I am a Monster

It’s me, Katie.

You may know me already.

I’m sweet and a little flirty. I love dresses and high heels and makeup. Unfortunately, I am also a parasite.

Crossdresser Heaven - Find Your Tribe

I don’t have my own body so I live in someone else’s. His name is Dan. Dan works hard almost everyday. He has a wife whom he loves dearly and two beautiful children for whom he would do anything. Dan values the things I love most in a man, he is secure, confident, successful, and he spoils his family to death. The last thing in the world I would ever want to do is ruin Dan’s life. But I know that is a risk every time I come out. So I try to stay quiet, hidden, and out-of-the-way.

Lately though, that is getting harder for me to do. I exist. I have thoughts and feelings, needs and desires. I need to see myself in the mirror at least once in a while.

I’m not getting any younger.

I know that with each passing day I get older. I fear I only have a few years left where I can wiggle into tight jeans. Perhaps only a few years before I become jowly and chicken-necked. And so I force myself out. I force Dan to let me take control as often as I can. The few hours of freedom that I have I relish like a child at Disneyland. I don’t feel guilt. I feel freedom and joy. It is only when I am again locked away, when my bra and panties have been stowed in the places where I have to keep them hidden, that I begin to feel terrible. Dan has been a terrific host. I don’t want to hurt him or hurt his family either.

I particularly feel sorry for Dan’s wife. We’ve met. I wanted us to be friends. But I sensed that could never happen. I sensed that she was terrified that I was going to take away her husband, her man, her rock, the father of her children. Dan and I decided that she and I should never meet again. That the damage it could do would be overwhelming. Dan is entirely comfortable with this arrangement, but I resent it terribly. To me she has become a prison guard. I must always be on the lookout for her, one eye over my shoulder. Dan would eliminate me to keep his family intact. Sometimes I feel like she’s looking at me, knowing that deep down inside of Dan I’m still inhabiting parts of Dan. When I catch that look, I cower. I wish I could stand up to her and tell her that she is not only hurting me, she is hurting Dan when she keeps me locked up inside of him.

To her, I am a monster. I am that which must be kept at bay. My mere presence is a perceived threat. She fears me. And perhaps she is right to do so. She does not want to share a bed with a woman. She does not want to share her makeup or her clothes or her jewelry with me. Worse yet, she fears that one day I will get tired of living deep inside of Dan. She fears that one day, I will take over Dan and Dan will cease to exist.

In reality, however, I dream of that day. I dream of the day that I can make the decisions about what to wear and how to cut our hair and where to shave. But to do so, I fear Dan would have to go away and I would miss him terribly. So here I sit in my dungeon, a prisoner struggling to be free, living for those stolen moments when I can stand in the sunlight and be acknowledged.

I pray for a day that I can shout from the rooftops “I exist!” But I also feel that day shall never come.

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Katie Robbins

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  1. trinity 2 years ago

    Exactly how I feel. I started hormones last September. Been off and on 3 times because both are fighting for dominance. No more purges or haircuts though. I always regret that. Wish I could move to California and just disappear.

  2. Nikki Jones 2 years ago

    Amazing you described it so eloquently. For years I have repressed myself because of those exact same thoughts and feelings. I would only allow myself to sneak out in “acceptable” ways, jokingly putting on a pair of my SOs panties, allowing my nails to be painted under protest. Yet always in the back of my mind is this need this desire. It would make me feel ashamed of who I am.

    It wasn’t until these last few years that I have really started to look into myself and started to come to terms with it. I wish I could say it wasn’t due to personal hardships and its easy now but that isn’t the case. I still haven’t told anyone close to me. Yet now I want the world to know me for who I am and I find myself moving towards that. I am no where near that point but I feel in my heart I am doing the right thing.

