The untold story of Lily-Rose
Hi, all lovely ladies at Crossdresser Heaven. I’ve only been a member for a short time. I’ve been learning so much about myself. I’ve never considered myself being transgender, until now, even though I’ve been transgender all my life. Now I’m proud of it. It’s such a lovely feeling to walk around with a big smile on my face. Luckily, nobody has asked me why I’m smiling; what shall I answer them? I will just tell them I feel good!
There’s so many pieces falling into place. I started dressing up at my grandma’s when I was about 4 years old. There’s even a photo of me, from that occasion, somewhere. When I was around 10 and I was home sick, I locked myself in in my parents’ bedroom and put on my mother’s nylon stockings and bra and something I don’t remember over that.
At first my dressing was in my mother’s clothes and then when I got my own apartment, I bought the clothes that I loved for myself. From mail order to eventually going to the stores myself, it was a little bit scary worrying at what the salesperson might say about a boy buying woman’s clothes? I soon learned that they didn’t say anything and let me buy without any questions.
Not so long ago I bought a skirt and the saleswoman asked me if I wanted to try it on, I was so startled about being asked. “Me, No,” I said and paid for the skirt and left. I should’ve said, “Yes Please.” How would she had reacted if I’d said that.
All my life, it’s been easy to have girls as friends. Until I was 12, I think most of my friends were girls. As a teenager, I found it difficult to get girlfriends. They loved me as a friend, but not as my girlfriend. I continued to have plenty of girls as friends, sometimes very good friends, you know like really best friends, but nothing closer.
When I was 18, I was very much in love with a girl, but the same thing happened there as well. Eventually, I did find a woman with whom I fell in love with. When we moved in together, I tossed away all my women’s clothing. Just before I threw them away, she found a plastic bag with worn out stockings and asked what that was in front of her children. I managed to explain to her that I had them for polishing shoes, which in fact they are very good at.
It went well for a while with me not dressing up. We were married for around 17 years. I missed dressing up, so I started borrowing her clothes when I was alone at home. I went abroad to work for 6 months. While I was there, I bought women’s clothing again. That went well because nobody knew me. I took all the clothes home with me and thought I’d hidden them well. My wife found out and all hell broke loose.
At the time I somehow managed to rescue our marriage, but it was never the same again and eventually we got divorced (I don’t know if it was because of me crossdressing.) I began to buy women’s clothing again, only this time more seriously. I have more women’s clothing than I think most women do. I’m not at all interested in looking and buying male clothes and have never been. I can look at women’s clothing for hours and even buy fashion magazines.
I wasn’t off the hook yet. I was foolish enough to take photos of myself in a ball gown with my phone. I deleted the photos but forgot to erase them form the folder “erased.” My son, 20 at that time, wanted to copy the photos from my phone. Now, for the second time all hell broke loose when he saw in the ball gown. Somehow, I managed to ease his mind, and I had to promise to “never do it again”. We all know my obedience with that promise. We are still talking, though I think that he suspects that I am still dressing up.
Now, I look back at my life and understand why I was like that, me being just friends with the girls. Somehow, I think they saw me as a woman, in essence maybe. The term transgender did not exist where I lived in the 1970’s and 80’s. We were called transvestites and not in a kind way. I have come to terms with being transgender. Of course, I realize now that I’ve always been transgender. I really like it because that’s who I am!
I’ve learned to differentiate between gender and sexual preference. I consider myself to be a MTF Transgender who is attracted to women only. At first, it was a very weird feeling. I thought “transgender lesbian – can you really be that?” But after a lot thinking and looking back and analyzing my life, it fits perfectly.
I wonder if my friends would understand the real reason that I have lost a lot of weight lately. It’s because I want to fit into a dress on order from the internet; I’m I bit too large to at the moment. Do all girls behave like this?
This is my way of coming out, sharing it with you. I believe there’s more to come now that all pieces have fallen into place. I want to get better at doing makeup and to learn how to dress for going out either alone or with others to accompany me. My greatest wish would be to find a woman who would accept me. It might take pure luck to find such a woman.
I have recently “created” my female alter ego Lily-Rose. She has her own apple-id, exists on Facebook, twitter, and Instagram. She even has her own phone number. So much more is instore for this lovely woman, who is me.
Lily-Rose
Lily-Rose,
Thank you for opening your heart and sharing your story!
Hugs,
Kay
Hi
It felt so soothing to write the article and to express my feelings to all of you at CDH. A lot has happened sice I I wrote the article. I have come out to my siblings and to the girls at work and I have referral to psychiatry regarding me being transgender and the gender dysphoria I feel. Sometimes I get real anxiety attacks. But they don’t come very often since I’ve come out to the people close to me, including my son
Hugs
Lily-Rose
Thanks for sharing, nice to hear your feeling much better and heading in a direction you feel good about!
Thank you
As you can see in my answer to Kay a lot has happened since I wrote the article. Thank you for reading my story
Hi Lily Rose thanks for sharing your story with us x
Being transgender is not looked on as it once was people today are more accepting of it now than they used to be, back in the 1970’s and 1980’s when i was growing up you was considered weird and a pervert if you liked wearing women’s clothing that’s why i and lot’s of people like us kept it the closet x
Well done for coming out to your friends and family i wish i had the courage to come out to mine x
Hugs Rozalyne x
Hi
Thanks for reading my story. You are so very right in what you say about being trans in the 70s and 80s. It’s why it tool me so long to finally accept that I’m trans, I really wish I could have done that a long time ago. When I came out to the girls that I’m working very close to they said “just that" or “I’m not surprised". No big deal and everything is back to normal at work as if nothing has happened.
