Recently, my wife (of 24 years) and I have been arguing a lot about my cross dressing. I know she can not stand it at all, and I have told her that as many times as I have tried, I can not stop dressing. She has had me purge many other times when she has caught me secretly dressing, and this time I won’t purge it. I don’t think the purging is the issue though, I think the fact that she found a photo of me in one of her dresses is really pissing her off. I personally think I looked better in it than she does, and that is probably one of the reasons why she is so mad. The photo I attached is of me in that dress, although you can only see the top of it.
Now, every time she gets, she throws it in my face and makes derogatory comments about it. I try to ignore them, but the more I do, the madder I get until I explode. Once she gets me good and mad, then she brings up other topics that we disagree about, and she knows she can get her way on the other things.
I am at a loss about what to do. Any advice that anyone has would be greatly appreciated.
Hugs to all.
Bobbi Anne
Ed: Bobbi, thank you for sharing my dear, my heart goes out to you and the pain you’re in. I know that many members have had rough experiences coming out to their loved ones, and balancing who they are inside with who they are expected to be. Please ladies, if you have any advice, guidance or encouragement for Bobbi, share it in the comments below.
Bobbi Anne my heart goes out to you. The only thing I can say is try to be as strong as possible and don’t give into your rage. Seem like she feeds off of your anger. Chances are if you don’t show your anger she has nothing to piggy back on. So if you show a calm facade the madder she’ll get and then she’ll just walk away. If you show her outwardly that she is not getting to you win. Justy opinion.
Cynthia Marie, Thank you so much hon for the advice. I try and do the best I can without letting my anger get the best of me, but I have always had a hair trigger temper that gets me into more deeper trouble than it has ever helped. LOL! I work on it constantly, but only have had slight improvement over the years. After the time we have been together too, she knows how to push my buttons, as I do hers, and we pretty much know each others reactions. It is a good and bad thing, and we both… Read more »
Take crossdressing out of the equation.
Are you happy?
Is she happy?
Jill,
That is hard to say. I am happy for the most part, and I think she is, but it seems like we are attack dogs when we argue. I have proposed counseling, but she says she is fine and I am the one with the issue. When we are getting along, we get along great.
Thanks,
Bobbi Anne
Dear Bobbi, This is a though one. Your wife knows about your desire to crossdress but is not willing to accept it or accommodate. Seems to me that you two have to come to an agreement which is acceptable for both parties. Do you think it is possible to have a conversation with your wife to come to such an agreement? It all comes down to the question whether your wife is willing to allow you to crossdress and under what conditions. The conversation should cover aspects like frequency, location, the use of her clothes, if she want’s to see… Read more »
Sylvia,
Thanks so much for your advice. She does not tolerate any of my dressing desires, as I have tried to explain to her what it means to me, how I will abide by her boundaries, but it is still a no go. I try to explain to her to how it makes me feel not to dress, but she still wants nothing of it. It is very frustrating.
Hugs,
Bobbi Anne
Hi Bobbi Anne. I am so sorry that you are going through all this. Everyone goes through different journeys. Mine has been no less complicated. Something to remember when it comes down to it too is; It is something it took me a long time to realise after years of being there for everyone and having to push my inner female aside constantly. You are important. You are a good person. You do deserve to be able to have time to yourself and enjoy life the way you see it. Please remember to think of yourself and communicate your needs… Read more »
Tracey, Thank you so much for the kind words, and the love you send. You have been a very supportive friend and I have loved chatting with you in the chat rooms. I try to get the time to myself sometimes, but she makes it so hard. She knows that when I get that time what I want to do, so she tries to make sure I don’t get the time. We really look like we are headed towards splitting up, and I know if we do, then we will both think of what is best for our children. Thanks… Read more »
Bobbi Anne I can relate somewhat to your situation. My wife is aware I dress and we have talked about it on several occasions but she wants nothing to do with my dressing. I don’t think I can add much to the comments from the other girls except one lesson I learned long ago living in a coed coliege dormitory and confirmed raising a daughter. Most women don’t lIke anyone wearing or using their stuff without her permission. Whether you looked better in the dress may be minor to the fact you borrowed it without asking. Respecting her space can… Read more »
Katie,
Thank you. I never thought of that angle of looking at it. I did wear that dress without her permission (obviously… LOL), and I know I wouldn’t want her wearing my stuff if she ever wanted to. I will see what giving a heartfelt apology for wearing it without her permission does and the promise not to wear anything that belongs to her again.
