Take me for example; if I would ever go to a crossdressers’ event, I would worry about not being able to fit in and feeling like an outcast. So, there’s a feeling that I would get shunned and ignored. That might not be true, but that is my fear and it’s this fear that I want to talk about today.
I don’t attempt to do a female impersonation or try to pass as a woman. I’m happy being me. For as long as I could remember, I’ve worn women’s clothing in some fashion or another. Plus, I always wear a big giant bushy beard and have a deep voice like Barry White.
I crossdress with a manly-look or mix with both genders of clothing together. I heard that look is called androgynous or a gender-bender. But to me that is just me being me and has always been me. I don’t need a label to define me; I know who I am. I am a human and that all that matters, or at least it should.
So why do I have these fears, when I know I am comfortable in who I am. It could be that I’m not as comfortable as I thought I was. Maybe I am overthinking this whole thing. You’d think I would know myself better than this. If you asked me why I have this fear, I couldn’t give you a straight answer. I would make something up or completely avoid it like a bad politician.
So how does one get over this fear? I must first learn to embrace it. Just as I did when I came to terms with my crossdressing.
I ask myself what is fear? Fear is a form of anxiety. The anxiety comes from avoidance and avoidance tends to generalize over time. If I avoid the elevator at work I will soon begin to avoid all elevators, and then all buildings that house elevators, etcetera. Soon enough, I will be living in a prison of avoidance. Do I really want to live that way?
Moreover, when you and I avoid something that scares us we tend to experience a sense of failure. Every time we avoid the feared object or situation our anxiety gains strength and we accumulate another experience of failure and another piece of evidence attesting to our weakness. Finally, avoidance eliminates practice. Without practice it’s difficult to gain mastery. Without mastery our confidence is less likely to increase.
So, avoiding anxiety only maintains and magnifies it. To get rid of our anxiety we should instead capitalize on it. In other words, it entails that we should face our fears or our demons.
Exposure to our fear also seems counterintuitive, just as many truths are counterintuitive (think about the fact that we’re residing on a ball floating in infinite space). Exposure scares people, but scary things are not necessarily dangerous (think roller coasters, horror films). Exposure is scary primarily because most people (lacking an understanding of the repeating principle) expect their fear to escalate indefinitely in the presence of a feared object or situation. In my case, attending a CD event. But nothing rises indefinitely. And fear, if I face it, will soon begin to subside as I deal with and then move past it.
So, my biggest fear is fear itself. I believe that someone famous said that.
I’m betting there are a few others out there with the same fears as me. Writing this is my first step to overcoming my fear, and soon I will be at a CD event and be comfortable being there without the fear or worries of rejection. That’s when I’ll know that I have come full circle and achieved peace within myself, 100%.
All it takes is one foot in front of the other, gets you though the door…
Editor’s note: (The cover photo is not the author’s but a stock photo)
I figure a Q & A bio would a good idea. So without any farther delay. Here we go.
1) Are you a panty-only cross-dresser, or do you wear more than that, like bra and nylons, etc?
I wear panties (Full-time), nylons(nylons are from time to time & not an everyday thing), leggings, really love skirts, nightgowns, camisoles, jeans and a few other things.
I'm not a fan of most female tops. The tops are not manly enough for me. And I hate the bra. I wouldn't be caught dead in one. They are a torture device that S.O.B had to be invented by a man. Trust me, I tried wearing a bra a few times. I just don't like them.
2) Do you feel you have to sneak doing this behind your wife, girlfriends, or parents back because she/they are unaccepting of it ...or is she/they OK with it, and you don't have to hide it?
When I was with my first girlfriend, I never hid it. It was her idea for me to crossdress. (I'll explain more on below)
Now after her, I went into denial and hid the fact I wore. I went from being comfortable to having a fear. This was my binge and dump stage.
Now let's jump ahead a decade plus add a few years. This is the time I developed "I don't care what others think of me " stage.
Today i never hide the fact I wear women's clothes. As a matter of a fact it was a girl that got me interested in crossdressing. Yes that is very true.
3) Do you feel like you are a girl living in a boys body or do you feel like a guy that gets turned on by wearing girls lingerie or more?
Nope, I'm a straight with bi-sexual tendencies man 110% all the time. I love my big beard and hairy chest. I am man hear me roar.
4) At what age where you when you first discovered your gender identity realization and/or your cross-dressing desires?
When I was 9 and that was a little wearing here and there., but that faded out by middle school. Then when I was 18 and I meet my first girlfriend. To make a long story short. She would not have sex with me unless I wore, and I was a virgin and wanted sex, so I wore it. It was her fetish that became mine and that fetish invokes a lifestyle change over the years. (For more information on this. Just ask me for more information on this.
