I wanted to share a very special moment with all of you, not only in my crossdressing life but in my life in general.  I only joined this site a few months ago, however, I have grown by leaps and bounds ever since. Even though I have been crossdressing on and off for many years, it wasn’t until March of this year that I accepted who and what I was.

Early this past March I wasn’t in a good place, I was getting a little depressed about my life as it was. There was something missing and I couldn’t put my finger on it. My crossdressing inventory at the time was scant, to say the least, but one morning I woke up and dug out what I had, and while I was putting on a pair of stocking, I realized how good it felt when I got dressed up. Then it hit me, this is what I was missing.

Another thing I noticed, that even though I only had a limited inventory, was that I really didn’t look that good in what I had. Previously, during the times of my past little depression episodes, I would substitute food for the real issue at hand, and I gained a lot of weight. I decided right then and there that I would expand my inventory, go on a diet, and expand my participation in this activity.  In other words, I would go all in “go all in.”  I made an appointment with my doctor, right then and there, to get his advice on a “real” and SAFE diet plan.  With that out of the way, I was off to explore what I would need to “dress” the way I wanted to feel.

I was deeply closeted, so going to buy things in brick and mortar stores was out.  So I got online and started ordering everything I thought I would need, but not having any clue about size conversions and so on, I made many mistakes. I still have an inventory of brand new shoes and clothes in the wrong sizes. Makeup was another issue, not only where to get it, but how to use or apply it properly.  After a couple of months of doing makeup on my own (and getting less than stellar results), I decided to a search for help.

However, I had not yet accepted what I was. I think I had a phobia of even uttering the word “Cross Dresser” or even worse, “transgendered.”  Somehow I did type both of those words into my search engine and many different sites came up.  But after seeing some of them, I was even more scared. At last, when I hit the link to Crossdresser Heaven, bells and whistles went off. Finally, a site that looked like it had good and useful information, yet, I was still scared. I asked myself what was I doing here? Is this who and what I am? Again the lights came on and I felt a rush go through me, and I just admitted it, this IS who I am.  So, I joined Crossdresser Heaven and gave myself a Femme name and the acceptance had begun.  Not only with my inner being, but with responses to my introduction within the site. I immediately started getting responses and every one of them was kind and helpful. Here I found acceptance, not ridicule, I was truly welcomed, and what a feeling that was. At that point, not only did I accept the fact I was transgender, but I fully embraced it. In fact, I even considered transitioning, even questioning my other preferences.  Neither of those things has happened so far, but the fact I considered them was “big” to me.

Since then, I have grown in leaps and bounds and I no longer consider myself a newbie. In fact, I find myself actually giving advice and helping people. I now feel at home with my CD/transgender status and I’ve grown so much more tolerant in general. I have lost almost 50 pounds since I started this journey, I have posted pictures of myself all dressed up in many different types of outfits, which is something I would never have thought I could do. I’ve been watching the progress slowly appearing over the time, with every little step I have taken. Yet, I have had one more thing I needed to do, that is to step out of the closet and into the open as “Erica”.

It had gotten to the point that “going out” was becoming another issue in itself. Around the 4th of July, I decided to take a “baby step.” I carefully checked up and down the street for any neighbors (Nope looks good) and I then went out to the mailbox as “Erica”. I grabbed the mail and then got back in the house as fast as my 5″ heels would allow me.  What a thrill!  Again, I checked for neighbors (nope, all clear), I then watered all the outside plants en femme. I did this for several days, but it still didn’t satisfy my desire, so I knew I had to go further.

Fortunately, I have made many friends here, and they all have been very supportive. One in particular, “Karen” was one of the few friends I have that actually lives in the same State as I do. We have talked many times and I wanted to meet “her” anyway. We have been trying to schedule this meeting for a long time.  However, also being pretty much closeted and with the added responsibility of being a single parent and having a job, it was tough for her to make these arrangements. Well after what seemed like forever, we finally decided that this weekend was the one.

I was so excited yet scared at the same time, as to whether I could actually drive over 125 miles one way as “Erica”. Since I didn’t want our first meeting to me in drab, and I also wasn’t feeling too good about stopping somewhere along the way and trying to dress and put makeup on in some strange location. I made the decision, Erica was taking a road trip.  A couple hours later I met Karen, who was still in drab, outside her home. She recognized me from my pictures and waved me into her driveway. I did it! Being that far from home helped a lot as far as not feeling like I might be “outed”, and I felt very much at ease. We hit off like I hoped we would. She showed me her home and fixed me a meal, she was the perfect hostess. She got “dressed” a little while later and we spent the rest of night talking and taking a few pictures.