  3. Nicole 2 years ago

    just beautiful…

  4. Ricki 2 years ago

    Thank you for your article I used to think I was the only one with those feelings your descriptions are so much like my thoughts and feelings

  5. Linda 2 years ago

    Very thoughtful indeed but why the negatives? Monster, dungeon, prisoner, parasite? Life is a compromise for everyone but there is so much to be thankful for. Katie gets to go out – many cannot. Dan does not hate Katie – many have not reached such acceptance. Dan is loved by wife and family – many lose all of that. Dan’s wife is never going to love but she tolerates Katie – many wives will not have any of that. Katie gets to ‘exist’ – no one spends all their time in Disneyland. Dan and Katie have equal shares of the mind – nothing can take that away. Katie is so lucky. Does she really want to shout from the rooftops? Would things be better than now if she did?

  6. Kim 2 years ago

    I know just how you feel, only it’s my friends that are keeping me locked up. They say there cool with it but I’m not so sure. I just want to be happy and live my life the way I want to.

  7. Vivienne Marcus 2 years ago

    Beautiful; articulate; heart-breaking. It rings true from so many angles.

    Thank you for posting this.


  8. Lea 2 years ago

    Katie, I love the perspective you wrote this article from.

    Here I sit, typing at the computer as “Lea”, looking like…my masculine side. It’s like my feminine side is temporarily in control of my brain and hands.

    I know that feeling of being a monster, just a little differently from you. One when expressed individually, my masculine and feminine sides are amazing. Combined, like most of the time, I feel like a monster.

    The separate thoughts in my head goes like this….

    He: How did I let her in.
    Her: Why doesn’t he fight for me.
    He: Will she ever leave.
    Her: Doesn’t he fully accept me, I’m here to stay.
    He: Why doesn’t my wife like her, she’s not a threat.
    Her: Why doesn’t his wife like me, we have so much in common.
    He: When will my kids figure it out?
    Her: Will his kids accept me? Will they hate me?
    He: I have so much to lose, should I really tell others about her.
    Her: Who cares what the world thinks.
    He: Jeans and a t-shirt for now. Maybe a sweater later.
    Her: Bra under and girly socks. No dress or heels today.
    Both: Sad, sometimes angry, sometimes just ok.

    If only we could reveal ourselves. Then, instead of feeling like monsters, we could reach our true potentials and show the world around us (and ourselves) that we are not monsters.

  9. Dayle 2 years ago

    I see myself in your story. Thanks for sharing.

  10. JaneS 2 years ago

    Katie this is one of the best encapsulations of a common story that I’ve ever read. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

    I hope that day comes for you soon but I hope it’s a day like many I enjoy, when my ‘Dan’ and I exist together, openly and with total support. It can happen.

  11. *skippy1965(Cynthia) 2 years ago

    Love the article Katie! Really captures the struggle that those of us with TG feelings fight every day. For me -since I am divorced-it is the relationship with my kids and family and friends that is at risk as I try to discover where my future lies. Cynthia has remained in he shadows of my life for over 50 years-though she didn’t realize that until she was 11. For he lat 40 years, she took what moments she could where she could breathe the fresh air of freedom only to find herself pulled back inside her cell as you describe where she remained most of the time. In the last five years, those moments of freedom have become longer and longer and now Cynthia has more time in charge than the male body she inhabits does. She may soon be in control more o the time but will never forget that without the man she was born as, she would never be in the position to become the woman she was meant to be. Thanks for sharing this wonderful perspective with us!

  12. Tiffany Anne 2 years ago

    Wow – very powerful and well written. Sad . . . .

  13. nichol 2 years ago

    you could not hit it any better .

  14. KerryMichelle 2 years ago

    You have posted such a well written account of how many of us feel, trapped in that man’s body and always having to look over our shoulder to be sure we don’t get found out. I also know I exist, but I am not a monster. I am becoming more comfortable on those few times when I get out in public as my true self. I also dream of the day when I can just be my true self all the time.

  15. Jesse Nicole(Smokey) 2 years ago

    Wonderful look into our inner selves as we go day to day. The constant battle of our two souls seems never ending. Thank you for sharing Katie!

  16. Katie,

    Very well written! This hidden part is what makes us the best us we can be…more responsible, more caring, more sensitive, but scares others when it shows itself along with a skirt and heels. Our world is upside down and judgmental, always missing the true point of what really matters. Excellent way to make a point! Bravo!


  17. Dianne Baldwin 2 years ago

    Great story I know how you feel. It’s a struggle but I’m finding Dianne getting much braver

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