Nearly every crossdresser I’ve had the privilege to meet since I joined Crossdresser Heaven has expressed at least some level of insecurity about their femme side. Why do I need to dress? Am I weird? Will I find someone who can love and accept me? It’s unfortunate that our society has forced so many beautiful women into the closet because we can’t accept something new or different. It’s completely understandable though why crossdressing can cause major insecurities. As I’ve been getting to know more genetic girls in a relationship with a crossdresser, I’ve found that we have a unique set of insecurities ourselves, aside from the typical insecurities many women in a relationship feel.
The perception of femininity that a crossdresser has if often much different than that of genetic females. We’ve grown up entirely female, so the allure of all things feminine is sometimes lost on us. Sure, most of us like to get dolled up and feel pretty, but it isn’t something that permeates our thoughts and daily lives as it does with many crossdressers. Our partners put a lot of time and effort into presenting themselves beautifully, and some of us partners wonder if we’re girly enough. Do our partners mind that we don’t always embrace our femininity? It sounds backwards, doesn’t it? But the idea that the genetic female in the relationship is insecure about not being feminine enough for our femme loving partners is a frequent topic of discussion among us partners.
There are other insecurities too, that are harder to share with our partners, because they stem from us not understanding crossdressing, as hard as we may try. We don’t know how our relationship will change when we find out about our partner’s femme side, and it can be scary. They may do everything right and make sure we know they love us but it’s hard not to worry that their feelings for us will change because our relationship dynamic has changed so suddenly and drastically. It’s not a fair thought to have, but it’s one that almost all of the partners I’ve talked to have had. Perhaps it’s the feeling that we’ve invited another person to join our relationship. We haven’t, of course, that femme persona was always there, we just didn’t know about it, but we don’t have any other frame of reference for no longer being the only woman in our relationship.
While discussing this in the Significant Other forum, another SO said something that has allowed me to reframe how I think about this particular insecurity. She’s given me permission to share her thoughts. When responding to a member who was questioning whether their partner will still love them and want to be with them, she said “He dressed before you knew and you are the one he desires. He dressed when you knew and you continue to be the one he desires. Dressing makes him who he is and you make him feel loved so does dressing really change that love and commitment you have with each other?” I felt like a lightbulb in my head (or perhaps my heart) went off! My partner knew about his femme side when he fell in love with me, so why would his feelings for me change just because I know about her now? If anything, wouldn’t him being able to share this special part of himself just make his love for me grow?
One of the things I love about this community is the way we can share with and challenge each other. My challenge to you, whether you are a crossdresser or you love one, is to keep in mind that for all the insecurities you have, your partner probably does too. These may never go away, but if we don’t talk to each other about these kinds of things, we may miss a perspective that can help us feel just a bit more secure in ourselves or our relationship, and that can bring great comfort.
*Trisha Anne
Latest posts by *Trisha Anne (see all)
- The Insecurities of Loving a Crossdresser - June 24, 2018
- To the Partner of a Newly Outed Crossdresser - June 10, 2018
- Deciding That Love Matters Most - March 14, 2018
Thank you so so much, Trisha. I am in a 23 year loving relationship with my wife; we are raising a beautiful 14 year old son, and am just come “out” with my relationship with my inner “girlfriend”; and all kinds of physical symptoms are dissipating in my body, slowly released from to decades of low level repression. There is magic and mystery in the air. My wife is a little bit hesitant and uncertain, from her insecurities and unfamiliarity with the whole scene. But I am looking forward to periodically being the beautiful, kind, classy, compassionate, sensitive girl I am inside, with her support. I bring all kinds of “manly” things to the table of our relationship (eg, a few days ago I installed a new dishwasher!) and also she loans me her skirts to go dancing in, and is giving me tips on places to shop for delicious girl stuff (eg mascara, skirts, leggings etc) with a friend. I told her, “Let me be as much the woman I want to be, and I’ll be more of a man for you than you ever dreamed of.” I build things, fix things, lift things for her and am a great massage therapist for her and my family. I’m also thrilled to be getting my first wig and make up kit soon. Oh, my goodness, it is so scary and exciting. I wake up early before the alarm, thinking about my lucky life. It’s like a part of me that’s been ‘waiting to exhale’ for 50 years, is finally letting out a sigh of relief and pleasure. Thank you, Trisha for your warm and thoughtful article. This chapter in my life is indeed scary, and yet wonderful, and you have helped me remember I am not alone! God bless, and Tally Ho!
Beautiful and I love the excitement.