Lots of Hugs
Lily-Rose
Thank you so much for sharing your story Lily-Rose. So many of our stories are so similar in so many places. For me my grown kids know but do’t want to see or talk about it. So far Iv’e told 2 of my 4 brothers and they seem to be accepting. One of them has a son who came out as trans about 4 years ago so it would follow he would be more accepting. It is one of my goals to come out to the other 2 in the next few months. My desire is do this face to… Read more »
Hi Sandy
Thanks for reading my story. I totally agree to you that the people that I came out to I want to do it face to face. The only exception to that is my son, I don’t remember why but we were talking on the phone and it felt so natural to tell him. All he said is “I’m proud of you dad coming out as transgender". But I agree, it very difficult to come out to people ’cause you never know how they will react.
Lots of hugs
Lily-Rose
Lily thank you for sharing. What a great story. I had the chance to come out when I was very young and couldn’t. Now it will never happen. Love Abby
Thank you for reading my story. This autumn I suffered from gender dysphoria so bad that my closest coworkers, all girls, started to ask what was wrong with me. At that point I decided that I don’t want to live a lie any longer. So I came out to them on a meeting we had. And their reaction was not dramatic at all, wich I believe most people coming out fear, you don’t know their reaction beforehand. Any way all they said was “just that, I was worried you had cancer or something else serious" or “I’m not surprised". When… Read more »
Oh sweetie I’m so proud and so happy for you. Also don’t take this the wrong way please but I’m also so jealous. Like I said I had the chance to come out when I was very young and didn’t. That was also early 70s , if that was today with the internet I probably would have. I also totally understand about the dysphoria, it happens to me. I can never transition these days, so when it hits I have to get en femme. Love Abby
Now all I can do is wait to see what the doctors will say, they might consider me too old to go into transition. But anyway they can say whatever they want but I’m transgender and there is nothing they can do about that. And now I’m proud of myself finally accepting being transgender. It made my life easier to understand. And I will always crossdress
Hugs
Lily-Rose
Oh sweetie congrats on the self acceptance. I’m sure the doctors start your transition. I know you will be sooo happy Feel free to hit me up here anytime. Love Abby
Lily thanks for the story and for been you there are so many on this site that are just like you
Thanks
Rebecca
Hi Rebecca Thanks for reading my story. I’ve always known that I’m not alone crossdressing. But after joining CDH I have found out that there are a lot of girls that has the very same story as me. And we who were raised in the 60s and 70s were taught that a man dressing in woman’s clothing is weird or/and a freak. Nothing good about that. All that has been hanging with me my whole life, until this autumn when I decided to come out as mtf transgender. I haven’t met anyone that has been surprised, so sometimes I believe… Read more »
Thank you for sharing your story. I have also been more comfortable around women and most of my good friends through my life have been female. I’m new to being transgender, even though I’m now 52. My wife knows, I came out to her the day after I came out to myself. After a rocky first two weeks she’s fine with me dressing and even wearing makeup, but at this point I’m strictly in the closet with everyone else.
Hi Diana Thanks for reading my story. As I wrote I’ve known that am transgender my whole life, but when I was young it was definately not OK to be trans. You were considered a freak if you dressed in woman’s clothing. So I have suppressed the thought of being transgender. But I have always been thinking that I was transgender. And as I think I wrote I’ve been thinking “Me, no I’m not trans" until a day this autumn I couldn’t contain it within myself anymore, I got real anxiety attacks and wasn’t feeling god at all. My coworkers… Read more »
Lily-Rose; Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m sorry to hear your marriage didn’t survive her learning about your dressing. It certainly is something which doesn’t go away, I really believe the need to dress is somehow wired into us. It is so good that you are finally finding yourself after so long. Unfortunately that is also common to so many of us, myself included. For I rather wish that I had found my femme identity sooner in life. Fortunately there is a great deal more acceptance and understanding of trans and gender fluid folks, even if we… Read more »
Hi Amy Thank you for reading my story. I agree it’s strange that other people can tell us how to behave. It’s me and I’m transgender, nobody can do anything about it. And that’s who I’ve been all my life. I think compelling evidence is the reaction I got from my coworkers. They barely reacted at all, just saying “I’m not surprised". And that’s the way it has been all my life. Somehow, without knowing why, subconsciously they “read" me as a woman. And some of the girls thought I was so feminine they thought I was gay. It’s just… Read more »
I wish you well on your journey, Lily-Rose!
Hi Lily-Rose,
I loved your story. I am sure many have experienced similar challenges.
Maybe someday you will be able to concur you reluctance to be seen.
It truly is extraordinary to get out in the world as the you.
Be safe.
Luv ya,
Jodi
Hi Jodi Thanks for reading my story. I know I’m not alone with my story, I’ve learned that many transgender/crossdresser have experienced the same as me. And it’s “remarkable" that many of us is feeling exactly the same, no matter where in the world you come from. I will certainly go public someday soon. It’s a matter of self confidence, I have never liked what I see in the mirror, and I’m not the only one to think like this. You know, I have dreamed of being in public as a woman since I was a teenager. So I have… Read more »
Thank you for your story.
Since I came out myself, I’ve realised that although we are so different to each other, we are at the same time so similar. Many of the things you have experienced are common to myself and others. I wish you well on your journey and it fills my heart with joy that you are on the right path and feeling so good about yourself.
Carla x
Hi Carla Thanks for reading my story. I completely agree with that we are so different and yet so similar. And I know that my story is absolutely not unique. Here on CDH I’ve read a lot of “bio’s" and I have learned so much about myself by doing that. I’ve had many aha moments while reading. And I really felt relieved when coming out my closest coworkers and siblings. But I work at a big hospital as a nurse and the OR I’m working on is really big, the staff is approximately 150 induviduals working around the clock. So… Read more »