“You’re not a girl, but you are girly,” said my wife. I looked up from my crossword, puzzled about what had motivated her comment. She was pointing at my legs. In accordance with our negotiated rules, I wore guy clothes in front of her, but I had absentmindedly double-crossed my legs, one foot neatly tucked behind the other ankle. They’d been freshly shaved that morning. The tone of her voice and smile told me she meant well. She has warned me in public when I have not behaved strictly as a guy would. I need to pay closer attention.
Coming out as a crossdresser would end my employment. Whatever the laws may say, the people I serve are not ready for one. And I work at the pleasure of those people. I can state that it has been a joy to witness how quickly acceptance of our community has increased—in general—but without any doubt, I cannot count on it in my own circumstance.
My wife is supportive. She prefers not to see me dressed but when by chance it happens she doesn’t complain. She has even complimented my outfits. On every birthday she gives me a new charm for my bracelet. She gets me cosmetics, cleansers, and lotions. She fears, perhaps even more than I, the repercussions for all of us if my girly side were to become public. So, we have set firm boundaries. They help to ease her concerns while keeping me safer. For both of those reasons, I am happy we had that conversation. I highly recommend the same for any sister with a significant other. I am not telling anybody they have to make the same choices, only to have the talk.
I wear panties every day. In cooler weather, when I wear sweaters over my button-downs, I add a sports bra. When my wife starts her journey home from her weekly visits to our daughter, she texts me so I may know when to go drab. We have other boundaries in place for my home life. The rules negotiated for my public crossdressing are more important—and inviolable. If I leave the house dressed, I am not to wear my wig or anything obviously feminine that anybody might see until I have gotten out of town. Only then do I pull into a country lane and finish my preparation.
I took the picture submitted with this article using a Snapchat female filter. It improves my facial appearance, but the wig is mine and from the Adam’s apple down it is how I really look. As my wife has also said, “If they don’t get a good look at your face they could watch you all day and think, That’s a tall woman.” When dressed, my mannerisms and my voice are so feminine that I’ve come to think of them as being second nature. Truthfully, I have known for years they are really part of the one, unified me.
I travel to faraway stores and parks. I’ve even worn my one-piece to a beach and sat on a towel as I read. I attract the occasional double-take, but for the most part, I just do my thing without being troubled. Last week, wearing a pretty sky-blue top over white shorts and sandals, I drove down the interstate. On the spur of the moment, I pulled into a rest area. I sat at a table in a shelter away from the main buildings and pulled my phone out of my purse. I got a little too involved in social media. A trucker came up on my blind side. I heard his footsteps. I turned my head away, stashed my phone, and got up to leave. He exclaimed, “Hey, don’t go!”
As I speed-walked away, my hips wiggling a bit more than usual, and my heart racing, I thought of what women have to deal with on a daily basis. It makes me both angry and sad; I try hard not to be one of those men. But honestly, this encounter was so affirming for me. It made my day. Alas, I had to climb in my car, stop in the lane, take off my wig, pull on a sweatshirt, and drive into the garage. The door closed on that part of me once again. This is the life my wife and I have chosen, and while it is not everything I wish, I am willing to pay the price to keep living it.
It’s good you and your wife have communicated and have your boundaries 🙂 While I know it’s not ideal, but, better than hiding! 🙂
I am SO much happier now. Setting those limits actually has freed me to be Moira more often.
It sounds like you have a reasonable situation there. As you say, not ideal, but certainly something you and your wife can live with for some time. That’s wonderful the trucker took you for someone he’d like to meet! I’m sure I would have done the same thing as you, get out of there as fast my little bum can take me! My wife is extremely supportive, but we have an adult child of ours still at home, well he moved back in as his education got interrupted by the pandemic. Though she doesn’t mind seeing me dressed, she takes… Read more »
Yeah, my limits were much more restrictive until our kids flew the coop. But our wives sound equally wonderful.
Nice Story Moria, Good that you and your wife have set limitations, be grateful for what you have is all I will say.
I am. And I’m very sorry for the implied lack of support in your case!
You are lucky that the wife supports you as she does. You look great too.
Yes I am and thank you!
Moore, thank you for sharing your situation. You are blessed to have a wife as accepting as she is. She is blessed to have a husband who doesn’t demand more. You both have worked out the reality of CDing in your marriage superbly IMHO.
What’s beautiful about the situation is that there is much more possibility for expanded expression of yourself with the openness you have than if you were totally closeted.
You grow girl.
Kindly,
Charlene
The rules are flexible over time. That is, as she and I continue to earn trust I do get the chance for “expanded expression". Very perceptive of you.
Hi Moira Thank you for sharing your story I sounds like a very workable plan. I believe most cross dressers could work with those parimeters if they would expect to maintain a marriage Sounds like your wife is very reasonable in her trying to work with your needs She is at the very least very honest with you and really can ask more than honesty from her.My wife was always concerned about me being out in public not only because someone we know may notice but also for my safety. Who knows all the crazy’s are out there who may… Read more »
Yes there are crazies. But we are ok with my going out in public largely because I am fit and trained in Mui Thai. That’s a relic of a whole other chapter of our lives but I remember enough to have confidence in most situations.
I’m glad you and your wife are at such a good place. In any relationship, we never get everything we want, but being able to work together is what makes relationships worthwhile. Thanks for sharing your story, and your strategy.
This sounds like a proper relationship compromise, marriages do take work. Hopefully one day you can be more ‘out’ though, for your sake.
— Abbie
D’ya know, though, I am finding that dressing as a woman of my age and place in life would while at home is becoming increasingly satisfying too. I am thankful for all that.
Moira, Sounds like a very good compromise and system you have. My wife and I have similar, implied for now, not explicitly stated. Absolutely no leaving the house crossdressed, but I am able to underdress as much as I like and keep my legs and chest shaved and my toe nails painted so long as no one else besides my wife can see. I am happy to abide by limitations that allow me some freedom to be me when I can. As time goes on, I am hoping to expand on my boundaries slowly. My wife knows it makes me… Read more »
My wife has said, “Moira is less surly than (insert guy name here)." And I’ve said, “Both of those people are me, and I am both." This is a thing I might explore if I write again.
You are so fortunate to have a wife that is somewhat supportive. You look fabulous by the way, great smile. My wife throws a fit if she finds that I’ve gone out dressed. I personally I think I pass very well. If you keep your outfit conservative keep your feminine demeanor going be kind to everyone, I’ve found a lot of acceptance out in the community. I probably would have at least had a little conversation with the trucker then skedaddle out of there.
Appropriate outfits and demeanor really are the key. People reading these comments may think I’m making things up but earlier I commented on my having been trained in a martial art. In that same phase of my life I was also trained on certain ways of moving through the world. There is an adage in that community: “Give them what they expect to see and they won’t look twice."
Thanks Moira that is very sage advice. I was scared to death the first time going out into the community so I just went along doing my errands the same as if I were in drab then it came time to go inside a store OMG I sat in the car for quite a while screwing up my courage watching the other women and after a bit I decided that I looked better and was dressed better than most of them and haven’t looked back since. I absolutely love going shopping dressed and don’t even hesitate now.
I think all of us have experienced that moment in the car!