You’re likely feeling a bit shocked – after all, this is unlikely to be something you expected when you entered the relationship. Your boyfriend was probably wracked with fear when you first found out, and it’s likely he didn’t tell you himself because he feared that you wouldn’t accept his crossdressing. He may be both nervous and eager to share more details with you. Don’t let him go faster than you feel comfortable with. After all, he has been dealing with this for years and you only just found out.
You shouldn’t fear that you’re in this alone – It is surprisingly common for men to crossdress, at least occasionally. Some estimates say that roughly 5% of men are transgendered. There are many organizations that help wives and girlfriends, we have a program on Crossdresser Heaven exclusively for significant others where you can find resources, support and encouragement.
You may feel many emotions, and may even surprise yourself by having fun together when he’s crossdressing. If that’s the case, go with it! Don’t feel like you need to conform to an outdated set of societal norms!
A great resource is a book written by Peggy Rudd called ‘My Husband Wears My Clothes‘. I’ve included a link below. This book was written by a woman whose husband is a crossdresser. Peggy provides insight, comfort and support for any woman who finds out that her beloved is a crosdresser.
Hugs
Vanessa Law
Latest posts by Vanessa Law (see all)
- You Are Enough - March 5, 2017
- We Can Make It Into Something Wonderful - February 26, 2017
- Meet Your Crossdresser Heaven Ambassadors - February 15, 2017
- United We Stand - January 21, 2017
- Come Out of the Shadows - June 6, 2016
Dear Vanessa,
I am a male and cross dressing secretly without anyone knowledge. I have a girlfriend and I am having difficulties in life thinking whether I should forced myself to stop this for the sake of my relationship. I had gave some indication to my girlfriend about my crossdressing interest but she hated the idea and not willing to accept it. I really wanted to continue my relationship but it is so difficult trying not to think about crossdressing. So far, 1 week is the longest I can stay away from my bras and panties… Please advice.. I need help badly..
thank you.
Elaine xxx
Dear Elaine,
I know I am not Vanessa and cannot give exactly the same advice as she would. However I do believe that if you are truly trying to conserve this relationship of yours you need to find some time to have a serious discussion about it. She may not go for it right off the bat and that has to be expected(we’re not exactly the majority here are we?). I am of the opinion that if you plan on taking a relationship anywhere that goes farther than a couple of dates you need to tell her. This is a big part of your life and there is simply no reason to give that up. Again I stress to break it to her lightly but be firm that this is who you are. I do not know the pain of having to go through hiding this as my girlfriend is actually the one to bring it up to me so I cannot say i know how you feel. I do know that i’ve tried to stop this before and i didn’t like it. If this is who you are tell her. If she doesn’t like it it’s her loss. You sound like a perfectly fine Crossdresser to me.
Wishing you the VERY best,
Ashley
Ashley – well said, this is good advice. Share with her, but be open to her not accepting right away. Be gentle, realize that this will be hard on her, but don’t commit to changing who you are just to be with her.
is it really true that by taking birthtaking pills one would grow breasts and turn looking a bit feminine style
Birthcontrol pills have female hormones in them, but taking hormones when not under a doctor’s care can be dangerous. If you or someone you love is considering hormones I highly recommend you consult a doctor. Apart from the desired effects (breast growth, female fat distribution), there are many other health risks that go along with hormones, such as an increased risk of stroke.
I would like to find another crossdresser in New Phila,Dover that I can talk too one on one. I told a lady of mine she was Ok as long as I didn’t borrow her stuff. Right now we no longer see each other so I have know one. My two X’s didn’t know a thing about me cross dressing #2 and I were married 24yrs.she never knew. It was hard on me not telling afew tines it came up for another person she stated if every she say me like that her and my kids were going. When I was little & did something wrong my mom would put my sister or her stuff on me.
I realy would like to find someone around here to talk to and may dress up for he could do the same.
Hey Randy, have you tried look at http://www.tri-ess.org They may have a chapter that meets near you.
