Splitting with my wife over crossdressing

Recently, my wife (of 24 years) and I have been arguing a lot about my cross dressing. I know she can not stand it at all, and I have told her that as many times as I have tried, I can not stop dressing. She has had me purge many other times when she has caught me secretly dressing, and this time I won’t purge it. I don’t think the purging is the issue though, I think the fact that she found a photo of me in one of her dresses is really pissing her off. I personally think I looked better in it than she does, and that is probably one of the reasons why she is so mad. The photo I attached is of me in that dress, although you can only see the top of it.

Now, every time she gets, she throws it in my face and makes derogatory comments about it. I try to ignore them, but the more I do, the madder I get until I explode. Once she gets me good and mad, then she brings up other topics that we disagree about, and she knows she can get her way on the other things.

I am at a loss about what to do. Any advice that anyone has would be greatly appreciated.

Hugs to all.
Bobbi Anne

Ed: Bobbi, thank you for sharing my dear, my heart goes out to you and the pain you’re in. I know that many members have had rough experiences coming out to their loved ones, and balancing who they are inside with who they are expected to be. Please ladies, if you have any advice, guidance or encouragement for Bobbi, share it in the comments below.

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Bobbi Anne Rox

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  1. Kerry 1 year ago

    Hi Bobbi Anne

    So the way i see it is if she is allwed time in hairdressers,gym,shopping or for hobbies then you also are..
    Crossdressing is just a stick to beat you with. A relationship is 50/50 as is a fight. So she doesnt need help as she is normal ? ( with anger issues )
    You need help because u crossdress ( which isnt normal to her ) ?

    Think both of you need help with anger issues first because kids pick up on that also( not healthy)
    Yes we all have rows and issues as no marraige or relationship is perfect and that is why we emjoy the ride because its unpredictable.
    Im writing this sitting beside my 49 year old partner in hospital dying from cancer and yes she knew about xdresing and said dress away i dont mind but i never crossed the boundary. It was my thing not hers. Yea we fought hard and all women throw issues as they fight with their mouth and men with violence usually.
    Its learning to rise above the issues that makes them stop being just that.( bigger person syndrom)
    Anyway where i am now i would change a lot but change nothing also
    Every fight is 50/50 blame as a fight cant happen without bothside taking part.
    Good luck with future and if the maraige is good i hope you save it but remember a rock is only as solid as the ground it rests on

  2. Robert Eres 2 years ago

    Hi Bobbi Anne

    I am also Bobbi. I am married and have 3 wonderful sons. My wife cannot accept my crossdressing either. We’ve been married for 27 years now, been separated on and off. Now, I live in our home and we are trying to raise our 7 year old. I have my own bedroom, as our sex life has completely diminished. I stay because when I was 6, my parents went through an ugly divorce. I do not want my little boy to not have his father around.

    Anyways, when I want to dress up, I have to take a day off from work. I do not dress in front of my family. My feminine side has to come out and play every now and then. My wife and I do not talk about it, I do not like those heated discussions. She might be accepting it more now because she does not confront me anymore about my crossdressing. I’m not hurting anyone, I just love to be the woman inside me. I hope you and I can chat sometime and share experiences. Thank you.

    Bobbi

  3. Holly Morris 2 years ago

    Bobbi Anne,

    You’ve been given a lot of great advice by many of our sisters here. If I may, I’d like to add a little more based on my own personal experiences.

    I didn’t tell my wife until we had been married for more than 25 years. Of course it came as a huge shock to her to find out that her husband, the real man she thought she married had been carrying a secret inside for decades that I had never shared with her. The fact that it was crossdressing, which, let’s face it, is not a readily accepted addiction (not like drugs, or porn, or something “normal” like that) made it even worse.

