What can I mean?  We all think about or dream about trying to come out, don’t we?

Several opportunities came together recently that made it possible for me to do something for the first time.  Although I’ve had multiple occasions to be out and about, they were all very anonymous.  There was nothing out of the ordinary–driving, getting gas, walking outdoors, and going through a drive-thru.  But just recently, I got very, very brave and decided to try something completely different.

My wife and I had recently purchased a dual power recliner-you know the ones.  After a couple of weeks, one side (mine) quit working.  We called the store from where we bought it and they agreed to send out a repairman to fix it.  As it turns out, they were coming on a Friday, which is the one day I usually get time alone to dress, since I’m still in the closet where my wife is concerned.  Bummer!

Juyo Vonsan

But wait a minute.  What if I dressed anyway?  This repairman doesn’t know me, know my wife, or really know anything about us. The chance that I’d ever see him again isn’t very likely.   I enjoyed imagining his face and his reaction on his arrival.  So now I agonize over this idea, thinking about what could go wrong and what if any possible repercussions may occur.  There is certainly some risk, but the idea is so enticing that I find it easy to dismiss those concerns.  I’ve made up my mind.  I’m going to do it!

Friday arrives, and due her knee problems my wife asks me to drive her to work.  This is both good and bad.  She won’t be able to come home early, but now I will be pressed to be properly ready for the repairman.  Can I still make this work?  We’ll see! Off we go to get her to the office, and I race back home to finish dressing.  I’m already partially underdressed, and I have discreetly laid out my chosen outfit at home to save time.  This consists of white skinny jeans, a shell pink cami, and a coral red long sleeve cotton blouse (by the way, there’s a picture from that day on my page.)  I also have my blue 2″ block heel loafers and some color-coordinated jewelry set out.  I add a little padding to make my jeans look better.  But to do this right, I also need to do my makeup!

Although I’ve been practicing, this can be a slow process for me to get it right.  Today, I’m 15 minutes from start to finish—a new record! I race to my dressing room, add my forms, throw on my outfit, and start fastening my jewelry.  He’s due any minute!  A quick brush of my wig, slide it on my head, and sure enough the doorbell rings.  I slide my feet into my shoes, take a quick check in the mirror, and I’m off to answer the door.

Now I must confess; I’m having second thoughts at this point.  Is this really a good idea?  Probably not, but I feel committed to seeing it through. I open to door and there’s a youngish man standing there in his store-labeled work shirt. He says, “Hi, I’m Steve from_______.  You must be D____(my wife’s name).”

I kind of expected some hesitation or maybe embarrassment on his part under the circumstances, but no, not a moment of surprise or uncertainty from Steve.  I, on the other hand, laugh from relief at being mistaken for my wife.  I had to stifle that laugh, could he really misidentify me as female?  Unlike many of you beautiful ladies, I couldn’t believe that being this close would convince anyone to truly think I’m a woman.  First of all, I’m about 6’3″ barefoot, and now I’m wearing 2″ heels.  Nevertheless, I correct him with, “No, I’m Brenda, won’t you come in?”

From there, Steve is the perfect example of providing great customer service. He asks me about the issue, tells me he’s pretty sure how to fix it, and gets to work.  As he’s doing this, I remember my wife also asked me to see if there’s anything he can do about a spring noise she sometimes hears. Once he fixed the recliner malfunction, he asks me to show him what I mean, which I do by sitting (very daintily) on the seat so he can hear the gentle sprung sound.

Keep in mind, we have been conversing all along, him telling me about similar issues from this manufacturer and making polite comments about our furniture and decor.  I’m thanking him for his kind compliments and trying to show interest in the work being doing.  Any invisible observer would find the whole interaction to be typical. I have completely settled into the role of a housewife dealing with a minor issue.  It’s hard to convey how normal this entire time felt.  I don’t know Steve’s mind or what his experiences have been, but without hesitation he treated me as a woman in the most natural and polite manner possible. And in doing so, he gave me a gift beyond price, and one that I will remember and cherish for the rest of my days.