5) Did you see something in porn, or in real life, that first made you curious about trying cross-dressing? ...what was it?
I did it for a girl, so I can have sex See above question
6) Are you "passable" (meaning you look like a girl when you are dressed like one and all made up), or not so much?
Am I passable? Hell no. I would make a butch lesbian look more feminine than me.
7) Do you use just female clothing only or do you also wear a wig and breast forms?
Just clothes. I'm a man and happy looking like a man. Just call me the modern Maxwell Q. Klinger. That guy from the television show M.A.S.H. (You younger folks, look up the television show and you'll get the reference)
8) Is the dressing up part as far as you go, or are you also doing breast hormone treatments, or more?
Clothes only. I just really like the designs of women's clothing. So I wear what I like.
9) Do you cross dress everyday or only on occasion?
Every freaking day. I am a true gender bender. I love to blend masculine with feminine
10) OTHER - Add, and answer, something that I may have missed
What I would love to see is masculine dresses and gowns for men. Like take a 3-piece suit with a tie and combine an evening gown to it. That way I could have women's high heels or mens dress shoes. Depending on my mood.
Some dresses are way too freaking girly for me
Oh, one more thing before I go. I just love my nails painted, and I have a nickname. Some call me the Crossdressing Farmer. Yep, that's right I'm a farmer on top of it.
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My story is probably like many of you that have gone before me. I have been cross dressing off and on since I was 12. I got married and had a son doing what is normal for a guy, but even though I suppressed my feelings for dressing, they were always there. I would dress when I wa...
Hiya Hippie. I can admire you just wanting to be you. That you are happy dressed in feminine clothes and having a full beard at first sounded weird to me, just like the utube video I saw once with a guy dressed as a bride with full beard. I myself want to present fully as female and be treated as one when doing so. After reading your Bio you seem pretty confident in yourself and happy to be who you are. I would be happy to visit with you in a coffee shop and visiting for a few minutes or… Read more »
Yeah, I would say my outlook is very interesting. I differently don’t fit in a any kind of standard mold and I like it like that.
Hippie
Nicky D
4 years ago
hi Hippie, it cool to find some who also like to wear feminine clothes and still rock a beard.I also feel like I don’t fit in the world of crossdressing because l don’t want to “pass”. I just like to be me but wear feminine outfits mixed with masculine clothing like “ gender bender” style. Thanks for putting yourself out there so people like me know there is other people like us out there.
Thank you! I can’t imagine feeling comfortable in just about any “community" myself and lately I’ve been coming to terms with feeling comfortable just dressing and maybe wearing makeup with no hopes of passing, even keeping the excessive hair I have all over the place. I think there’s more hope of that being accepted by my loved ones than anything else, even if it’s actually *less* accepted than anything else. I am really happy to see content like this here, so again, thank you so much.
Boy I could write a book on my excessive hair being all over the place. I grew up with the life of an old TV show called Leave It To Beaver. That TV was my life growing up. My hair always have to be neat and trimmed and, always to get a haircut once a month. Then about sometime in my mid 20s, I decided to grow out my hair and since I never had long hair as a child. I had no clue and to take care of it or anything. Just faked it till I made it and… Read more »
Funny thing is it was the opposite for me. I had long hair at several points growing up. Cut it short when I was 16 and it’s never been very long since. I’ve wanted to at times and when I was 24 everyone in my band had long hair and I tried to join them, but the transition period drove me insane. I’m like that with my nails too. I felt like I was letting them down when I cut it, but the percussionist was going bald and wisely ended up shaving his head pretty soon.