    We went through hell as we came to terms with the fact that there was a part of me that I had kept from her for so long. That was one of the most painful aspects of coming out to her, the fact that I had been keeping secrets from her. I also laid it completely on the line though when I came out and told her absolutely everything – the good and the bad. I told her how I had tried to stop, how I’ve gone to counseling, how I’ve binged and purged, the pain I have felt as I have lived with this part of me that truthfully, I don’t understand and never will. I also provided her with a lot of research on the subject of crossdressing that I had read over the decades, so that she could see that I was not some sort of isolated pervert, I was just a man with a strange part of his character and makeup. Also, I then let her dictate what the terms of my crossdressing would be. Whether she wanted to see it (no), whether she wanted to participate in it (no), whether she would give me space if I needed it (yes), whether she wanted to talk about it (it depends), etc. Basically, although I know that crossdressing is a huge part of my life and who I am, I made the decision to not throw it in her face.

    In our case too, both of us loved each other fiercely and both were committed to making our marriage last and stay together, no matter what, so we both worked (and still continue to work to this day) to be open and honest with each other. That’s the best thing that came out of this for me, I no longer had to hide anything, so I could now be more emotional, I could now cry at silly movies, I could now tell her that I liked a certain dress on a woman. She realizes that as a crossdresser, I do have some emotional and psychological makeup similar to that of a female, which also made it easier for her to understand a lot of my past actions. She realized that since I was trying so hard to hide my crossdressing from her, that I would overcompensate and try to act super-macho (in effect, I was a real ass**** at times), so my opening up and coming out to her, totally and completely and honestly, was the best thing for us.

    She still doesn’t like my crossdressing, but at least now she seems to have a better understanding of some of the things that motivate me. As I said, I don’t understand why I’m this way, so trying to explain it to her and make her understand it is highly unlikely. The best we can do is to try and be honest without hurting our wives. After all, they didn’t marry us because they were lesbians, so finding out that there is in effect another woman as part of the marriage has got to be unsettling to them, or even downright scary. How they react to it ranges all across the map, but we can’t understand that and never will, just like they can’t understand us.

    So my suggestion and hope for you is that you and your wife are able to talk openly and honestly and come to some understanding that works for you. Every one of us is different, so our situations and how they are resolved will be different.

    Hugs,

    Holly

    • Grace 1 year ago

      Holly,
      It is amazing that your experience is so similar to mine and that there are others out there that are like me. I only wish that my wife would loosen the strings to allow me to go to a CD meet up that are held in Washington DC. She knows I dress and that is what I do in my girl cave but still won’t accept it nor let me out of the house . I can look good and so ties very sexy and I would love to hook up with another CD so maybe it’s better that I am on a tight leash:(

  4. Simone 2 years ago

    Hi Bobbi Anne,

    So sorry to hear about your problems. Like you, I was married to a woman that tolerated my cross dressing after I told her about it approximately 8 years into the marriage. We agreed to go to counselling as she was finding it more difficult to deal with. During the counselling, it turned out that there was no way I could continue so I agreed to stop and got rid of all my stuff. We stayed together for another two years and, even though I didn’t cross dress during that time, she was constantly throwing it in my face and we argued constantly. After those two years, we sadly separated. I met another partner not long after and made sure she knew all about my dressing (now that was an awkward conversation!) but she was happy that I’d told her and we’ve been together for over 8 years now. She’s incredibly supportive and I dress around the house most weekends and we also go to clubs etc together. But, I never borrow her clothes or jewellery without asking first!
    I really hope you work it out together but, if you sadly don’t, I just wanted to let you know that things can get better once a marriage has ended.

    Love,

    Simone xxx

  5. Christine 2 years ago

    I too have issues with my spouse over my cross dressing. We have been married over 40 yrs. I started when I was a teen but never had the opportunities to delve into it deeper until later in life. When I finally got on the internet and found out how many others there are that are cross dressers I though I had a solution to my years of thinking I was so alone. I decided to tell my wife about my desires several years ago, backed with some information I printed from the internet. It backfired , she called me names said I married her to cover this up and didn’t talk to me for several says. Long story short, she knows I have a lot of clothes and where I keep them we haven’t brought it up for several years and she doesn’t want to see me or pictures of me dressed. The fact I have my own clothes and don’t use hers may be a factor in my case but I don’t know as I still don’t want to bring it up to her. I dress on any occasion i’m home alone but I want to take it step up and go to a place that accepts us cross dressers and have some fun as my female half with others and talk to them. I guess you could say i’m caught In the middle.

