To the Partner of a Newly Outed Crossdresser

Welcome! I’m so glad you’ve stumbled across this site, as I believe it is truly the best place for CD/TG support anywhere, and that goes for partners who need support too. So, you’re here, and you probably have a lot of questions. Or maybe you’re just confused, scared or angry. I’m writing this article to tell you, IT’S OK to feel how you are feeling. There are members in the SO (significant others) forum who have experienced a range of emotions from rage to acceptance, and there is no “right” way to feel.

I’m pretty new to all of this too, and I have accepted, even embraced my partners need to CD. But guess what? If you’re not sure you can accept it, know that your reaction is more common. I think it is important for partners who are struggling with this news to know that they don’t need to feel guilty or ashamed for feeling how they do. What I do hope, though, is that you will ask questions and learn more about what it means to be a partner of a CD, and this site is a great place to do that. Maybe over time, the things you initially felt will soften or fade, or maybe not, but you will know that you tried, and I think that can be comforting during such a confusing time in your relationship.

I’d like to share some information that I found to be very helpful as I was trying to understand my partner’s crossdressing. Please note that I am not speaking from the perspective of a CD, only sharing some of what I found that was most helpful. The statements below may or may not apply to you and your partner.

Stepping Out Secrets

Most crossdressers aren’t gay. The vast majority of crossdressers are heterosexual men. That your partner is gay is a common misconception, and often the first question that partners have when they find out. In reality, the likelihood that a crossdresser is gay or bisexual is about the same as the general population.

Loving a crossdresser doesn’t make you gay, either. I’m not attracted to women, so I wasn’t sure how I would feel when I saw my partner fully dressed and made up. For me, I just thought she looked really pretty, and I looked into her eyes and saw the same person I’d always loved. Some partners are never comfortable being intimate when their partner is in femme mode, and that’s ok too. So much of growing in a relationship with a crossdresser is about finding balance. Crossdressing is much more than a sexual fetish, and many crossdressers don’t associate their dressing with their sexual desires.

Being a crossdresser isn’t the same as wanting to be a woman. While some crossdressers do identify as transsexual and hope to transition, many more do not. Most simply feel that they have a feminine side of themselves, and crossdressing is a way to express this. They want to feel pretty, just like we do. Most crossdressers are happy living as a man most of the time, but they feel a strong need to express their feminine side. Keep in mind, as well, that this feminine side is likely responsible for creating the sensitive, loving person that you fell in love with.

Your partner probably doesn’t really understand their need to crossdress either. Try to remember that this is hard for him too. I honestly believe that just as one cannot choose their sexual preference, crossdressing isn’t something people just choose to do. It’s in their DNA. I have read story after story about how ashamed people felt about this part of them. How they would purge everything feminine thing they own and suppress their feelings for a while, only to have that desire come back. Or how husbands are often married for 10 or 20 years, and their partner doesn’t know, because they are so ashamed and afraid to lose them. These feelings and hardships, they aren’t something that anyone would choose. And whether you learned of your partner’s need to crossdress by walking in on them dressed, or they found the courage to tell you themselves, know that they might not have all the answers you seek, because they are still trying to understand it themselves.

You can have a happy, healthy relationship with a crossdresser. You now share a special part of your partner that likely very few people know about. This part does not have to define your relationship. If you decide to try to make things work, your marriage or partnership might not change as much as you’d think. You’ll probably develop an even closer bond with your partner, but there may be some bumps along the way as you figure out how to find balance with this part of your relationship. Some partners know about dressing and accept it, but don’t want to see it or participate, and some partners share makeup and get each other dolled up to go out together. You will need to work together and communicate often to find what will work within your relationship.

Learning that your partner is a crossdresser can be overwhelming, but you’ve found a community of people who understand how you feel. I don’t know you or your situation and maybe your feelings are insurmountable but if you’re here and have read this far, I suspect you love your partner a whole lot and want to understand them better. I hope that we here at Crossdresser Heaven can be a resource for you in this confusing time.

