Splitting with my wife over crossdressing

Recently, my wife (of 24 years) and I have been arguing a lot about my cross dressing. I know she can not stand it at all, and I have told her that as many times as I have tried, I can not stop dressing. She has had me purge many other times when she has caught me secretly dressing, and this time I won’t purge it. I don’t think the purging is the issue though, I think the fact that she found a photo of me in one of her dresses is really pissing her off. I personally think I looked better in it than she does, and that is probably one of the reasons why she is so mad. The photo I attached is of me in that dress, although you can only see the top of it.

Now, every time she gets, she throws it in my face and makes derogatory comments about it. I try to ignore them, but the more I do, the madder I get until I explode. Once she gets me good and mad, then she brings up other topics that we disagree about, and she knows she can get her way on the other things.

I am at a loss about what to do. Any advice that anyone has would be greatly appreciated.

Stepping Out Secrets

Hugs to all.
Bobbi Anne

Ed: Bobbi, thank you for sharing my dear, my heart goes out to you and the pain you’re in. I know that many members have had rough experiences coming out to their loved ones, and balancing who they are inside with who they are expected to be. Please ladies, if you have any advice, guidance or encouragement for Bobbi, share it in the comments below.

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Bobbi Anne Rox

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25 Comments
  1. Christine 4 years ago

    I too have issues with my spouse over my cross dressing. We have been married over 40 yrs. I started when I was a teen but never had the opportunities to delve into it deeper until later in life. When I finally got on the internet and found out how many others there are that are cross dressers I though I had a solution to my years of thinking I was so alone. I decided to tell my wife about my desires several years ago, backed with some information I printed from the internet. It backfired , she called me names said I married her to cover this up and didn’t talk to me for several says. Long story short, she knows I have a lot of clothes and where I keep them we haven’t brought it up for several years and she doesn’t want to see me or pictures of me dressed. The fact I have my own clothes and don’t use hers may be a factor in my case but I don’t know as I still don’t want to bring it up to her. I dress on any occasion i’m home alone but I want to take it step up and go to a place that accepts us cross dressers and have some fun as my female half with others and talk to them. I guess you could say i’m caught In the middle.

  2. Simone 4 years ago

    Hi Bobbi Anne,

    So sorry to hear about your problems. Like you, I was married to a woman that tolerated my cross dressing after I told her about it approximately 8 years into the marriage. We agreed to go to counselling as she was finding it more difficult to deal with. During the counselling, it turned out that there was no way I could continue so I agreed to stop and got rid of all my stuff. We stayed together for another two years and, even though I didn’t cross dress during that time, she was constantly throwing it in my face and we argued constantly. After those two years, we sadly separated. I met another partner not long after and made sure she knew all about my dressing (now that was an awkward conversation!) but she was happy that I’d told her and we’ve been together for over 8 years now. She’s incredibly supportive and I dress around the house most weekends and we also go to clubs etc together. But, I never borrow her clothes or jewellery without asking first!
    I really hope you work it out together but, if you sadly don’t, I just wanted to let you know that things can get better once a marriage has ended.

    Love,

    Simone xxx

  3. Holly Morris 4 years ago

    Bobbi Anne,

    You’ve been given a lot of great advice by many of our sisters here. If I may, I’d like to add a little more based on my own personal experiences.

    I didn’t tell my wife until we had been married for more than 25 years. Of course it came as a huge shock to her to find out that her husband, the real man she thought she married had been carrying a secret inside for decades that I had never shared with her. The fact that it was crossdressing, which, let’s face it, is not a readily accepted addiction (not like drugs, or porn, or something “normal” like that) made it even worse.

    We went through hell as we came to terms with the fact that there was a part of me that I had kept from her for so long. That was one of the most painful aspects of coming out to her, the fact that I had been keeping secrets from her. I also laid it completely on the line though when I came out and told her absolutely everything – the good and the bad. I told her how I had tried to stop, how I’ve gone to counseling, how I’ve binged and purged, the pain I have felt as I have lived with this part of me that truthfully, I don’t understand and never will. I also provided her with a lot of research on the subject of crossdressing that I had read over the decades, so that she could see that I was not some sort of isolated pervert, I was just a man with a strange part of his character and makeup. Also, I then let her dictate what the terms of my crossdressing would be. Whether she wanted to see it (no), whether she wanted to participate in it (no), whether she would give me space if I needed it (yes), whether she wanted to talk about it (it depends), etc. Basically, although I know that crossdressing is a huge part of my life and who I am, I made the decision to not throw it in her face.