The next day, while I was “dressed”,  we went shopping for “women’s clothes” at local thrift stores and had a wonderful time. Later that night, while both of us were now “dressed” we visited a “safe” location to have a drink or two. While there we met 3 other fellow CD’s who introduced themselves, and they were very pleasant and new friendships were made.

However, Sunday morning came around all too soon and I had to leave. The entire time I was as there I never once left my “Erica” persona, I was always “dressed” and in character.  We said our goodbyes, knowing we made a strong, and long-term friendship. I drove home as Erica, all the time thinking of all the things I had accomplished over the last couple of days. And how the events that had just unfolded made this a truly life-changing and satisfying experience. “Erica” will never see the darkness of that closet again, she is now free to do what she wants, whenever and wherever that desire may take her… For all of you who long for or want to do the same, if I can do it, so can you.

The following two tabs change content below.

Erica Cartman

Hi, I am a transitioning transgendered "woman" who is looking to improve herself. l have grown so much since joining this and it's sister site and I am living almost 24/7 as a woman....I'm always looking to meet and talk to new friends who share similar interests in growth, especially persons who live local or with a reasonable travel distance for possible meet and greets. .I am caring person, and I'd be glad to share my experiences and help anyone who has questions or fears, maybe confused about their being a CD/Trans-person or transitioning...So if you would like to talk, meet or share, please drop me a line...Thank You!

Latest posts by Erica Cartman (see all)

  1. Talhia Swey 11 months ago

    A great story, life has just begun, wake up every day as if it was in purpose!

    • Author
      Erica Cartman 9 months ago

      Hi, I enjoy my new life as Erica and it’s a long journey that will continue to bring me both challenges and happiness…

  2. Stephie Morgan 11 months ago

    Erica, thank you for sharing your journey. I am still struggling to find the strength many of you ladies have. I am so happy for you.

    • Author
      Erica Cartman 11 months ago

      Stephie, As I tell everyone you might have to start off with baby steps, short trips to get gas, a drive around a town or city 20 or 30 miles away where no one knows you…especially if you travel on business….until you get the cong=fidence to do more…I also keep saying how little people apy attention to you as long as you dress down and blend in to the soccer mom look, like loose jeans, pants simple cotton top, normal amount of make up… nothing flashy that will draw attention to you…Even woman’s sunglasses during the day…great to hide your identity… You can do it!!! Hugs Erica

      • Denise sullivan 11 months ago

        So well put Erica and I too have made the same steps of development and have the same outlook

      • Author
        Erica Cartman 9 months ago

        You can do it Honey…Erica

  3. Ashley 11 months ago

    I’m so proud of you Erica. I am 48 and have been cross dressing since I was 11. Had 5 sisters so it was easy.

    • Author
      Erica Cartman 11 months ago

      Yes it is easier for those who have sisters and extra clothes in the attic or basement to have access to a bounty of outfits… A complete outfit makes you feel more complete… Erica

  4. SAL-lee Heart 11 months ago

    Thank you for sharing your wonderful story. I believe your journey will
    Help others find direction. The same for me now I am empty. Nester.
    Again thank you for sharing …………..Sallee

    • Author
      Erica Cartman 11 months ago

      Thank you so much for those words of encouragement to those who would want to get out and about.

  5. Ambermaria Martinez 11 months ago

    Omg eriCA what a wonderful story so happy you know how you are. It’s a lifetime journey not looking back in life but looking forward to your femmine side is very important to us girls

    • Author
      Erica Cartman 11 months ago

      You are so right, thank you for your comment, I hope others read your comments too…Hugs Erica

  6. Melinda C 11 months ago

    I can relate to your story in so many ways. Feeling frustrated and as if life was constantly missing something. Thank you for sharing! Maybe one day I’ll manage to to over come the fear of stepping out as you have.

    • Author
      Erica Cartman 11 months ago

      Melinda, you are the the reason I wrote it, if you look at the advise I gave to others in their responses to this post about blending in, rather than standing out you will find your worries are for not… I found that with experience comes confidence which translates into being so much more likely to be ignored as a “man in a dress or outfit” and actually being accepted as a woman. Now that I am transitioning and living almost totally as Erica I find myself acting more like a woman too…The way women carry themselves is different and I have found myself naturally following their lead.. I now get called Ma’me or Miss, by men and Honey & Dear (by women) all the time….I can’t tell you good that makes me feel since my goal is to be a woman, inward and outward. Please read some of the response besides the article itself… Hugs Erica

  7. Dawn Judson 11 months ago

    Beautiful story, Erica! I appreciated your kind words regarding my photos that I posted. last night (Yes, I’m a happy girl when I’m Dawn.). So I wanted to check you out.

