Categories: Crossdresser Support

Crossdresser Shame – Secrecy, Silence and Judgment

Categories: Crossdresser Support
Comments: 14 Comments
Published on: June 4, 2012

Today I was listening to a TED talk on shame by Brene Brown. She said, “If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgement. If you put the same shame in a petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive. The two most powerful words when we’re in struggle: me too.”

I got shivers up my spine as I thought about my transgender experience. Shame has been a constant companion through my journey, it has haunted me even as I asked the question of my readers,  “Are you ashamed of being a crossdresser” and even when I stand on the mountaintop victorious over shame I’m aware that it still bides it’s time, hoping for an insurrection of my spirit.

Secrecy

Those in the transgender community know secrecy well. It has been our bed fellow since before we knew what it meant. Growing up in secrecy we hid our feelings. As we blossomed into adulthood we desperately fought to keep our deepest darkest from others. Like a cancer from within, secrecy ate our souls.

Silence

Like twin demons dancing down the path to despair, silence and secrecy skip hand in hand. Our desire for secrecy kept us silent, and the silence of the community kept others silent. A lot has changed in the last 10 years. The voices of those who can no longer embrace secrecy has sent a cry of hope out into the silence. This was the reason I started Crossdresser Heaven. At first it was my cry for help – to myself, to understand what I was going through. Then it became my cry of hope – small though it may be, I added my voice to the chorus of those offering advice, encouragement and solace. I told my transgender story. I shared your transgender stories.

Judgement

Yet judgement wandered among us still – the judgement of our hearts, the judgement of those with little understanding or care. They condemned us as sinners, as heathens and accused us of all manner of debauchery. They stripped down our identity to a single word, erasing all our good deeds and contributions to hang the sign, “Transgender” around our necks. For many the shame was so strong that we bowed our heads and wore this brand as if it were tattooed on our hearts.

Empathy

It does not need to be this way. We do not need to hide in secret, weep in silence or cower at the judgement foisted upon us. Dear readers, lovely ladies and beautiful kindred spirits, I understand your walk. I know your shame, I feel your struggle, and I hold your hand as you get back up one more time. We are here together. Alone they can isolate us, ridicule us. Together we are strong. Together we can change laws and melt hearts. Together we can find comfort and share warmth.

Together we can pour the salve of empathy on shame. Dousing it so thoroughly that no secrecy, or silence, or judgement can ever infect the beauty of who we are created to be. For all those who have not heard it yet, today I say to you, “me too.“.

Gathering the courage to crossdress for the first time

Categories: Crossdresser Support
Comments: 24 Comments
Published on: May 7, 2012

You’ve been telling yourself for weeks that you’re going to do this. Debating with yourself, arguing with yourself, justifying why you didn’t go this weekend. Every time it ends with a promise that next time, next week, next month will be different. Yet somehow things don’t seem to change. You find that wearing your feminine finery at home doesn’t seem to satisfy a deeper longing inside you anymore. For a brief moment you wonder, “Am I cured?” Of course, you already know the answer to that question.

What stops you from crossdressing?

What stops you from crossdressing?

What stops you from crossdressing?

I don’t mean just crossdressing within the safe confines of your own home. I mean going out crossdressed for the first time. I mean gathering up all your self confidence and strutting out the door looking the best you ever have. Boldly going where very few other men have gone before.

Today I’m going to share a few reasons why you might be putting off such an important step, and how you can overcome your barriers to crossdressing.

You have nowhere to go: This is probably the number one reason why people don’t go out crossdressed – because you don’t think that you have anywhere to go, somewhere that is safe, where you won’t be recognized, and someplace that you can enjoy. Just before my transition I used to spend every weekend in a park just round the corner from my house. It was my sanctuary. I was able to be myself for a few hours, enjoy the sunshine with little fear of being outed. It was a safe place for me, and helped me build my confidence to go other places. You might find a local transgender meeting group (also a safe place), or a transgender friendly club or restaurant (your local transgender organization will know of a few) or if you’re fortunate enough – with a group of your friends who are accepting.