I even dont know what to do:(I can’t accept that the man next to me is a crossdresser,I want to be a wife of a normal man.I found out two weeks ago that my lovely hubby is into men!!!What do I have to do???He tells me that he loves me,but i really think that he is more into my beauty and clothes.I feel so bad,cause i really loved him…….
he mustt be bi but if he says that he wants to be with u then ur the one he wants to be with.he decided to marry u and not someone else.
I just found out a VDay that my boyfriend is a crossdresser and I don't know what to do because I really do love him. I feel your pain and I understand what you mean about him being more into your beauty and clother than you.
Don't know quite how to start this letter to you all.But I'll give It a shot ok?Well my Crossdressing started way back when I was around 6 or 7 year's old or so..My best rememberence was the first time I seen my Mother putting on her Pantyhose and Girdle & Bra.She worked In a nursing home.She wore those long white doctor like dress I believe.I just didn't know how to react to seeing my Mother dressing.I wasn't quite In school yet,This was on a week end I think?Well any way,when mom left for work,my Aunt's were living with us.They baby sitted for my Mom and father.I think I went Into my Mother's bedroom,without them seeing me.I went through my Mother's dresser drawer's.I found so many Intimat Item's.The most stuff that was In there,was her Pantyhose.I think that when I put them Into my hand's,the material,made me feel something I never felt before.I then sneaked back to my bedroom,and started to play with them.I then put them on my leg's,cause I knew how,cause I seen my Mother put them on her leg's so many time's.
Amely, I can only imagine how hard this is on you. Please know that you have the right to feel frustrated, angry or confused by all this. It sounds like he’s just landed a double whammy on you – that he is bisexual and a crossdresser.
My prayers are with you. The thing I recommend most of all is lots of good, open, honest communication. Share your thoughts and feelings while you listen to his. Don’t give up just yet dear.
im in the same boat my boyfriend is a cross dresser i found out myself when i confronted him he told me everything he says he is straight and loves me can this be?? he sais he wants a future with me as man and wife is this possible in this situation??
Hi hon,
It is possible to live happily with a crossdresser as man and wife – I know many couples who have been together for many years where the husband is a crossdresser. You should go into this with your eyes open, there is going to be a lot of open communication and at times compromises that both of you need to make.
My advice is to take it slow, make sure that your boyfriend understands how far he wants to take crossdressing – if he were to become a woman that would create a whole different dynamic to your relationship that you may or may not appreciate – and keep the lines of communication open.
The fact that he has trusted you with a secret like this means that he cares for you very deeply dear.
Good luck!
Thank you, I needed that advice as well. My boyfriend told me that a while back and I was cool with it then, helping him buy clothes and things. I grew up in a town where you would see crossdressers all the time so I thought I was cool with it. Then he went to a dragshow while I was out of town and once I was home I was greeted with pics on facebook that made me feel uncomfortable, but I hurt him by telling him that. So I told him I would get over it, and now am educating myself and supporting himin everyway I can.
I love you hon
Erin, good for you hon. Education on this subject is an absolute must. Please learn all you can. That way, you will be able to make informed, rational decisions about where and how far you both want to go with his/her crossdressing. If you notice, there is a listing of books on this site. Look them over and choose the ones that most closly fit your situation and read them.
Most of all, love your crossdresser and be supportive of her as far as you can. Compromise is the key here for both of you. Talk about what each of you wants and try to come to an agreement about it. Most of all, love him and support him. this is a time of major adjustment for you both. Given time, I’m sure that both of you will make this work, and maybe even enjoy the time together as girls. You may find that her personality will change some while she is en femme. I know that mine does. I become softer, quieter and much calmer when I am Ragina, and my stress levels go way down as well.
Have fun discovering your SO’s femminine side and don’t forget that a compliment every once in a while goes a long way, too. Good fortune to you both and prayers are with you, too.
