… when you look down at your freshly painted toes and feel that rush. OMG!

I’m new, quite new in fact, but the desires have spanned decades. Like so many on here whose own stories are very compelling. They come from hard backgrounds, tough times and a locked closet of ten bolts, locks and rivets so that no one can pry that door open. Not all of our paths to this point are the same, but a lot of us have emerged from similar backgrounds.

So when there’s that moment when we can look down at our toes or feel the fabric grace upon our skin we can rejoice, even if just for a few minutes. Because ultimately, hopefully, some day we can let our inner girl out from the shell we’ve had within us.

No matter what way we choose to create that opening of exploration and feeling, it’s with hope that we all, all of us, can some day experience that at a time that best suits us. Not everyone wants 24/7 but a lot do. Not everyone has the same buttons to press and that’s okay too. The great thing about a place like CDH is that we all get it. We may not be the same, or have the same desires and wants, but we get it at the most basic level. The incredible love and support here is beyond words: the best experience I could’ve asked for.

The road may be very hard and difficult. The opportunities may be limited or seemingly non-existent but I will always know that I have a home here of girls that understand and get it. That’s a huge blessing when there are days I wake wondering exactly how I got here and where do I go now that I am here. These steps are tough but they’re good solid steps. However, as I take those steps I see my painted toes and I know this is where I was meant to be.

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Belle

The self discovery for this girl is ongoing. I discovered my desire to dress fem at an early age - and unfortunately I was discovered ... and then ridiculed ... and then demeaned ... and then being told I was gay (which at the time was a slam), a freak, basically - any name in the book to otherwise shame me to throw those thoughts out. I did ... and I would revisit them every so often with partners, but they weren't into it or they blamed my interest as the reason for the breakup. I shut that part of me down ... until summer 2016 when a partner woke up this side and ... watch out! I told the rest of my partners as the year wore on - and finally outed myself Dec. '16. It was horrifying, liberating, freeing, scary, wonderful, and most importantly: peaceful. I identify as being gender fluid (edited: I actually now identify as non-binary just because it seems to be the best label to apply atm). I'm blessed to have an incredible immediate support system that's not only okay with it, but support it, feed it and otherwise enjoys that side ever bit as much as I do. I don't take that for granted and wished other girls could afford the same lucky break I got. The journey of life is always evolving. We never know where it's going to take us - but I've learned it's not important to have all the answers. What matters most is just being myself. Even in the imperfections of the world, I can still be me - even when I have to do it in male drab. I'm a reserved open book. A story in progress ... and if you want to know anything else - feel free to ask 🙂

Latest posts by Belle (see all)

87 Comments
  1. Jenna W 3 years ago

    I’ve only had the pleasure once of getting a pedicure…Loved every minute of it. My girlfriend ‘convinced’ me to get it done. I loved all the pampering that was done.

    • Author
      Belle 3 years ago

      Yay! I hope you get to experience some of that pampering love again soon someday!

  2. Stefanie 3 years ago

    Valentine’s Day is on the way time for a pretty pedi thinking a deep dark red
    Can’t wait
    As many of us as possible lets get pedis- it will help all of us open others minds on men getting pedis and if you are really bold go in femme mode

    • Author
      Belle 3 years ago

      I totally agree! I just came out last night in the sluttiest red I have – and went out to a local Trans panel forum and it went great! I was very much anxiety riddled and very self-conscious but it was an awesome experience!

      Go for the red! You won’t be sorry!

  3. Renee T 3 years ago

    Beautiful story Blue Belle. I am working up the courage right now to stop into a nail salon to get my one (at least) pedicure done. I have painted my nails a few times and it is such a rush to look down and see something on you that makes you feel like you are yourself. Thanks for sharing.

    • Author
      Belle 3 years ago

      You’re taking steps and you don’t even realize you’re doing it Renee! Even just painting your own nails can lead to those points where you eventually go into a nail salon. I haven’t been yet – but I’ve been told that a lot of guys are going in requesting mani/pedi treatments – so I’m really not all that worried.

      Eventually you may even find one that’s CD-friendly and get them to paint your nails sometime 🙂 Just be true to yourself and take whatever time you need to do the small things. You’re gonna go far!

  4. Rebecca Smith 3 years ago

    I read this last night before I went out for dinner. Loved the post and got inspired so I bought some red nail polish and matching lipstick. 1st polish for me and much bolder lipstick than I’ve ever tried. Go bold or go home! Thanks for the inspiration!

    • Author
      Belle 3 years ago

      That’s awesome Rebecca!! Congratulations for taking that proverbial toe-dip in the pool!

  5. VanessaC 3 years ago

    It’s true, we really can be who we want to!

  6. rebecca 2 years ago

    Hey ladies. I’m Rebecca and most nights in a night owl and awake til daylight. I’m always down for some late night girl talk. If anyone wants to chat please reply

  7. Laura Miller 2 years ago

    Love seeing my painted toes.

    • Mikki 2 years ago

      Me too. Dont get to all that often, but that rush is awesome.

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