You’re afraid: Fear comes in many forms. Fear that you’ll make a fool of yourself, fear that someone will recognize you, fear that you won’t pass and get into trouble. Since I have readers from all over the world it’s worth noting that you should take the time to understand local laws. Generally across the US, Europe and Australia it is not illegal to crossdress. The biggest antidote to fear is experience. Do it a few times and you’ll gain confidence. Spend a few hours en femme and you’ll build the habits and mannerisms that serve you well as you venture further out. Most importantly, start with a place that feels safe to you. Take baby steps.

You look horrific: Honestly sweetie, you don’t look that bad. This is a legitimate worry, since learning to be feminine takes time and practice. Even then many ladies aren’t blessed with the figure to pass there are still things you can do to improve your chances of passing in public. I’ve known many wonderful ladies who didn’t pass, but held their heads high and walked down the street like they belonged. Confidence is the difference between someone pointing and laughing, or someone coming over to chat with you because they find you generally intriguing.

So what stops you from crossdressing?

Hopefully with the few examples I’ve given you, you can see that it’s not the world that stops you from crossdressing, but yourself. Take a moment to think about what’s been holding you back, perhaps this weekend will be different…

Are there other reasons I missed? Please comment and let me know what has held you back, and how you overcame it. This will be a blessing to others just starting out!


P.S. Thank you to all the ladies who responded with their crossdressing success stories! I received them, I’ll reply individually soon. If you’d like to share, please submit your crossdressing success story.

Be True to Yourself in 2012

Categories: Crossdresser Support
Comments: 3 Comments
Published on: January 14, 2012

The new year has been underway for a few weeks, ushering out an old year with any regrets and sadness and welcoming a fresh opportunity at living. If you’re like most, your New Year’s resolutions are already becoming but a faded memory as the reality of the year ahead sets in. There’s deadlines at work, drama at home and a deep sense of unease that everything will be just the same this year as last year.

Truth in Crossdressing

Truth in Crossdressing

For those of you who crossdress the new year may be an even more tense time. Perhaps you’ve sworn off crossdressing, or at least promised to keep it to once a month. Perhaps you’ve finally committed to sharing your secret with a loved one, or taking an outing in public for the first time. All of these commitments to yourself can be an important part of your growth and discovery. Even if sacrifice and denial is in vain, the learning gained by the experience can prove priceless for future decisions.

My lovely readers, as you may know this last year has been full of new, terrifying and exciting experiences. I had facial feminization surgery and gender reassignment surgery, which have stretched my emotional and physical tolerances. While my spirit has been filled, for many months my energy has flagged and returned only to flag once more. All through this experience I’ve learnt many things, but one in particular I’d like to share with you:

Be True to Yourself

It’s easy to get caught up in what others want or expect. To set aside your own desires or even your integrity to please someone else. In the moment it may seem to bring peace, or to offer a short glimpse of happiness, but in the end it will erode your soul. I fought against becoming myself for many years. I was driven by fear, the expectations of society and the desire to make my now ex wife happy. Every day I sacrificed a piece of my soul just to keep the status quo. And every day the sacrificial demands go larger, and the status quo a grim shadow of it’s former self.

I’ve had some rough times emotionally, as many do recovering from surgery, but I have never for one second doubted that I did the right thing. It’s as if I had placed a desperate gamble and won back all of my soul I had so carelessly bartered away. I was true to myself, completely. Many didn’t like it. I lost a wife, lost some “friends” and gained myself. And new friends, and new opportunities.

This time of year is delicate – you’re just getting over regret at having slipped up on a resolution or two, but I implore you to make room for one more commitment this year. Be True to Yourself. Whatever that means for you. It’s okay to purge and sacrifice if that’s being true. It’s okay to go out in public, even make a fool of yourself, if that’s being true. It’s okay to step out on the ledge and share with someone else, if that’s being true.

I believe that very few of us have an opportunity to live an authentic life. Join me in 2012, and live your authentic life.

Namaste.


Photo courtesy of Alaskan Dude

 

A Few More Great Travelling Tips for Crossdressers

Categories: Crossdresser Support
Comments: 2 Comments
Published on: October 4, 2011

My last post entitled 3 Steps to Successfully Crossdressing in a Foreign City generated some interesting discussion on Google+, and a few new ideas I wanted to share with you (thanks Blaire!). If you haven’t already, please take a moment to follow me on Google+. You’ll get to see the discussion and other transgender news I share (such as the recent change in WPATH guidelines for transition)

So, You Want  To Crossdress in Another City?