Thank you again for your advice,
Bobbi Anne
Bobbi Anne-a few thoughts: 1) agree that wearing her dress without permission was a boundaries issue and a valid complaint on her part 2) agree that it can be very difficult for a spouse to accept the dressing- don’t know how I would handle it if I were in her shoes(full disclosure- am a closeted crossdresser exploring her options regarding gender issues who my end up going farther and possibly transition in the future–and my ex was neither accepting nor at all tolerant of my dressing)-i think the idea of sitting down and discussing and negotiating “rules/guidelines" to accommodate your… Read more »
Cyn, Thank you so much for your thoughts. I have apologized many times now for wearing her dress without permission, and after the last blow up 2 nights ago, the dress is now mine according to her. She never wants to see it again. She also said she wants me go back to counseling, but says she still doesn’t need it as she thinks ‘normal’. I am looking to go back to counseling, as I need to get more than just my marriage and crossdressing right in my head. If it ends up that we split, I want to make… Read more »
Ya know, Bobbi, Everyone has given you good advice and mine won’t really vary much. There are two things that bother me about this whole matter though. Lets skip that you wore her dress without permission, hell even I have done that but never left any photo evidence about, The most disturbing thing to me, and a definite indication you both need to see a counselor, is that she first gets you mad and then brings out a laundry list of past things with which she is unhappy. I disagree with her because of this. She is not fine. You… Read more »
Rosaliy Lynne, I am and always have been somewhat submissive by nature, and have pretty much through the entire marriage given and done what she has wanted to keep her happy. It has been that way with probably every girlfriend I have ever had before her too. As far as my crossdressing goes, I brought it up to her after about a year of marriage, trying to spice some things up in the bedroom, by coming to bed in a babydoll and a pair of panties (back then I was shaving my body do to cycling – I got into… Read more »
Bobbi Anne
All I can think of after what all the others have said is your wife has been the only women in you life. Now Bobbi Anne is in your life’s now and she might feel were does she fit in. Make her feel that she is still the only women in your life, and that Bobbi Ann is a part of you. Try to convince her she is in no way to blame for your crossdressing.
I hope you and your wife can work it out.
Rachel
Rachel,
Thank you for your thoughts and well wishes. I have tried to convince her about not being to blame about the crossdressing, and she says she knows she is not the blame. She puts it all on me that it is a choice, which it is not.
Thanks again for your thoughts.
Hugs,
Bobbi Anne
Dear Bobbi Anne, I’m sorry for the pain both you and your wife are feeling concerning your crossdressing. Full disclosure: I have never been married or lived with a woman. Many wives or girlfriends that are unaccepting of their man’s crossdressing have two big fears … 1) is he gay?; 2) does he want to transition to living as a woman 24/7? (including possible HRT [Hormone Replacement Therapy} and/or SRS [Sex Reassignment Surgery] ). Number 1 is simply ignorance that gender identity and sexual orientation are separate entities. Number 2 is not knowing whether her man is a crossdresser or… Read more »
Bobbie Ann, Aside from the obvious already discussed item of never taking any of a wife’s things, and that includes jewelry as well, you might want to read this article by Pandora on Sister House http://www.sisterhouse.net/familyroom/2013/11/10/how-your-crossdressing-changes-your-wifes-opinion-of-you/#post-615 and then the article by Terri Lee Ryan on the 10 reasons wives divorce their CD husbands. Her statement that it is your problem, not her problem is all telling and not good. The cat is out of the bag so there is no hiding the fact that you crossdress, but try and make it as invisible as possible to her. Suggest telling her… Read more »