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*Trisha Anne

I'm a genetic female, in a wonderful relationship with a super manly guy, who just happens to wear pretty things in private. I'm here to learn how to be an even better partner to him as I navigate these new waters.

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31 Comments

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  1. Denise sullivan 2 months ago

    Thank you Trisha it was well said and agree with your insight

  2. Tina Truly 2 months ago

    I just recently found out by accident. I need to talk about it, but he wasn’t even ready for me to know yet, so what do I do? Time togetherness is still happy and pretty normal if I can turn off analyzing, but when we’re apart, I’m feeling depressed and afraid I’ll lose him.

    • Author
      *Trisha Anne 2 months ago

      Tina, I see you just joined the SO group. That is a great place to ask questions and vent if needed. It’s hard when it comes out unplanned, for both partners. Being afraid you’ll lose the person you love is completely normal. Introduce yourself in the SO forum (not the home page updates), and I’m sure you’ll find others who totally get who you are coming from (ummm… like me!)

  3. Persephone Androgynous 3 months ago

    Bravo Well done!

  4. rebekka moore 4 months ago

    HI Trisha,

    I enjoyed reading your article. Early in our relationship my wife shared with me, that her first husband cross dressed (a little), and she never accepted it. That was so upsetting to me. I was astonished and sunken, as here she was (unknowingly) in a relationship with another male person, who also cross dressed. I told her about this several months later, and how frightened and anxious I was to have to share this with her. What would/must she think? Probably doubted herself! How could she have attracted another cross dressing male!? She of course did not accept this. I try to bury my desires to want to do this, but they always surface, and I give in, and have to hide and distance myself. Until she notices and says something, or the desire runs its course. It’s at times a viscous circle. Hang in there, be understanding (as you appear to be, with some difficulty) I’m certain. All you feel, every emotion high and low, should be accepted, expected and acknowledged by your partner. It is difficult for both sides, and it’s important for both sides to acknowledge and accept, each others feelings.

    Bravo to you!

  5. Sara 4 months ago

    I am struggling with my feminine side. I told my wife the first day I dressed. She was so upset and didn’t talk to me for a day and a half. I was sick to my stomach during thst time she would leave me . After she cooled off we talked she said she was ok with it if I wanted to do it once in a while within the privacy of our home. This was 2 years ago since then I have dressed 2-3 time a year always at home alone respecting her boundaries. She did not want to see it. She has made jokes and comments at times. However the last Time I dressed she was very upset. 6 months went by and we finally talked about it how she is struggling with me. I shared with her about my inner struggles with Sara. This whole time I thought she was ok with it. Now I find myself wondering what’s next will I have to put Sara away forever to save my marriage to the woman I love more than anything or will she eventually come around.?

    • Erica Cartman 4 months ago

      Sara, I wish you the best of luck with your struggle and I hope you do save your marriage and yet save your identity of “Sara”. Your story is too often the case and not always having both win out. Look deep into yourself and see which is the most important and whether you can put Sara away forever, if you can’t, it will eat you up and you will never be truly happy. If there is a way to get counseling, I would do that. It is worth a try to save years of marriage yet save or put to rest the inter feelings you are having with “Sara”. Truly, the best….Erica

  6. Jezebel Jetlag 4 months ago

    Thank you Trisha – exactly what I needed to read! I’m hoping my partner will read it too, in an effort to understand my feelings as I process what he has shared with me

  7. Katie 4 months ago

    I told my SO of my desire to crossdress when we where drunk one night although she didn’t go mad she never embraced it so I secretly crossdress as much as I can.I think I’m more than a crossdresser I think I would like to transition if I’m honest.I have slept with men in the past dressed up for them playing the woman part which I loved.So sometimes you try and open up and be truthful but unfortunately it doesn’t always work out the way you want it so you have to return to the closet and dress when you can

  8. Nancy Gamms 4 months ago

    Thank you for this Trisha.

  9. Michelle Wilmington 4 months ago

    I’m still in the closet myself, but will remember this article if I ever tell, or am outed to my SO. I think this article has the potential to help a great many people, and relationships! Thank you so much for writing it!

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