  6. Vanessa Test Account 2 years ago

    Test

  7. Tasi Zuriack 2 years ago

    Bobbie Ann, Aside from the obvious already discussed item of never taking any of a wife’s things, and that includes jewelry as well, you might want to read this article by Pandora on Sister House http://www.sisterhouse.net/familyroom/2013/11/10/how-your-crossdressing-changes-your-wifes-opinion-of-you/#post-615 and then the article by Terri Lee Ryan on the 10 reasons wives divorce their CD husbands. Her statement that it is your problem, not her problem is all telling and not good. The cat is out of the bag so there is no hiding the fact that you crossdress, but try and make it as invisible as possible to her. Suggest telling her there are times when you have to play with your hobby, and yes I know it’s not a hobby, but this is a way for her to accept what she doesn’t like. If you want to reduce the friction, then don’t rise to the bait. Hugs…Tasi

  8. Sheila Tampa 2 years ago

    Dear Bobbi Anne,

    I’m sorry for the pain both you and your wife are feeling concerning your crossdressing. Full disclosure: I have never been married or lived with a woman. Many wives or girlfriends that are unaccepting of their man’s crossdressing have two big fears … 1) is he gay?; 2) does he want to transition to living as a woman 24/7? (including possible HRT [Hormone Replacement Therapy} and/or SRS [Sex Reassignment Surgery] ). Number 1 is simply ignorance that gender identity and sexual orientation are separate entities. Number 2 is not knowing whether her man is a crossdresser or transsexual. If number 2 is her larger fear, she may wonder if she would be a lesbian if she stayed married to a male living 24/7 as a woman.

    Another issue that could be upsetting your wife is that when she first fell in love with you, she was probably attracted to your “male-ness”, and her attraction to your masculinity (as is your attraction to her femininity) is key to the marriage.

    One last thought to consider … how would you feel if you were a non-crossdessing man, and your wife, after x number years of marriage, said she wanted to, at least occasionally, dress completely in men’s clothing (including underwear), comb her hair in a manly fashion, possibly wear a theatrical mustache or goatee, possibly pad something in the front of her man’s jockey shorts, and act as a man while presenting this way? Just food for thought.

    Anyway, I do feel for you and your wife, and hope you both can move on beyond the current contention on this issue, and be happy.

    Love,

    Sheila.

  9. Rachel Rose 2 years ago

    Bobbi Anne

    All I can think of after what all the others have said is your wife has been the only women in you life. Now Bobbi Anne is in your life’s now and she might feel were does she fit in. Make her feel that she is still the only women in your life, and that Bobbi Ann is a part of you. Try to convince her she is in no way to blame for your crossdressing.

    I hope you and your wife can work it out.

    Rachel

    • Author
      Bobbi Anne Rox 2 years ago

      Rachel,

      Thank you for your thoughts and well wishes. I have tried to convince her about not being to blame about the crossdressing, and she says she knows she is not the blame. She puts it all on me that it is a choice, which it is not.

      Thanks again for your thoughts.

      Hugs,
      Bobbi Anne

  10. Rosaliy Lynne 2 years ago

    Ya know, Bobbi,

    Everyone has given you good advice and mine won’t really vary much. There are two things that bother me about this whole matter though. Lets skip that you wore her dress without permission, hell even I have done that but never left any photo evidence about, The most disturbing thing to me, and a definite indication you both need to see a counselor, is that she first gets you mad and then brings out a laundry list of past things with which she is unhappy. I disagree with her because of this. She is not fine. You both have some issues to address and unchecked, you may very well end up splitting. Of course you could end up splitting anyway as I can’t see how a compromise could be worked out if she is UNWILLING to go to counseling with you.

    The other thing that disturbs me is her evident need to be in control and you essentially submissive to her will. This is not a healthy relationship as you describe it. Again, counseling for you both, together and separately, seems to be in order.

    You say you have been married for 24 years. A point of concern here is at what time did you come out to her as a crossdresser? Many spouses make the mistake of keeping it hidden for many years due to a fear of loss. This is probably the primary reason most of us stay in the closet to begin with. When it finally comes out, fear and anger based on lost trust for being deceived for so long is only natural. It can be very difficult to rebuild that trust BUT not impossible IF the two of you are willing to admit there is an issue and positively work toward solving it.