    In our case too, both of us loved each other fiercely and both were committed to making our marriage last and stay together, no matter what, so we both worked (and still continue to work to this day) to be open and honest with each other. That’s the best thing that came out of this for me, I no longer had to hide anything, so I could now be more emotional, I could now cry at silly movies, I could now tell her that I liked a certain dress on a woman. She realizes that as a crossdresser, I do have some emotional and psychological makeup similar to that of a female, which also made it easier for her to understand a lot of my past actions. She realized that since I was trying so hard to hide my crossdressing from her, that I would overcompensate and try to act super-macho (in effect, I was a real ass**** at times), so my opening up and coming out to her, totally and completely and honestly, was the best thing for us.

    She still doesn’t like my crossdressing, but at least now she seems to have a better understanding of some of the things that motivate me. As I said, I don’t understand why I’m this way, so trying to explain it to her and make her understand it is highly unlikely. The best we can do is to try and be honest without hurting our wives. After all, they didn’t marry us because they were lesbians, so finding out that there is in effect another woman as part of the marriage has got to be unsettling to them, or even downright scary. How they react to it ranges all across the map, but we can’t understand that and never will, just like they can’t understand us.

    So my suggestion and hope for you is that you and your wife are able to talk openly and honestly and come to some understanding that works for you. Every one of us is different, so our situations and how they are resolved will be different.

    Hugs,

    Holly

    • Grace 4 years ago

      Holly,
      It is amazing that your experience is so similar to mine and that there are others out there that are like me. I only wish that my wife would loosen the strings to allow me to go to a CD meet up that are held in Washington DC. She knows I dress and that is what I do in my girl cave but still won’t accept it nor let me out of the house . I can look good and so ties very sexy and I would love to hook up with another CD so maybe it’s better that I am on a tight leash:(

  4. Robert Eres 4 years ago

    Hi Bobbi Anne

    I am also Bobbi. I am married and have 3 wonderful sons. My wife cannot accept my crossdressing either. We’ve been married for 27 years now, been separated on and off. Now, I live in our home and we are trying to raise our 7 year old. I have my own bedroom, as our sex life has completely diminished. I stay because when I was 6, my parents went through an ugly divorce. I do not want my little boy to not have his father around.

    Anyways, when I want to dress up, I have to take a day off from work. I do not dress in front of my family. My feminine side has to come out and play every now and then. My wife and I do not talk about it, I do not like those heated discussions. She might be accepting it more now because she does not confront me anymore about my crossdressing. I’m not hurting anyone, I just love to be the woman inside me. I hope you and I can chat sometime and share experiences. Thank you.

    Bobbi

  5. Kerry 4 years ago

    Hi Bobbi Anne

    So the way i see it is if she is allwed time in hairdressers,gym,shopping or for hobbies then you also are..
    Crossdressing is just a stick to beat you with. A relationship is 50/50 as is a fight. So she doesnt need help as she is normal ? ( with anger issues )
    You need help because u crossdress ( which isnt normal to her ) ?

    Think both of you need help with anger issues first because kids pick up on that also( not healthy)
    Yes we all have rows and issues as no marraige or relationship is perfect and that is why we emjoy the ride because its unpredictable.
    Im writing this sitting beside my 49 year old partner in hospital dying from cancer and yes she knew about xdresing and said dress away i dont mind but i never crossed the boundary. It was my thing not hers. Yea we fought hard and all women throw issues as they fight with their mouth and men with violence usually.
    Its learning to rise above the issues that makes them stop being just that.( bigger person syndrom)
    Anyway where i am now i would change a lot but change nothing also
    Every fight is 50/50 blame as a fight cant happen without bothside taking part.
    Good luck with future and if the maraige is good i hope you save it but remember a rock is only as solid as the ground it rests on

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