The last transgender christmas

I must apologize in advance for the somber mood of this post, especially since it comes on a day meant to be filled with joy and love. Before I begin though, I want to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a blessed holiday season. I pray that those you love are close to you, and the memories you make today will shine a light of warmth in your heart for years to come.

This is our last Christmas. It’s a dim shadow of Christmases past. There is no Christmas tree or decorations, no holiday lights have been hung and no gifts are waiting to be shared. The cold, damp outside the window expresses the gray emptiness of this last Christmas. The final note in nearly a decade of song slowly dies, leaving behind a sad echo of what it once was.

After the pain, and hurt. After the anger and resentment. After the tears and mourning. There is only a deep, empty melancholy.
This is the moment I avoided all my life. This is my death I hoped to escape.  This is the womb of my birth.

I’ll leave you now, with words that never fail to bring me to tears. Words from a song that itself could almost have been discarded. Ten minutes beyond the last track that seemed filled with silence, on an obscure CD by a band from South Africa called MIC. The song with no name, from the album Stories From a Dry Land.

I drowned in your eyes
The waters washed over me
The trees aren’t as green
The snow isn’t white

Like sunshine on my face
Or twelve roses in winter
When life comes from the sand
You rise to the heavens

And don’t close your eyes
It’s all I’ve got
To see the truth that’s inside
The window of your heart x2

I reach into your soul
The flowers were white and gold
The way your eyes move
Is the telling of the truth

And don’t close your eyes
It’s all I’ve got
To see the truth that’s inside
the window of your heart x2

It’s so easy for me
to think that I know
What’s going on in your head

Only time will tell
The meaning of love
But by that time I’ll be dead

So don’t close your eyes
It’s all I’ve got
To see the truth that’s inside
The window of your heart x2

And don’t close your eyes
It’s all I’ve got
To see the truth that’s inside
Your heart
To see the truth that’s inside
Your heart

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6 Comments
  1. Stace 9 years ago

    I’m so sorry that you’re last Christmas is like this…

    Wishing you the best for next year…

    Stace

  2. Sally 9 years ago

    I’m so sorry to hear things have soured, especially since your beautiful Thanksgiving day post. Here’s to a new year and better things ahead.

    Hugs,
    Sally

  3. Pjmacaw 9 years ago

    Venessa not sure how to read this? Is it like your last one as your old self or with family or what, I am confused. In any case I hope & pray for a brighter next year. As I too am in the midst of trabsition so I kind of know how you feel. Keep us posted & may it be as Merry as possible! Hugs…Teresa

    • Leslee_33333 9 years ago

      I’m experiencing something very similar myself so I know how you feel. I just take it one day at a time and heep going.Time goes on but with different perspectives. Leslee

  4. Joan Brooks 9 years ago

    Vanessa, while you prepare to cross that great bridge of transition, always remember in your heart your lifes partner of almost a third of a century. Who selflessly stood by your side and always held you up to the best of her ability, is at this time herself undertaking a heartbreaking transition not of her making. always find space in your heart to reach back to her, and help her transition into a great unknown herself. And be ready to catch her if she falters. May you both remain soulmate sisters at the least. And may God bless you both.

    Joan Brooks

  5. Carol Ann 9 years ago

    Its a fact that spouses rarely stay on once the trip is started. Move on, and forget the past. Put it out of your mind. It will only be like rubbing salt in a wound. Do it, youll be happier, and more positive. The hell is only beginning. Youll make it though, we who have been through it can attest to that! Things will get better, Carol

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