I just found out my BF is a crossdresser and I am supportive, but I somehow feel like he is more attracted to what I wear and not me.. I am trying to be open minded about this, but it makes me feel like I am not enough. __We have been together almost a year and our sex life is pathetic… I am just scared if it's like this now, what it is going to be like in the future if we get married.__Is this normal?__I'm afraid a skirt turns him on more that me..__Any advise?__
i am cross dreser male with marry
I am 28 year cd. Since childhood i wanted to look like female and secretly wearing my sisters clothes. Now i wear bhabhi’s saree jwellary and make up with inner garment. Sometime i go out wearing bra under my clothes. I like feeling of bra. I wish to have my nose and ear pierced. Saree is my favourate gown.
Hello everyone I just found this site and decided to look into it. My fiance is a cross dresser. Its been 2 years now since he told me. He told me he first knew when he watched his mum put on high heels when he was little and then tried them on for himself. Now every night he has to wear a pair of heels. It is weird for me because I do want just a normal man but i have to accept it if i want to stay with him. We have a shoe cupboard and he has his own collection of girly clothes. This is normal in our relationship now and i dont think much of it but sometimes it does get to me. It has been a very hard thing to accept but I cannot think of life without him and i think that there are worse things he could be doing with his life. We have a great life together everything is perfect so i shouldnt let it get to me because its something that i cannot force him out of.
my bf is a dickhead about his "crossdressing" i cant talk to him about it or he gets "uncomfortable" but totally disregards the fact that i will need to know about this due to the fact it is my life with him! is that selfish, so if understanding is what a crossdresser wants maybe its not all bout them, maybe they can answer some quetions to the person dealing with it!
He needs to open up to you and realize the fact that since you want to talk about it with him, you are opened minded and want to be part of his life. As his life includes a feminine side, he needs and is obligated to reveal that side of himself to you. If he does and is honest with himself and you, your relationship will flourish because of it. Just tell him you realize he does not have a choice in the matter and that it is better not to hide it from you and you need to share in the experience it is part of him and part of you now.
Hi, my boyfriend told me of his crossdressing early on in the relationship and assured me he was not gay, just liked the feeling of being the woman and being dominated. However, I had doubts so I went on a local site, and found personal ads saying he was looing for a man to split a hotel room with him and have sex, I also found pics of him in a hotel in full drag I confronted him and broke up with him imediately! He swears he never actually met a man, just got off having cybersex with men who responded, I am devastated because he did this behind my back and I wanted to marry him. I am so depressed and want to die! 🙁
my bf told me he was a crossdresser but before he told me this secret he was gonna dump me cause he was scared incase i didnt want after i knew about it but we are still together im scared that he likes guys though he keeps saying im beautiful and stuff but im not lol idk what to do
O wow, I don’t even know where to begin:( I’ve been reading through some of the posts, and I can honestly say just as the other women on here, I want to be as supportive as I possibly can, but yet I don’t know. I’m scared. The sad thing is, my BF, of almost 2 years doesn’t even know that I know right now. And I don’t know whether to approach him about it or not and just let it go. He’s not a very ‘open’ individual as far as his feelings and thoughts are. When he has something to say, he will. And I’m not sure what his reaction would be to be quiite honest! And I really don’t feel that the response will be very pretty….. When we fisrt started dating it was great! The ‘intamacy’, was always spontaneous and ‘hot’, I then got very sick, unfortunately, it took a while before I was feeling better. There were a few other contributing factors in our lives that also stopped the ‘initmacy’ for awhile. Work, family, what have you. then after that it just seemed that ‘intimacy’ was always on his terms, and seemed to be about a once a month thing. We talked and brought it up, but there was never really any resolution. But I will have to admit, with in the last week