    I’m very impressed with your self-realization & your assertiveness in finding yourself. I’m going through the same thing & am feeling more & more comfortable as Dawn. I’ve been crossdressing (although I didn’t know it was called that, back then) since I was about 10. Until recently, I always felt like I enjoyed crossdressing– but wished I didn’t. I think it was something I was born with, but the thing that I felt that really awakened the desire in me, was a magazine article. It was called “True” & I found it on the top shelf of the closet (How appropriate). Naturally, I curiously looked through the magazine, perhaps, hoping to find pictures of nude women. But then, I came across an article entitled, “My Husband Became a Woman”. Suddenly, I wanted to see how it felt to be a girl & started trying on things that belonged to my mom & sister. It felt so good & actually excited me, sexually.

    I’m pretty sure that my mom knew about it. She had caught me, trying on a pair of my granny’s shoes, once, and I’m sure that she could tell that somone had been into her clothes– especially when I accidentally got makeup on a white sundress & didn’t know how to clean it. There was also a time when I was riding with my sister, brother in law & my best friend. My friend asked me if I had mascara on (Apparently, I hadn’t done a good job of washing it off.) I told him, “No, I was taking a nap. That’s why my eyes look like this.” I don’t think any of them bought it.

    I wasn’t gay. I liked girls & had several girlfriends throughout high school. I was still doing the closet thing, but when I was with them, crossdressing never crossed (pardon the pun) my mind . Also, never really thought about it while serving a few years in the Air Force. But it all seemed to come back when my wife & I were dating & we went to a friend’s Halloween Party as the opposite sex. Shortly after we got married, I played a trick on her, one morning, as we were getting ready for work. She had her clothes laid out for the day. While she was showering, I put her bra on under my shirt. She couldn’t figure out where she had put it. I wanted to see how long it would take her to find it. Again, it felt good.

    The following year, I admitted to her that I enjoyed it & asked her if she’d mind. She said OK. I didn’t do it often, but I got a little carried away, one weekend, and pierced my own ears. No one said anything about it at work, but I’m sure the holes were noticable. Then, we threw our own Halloween party. You guessed it. She was a butler & I was a French maid.

    Well, we have five kids. The oldest three are girls. I still “dressed up”, occasionally, when they were young, but when the boys came along, I stopped & purged what little clothing I had.

    You know, I didn’t intend for this to be a biography, but I’m on a roll.

    Once the boys grew up & moved out, I found myself wearing some of my wife’s clothes. In fact, over the years, although she rarely lets me wear lingerie to bed, our foreplay involves her doing things to me that would normally be done to a woman. No, she’s not gay either, although I have daydreamed about what it would be like to have lesbian sex with her. That said, crossdressing doesn’t seem to sexually stimulate me like it once did. Instead, it gives me more of a feeling of satisfaction– like this feels right & it’s who I should be.

    I’m really opening up, here, and it is quite liberating to do so. Thank goodness that I found Crossdresser Heaven. I also didn’t want to apply the term, “crossdresser” to myself. I was very apprehensive about joining, initially, and have remained guarded about posting, but the more time I spend as Dawn, the more confident I become. I’m enjoying the replies I’m getting from my “sisters”. I agree, Erica, There’s acceptance here. I no longer feel like a “freak”. It’s amazing how many others have the same issue that I do. Three years ago, I would have never thought that I could be this open about “my little secret”.

    Like you, Erica, I started doing some online shopping & expanded my wardrobe. And also like you, I ended up with a few things that didn’t fit, but overall, I’ve been pretty lucky with sizing. I’m a 14, but I’m hoping to get down to a 12. I have a little roll I need to get rid of. I’d also like to get a little plastic surgery, removing some eye bags & getting a little bit of a lift, so that it feminizes my face a little. I’ve also considered electrolysis & some herbs to slightly enhance my breasts (I don’t have much in that area). If anyone has any suggestions, I’m all ears. Also, after many years, playing sports, my legs are kind of beat up. I’d like to wear shorts or a casual skirt without hose. Any ideas about how to shape them up?

    Last Halloween (Ain’t that a wonderful holiday?), I attended two different parties– one in a flowered dress (a guy tried to pick me up) & the other as a St. Pauli Girl. Since last year, I’ve gotten involved with a couple of different crossdressing groups which has allowed me to come out of the closet. My schedule hasn’t allowed me to attend very many meetings, but when I can, it has helped me find who I am & to admit to myself that I am a crossdresser. Does that make me transgendered? I’m not sure. Being honest with myself, I would like to transition & become a woman, but my wife says she would leave me if I did. I couldn’t do that to her. She didn’t “sign up for this”. She’s the best thing that ever happened to me & she’s the only one who knows about this. I worry about how it would affect my family & work relationships if anyone knew.

