“You’re not a girl, but you are girly,” said my wife. I looked up from my crossword, puzzled about what had motivated her comment. She was pointing at my legs. In accordance with our negotiated rules, I wore guy clothes in front of her, but I had absentmindedly double-crossed my legs, one foot neatly tucked behind the other ankle. They’d been freshly shaved that morning. The tone of her voice and smile told me she meant well. She has warned me in public when I have not behaved strictly as a guy would. I need to pay closer attention.
Coming out as a crossdresser would end my employment. Whatever the laws may say, the people I serve are not ready for one. And I work at the pleasure of those people. I can state that it has been a joy to witness how quickly acceptance of our community has increased—in general—but without any doubt, I cannot count on it in my own circumstance.
My wife is supportive. She prefers not to see me dressed but when by chance it happens she doesn’t complain. She has even complimented my outfits. On every birthday she gives me a new charm for my bracelet. She gets me cosmetics, cleansers, and lotions. She fears, perhaps even more than I, the repercussions for all of us if my girly side were to become public. So, we have set firm boundaries. They help to ease her concerns while keeping me safer. For both of those reasons, I am happy we had that conversation. I highly recommend the same for any sister with a significant other. I am not telling anybody they have to make the same choices, only to have the talk.
I wear panties every day. In cooler weather, when I wear sweaters over my button-downs, I add a sports bra. When my wife starts her journey home from her weekly visits to our daughter, she texts me so I may know when to go drab. We have other boundaries in place for my home life. The rules negotiated for my public crossdressing are more important—and inviolable. If I leave the house dressed, I am not to wear my wig or anything obviously feminine that anybody might see until I have gotten out of town. Only then do I pull into a country lane and finish my preparation.
I took the picture submitted with this article using a Snapchat female filter. It improves my facial appearance, but the wig is mine and from the Adam’s apple down it is how I really look. As my wife has also said, “If they don’t get a good look at your face they could watch you all day and think, That’s a tall woman.” When dressed, my mannerisms and my voice are so feminine that I’ve come to think of them as being second nature. Truthfully, I have known for years they are really part of the one, unified me.
I travel to faraway stores and parks. I’ve even worn my one-piece to a beach and sat on a towel as I read. I attract the occasional double-take, but for the most part, I just do my thing without being troubled. Last week, wearing a pretty sky-blue top over white shorts and sandals, I drove down the interstate. On the spur of the moment, I pulled into a rest area. I sat at a table in a shelter away from the main buildings and pulled my phone out of my purse. I got a little too involved in social media. A trucker came up on my blind side. I heard his footsteps. I turned my head away, stashed my phone, and got up to leave. He exclaimed, “Hey, don’t go!”
As I speed-walked away, my hips wiggling a bit more than usual, and my heart racing, I thought of what women have to deal with on a daily basis. It makes me both angry and sad; I try hard not to be one of those men. But honestly, this encounter was so affirming for me. It made my day. Alas, I had to climb in my car, stop in the lane, take off my wig, pull on a sweatshirt, and drive into the garage. The door closed on that part of me once again. This is the life my wife and I have chosen, and while it is not everything I wish, I am willing to pay the price to keep living it.
More Articles by Moira Stuart
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Loved the way that open and honest discussion between two adults enable both parties to be comfortable with crossdressing. Enjoy your life!
Thank you!
While it’s great that you two can talk about things & come to an agreement– I do wonder what She would would say/do If he tried to control how she dressed–
Not sure I understand. I would never try to control how my wife dresses. In fact, one of the wonderful and unexpected developments in our life together is that she regularly asks for my opinion on what she might wear. We both enjoy those talks. But control? No thanks. Not in either direction.
Thanks for your post. It’s definitely not an easy life to lead and I think more societal awareness of CD’s the better. One of the issues I see generally is men are not regarded/accepted as having the full range of human emotional experiences. This is largely imposed from a young age “Toughen Up, Man Up, Don’t Cry etc." Policing toward the ‘correct’ form of masculinity is doled out from both Men and Women in different ways. In a past relationship I’d come out about my feminine side. After the initial shock she was supportive but to a point. I felt… Read more »
It does sound as though you were better off apart. I recognize how lucky I am. But just to reiterate, my wife prefers not to see dressed. That’s a boundary that she has not been able to move.
How do you get your wife to talk to you, instead of talking down to you like your some kind of freak?
Honestly, it comes from her more than me. She is very compassionate and, truth be told struggles with self-esteem. I have tried from the start of our relationship 45 years ago to get her to become more assertive. (Though in the early years I didn’t try too hard. I regret that now.)
Really enjoyed this article. Love the girly comment from your wife. Wish my wife would say something nice as well. It’s difficult not being accepted having all the work arounds but understandable when being married.
My wife and I are so close she sees, hears and knows everything I do as Kathy which makes me feel guilty.
Enjoy
Feeling guilty that is a hole different topic I would love to be totally honest with my wife and share my experience with her but she doesn’t approve so sneaking around and feeling guilty about it seems to be the norm.
It brings you to the decision making question which, if you’ve been happily married for years the answer is obvious. Having as much Kathy time as possible. Happily. ♥️
We can control only ourselves. (And many struggle with that!) I would just suggest that if you ask her how much she wants to talk it over, then talk at the tip-top of that level, she will possibly agree to more. More talk and more dressing. But we have to be honest with ourselves and our significant others or nothing really works. I am NOT suggesting you’re dishonest; just building on your comment. And if you ask her forgiveness (not for dressing as I do not think that is an offense) but for whatever it is that makes you feel… Read more »
Wow. The park at the rest area with the truck or sounds exciting. It would have been interesting if you would let him propose to you and see how things would have progressed.
I think I’m in a different place than you. And that’s fine. But I have no interest in men. So this was for me an affirmation that I was able to “pass" (as long as the face don’t get seen), yet also a frightening reminder that I need to PAY ATTENTION.
You are so pretty
Thank you for the article Moira. I just told my wife of 20 some years and we are just starting to find everyone’s place in this relationship. I hope to at least end up close to where you are at.
You go girl
Hugs
Bree
God bless you both!
Great story! Got my heart pounding. I had a similar experience once. I was doing some self photography in the mountains (alone) and I heard someone down the hill, looked, we made eye contact for a split second, and he took off running up the hill toward me! I grabbed my things and took off across the mountain and then back down to my car without incident. Scared the heck out of me! I haven’t tried that since! Never again, alone. Thanks for sharing.
Moira how lucky you are and the way wife gives you up to where and when you go out on your own or even those times shopping together love it
Auroras Livingfem
My wife & I used to go out as two women shopping/dinner/daytrips ect a lot– I was the nervous one & would restrict myself — She died suddenly a couple yrs ago –Now I’m more fearful than ever — I think mostly about keeping my job/house ect with only one income now– so far I have’nt been able to find like minded Friends in my area– I’m hoping that will make the difference–
any Advice??