and a half for about 2-3 days, things changed….it was about 2-3 times a day… but…. exactly that, ‘BUTT’…. IF you get my meaning…. this has set him off and has turned him ‘on’….. I am OK with this!!!! Can’t get in to too much detail right now u will know why in a minute…. . He also just seemed oblivious when I would flirt with him, put on new lingrie myself or really go out and make myself look really ‘hot’ when we would go out, I get no compliments whatsoever from him. I would do eveything I could to make him feel proud to have me on his arm… I would get compliements and ‘omg jaw drops from other’s…. I have sent ‘naughty’ pics, and still no response. All I get is ‘NICE HONEY’, I would even try initiating ‘intimacy’… and no response…. We talked about this… things have changed a little…I thought for awhile he was cheating on me, than I just started having DOUBTS…. not that he was cheating…, as we don’t live together, but he is here at my home about 90% of the time. But yet i work a regular M-F 8-5 job… he works a 48 shift every four days…I know he love’s me, he wouldn’t be here if he didn’t, he wouldn’t do things he does for me if he didn’t and does show me to a certain degree. But it has always been in the back in my mind that there is STILL something just not quite right. Call it ‘woman’s intuition’. I admit it, I snooped for the first time ever!!!!! And I know, KARMA WILL come back to bite me in the ass! And probably really hard!!!! And I WON’T enjoy it… no ‘pun’ intended… I will have to admit that the ummm, computer history, actually even brought up this website! And when I typed in ‘help my BF is a cross dresser’, this website came up! I tried to let it go, there’s so many pop ups now days that even they will make it look at though you’ve been on the site. Anyway, it kept eating at me, and it got the best of me. I snooped again! I know, I feel like such a ‘$$!&’ head and feel so bad, but to know what’s going on on this end, I honestly think you would understand, however, this is not my nature, I have been so extremely frustrated and stressed trying to figure out what is going on! So frustrated to the point that I am actually drinking more and have put on a few pounds… this I AM NOT PROUD of!!!!!! I first found an empty shoe box. Not a ‘normal’ woman’s size. I first started thinking, ok, he’s been to Halloween parties before he and I, maybe these are just part of an old costume. This justification still wasn’t working for me. I have now found his ‘stash of lingerie, along with the shoes that were missing from the shoe box….., as well as ‘various’ toys. My first thought was holy ‘F’! These are bigger than mine.! WTF!!!!!! ARE YOU DOING!!!!! Yes, we do bring ‘bob’ into the picture every once and a while and I have never denied to him about using it! And we both enjoy the ‘moment ‘ from time to time when we bring ‘bob’ into into the ‘moment’…. I am so ‘shell shocked’ right now, I don’t know what to do, how to react, what to feel, what to think or who to talk to. I love him sooooooo much, and I don’t want to lose him, he’s sooo good to me…I just don’t know what to do. I really do want to be open minded about this. I just don’t know what the next step is… if there is another step or how to bring this out… I DON’T want to confront him… I NEED him to come to me about it… and I don’t know how to do this…… Please, any advice… any thoughts…any suggestions……I really truely honestly feel that I CAN handle the ‘extra toy’s’…. I have ALWAYS told him… I AM WILLING to do anything at least once or twice to give it a ‘shot’…I do love you baby! I really truely do love you baby! I’m just so scared and sooooooooooooooooooooooo confused :(……….
What I don’t understand, especially in today’s world and society, why woman just can’t accept a partner who is a CD. And while some of us are bi (and there are plenty of women who are bi but that seems ok for society), what does that have to do with the love and caring for the woman? Nothing. I can be either a man or a CD, be with a woman partner and still have urges and desires to be with a man on occasion, and STILL want to be with the woman partner (much more so than being in a relationship with a man or else I’d be in one).
Basically, if I am with a woman, and dress and sometimes want to play with a man (either alone or maybe even with her), why and how does that change the fact that I am, and want to be, with the woman? It doesn’t. Denial of either basic human urges or hidden desires only causes tension and eventual heartbreak. If people (whatever gender) could just accept their partner/spouse and their love, the world would be far better off.
I know I would.