    I am not qualified to advise you in any other way but to seek professional help. I truly am sorry you are having such problems.

    • Author
      Bobbi Anne Rox 2 years ago

      Rosaliy Lynne,

      I am and always have been somewhat submissive by nature, and have pretty much through the entire marriage given and done what she has wanted to keep her happy. It has been that way with probably every girlfriend I have ever had before her too.

      As far as my crossdressing goes, I brought it up to her after about a year of marriage, trying to spice some things up in the bedroom, by coming to bed in a babydoll and a pair of panties (back then I was shaving my body do to cycling – I got into racing some, although I was never very good). We made glorious love that night, so I thought she was going to accept it, but the next morning she said she felt weird and didn’t want to do that again. I told her ok, and purged what little I had then for her. A few years later, I got the itch to start dressing again, getting caught again and forced to purge. Same happened a few years after that, and then when I started the current time before getting caught again, I have been dressing for about 8 years now without having to purge. She wants me to purge what I have, but this time I won’t.

      I am looking into counseling for myself, but she won’t go. I feel that I need to get my head on right whether we stay together or not. The crossdressing and the marriage are only part of what I want to get right in my head.

      Thank you for your thoughts.

      Hugs,
      Bobbi Anne

  11. skippy1965(Cynthia) 2 years ago

    Bobbi Anne-a few thoughts:
    1) agree that wearing her dress without permission was a boundaries issue and a valid complaint on her part
    2) agree that it can be very difficult for a spouse to accept the dressing- don’t know how I would handle it if I were in her shoes(full disclosure- am a closeted crossdresser exploring her options regarding gender issues who my end up going farther and possibly transition in the future–and my ex was neither accepting nor at all tolerant of my dressing)-i think the idea of sitting down and discussing and negotiating “rules/guidelines” to accommodate your need to express yourself and her desire to NOT see any of it –HOWEVER…
    3) the comments you made about “Now, every time she gets, she throws it in my face and makes derogatory comments about it. I try to ignore them, but the more I do, the madder I get until I explode. Once she gets me good and mad, then she brings up other topics that we disagree about, and she knows she can get her way on the other things.” troubles me! I t seems as though she s being very manipulative in getting her way which is concerning about how well she will stick to any agreement you may make regarding the guidelines! I would recommend seeing a marriage counselor about THAT behavior because it is not fair for one spouse to treat another that way about ANY issue much less one affecting your core identity.

    Those are just my thoughts-take them for what you will. Only you can know if the relationship is worth saving.

    Hugs,
    Cyn

    • Author
      Bobbi Anne Rox 2 years ago

      Cyn,

      Thank you so much for your thoughts. I have apologized many times now for wearing her dress without permission, and after the last blow up 2 nights ago, the dress is now mine according to her. She never wants to see it again.

      She also said she wants me go back to counseling, but says she still doesn’t need it as she thinks ‘normal’. I am looking to go back to counseling, as I need to get more than just my marriage and crossdressing right in my head. If it ends up that we split, I want to make sure I am on emotionally stable ground.

      Thanks again for your thoughts.

      Hugs,
      Bobbi Anne

  12. Katie Mueller 2 years ago

    Bobbi Anne I can relate somewhat to your situation. My wife is aware I dress and we have talked about it on several occasions but she wants nothing to do with my dressing. I don’t think I can add much to the comments from the other girls except one lesson I learned long ago living in a coed coliege dormitory and confirmed raising a daughter. Most women don’t lIke anyone wearing or using their stuff without her permission. Whether you looked better in the dress may be minor to the fact you borrowed it without asking. Respecting her space can be as important as respecting her opinion. I hope you can work things out.

    • Author
      Bobbi Anne Rox 2 years ago

      Katie,

      Thank you. I never thought of that angle of looking at it. I did wear that dress without her permission (obviously… LOL), and I know I wouldn’t want her wearing my stuff if she ever wanted to. I will see what giving a heartfelt apology for wearing it without her permission does and the promise not to wear anything that belongs to her again.

