife the best as well!

  16. Kala Love 1 month ago

    Good morning Trisha, I love you, and I love your story. Thank you so much for sharing this with everyone. The love I felt in your words made me cry several times. The ability to open your heart completely to the one you love, your soul mate, and to love them unconditionally is one of the hardest things to do. They are so many influences in society that try to define what love is for us and it is difficult to push beyond those boundaries.

    When I started to read your story I initially thought my Fiance had wrote it. We first met in September and from the first day I met her she opened my heart to the possibility of what true and unconditional love was and I knew that I was going to marry her. From the beginning we had a very open and honest start to the relationship and we shared a lot about ourselves and all of the dark secrets we used as shields of protection. We had been dating for a month or so when I awkwardly fumbled over the words that my brain was trying to communicate. My insides were a mess, I couldn’t eat for days before, my mind was racing, the anxiety and fear were crushing my being and I just kept telling myself, regardless of how she reacts and what happens I can’t keep this from her and if she loves me the way I love her she will accept me. This is the one secret that I have protected and guarded the most about who I am. At times this pretty little secret of mine has been both a blessing and a curse. I have shared this with all of the significant women in my life, all of which ended in very destructive attacks on my psyche. As I told my fiancé about my desires, she simply listened, asking a few questions here and there and then walked up to me and said “I love you” and gave me the most important hug in my life. As the tears streamed down my face she simply said “we’re going to have a hard time finding heels to fit you” and my spirit burst into the most amazing light I have ever felt.

    After things settled a little and she was still wrapping her head around everything she just learned about me. We had the exact same conversations that you and your husband did. Her concerns about my sexuality, transforming and what this was going to mean for her and I and now this other side of me. She told me that we need to take things slow as she’s still processing everything. To my benefit she is a very spiritual woman and has been studying Hinduism for a long time and believes that every being has both a male and female half to them just as the Gods/Goddesses were both male and female. Regardless of your religious or spiritual beliefs the strength to acknowledge that every being has both male and female qualities inside them and that they shouldn’t be suppressed or felt shame about was is extremely powerful.

    Although she has nothing but pure and divine love for me, is very accepting and supportive, is non judgemental and very loving and compassionate I am still scared and afraid to surrender completely to the feminine side of me as my male side is still trying to take control. My challenge is to find the balance between my male and female identities and let go of my ego, ultimately surrendering to life itself. I’m still afraid of being hurt, I still feel guilt, shame, judgement, etc…but it has nothing to do with her and everything to do with my past trauma. Over time this has subsided tremendously. I still have the urge to purge all of my woman’s items when I am feeling insecure and confused about my desires. For the first time since I was 12 years old I have finally felt loved and accepted for being who I am.

    Its very hard to control all of the excitement that has been building up inside me my entire life and I know that I need to let things evolve slowly with my fiancé and resist the urge to be Kala 24/7, all the clothes, and makeup, and shopping I want to wear, and the fresh perspectives on expressing my femininity are seaping out of my being and its important for me to remember that I am both Todd and Kala and that’s what she loves about me the most and that my fiancé is the most important woman in the universe and that I love her unconditionally.

    Thank you for your love and compassion and the inspirational story you shared with us.

    sweet love,

    Kala

    • Author
      Trisha Anne 1 month ago

      Kayla,

      You’re story is absolutely beautiful as well! It sounds like you have a truly special relationship with your fiancé. I suspect that many CD, even those with supportive partners, feel those same kinds of insecurities and self doubt. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said you need to find balance between both of your identities. I have seen how easy it is to get swept up into your femme side when you have a partner who supports you, and from my perspective, how that can be hard on a partner. I think it is great that you recognize that in yourself, and that you are considering your partners needs as you both explore this new venture together!

      We are both very lucky to have found the person in this world who completes us, don’t you think? I wish you so much love and happiness!

  17. Marianne 1 month ago

    Thank you Trisha for an important and insightful contribution from the other side, so to say. You have clearly realised it is the person and not the appearance that is important to you, and your husband is very lucky to have such an understanding and caring wife. I hope you will have a long and happpy life together regardless of where his (her?) Journey takes you.

    Marianne Tornander

    • Author
      Trisha Anne 1 month ago

      Thank you! I say this over and over, but I’m really the lucky one. My partner is a very special person. Just a note, we aren’t married, he’s just my boyfriend (sometimes girlfriend).

      • Dee Writer 1 month ago

        Omfg. What a beautiful human being you are!

  18. Bianca Everdene 1 month ago

    Hi Trisha Anne
    Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings. You are a rare and wonderful woman. l hope your partner knows how lucky he is !!! and spends time with you doing whatever makes you happy as well.
    Love
    Bianca

  19. Sara Marie Franklin 1 month ago

    Trisha, thank you so very much for posting this article. I hope someday soon my wife, who does know about me now, will be able to read this and gain some insight to my situations which sounds very similar to your spouses situation.
    Thank you again for writing this and helping this site out.
    Sara

    • Author
      Trisha Anne 1 month ago

      I hope so too! I think it’s so important for partners to understand that they are part of the journey, or the road to acceptance will be a lonely one. I hope you encourage her to come to CDH, read the forums and join the spouse/SO group. It has been immensely helpful for me!

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