This is Part 2 of Meili’s story. Part 1 can be read here
Barbra had invited me to the January 2016 LCSG meeting.
The time has come. I am headed to LCSG meeting with my wife. I got our hotel room, called Barbra and asked if she could come up to my room so I could introduce her to my wife, which she did. I asked Barbra if she could escort me to the LCSG suite and introduce me to the group and she agreed. My emotions have never been as extreme as they were now. I am not even sure how to describe what I was feeling… fear, no going back, relief, regret, joy, freedom… I think every feeling one has. When I met the ladies there I felt totally at ease. After all, they were wearing dresses and I wasn’t, haha. They allowed me to ask some questions until I was comfortable with LCSG and what they represent. I went back to my room, then brought my wife down and introduced her to the group. She felt at ease as well.
The LCSG sisters asked if my wife and I wanted to go with them that evening to a comedy club. Well maybe. I wanted to get dressed up with my makeup and see if I was even presentable. I had never been out in public dressed up other than Halloween 20 years ago. I put on my dress; Christy helped with my makeup. There I was done… Cinderella. I went back to the suite and presented myself to the group as Meili. All the ladies were very pleasant and said I was ready to go out with them to the comedy club. But wait, even though I felt I looked good there came those feelings once again… fear, no going back, relief, regret, joy, freedom, fear of discrimination and more. The ladies encouraged me. My wife encouraged me and said relax, the other ladies are relaxed. Again I was the odd lady out of place, at least in my mind. We went to the club, I enjoyed myself, I felt safe with the group but I was never totally relaxed the whole time. When we returned to the hotel l went to the room. I recall I could not sleep the entire night. I just lay in bed tossing and turning. My emotions of the day must have triggered so much adrenalin my body could not sleep.
The next morning my wife helped me with my nails and hair. I then took her to work nearby, then returned to that hotel for my 1st LCSG group meeting. Amazingly, there were wives there and newcomers going through the same thing I was. At that point I came to realize I can be normal without all these feelings or emotions if I just accept who I am.
This is not what I call my transition. I call this transcendent to embrace the other part of my being who is feminine, who is Meili, which by the way, in Mandarin, means beautiful. Being able to be transcendent is beautiful. I can equally balance my male self with my female self and bridge both sides of my personality and identify with both. My body is male, I am male but I also recognized the need to allow my female qualities to represent themselves and this includes wearing women’s clothes. I embrace this acceptance of who I am, my female qualities are becoming more part of me when I represent myself as male more and more. In the past I recall trying to suppress any feminine tendencies if they surfaced for fear of being called gay or weak, which throughout my life probably made me more aggressive at times. But balancing both qualities makes me unique, more balanced and at peace with this gift. I imagine this is ok, God created us in God’s image; God is both Male and Female so there is nothing wrong with someone who is male with totally male qualities or female with totally female qualities. I just happen to identify myself as male with both male and female qualities.
Loving is accepting, I love my wife so much, I would not have transcended without her. I thank all the transgender people who for years have stayed the course of who they are regardless how they identify because they have made it easier for me and many others to understand and be themselves.
I am getting ready to watch the playoffs. Today my nails will be orange and blue for the Broncos colors. If Broncos win today, then next week I will watch the AFC Championship game as male, and if they go to the Super Bowl then maybe I will wear my makeup on only half of my face so I can watch as male and female, I am having fun with this.
More Articles by The Author
- Meili’s Story – Part 2
- Long, Winding Road
- Meili’s Story – Part 1
- Elephant in the Room?
- Bra shopping at Victoria’s Secret.