  1. Imagine your femme fatal: Think about what you’d feel like wearing, and pack a few different outfits like that. If your mood shifts, you’ll be prepared – after all, the extra blouse or skirt doesn’t take up that much extra space.
  2. Buy a travel makeup kit: Practice with your travel makeup kit of choice beforehand. Along with some travel brushes it will take up much less space, and be coordinated so you can get ready in a flash.
  3. Keep your shoes in boxes: Never underestimate the potential of the spare room inside the box! Also useful if you prefer your shoes aren’t squashed :)
  4. Use foam breast forms: They’re much lighter than silicon forms, and much less likely to trigger alarms on security scanners. They are also more durable.
  5. Don’t get deported (or worse!): If you’re travelling internationally be sure you understand the local laws. Don’t be part of the crossdresser group that got themselves deported from Dubai on arrival, or gad about in Saudi Arabia where you could be executed for crossdressing.
  6. Scope out your destination on the net: Any place with a good TG community will be accessible on the web – Google for “<city> transgender club” or a similar variation to get in contact with the locals.

Lastly, Ana brings up a great point that you need not travel across the country to get all the benefits of crossdressing in a foreign city. Sometimes a short 30 minute drive is enough to significantly reduce the changes of an unfortunate encounter.

Have fun girls!

3 Steps to Successfully Crossdressing in a Foreign City

Categories: Crossdresser Support
Comments: 1 Comment
Published on: September 28, 2011

I’ve spent the last week with a friend in California. It’s been wonderful to get away from home, spend time with friends and decompress from my last surgery before heading in to my next one (22 days until SRS!). I’ve also enjoyed seeing the local attractions around Hollywood and Santa Monica, and even overcame my fear of skimpy swimsuits by wearing a bikini to the beach. The day was gorgeous and the sea far too inviting to miss out.

Travel for a great crossdressing vacationThis got me thinking a bit more about the many ladies I’ve corresponded with who wait with anticipation for travel to let their inner woman dance. For some the thought of crossdressing so close to home is enough to send chills down their spine. With breathless trepidation they ask, “What if someone I know sees me?”. And it’s all to easy to follow this line of thinking right into a catastrophe of life altering proportions.

The anonymity a foreign city provides can provide comfort and courage to the weary cross dresser. Though I warn you not to seek the sapid time en femme in a strange city without some forethought. Here are 3 steps to getting the most out of your cross dressing sojourn:

  1. Plan What You Will Do: It’s not as much fun spending the evening in your hotel room. Planning a few weeks in advance will ensure a memorable outing. Get in contact with local transgender organizations (there’s a great one in Seattle called the Emerald City). Ideally you’ll be able to make a meeting of the local chapter and join them for dinner and drinks – an out of town guest is always a treat! At the very least they’ll be able to tell you about transgender friendly parts of town you can enjoy. Another alternative is to contact an organization that provides cross dressing fantasies for a fee (in Seattle The Emerald Fantasy is one example. This might cost you a bit, but will ensure a magical cross dressed evening.
  2. Plan Your Outfits: Since you need to fit everything in a suitcase you can’t take your whole wardrobe with you. Put together outfits for each day or night out a few days in advance. Don’t forget jewelry and makeup. If you’re just finding your style try them on in the mirror before packing – there’s nothing worse than having places to go but nothing to wear.
  3. Get Confidence from Unfamiliar Surroundings: Remember, it’s likely that you’ll never see any of the people you meet again. Use this as an opportunity to be fabulous! Enjoy yourself and let fear take a back seat. If you drink, start your evening with a glass of wine at the hotel bar to get used to your femme self before sauntering out in the world.

There you have it ladies – there’s no excuse to put off your fantasy. Grab your suitcase and airline ticket and let your inner woman shine! Whether it’s an indulgent personal vacation or a few hours after a business trip you’ll be thankful for the time spent expressing yourself. Be safe, have fun and look forward to next time!


Photo courtesy of Duncan~

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