I too am a woman suffering with how to deal with the man I love being a cross dresser. We were high school sweethearts and fell madly in love 8 years ago. I thought I found my soul mate and had no idea he was hiding such a big secret from me. I’ve known he was doing this behind my back but even despite catching him in the act he would deny it and kept it from me up until recently when he admitted it was a part of his life he could and would not change. The issues I am dealing with is how do you learn to deal and accept it and how do you get over the anger of him keeping such a hurtful thing from you. I know it’s not like they can say it on a first date but why did he make me fall for him and then put me through all of this. I know it isn’t easy for him but I too am having a very hard time and would like some support with how to deal with this if there was any. Thank you very much for your time.
I posted this on another post on this site but thought I’d put it here too. Looking for advice.
Over the past 6 months I’ve noticed my boyfriend of almost 2 years wearing women’s panties and panty hose, thigh highs, etc. The first time I discovered it I had done laundry and was putting stuff away in his underwear drawer. My first inclination was not that he was wearing the thongs I saw, but rather that they belonged to another woman. Once I figured out they were in fact his, I was actually relieved but have since become confused. I want to understand for him but he doesn’t talk to me about it. He will wear the womens thongs and thigh highs, etc around me and to bed, but has never spoken to me about it. Then over this past weekend I was in the study cleaning and accidentally happened upon an entire cabinet filled with women’s clothing, high heels and lingerie. I came online looking for an explanation. I don’t know a lot about any of this and just was looking for some answers and hoping to find reassurance that he wasn’t gay and going to leave me, I didn’t want to overreact although I did have a minor panic attack. Reading this has helped me immensely. It also has shed some light on comments he’s made to me recently when we’ve been speaking about our future that I should not want to spend my life with him, but he “will wait a little longer to tell me why because he’s not ready for us to be over”
Now though, I need some advice on how to approach him about it. He doesn’t know that I’ve found everything. I want to be supportive and I really do want to understand (I am really trying for him), but I don’t know how to start the conversation without upsetting him. Any advice or thoughts? I love him very much and want it to be a constructive, non threatening and supportive conversation so he knows I’m there for him and not going to run away.
Thanks!
I think Blake’s advise is good – approach him subtly, give him a chance to come out to you, but let him know that it’s okay through your body language and your approach.
Best of luck sweetie!
i have a problem n dont know how to take it. i have known for a while my boyfriend likes crossdressing but just found out he has been going to meet a couple for 3somes as dresses as a crossdresser, he doent know i know and dont know whether to confront him about it or not, is he not happy with our sex lives he needs to go somewhere else.
its reallytough seeing a friendship dissolve just for that reason you are a real person and truly want to be honest but then they turn away and some wont even talk to you ….Is it because of their insecurities ??ya kno if the friend is a girl even tho your not intimate but the relationship fades or if its a guy .. Ithink guys feel threateaned to some extent altho they dont admit it Thing is you have been friends with them for a time sometimes for years ..THEN they find out a poof its gone Idont understand if you have a FRIENDSHIP no intemacy no touyching or flurting,,, just a good friend and all the sudden theyseem to view you as the plague BUT you ARE the same person go figure what’s up with that?? Hatred is not an option
hi my boyfriend is a cross dresser and has been for years, but i just found out about a year ago and i was shocked, hurt and embarrased. he only does it when he gets hi off of meth and then when he sobers up he always say he’s fighting demons and thats not him, so we need answers
Hey for all of you out there unlessyou have been there you just don’t know what it is like..