very lovely flower tights, nothing like wearing what you like to wear and no matter what people think. so let them, we are human and just showing our fem side. woman dress in men clothing. so we can dress in female clothing
Being “Different" is & always has been “Difficult" (to say the least)–because there will always be people who Demand Conformity –I’ve lived in Small towns/Rural areas when if you didn’t attend church your discriminated against (not because of race or color) but because you were Different–You don’t fit Their ideals of how to behave–I’m considered “Valuable" at work However–they would let me go in a heartbeat If they found out about my crossdressing–How dare I be Different–
Know just what you’re talking about. I live in a very Rural area and deal with your talking about daily. I hear all the time “They can’t fire you or discriminate against you" Yeah right, I say. They can find any loophole they can to get rid of you. That’s one of the main reason for me trying to blend in with the gender bending. It’s pushing it, without pushing it to far, still allows me to dress somewhat feminine. If you catch my drift. These are also the same people that I want to buy my products, and I… Read more »
I haven’t had much to say on this site because not only do I dress unconventionally by “normal" standards but even by the standards of the crossdressing community here on CDH. But now I see that I’m not the only one. So I felt I had to comment if only to let you know that you’re not the only one either. (I don’t think you care if you are or not but still, you posted your story for some reason.) I will admit that I’m kind of a “stealth" crossdresser. Unless you looked closely, (and, unless you’re a celebrity or… Read more »
I agree whole heartily. I know your fears and confusion. You have come a long way , in life. You are dealing with you’re Demons and learning to fly. I love you and am Proud to say I am your wife. I love you Hippie
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Hiya Hippie. I can admire you just wanting to be you. That you are happy dressed in feminine clothes and having a full beard at first sounded weird to me, just like the utube video I saw once with a guy dressed as a bride with full beard. I myself want to present fully as female and be treated as one when doing so. After reading your Bio you seem pretty confident in yourself and happy to be who you are. I would be happy to visit with you in a coffee shop and visiting for a few minutes or… Read more »
Yeah, I would say my outlook is very interesting. I differently don’t fit in a any kind of standard mold and I like it like that.
Hippie
hi Hippie, it cool to find some who also like to wear feminine clothes and still rock a beard.I also feel like I don’t fit in the world of crossdressing because l don’t want to “pass”. I just like to be me but wear feminine outfits mixed with masculine clothing like “ gender bender” style. Thanks for putting yourself out there so people like me know there is other people like us out there.
Yeah, I never cared for the whole look like a dame thing. But I sure do love the clothes and I’m just fine with that.
Thank you! I can’t imagine feeling comfortable in just about any “community" myself and lately I’ve been coming to terms with feeling comfortable just dressing and maybe wearing makeup with no hopes of passing, even keeping the excessive hair I have all over the place. I think there’s more hope of that being accepted by my loved ones than anything else, even if it’s actually *less* accepted than anything else. I am really happy to see content like this here, so again, thank you so much.
Hearts and rainbows,
Chris
Boy I could write a book on my excessive hair being all over the place. I grew up with the life of an old TV show called Leave It To Beaver. That TV was my life growing up. My hair always have to be neat and trimmed and, always to get a haircut once a month. Then about sometime in my mid 20s, I decided to grow out my hair and since I never had long hair as a child. I had no clue and to take care of it or anything. Just faked it till I made it and… Read more »
Funny thing is it was the opposite for me. I had long hair at several points growing up. Cut it short when I was 16 and it’s never been very long since. I’ve wanted to at times and when I was 24 everyone in my band had long hair and I tried to join them, but the transition period drove me insane. I’m like that with my nails too. I felt like I was letting them down when I cut it, but the percussionist was going bald and wisely ended up shaving his head pretty soon.
Hey darling, well written. We all just want to be able to be ourselves, no matter what level we are at in our journey. Huggs
very lovely flower tights, nothing like wearing what you like to wear and no matter what people think. so let them, we are human and just showing our fem side. woman dress in men clothing. so we can dress in female clothing
I so agree
Being “Different" is & always has been “Difficult" (to say the least)–because there will always be people who Demand Conformity –I’ve lived in Small towns/Rural areas when if you didn’t attend church your discriminated against (not because of race or color) but because you were Different–You don’t fit Their ideals of how to behave–I’m considered “Valuable" at work However–they would let me go in a heartbeat If they found out about my crossdressing–How dare I be Different–
Know just what you’re talking about. I live in a very Rural area and deal with your talking about daily. I hear all the time “They can’t fire you or discriminate against you" Yeah right, I say. They can find any loophole they can to get rid of you. That’s one of the main reason for me trying to blend in with the gender bending. It’s pushing it, without pushing it to far, still allows me to dress somewhat feminine. If you catch my drift. These are also the same people that I want to buy my products, and I… Read more »
I haven’t had much to say on this site because not only do I dress unconventionally by “normal" standards but even by the standards of the crossdressing community here on CDH. But now I see that I’m not the only one. So I felt I had to comment if only to let you know that you’re not the only one either. (I don’t think you care if you are or not but still, you posted your story for some reason.) I will admit that I’m kind of a “stealth" crossdresser. Unless you looked closely, (and, unless you’re a celebrity or… Read more »
Heart felt and I hear you. Why poke a stick at the honets nest, only to get stung?
Very well written. We all need to overcome our fears, or they will eat us alive.
I agree whole heartily. I know your fears and confusion. You have come a long way , in life. You are dealing with you’re Demons and learning to fly. I love you and am Proud to say I am your wife. I love you Hippie
Dress every day. Panties Bra stockings or leggings. And my breast forms