      Thank you again for your advice,
      Bobbi Anne

  13. Tracey Rose 2 years ago

    Hi Bobbi Anne. I am so sorry that you are going through all this. Everyone goes through different journeys. Mine has been no less complicated.

    Something to remember when it comes down to it too is;

    It is something it took me a long time to realise after years of being there for everyone and having to push my inner female aside constantly.

    You are important. You are a good person. You do deserve to be able to have time to yourself and enjoy life the way you see it.

    Please remember to think of yourself and communicate your needs while caring about your responsibilies to your wife.

    I send you my absolute love and caring for your struggle.

    Best wishes,
    Tracey x

    • Author
      Bobbi Anne Rox 2 years ago

      Tracey,

      Thank you so much for the kind words, and the love you send. You have been a very supportive friend and I have loved chatting with you in the chat rooms. I try to get the time to myself sometimes, but she makes it so hard. She knows that when I get that time what I want to do, so she tries to make sure I don’t get the time. We really look like we are headed towards splitting up, and I know if we do, then we will both think of what is best for our children.

      Thanks again honey,
      Bobbi Anne

  14. Sylvia 2 years ago

    Dear Bobbi, This is a though one. Your wife knows about your desire to crossdress but is not willing to accept it or accommodate. Seems to me that you two have to come to an agreement which is acceptable for both parties. Do you think it is possible to have a conversation with your wife to come to such an agreement? It all comes down to the question whether your wife is willing to allow you to crossdress and under what conditions. The conversation should cover aspects like frequency, location, the use of her clothes, if she want’s to see you en femme, etc. You want and need some space to give in to your desires but your wife needs to be able to cope with that. You need to make her understand if she will not allow you to crossdress you will become very unhappy and two people who love each other should not want their companion to be unhappy. You must also tell her that you understand that it must be difficult for her to accept your desire to crossdress and that you don’t want her to be unhappy either. If you both can agree on the fact that you both should be able to feel happy and be yourself in your relationship than you have found common ground on which you can built and work out the conditions that are acceptable for the both of you which will allow you to crossdress. Don’t forget to apologize for wearing her dress! Never wear your wife’s or any girls dress without her permission. If gives her the right to be angry and its for the best for you to acknowledge that.
    I hope you two will work thing out. Love, Sylvia

    • Author
      Bobbi Anne Rox 2 years ago

      Sylvia,

      Thanks so much for your advice. She does not tolerate any of my dressing desires, as I have tried to explain to her what it means to me, how I will abide by her boundaries, but it is still a no go. I try to explain to her to how it makes me feel not to dress, but she still wants nothing of it. It is very frustrating.

      Hugs,
      Bobbi Anne

  15. Jill 2 years ago

    Take crossdressing out of the equation.
    Are you happy?
    Is she happy?

    • Author
      Bobbi Anne Rox 2 years ago

      Jill,

      That is hard to say. I am happy for the most part, and I think she is, but it seems like we are attack dogs when we argue. I have proposed counseling, but she says she is fine and I am the one with the issue. When we are getting along, we get along great.

      Thanks,
      Bobbi Anne

  16. Cynthia Marie 2 years ago

    Bobbi Anne my heart goes out to you. The only thing I can say is try to be as strong as possible and don’t give into your rage. Seem like she feeds off of your anger. Chances are if you don’t show your anger she has nothing to piggy back on. So if you show a calm facade the madder she’ll get and then she’ll just walk away. If you show her outwardly that she is not getting to you win. Justy opinion.

    • Author
      Bobbi Anne Rox 2 years ago

      Cynthia Marie,

      Thank you so much hon for the advice. I try and do the best I can without letting my anger get the best of me, but I have always had a hair trigger temper that gets me into more deeper trouble than it has ever helped. LOL! I work on it constantly, but only have had slight improvement over the years. After the time we have been together too, she knows how to push my buttons, as I do hers, and we pretty much know each others reactions. It is a good and bad thing, and we both use it sometimes to hurt each other. I just want to have peace, both in my heart and my marriage. Unfortunately, the peace I feel while dressed won’t be happening if I want to keep peace in my marriage.

      Again, thanks for the advice.
      Hugs,
      Bobbi Anne

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