It sounds like you and your wife have a WONDERFUL partnership! I love your promise to her, that if you can be the woman you want to be, that you’ll be even more than the man she needs. Balance is hard to find, but it seems like you’ve managed to incorporate your previously hidden self into your relationship, without losing who you are as a couple. It’s a really lovely story!
Insecurities. An important insecurity is not that of being a spouse, trying to be an accepting spouse to a dear crossdresser. That can certainly be difficult for any significant other in a relationship. The real insecurity, as this girl, Roxanne, sees it, is the insecurity of trying to become the woman, the female personality, in a trans relationship. Dealing with trying to figure out how to become the woman, the wife, in a new transsexual marriage. Oh, what stressors will tiptoe to the top of the soul! Not only does one have to deal with simply living as a girl, but has to deal with altering one’s in-grained habits of years to become, exercise the habits and actions of a loving new wife! This could be a deep, pervading insecurity in one’s otherwise loving, “en femme” life!
Roxanne Lanyon
I’m not sure if I’m misinterpreting your comment, but I must say, I disagree. I know that CD and TG women experience insecurity. I acknowledged that in my article, but of course, my article was my own personal perspective as a partner. To say “an important insecurity is not that of being a spouse,” or when you say that the “real insecurity” is that of the CD/TG, and not the partner, you are minimizing the journey us partners also undertake. I encourage partners who have recently learned of their partner’s need to dress to remember how difficult this is for her, but also to remember that they have the right to feel unsure and insecure, just the same as their partner does. Please don’t minimize the difficulty that partners have in this process. It’s a shift in perspective for us too, and often what we expected from our relationship and life is turned upside down.
Oh dear, Trisha, I have phrased that so incorrectly! Please forgive me. You are right, of course. There can be insecurities for the spouse. Of course! But also, there are some who aren’t the ONLY insecure one. Oh, let’s just do away with all of this insecure mess, and just wish for happiness and understanding on both sides, ok?
Roxanne
Oh, my! Roxanne
Good Morning Trisha,
Your article is heartfelt and, I believe, an accurate assessment of the dynamics within most relationships between a CD and his spouse or significant other. JoAnn and I have been married for nearly 24 years. I told her about my CD propensity shortly into our first year. Maybe I should have told her earlier, but as we courted, my crossdressing diminished significantly and I likely felt that it might go away completely. So, why bring it up?
How did it come up? We were, of course, much younger and active in our careers, mine in public service. We had lots of opportunities to attend formal events – more than JoAnn had previously. So, one evening we were planning what we would wear – I’d just purchased a new tux, but there were options for bow tie and cummerbund. JoAnn was discussing her shoe options with her planned gown choices and talked of her difficulty finding appropriate heels because of her size 5. She said, “You might understand how difficult it is if you had to wear heels!” Shortly, I left the room to get her a glass of wine and me a beer. I quickly donned a belted sweater knit dress, panty hose and a pair of 4 inch pumps – the belt and pumps matched. When I arrived with our drinks, she looked at me, smiled, and said, “Aren’t you something!” Then we both had a laugh. I stayed dressed that way for at least an hour until we went out for dinner.
While I initially presented my dressing as a kind of costume, I soon acknowledged that “dressing up” was something I enjoyed doing. She seemed not uncomfortable with that and for several months, we would occasionally dress together, sometimes similar outfits. I believe that neither of us saw this as oversexualized. What I hadn’t anticipated was how sexualized it was becoming for me. I had never shared my crossdressing with anyone, much less a woman with whom I was in love. I loved her seeing me in women’s lingerie and heels. I could get dressed up, but the minute she touched me, I became immediately aroused. It was so good that I got carried away. As we settled into our relationship – past the honeymoon – I think JoAnn grew less comfortable with our “costuming.” Pretty soon, she really didn’t want to dress at all.
As time went on we discussed it, with me explaining my compulsion. She read whatever we could find in 1995, but her understanding was impeded by some of the elements to which you alluded regarding her own femininity. How could it not? Suffice to say, 24 years later, our marriage is strong and growing stronger in our retirement, but she does not share my crossdressing. It is really pretty much the only thing we do not share, and I’m sorry. She knows I love her completely, she tolerates some of my androgynous dressing, but the truly feminine aspects of my crossdressing are left unaddressed.
Best of luck in your relationship. I will look for your future posts to see if you come up with a plan that might work for us.
Thanks,
FAM
Oh Falecia.. I feel for you dear. Good for you for your honesty, and I’m so glad you’ve been able to make your loving relationship thrive through it all. I hope that one day she can accept this part of you, as tolerating is not the same…. that being said, you both clearly love each other and want to be together. That’s the MOST important thing.
Oh my word ….your story could have been written by me …maybe our wives know each other and are comparing notes :-). Goodness it was so nice to read your (our) story, thank you !!
