This is my question and I don’t really have any advice. I can write a lengthy article about my history, but my history is now starting over.

It started over when my dear sweet wife of forty-two years died last summer. I never “officially” had a sit down discussion with my wife of my life long obsession with wearing women’s nylon stockings and garter belts. It came out rather early in our courting days. I actually did ask her if I could have a pair of her panties that were worn out and at the same time a pair of her pantyhose that had damage to them. I didn’t exactly tell her why I wanted them, but she was kind enough to let me have them without much discussion.

She knew that I loved her deeply and she was willing to do a really nice favor to her boyfriend and future fiancee. Time went along and we made love many times and explored each others feelings, ambitions, and dreams of things to come. We courted for two years and then we got married.

My love realized that I had a pretty strong “fetish” but did not interrogate me about my private habits, but my private habits did find their way out into our marriage. My sweet understanding wife once caught me in a awkward moment of dressing for work. I accidentally dropped my male trousers while in our walk-in closet and she saw me in my garter belt and stockings.

She expressed concern for me, but not judgment for what I was wearing. She was instead expressing anxiety about the risk I was taking of being discovered at work. I quickly changed out, but only that time. I would go back to my regular routine, and she reluctantly accepted that I had a limited female wardrobe of nylons and garter belts.

My beloved wife wanted so much to please me that she bought stockings and garter belts for herself. She did this because she wanted to please me and she knew making love with both of us dressed would be a crowning joy for me. I always shed my “lady things” soon after our intimacy, before we went to sleep. That was our pattern, until she became so ill that our love making came to an end.

We still kissed and hugged, up until the end of her life. Now I am trying to piece together my everyday life as a retired guy who still wants to dress up and has no one left in the world to share with. What do I do now, dear sweet readers? When, and if, I come up with answers, I will share my thoughts with you. I hope this article provokes an opportunity for thought and examination for all of us.

What do you do when you lose that one person who understood and accepted you for who you are?

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13 Comments
  1. Linda,
    As someone whose ex-wife was NOT tolerant of m dressing, I don;t have any great answers for you. It sounds like you had a wonderful wife and I am certain you miss her very much. I THINK i I had been in a position as you are, I would continue to dress and dedicate it to her memory. Given my proclivity to writing, I would probably write a letter to her telling her about it(though she won’t be able to physically read it, I feel certain she will know what you are saying. Just my two cents worth and my condolences on the loss of your wife.
    Cyn

    • Linda Roach 3 years ago

      Thank you Skippy. You are very kind. I enjoy your writing. Linda

  2. Tiffany Anne 3 years ago

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing, and I hope that you do find peace.

    • Linda Roach 3 years ago

      Hi Tiffany Anne, Thank you for your kind thoughts. Linda

    • Linda Roach 3 years ago

      Thank you Tiffany Anne. You are so kind. Love, Linda

  3. JaneS 3 years ago

    When we have a supportive spouse, whether that support is limited to accepting that we dress in secret at home or if it includes outings together as girlfriends, we come to rely on them to make us ‘complete’. My wife was hesitant at first, mostly through a total lack of knowledge and understanding, but as time went on she saw how my being ‘out’ to her actually strengthened our marriage as we worked together to determine just where we were headed. Like your wife, mine was more concerned how discovery by others would affect me but these days she also no longer cares what others think of me or her.

    No doubt each time you put on your garter and stockings you’ll be reminded of the great lady your wife was. That is something you can treaure until the end of your days. In time perhaps you’ll find someone else to share your pleasure with but only you will know if and when you might be ready for that.

    For now, embrace the love you had for each other and the fun times you enjoyed. That’s the best way to remember a loved one.

    Best wishes.

    Jane

  4. Rosaliy Lynne 3 years ago

    wow. not an easy question either to ask or answer. Clearly you had a great life with a very special woman. You will cherish these things forever. IN time, the pain of loss will grow less. Perhaps you will talk to her or even write to her. No matter what, though, you will do the only thing you can; cherish the memories and go on.

    I wish you luck and my condolences

    • Linda Roach 3 years ago

      Thank you Rosaliy Lynne, You are sweet and thoughtful. Bless you, Linda

  5. Linda,

    A beautiful and heartfelt sharing. You had a relationship that most of us can only dream about. How wonderful it would be to share our entire selves with another. While it may only be a once in a lifetime opportunity, if at all, it doesn’t mean that someone might not come along to ease your pain and boost you up. I once belonged to a group of fellow CD’s and gained some much needed grounding. After my divorce (because of Brina) I allowed myself to emerge completely into the persona I’d been working so hard at my entire life to banish. She saved me, gave me hope, and taught me more about myself and the whole person I should be. Twelve years later, I still haven’t found someone to share my life with (I had another 7 year relationship where Brina was never discussed in the middle), but I have become a happier person and more tolerant of myself and others.

    I can only wish you hope, pray for happier days ahead, and offer my condolences on your loss. Stay strong,

    Brina

    • Linda Roach 3 years ago

      Thank you, Brina, for your kind words. Love Linda

  6. Brenda_an 3 years ago

    Birds of a feather. I lost my wife of forty years, a couple of years ago.
    Seems I’m the only one, that beat a path to her grave site almost everyday.
    It doesn’t get much easier, even though I now belong to a couple of sites…a local
    crossdresser group. It’s just not the same.

    Everynight a say my prayers, it always seems to end with
    me looking up at a lone tree in the back yard….
    “I miss you”.

    ****

    Oh sure, I’m half crazy.
    wearing a pretty two piece casual summer set from La Vie en Rose,
    (dual Spaghetti straps on bare shoulders, looks good, on this slim body.)
    Strappy two inch sandals are so comfy for the morning in the gazebo……
    Just did my toes nails this morning in an old fashion Dark Red.
    (nobody wears that shade anymore.)

    But I’m 72 now, and invisible to the world.
    (That is apart from you Linda Roach and myself)…
    we have our own version of
    what is real.
    Hugs and Kisses, fellow Widower.

    • Linda Roach 3 years ago

      Hi Brenda, I just now discovered your lovely note to me. It was very kind of you to reach out to me. I would love to get to know more about you and your life. We are not alone. Please reply, I need to hear your friendly voice. Love to you from Linda, fellow widower

  7. jean cherub 1 year ago

    Such a beautiful story. Hope you are doing well .

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