Juyo Vonsan

As he thanks me for my business and starts to leave, I ask him to wait a moment while I get my purse. I quickly grab a $20 off my dresser and put it in the purse. I then take it back out and hand it to him, thanking him for his great service.  After a polite back and forth, he accepts the $20 and leaves, saying in the process, “Have a great day, ma’am. Let me know if that gives you any more trouble.”

I close the door; take a huge sigh of contented relief, and the smile on my face just grows and grows.  I couldn’t have imagined that morning going any better than it did.  My confidence got me through it and is now infinitely greater than before.  It doesn’t matter whether Steve marked me or not. Whether it was just his composure, my presentation, or some combination of the two, I was left feeling totally vindicated with the risk I’d taken and the decision I’d made to be this me for the occasion.

To me, there’s something special about not just being an anonymous woman/CD out in public somewhere where I can ignore the glances, the stares, and the whispered asides. To welcome a completely unknown person into my home, even though the situation is somewhat controlled, and then be treated as the woman I feel myself to be has opened up a whole new level of confidence in me.

I have been inching out, testing myself and my presentation into where the world can see me, at least that little bit I can allow myself to show.  I have yet to have any negative reactions or comments. I went one step further and brought the world into my private space.  There are many of you that have outed yourselves to others–at home, at work, socially, and professionally.  But for this girl, who has only peeked out of the closet, who is even in the closet with her wife, it was a monumental event.  I opened that closet door, and for the first time invited someone in.

Juyo Vonsan

So that should be the finish of this article, right?  Well not so fast! After that confidence boost, where would that feeling take me?  Keep an eye out for part II of, “My First Time…In?”

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Brenda Parkhurst

I’m late sixties, over 6 feet, and not out. But, the urge to be at least a little out prompted joining this community.

Latest posts by Brenda Parkhurst (see all)

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Harietta (@harietta)
8 months ago

You should buy a lottery ticket. Or maybe not. The odds of this going either way, at the moment of “impact” or in the future. I mean moderately well, or seriously bad.
There are far too many bad outcomes for dressers in the headlines.
This time it worked out. Should have bought a scratch ‘n win instead.
When we venture out we should be ultra careful and step out or in to known, predicable and…..ultimately safe situations…..
No different than real girls.

Active Member
Char (@charee)
8 months ago

Beautiful Brenda; we start out in a very small play pen. As our ability to provide ourselves safe expansion and right conditions for our emergence, our confidence and courage grow. Our light shines brighter and the world is a better place as others give themselves permission to emerge..

I’m proud of you my friend 🙂
n huggles

Alexis "Lexi" Moon
Active Member
Alexis "Lexi" Moon (@alexismoongirl)
8 months ago

Wow! That is brave – I envy that you were able to pull this off. Cheers!

Lynda Charles
Lynda Charles (@pie)
8 months ago

just had a similar experience that I think I owe to all of you ladies. I have conquered the fear of shopping for my clothes many years back. So I have no trouble shopping and selecting appropriate clothing, undergarments, jewelry, etc. Very rarely do I get “the look”. So yesterday I was returning a pair of jeggings and a sweater that were both one size to big. After returning my items, I went shopping to replace what I’d just returned. What I ended up with was two sweaters, two pair of jeggings and a pack of panties. Going through the… Read more »

Rose Turner
8 months ago

So when are you going Out? You know how thrilling it is in. It’s 10 to 100 times as great going out. Try it you’ll LOVE it. Do you have any dresses or skirts? Wear them, OUT, you’ll love the experience. Being in a dress as a girl out and about is the most thrilling thing you’ll ever do in your life. Don’t forget to use the ladies room.

Rose Turner
8 months ago

Good luck. I’ve been trying to find that for a few years now. Where do you live?

Rose Turner
8 months ago

Long way away. I can’t help. But, good luck and tell me what you find out.

Ellen Diane
Ellen Diane (@putridreality)
8 months ago

What a fantastic experience! I can only wish I had half the confidence of all the wonderful ladies on this site. I’m truly happy for you.

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