My wife has known about my cross dressing for almost 2 years now, and although she is accepting, I know at times she still has her doubts. One of those doubts came when she saw the ad for Transgender Heaven on the CDH website. She freaked out, thinking that I was looking to transition. She told me (while holding back tears) that if this was the case our marriage would be over. I had to reassure her that this was not the case and that what she saw was just an ad.
The next day I spent most of the day composing a letter to my wife explaining what cross dressing means to me, what CDH is about and then what my ideal expectations moving forward are. With her permission she has allowed me to publish the letter after I explained to her that it might be of use to some other members who may be struggling with getting their partners to understand what cross dressing is all about for some of us.
So here it is.
To My Dearest Wife.
I understand that the change we have had in our life over the last couple of years cannot be easy for you. You married a man for 9 years and then you found out your husband likes to dress in women’s clothes.
After you told me yesterday that if I ever wanted to be a women full time, that it would be the end of our marriage, it got me thinking that I really need to explain what cross dressing means to me and why I like it so much.
– I am not Gay!! I like being with women and that will never change.
– I do not want to be a girl!! You might find this strange as I dress every night as a girl, but the idea of being a girl full time does not appeal to me.
– Why do I cross dress? – 1st reason is it feels so good to wear nice feminine clothing items and be dressed up in them, men’s clothes just do not have the same feeling.
– 2nd reason is the fact that it is my stress release, I feel more relaxed after each day when I am dressed up as a woman, after a busy day of work and kids and family life, the time I spend being cross dressed relaxes me and makes me feel good.
– 3rd reason, it has been part of me for most of my life. Although never to the extent I dress now (Thank you for letting me do this now), but I always had some sort of female clothing hidden when I was younger. Back then it was more a sexual fetish as it would get me excited but now, although I still find it exciting, it is now more of a comfort to be dressed up in feminine clothing.
– Crossdresser Heaven Website – This is the best place that I have found by far for cross dressers on the internet. It is a safe environment where we can share opinions, photos, articles, and just communicate around everything having to do with cross dressing. This site does not allow any type of photos that do not meet their standard and the founder and her staff of administrators are quick to remove any new members that try to use it for a dating site or posting inappropriate photos. Most of the members on this site are just like me – married with a wife that either accepts and supports, accepts but is unsupportive, or still does not know about their cross dressing.
– There are even real wives/partners that are members on this site. They use the site to help them understand why men have the desire to cross dress and connect with other wives/significant others of cross dressers.
– I looked around the internet for a long time before I found this site and I feel totally safe here because everyone here treats each other with respect, understanding, and support.
Yes, there are some Transgender people on there, however, they have their own website which you saw the ad for last night. I’ve never been on the transgender site and do not plan to visit it.
You have noticed that I have been reading a lot and communicating to the other crossdressers online. I am reading their stories and opinions on a wide range of topics including talking to their partners about cross dressing, clothes they wear, make up, hair, jewelry, shoes, etc. …………. Almost everything cross dressing which helps to make a male look more female.
Why share photos – Pretty easy to answer. Anybody can have a feminine side to their personality but to be able to look like a lady and capture that in a moment in time requires more effort than I ever knew. For the female population, they grew up learning beauty skills. For us cross dressers it takes lots of time, study, patience, trial and error, and practice. When it finally works with the body shapewear, clothes, hair, accessories and make up, we then want to share this with our friends and get their support and feedback.
– Positives to my crossdressing – I’ll start with what has been good for me with my cross dressing.
– I am eating better; I am more fit than I have ever been in my life and I have lost weight. I now take better care of my body than I ever have before.
– Negatives to my crossdressing – We are married and as your husband, I need to be aware of your needs and concerns around my cross dressing. I never wanted to embarrass you or make you feel bad about the man you married. You are still my beautiful Sexy wife and I’m sorry that I don’t say that enough to you.
What I want – I want to continue cross dressing. I am aiming for a sophisticated and elegant look with the occasional sexy look thrown in. I would really like to learn how to use make-up to compete my look. Using the Face App is ok, but I will never know if I can pass if I don’t use the same skills real women use to make themselves look so beautiful. Photos taken and posted online without Face App are more realistic, therefore, I don’t want to use a Face App to try and make myself look much prettier than I actually am when dressed up as a beautiful woman.
I would also really like to go out dressed up en femme and shop for women’s clothes without feeling everyone is looking at me. I do feel uncomfortable sometimes shopping for women’s clothes while dressed as a man.
I would also like to attend Crossdressing events when they happen although I understand that if I am ever allowed to do this that these times will be limited to when the kids are not at home.
What you don’t know is I have already been outside dressed up. A couple of times I have driven in my car dressed up at night when the boys are not home and once I walked through Te Aroha Domain dressed with a face mask on. This was when the boys were at Mum’s place.
– From my wife – Only you can decide how much support or restrictions you want to put on my cross dressing. I would love your support and help where you feel comfortable, but I am also content to have what we have now as you have been supportive in your own way so far.
– After all this is just a hobby.
The night after she read the letter we had a conversation about all things related to cross dressing. I showed her the CDH website and she saw the photos I had posted and other members photos as well. We spent about 10 minutes looking around CDH. We had a discussion about what I would like to do going forward and she was receptive.
This letter has helped move my cross dressing to a new level and although probably too early to tell, I think it has also enhanced our relationship as we both have a better understanding of what each other wants from my cross dressing.
I hope that this letter has a positive impact on those who are struggling with their SO acceptance.
Thank you girls so very much for taking the time to read my article and the letter I wrote to my wife! I would love for you to send to me either a response to my article above or to one or more of the questions I’ve posed to you below:
- How long did you stay deep in the closet before admitting to your wife that you were a cross dresser and how did that very first admission to her go?
- If she was accepting and allowed your cross dressing to continue, what limitations, if any, did she place on your cross dressing?
- Since that first admission to her about your cross dressing, how far forward has she came with her acceptance? Have some of your limitations decreased and how else has she changed towards your cross dressing up until now?
With most sincere thanks, Sarah
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Sarah Lane
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Sarah, Your letter is well written. It is explanatory and thoughtful. I think so many of us SO or wives get reactive because we don’t know….where it is going, what it means and we also feel that from the feelings of broken trust that come when you find out years later. When you don’t know fear creeps in…and fear can run away with you very quickly. Thank you for being an example of consideration in a challenging relationship situation. A good example and reminder for all of us. -Ang