    I find that I’m becoming Dawn more often, but I have to be careful not to upset my wife. We had a pretty deep conversation, yesterday. She let me buy a new wig, on Friday, and she bought me a pair of capris, a skirt & two pairs of earrings, yesterday. She’s accepting that Dawn is a part of our lives; that I need Dawn. My wife even says that, as Dawn, I seem to be more productive around the house and assist her with “womanly” chores, but she’s worried that maybe she shouldn’t be encouraging me.

    Maybe she’s right. Right now, I’m in that skirt & I’m very happy with the way I’m looking (In fact, because she doesn’t like me coming to bed, as Dawn, I have to start taking it off- but I really don’t want to). My make-up skills are improving. My wife now says that she thinks I could “pass” in public (I have to work on the voice, though). We may be planning a “Girls Day Out”, soon, going shopping, having lunch & getting manicures & pedicures. I look & feel younger when I’m Dawn. When I exercise, for some reason, I feel stronger & more energetic as Dawn. Many people, who have seen pictures of Dawn or seen her at one of those Halloween parties, say that I look better as a woman than I do as a man. I have to agree.

    Sometimes, I get frustrated with my job & other things in my life, but I find crossdressing therapeutic. Put me in a dress and it completely lightens my mood. My depression used to be worse & sometimes incapacitating. Looking back, perhaps subconsciously, I was down because I couldn’t be a woman or, at least, look like one.

    This is what’s missing in my life, too. I’m worried that if I don’t transition soon, I’ll begin to feel that it’s too late & will live my whole life, not realizing my dream & being who I think I was meant to be. How sad would that be? I think my wife realizes that & that’s why she’s reluctantly giving me the “green light”– so I can enjoy the next best thing to being a woman while I can.

    In closing, I just want to say, even though I don’t know you, I’m proud of you, Erica. Life’s short. Be gorgeous!

    • Author
      Erica Cartman 11 months ago

      Thank you Dawn for sharing your story…We all have different reason for “dressing” …I realized mine was more than the excitement of wearing the clothes but the need to wear the clothes in order to feel more like the woman I feel I am. Like you I should have realized this years ago to give me a better chance and transitioning the way I want to…I am now on HRT but a fairly low dose until the doctor feels I can’t tolerate higher ones.. This is the road I chose and it isn’t for everyone…You do have to consider your loved ones and it’s effect on them, as well as on you.. I’m sort of lucky where as I have no one in my life right now and my family is accepting the fact that I need to be Erica full time and forever. Your wanting to transition is something you have to share with that wonderful woman you married… so don’t enter it in haste as it may not be the best option for you. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you find the answer you are looking for. Hugs… Erica

      • Dawn Judson 11 months ago

        I’m with you, Erica. As I said, “dressing up” used to be stimulating, but now I think I do it, mainly, to feel comfortable– to feel more like I’m who I’m meant to be. Thanks for your advice & insight.

      • Dawn Judson 11 months ago

        BTW, best of luck with your transition.

  8. SAL-lee Heart 11 months ago

    Hi Erica
    I am back home had good trip. I also plan to get out and enjoy myself.
    I recently found out that SEPHORA teaches 1on1 makeup transformation lessons at their store. I will be planning a lesson for a safe outing. Including shopping…….your friend Sallee,,,,stay beautiful

  9. Brenda Huntress 11 months ago

    Sounds very encouraging to me and that is what I need! I’m ordering dresses, make up nylons, panties and all the rest of my needs. Congrats on you weight loss! I need to loose about 15 to 20 lbs.

    • Author
      Erica Cartman 11 months ago

      Thank you…for your comments and once you take that first step and see that your confidence will give you the encouragement to continue to take bigger steps…Good luck girl! Erica

  10. Laura Jones 10 months ago

    Hi Erica, Thank you for sharing your lovely story. You gave me another needed boost of confidence. This is truly a great site for weary souls.

    • Author
      Erica Cartman 10 months ago

      Hi Laura, I am glad you liked my article, I only hope it does give you a boost of confidence. You’d be amazed how much more confidence you get every trip out of that closet does for you. You can have the freedom to come and go as you please en femme if you give it a chance…Hugs Erica

Leave a reply

Subscribe To Our Newsletter

Subscribe To Our Newsletter

Join our mailing list to receive the latest news and updates from Crossdresser Heaven.

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Log in with your credentials


Forgot your details?

Create Account