Love Elaine
THANK YOU! What a great article! I will be sharing it with my SO!
Thank you, Trisha. I just came out to my wife who is trying to understand and be supportive. What you share will be helpful in our conversation.
I absolutely love this article. So very well written. The context uhh s spot on. Thank you Trisha.
Hugs girlfriend
Danielle
Thank you for this. I can relate to this on such a level! I do feel insecure as a generic female. I do feel at times that I live together will end. I am thankful that he shared with me what was going on inside of him, however I don’t think he understands the impact it had on me and has on me.
I’m not great about getting on here lately , but I try to respond when I can. Your life together doesn’t have to end, but it will change. I think it’s really common that those who come out as a CD think that the only massive changes that are happening are for them, and forget that their partner’s life is changing too. Make sure he knows that. This site is so great for support.
Thanks and agreed. My apologies for not responding sooner. So grateful for this site.
I know what you mean when you say you don’t think he understands the impact it had and has on you. From the very start I have been more than understanding. I’ve giving him years of understanding and space, allowing him room to decide for himself who he wanted to be sexually. In all this time he has never bothered to explore or understand my sense of sexuality. It feels like he won’t give me my natural place as a woman and I resent it.
Denise
I know we all have so many emotions running wild in this. I am up, then down and sometimes for lack of a better phrase…. I just am. I came here for more understanding and for support. I introduced my spouse to this site also. I was highly upset with the sites he had joined and was quite vocal on that!
I would like to say that we have reached an agreement/understanding of each other’s needs, but that is not the case. We are working on that though! I love him very much but I do not know what the final outcome will be…I pray for the best outcome possible! I hope the two of you can also reach a mutual middle for your relationship also. I know you said that you had tried to be more than supportive and the reciprocation did not transpire. I do not know the answer for you but I am here if you ever need a sounding board or a ear to hear what is on your mind. I have found that when I say my feelings out loud or share them with someone else, in some way it helps me. Much better than just keeping everything going on within me, staying inside me.
Much love
You rock and thank you for your honesty. I agree just getting it out helps so much. After so many years of having to stuff it all down, what a blessing to have other woman to talk to who understand. I believe it has saved my life. Thanks and back at you. Feel free to use me as a sounding board or just need to talk. I would love that. Your friend, Denise
This is the problem I am having. I just found out 10 days ago after 17 years of marriage and raising three sons. I am VERY supportive of my husband, but I feel so left out and insecure. I have always been a very “strong” woman and my “man” has always been my “safe place”. I feel lost because I don’t feel safe anymore. I haven’t seen him fully dressed yet, and I’m scared about how that will make me feel. We have been shopping three times — once for panties, once for lotions and bubble bath and once for dresses. He was over the moon happy, and I loved being able to make him so happy. But, how do I deal with my own anxiety? I know he loves me. I know we will survive this. But I’m struggling with how “I” can feel beautiful during this transition? My husband is two sizes smaller than I am — I pulled out my old clothes from the upstairs closet that I have not been able to fit into in years and they fit him beautifully. He’s shaved his body (which I asked him not to do just yet), and his skin feels softer than mine. Is my own insecurity a phase because this is so new? He has done everything in his power to make me feel beautiful and loved, but I feel soooo lost.
Robin,
As I read this, it could have been writing this post! I too feel I have lost my “safe place”. His was the strong one…my man that lead the way. Now I am so lost and not really sure of my role, because that definitely has changed. He is so out of touch with “us” as a couple…..and in the sense we have always been no longer exist. I never know who I am coming home to or what our evening/night will hold. I am usually so anxious when I start home each day…sometimes I find myself shaking and heart pounding to the point I can feel it in my chest, neck and head!
He usually has new clothes and accessories arriving in the mail almost everyday and he spends the day enjoying those and can’t seem to get anything done at home anymore. His mind is a million miles away. He is always secretive and makes sure his phone is in his sight at all times.
Then he wonders why I am in such deep thought….really? I don’t even know which way to turn most days..much less able to be myself anymore.
Hi, my name is Denise and I wish I could tell you it’s just your insecurities because it’s so new, but I can not. Interestingly enough, I’ve known for 17 years where as you are finding out after 17 years and 3 sons. Wow, that is a huge pill to swallow to be sure. In all fairness to him 17 years is a long time to have to keep a secret from the woman he loves. However, he and all CD have a responsibility to us their partners in telling us. At least that gives us the ability to make fully nformed decisions in our life. I was wondering about your not feeling safe anymore because I identity with that but am not sure why. Anyway have any kind of day you would like and thanks for reaching back. Hugs from Denise