I would like to share my experience being a significant other of a new crossdresser.
Was I scared when I found out? Hell yes! Was I confused? Yes! Did I take it personally? A little. I won’t say that what I went through was mentally easy, but the way things happened made the transition easier than most. My partner Alyce Victoria and I had been together five years prior to her admitting she was a crossdresser.
I was a newly divorced traditional values woman fresh on the dating scene. I’d only dated two men prior to finding Alyce on a cheesy dating site. Two years into our relationship, I found my partner being secretive about a lot of things, but the one that concerned me the most was the ads she posted on craigslist to find “like minded people” and saw the word “Bisexual.” Along with that dreaded word, I learned she wanted to dress in woman’s clothing. I will admit I silently freaked out. I confronted the issue and we had our first real blow out. Now Alyce and I are laid back people, we barely bicker, and when voices are raised something is wrong!
She finally admitted to being bisexual and wasn’t looking for a relationship but rather someone to talk to. She had moved an hour away from home to live with me. I kept the crossdressing to myself. We made up and life went on with open jokes about who we would share our bed with. I came to accept that even though she is bi, she does loves me. I won’t say our relationship is perfect. Not to mention it still freaks me out that I worry about not only women but men interrupting our relationship.
Time moved on again, life pressing against our love as reality added strain again to our relationship. Work and school consumed me and sadly, I neglected my love. Not on purpose mind you. It wasn’t until it became too late did I notice more changes in Alyce. She became withdrawn, sneaky, and I noticed she was hiding things. I tried reaching out but got nothing in return. I was stressed from school, I felt alone and I felt so alone in a relationship with someone I truly loved. Then my heart stopped.
I found Alyce receiving comfort from another person. A woman she met online was sending her emails and text messages. To my horror the person I loved was emotionally connecting and expressing love to another woman. Even worse, she felt so comfortable with that person that she shared what she couldn’t share with me. It made me feel like there was something wrong with me, that I wasn’t providing the love she needed. To be cheated on by the person I wanted to spend my life with was heart breaking.
I had to stop it all and put down an ultimatum: Either stay or leave. I told her I knew about the crossdressing, a three year secret that she should have been open and honest about from the beginning. She opened up about her depression and I admitted I never knew how bad it was. I wish I’d known sooner.
The choice was made. She cut off all contact with the other woman, brought her crossdressing out in the open and I accepted Alyce as she was. I wanted our relationship to get stronger, and make Alyce feel she could trust and open up to me. I also wanted to keep the man I fell in love with. I am a straight woman. I love to look at the female form but I don’t want to be with a woman. We came to terms and those terms are flexible. The next night, I gave Alyce a necklace to wear.
Nine months later she has gotten, more outfits, undergarments, makeup and even a new necklace personalized with her name. We are still working hard at our relationship, Alyce’s depression seems to be lifted with the companionship she receives from the chatroom and forums here. She seems happier, staying on the path of being faithful, earning my trust back slowly and for that I am grateful.
I know I will never understand her need to crossdress but I understand why she craves the same support she gives me when I need it the most. Perhaps she needs release from the expectations of being a man. Who doesn’t want to feel pretty? Dressing up, getting compliments always picks up my self-esteem. I can’t deny that. Regardless of pronoun I love her. She is two different sides of the same coin. I love the man more than the woman, but that is who I fell in love with. She knows how I feel and we have both made compromises that make our relationship stronger.
Know that your significant other may not always react the way that I did, this is just our story. Everyone takes things differently. I had years to deal with my boyfriend’s secret desires to be a crossdresser.
Those secrets can hurt, even if you love that person and you may be afraid of what will happen if that secret comes out. Your partner may sense there is something you’re not telling them. It’s like a band-aid, if you peel it off slowly it will hurt so much worse than just ripping it off. If you want your significant other to understand, you must be open and honest with them. It may be hard, but remember you and your significant other can always get support from others here. This site is full of knowledgeable ladies who have once been in your shoes. Let them help you as they are helping Alyce and myself. Know that even if there are dark clouds ahead, there will always be a silver lining to bring hope to the future.
EDITOR NOTE: Crossdresser Heaven has a program exclusively for Significant Others. You’ll be able to discuss issues in private with other SOs. Explore our Significant Other Program and contact JaneS if you are interested or would like further information. We would love to welcome you.Explore the Significant Other Program