i was born with cromozone imbalance or 2 sexed once you have been given an idenity by your parents …(instead of them letting you decide what you want they decide for you)that is what I have been delt .Not that I hate my parents they are good people my mother died from althzhimers but my dads still here It is they just did not know how to deal with it as we do today knowing what we kno about genetic structure … and there seems to be a more at ease responce to the issue . Whether you just crossdress or have been delt what I have It is getting better through education and understanding ,,,… dont give up on yourself ,,I never did
Hi I`m Alicia I been cross dressing for a long time when I was 10 years old I started wearing my mom and sister bras and panties I stopped for a while but started again I spend a lot of money for clothes and women stuff then I say I am stopping I give it all away then I cant stop I start buying again with me I don’t feel I am male I feel female I don’t like getting dirty I sit to pee every time I was on hormones I been bisexual all my life but since I was on hormones I am turn on by men more then before my wife is ok with it she know I like men and lets me sleep with men when I want she is ok with it all she buys me clothes my panties its great well I was pretty lucky but I hope thing work out for you and wish you lots of luck Alicia
My boyfriend came out that he was a crossdresser near the beginning of our relationship. I was open to it and thought it would bring us closer. He had been in a relationship for 15 years with the mother of his kids, and she did this for him. After finding out that he had cheated on me several times with her (because she was more accepting I suppose), I found it hard to do when he’d request it. I’ve always been more of a submissive girl, wanting a more dominant manly man. I do love him so much, but often wonder if I’m really what he needs. He’s asked to have a 3some with another man, and we followed through with it. He tells me he enjoys dressing up because it makes him feel sexy. I notice a big change in him whenever he’s looking fem. The way he walks, talks, and even looks at me completely changes. I feel so awkward at times. I have to play a role acting as if it’s turning me on, when in my mind, I just want to run for the door or make him stop. He means everything to me and his happiness is so important. I wonder if my discomfort should be addressed or I should leave him? Bringing another man into the bedroom was difficult. I only want one. I’m worried that maybe he finds me boring, or might be bisexual. It’s exciting having a man that is different from most, and I consider myself lucky. I just want the uneasiness to go away. Any suggestions are appreciated. We’ve been together 8+ years now.
[…] A few weeks ago I wrote an article about what to do if your boyfriend is a cross dresser. […]
I have been married to a cross dresser for 15 years. We had been together for about 5 years when I found out.The only thing that pissed me off is that he hadn’t told me sooner He has dressed since age 15 so he was sneaking it to dress. Obviously he was the same man I fell in love with and loving him I wanted him to enjoy his life to the fullest. We went right out and bought him lots of cloth from panties and bra to slacks and blouses and dresses. I threw out all his mens underwear and had him wear panties under his cloths. Now at home he is almost always dressed as a woman. I have taught him makeup and how to act like a woman. I have the greatest girl friend and husband in one and have enjoyed it from the second I found out and let me add that our sex life gets better daily. Yes I said daily
AngelaMarie – I’m happy it turned out well. Sometimes I wish my wife were as supportive about me taking hormones. I would encourage you to see a doctor though, hormones can have other health risks, apart from the more pleasant side effects, such as larger breasts.
Hugs,
Vanessa
I had the same problem when thinking about telling my future wife at the time. It started when I was about five years old.I have always felt as though I was indeed a female ,so I started to dress the part.When I reached my thirties,I met a woman and I ended up engaged to her. She started me on pills that were supposed to stop male pattern baldness. It did work ,but it had more side effects that I wasn’t going to find out avbout tilll later on down the road.I found out later that the pills shre had been giving me were birth control pills. When I started growing breasts is when I confronted her and she told me the truth. She told me that she wanted the rest of my body to match my long slender legs. Sher got her wish ! I went from being 38-32-38 ,to a feminine 42-30-41 figure. I love the new me,I just wish it could have happened 20+ years ago !
Elaine, I would caution against trying to change who you are for her sake. It may work for a few weeks, or a few months, but I’ve heard of very few crossdressers who have “cured”. I would encourage you to find others in the crossdressing community you can share your experiences with, and to try to communicate openly and honestly with your girlfriend. I know that this may be difficult for her to accept, but life will throw even more challenging things at us, that will try the love and care we have for each other.
Hi Ashley,
Thank you for your kind words. In fact, each time i think of talking to my girlfriend seriously, I felt embarassed. I don’t know why I feel such way. She always sees me as a tough guy. Maybe it’s becouse in my country, the people here are not really that open. I do agree with you. I will do my best and discuss this over with her seriously. Thank you for your encouragement.
Regards,
Elaine..