Crossdresser Support

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Going Out Crossdressed For The First Time

By Vanessa Law | Published December 20, 2009 | 51 Comments
nervous-crossdressing-first-time.jpg

Were you nervous the first time you crossdressed?

I’ll never forget my first time going out crossdressed, even though it’s almost eight years ago now. I had been dressing at home for many, many years and underdressing as often as I could, but I had never been out ‘en-femme’ before. A few weeks earlier I had joined a local crossdressing group and  had finally plucked up the courage to attend a Tri-Ess meeting.

In my infinite wisdom I thought it would be a good idea to go out crossdressed for the first time. I was conservative in my femininity – I wore a blue blouse over some slightly feminine jeans with a bra for my breastforms and just a dash of makeup. With trepidation I exited my apartment, eager to quickly make the trip down two flights of stairs to my car without being seen. Then as I step foot into the parking lot I’m confronted by

Cops, everywhere – and they’re after crossdressers!

And I’m dressed. They’ll notice my boobs and my feminine blouse. Oh God! Now I’ve gone and done it I knew I shouldn’t have dared to venture out crossdressed. I almost died of embarrassment right there. I knew I was going to get into trouble, or at least a stern rebuke.

As it turns out, the police officer wasn’t outside my apartment waiting for crossdressers and he didn’t pay me much mind. I got into my car without any problems, and was off to my first Tri-Ess meeting.

Over exaggerated fear of what will likely never happen. That’s what I experienced the first time I went out crossdressed, and I have a hunch that I’m not alone. Our worst fears rarely come to pass yet we spend so long dwelling on them. It’s only when we’re out in the moment that the fear can be replaced with the joy of expressing one’s feminine self.

Going Out Crossdressed For the First Time

A few weeks ago I was blessed to take my good friend Vicki on her first crossdressing expedition into the cisgender world. She had visited the Emerald City (a local transgender club in Seattle) before, but leaving the safety of an understanding transgender group was new for her. We started out the afternoon with lunch at Chinese restaurant that we had all to ourselves, and despite some interesting smiles from our hosts it was a great way to ease into crossdressing in public.

Vicki truly showed mastery of her nerves when she suggested a quick trip to the mall together. Dining in a deserted restaurant is one thing, walking through a crowded mall is quite another. It was wonderful to see the sense of joy and accomplishment in her face as she took a proud step forward into the world as her feminine persona.

What was you first time going out crossdressed like? Was it nerve wracking, exciting, joyous, liberating or something else entirely? I’d love to hear, comment and let me know.

51 Comments | Also posted in Vanessa's Transgender Experience | Tagged , | Trackback URL.

Where in the World Do You Crossdress?

By Vanessa Law | Published November 10, 2009 | 11 Comments
Where in the world do you crossdress?

Where in the world do you crossdress?

The Internet is a wonderful invention for crossdressers. It allows us to reach out and find a community without risking our families, our jobs or in some cases our lives.

Personally, I’ve been extremely blessed by the resources I’ve found on the Internet. It was how I found my first crossdressing support group, read my first crossdressing tips, and was able to share my crossdressing secret with the others.

I know that meeting people online is an inferior substitute to sharing your true self with another in person. It’s to this end that I’ve begun maintaining a database of crossdressing support groups throughout the world, and asking you to submit any transgender support groups you know about that aren’t listed.

No crossdressing support group?

In many countries like the US, Canada, Australia, UK and Germany we’re blessed to have so many support groups available to us. But what do you do if there is no crossdressing support group in you country?

I began pondering this question after a South African crossdresser left a comment looking for someone in her area. It can be lonely when there’s noone else to talk to, go shopping with, or just spend an evening dressed to the nines. If you live in a country that doesn’t have many crossdressing support groups I have an ask for you, but before we get there:

A word of caution about meeting other crossdressers

More than likely the person you’re going to meet is a wonderful lady who will be thrilled to form a new friendship with someone who shares her secret. However, there are some people who may have more nefarious intent. It could be someone who is looking to cause you harm, or an admirer who is looking to ‘hook up’ with a crossdresser. Always meet in a public place for the first time. If you’re still in the closet, agree to go in male mode and meet at a coffee shop or another place you know other people will be. Get to know each other over email or the phone before meeting face to face. You don’t have to do an FBI background check on the person, but you owe it to yourself to be careful.

Comment and find a friend nearby

Now to my ask. If you live in a country with no crossdressing support group and would like to find others in your area please leave a comment with your email address and the country/city you live in. Check back every few days to see if another crossdresser lives nearby. Who knows, you may make a great new friend.

With love,
Vanessa

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You Don’t Need Permission…

By Vanessa Law | Published September 22, 2009 | 8 Comments
Crossdresser Dont Need Permission

Crossdresser Don't Need Permission

A few weeks ago I attended church with Vicki and her wonderful family as Vanessa. It was the first time I’d gone to church as Vanessa, which was quite an experience itself. As much as I’d been yearning to worship God as Vanessa it took a few reassurances that I wouldn’t cause problems at the church, or make life difficult for Vicki and her family before I went. Despite what you may be thinking so far, this week’s post isn’t about going out dressed, or religion. It’ll make sense in a moment…

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the different denominations of Christianity (or religion itself) the traditions can vary quite widely. From casual music and a sermon all the way to a formal service with many scripted sections. The service I attended was more formal than I’d been to since college – which is neither a bad thing or a good thing. It did, however, get me thinking about authority.

Crossdressers Are Under Authority

Pretty much since we’re born we’re under authority. We have people telling us what we can and can’t do. Our parents, our teachers, our pastors. We’re trained to ask for permission before doing something as simple as using the bathroom. And woe to you if someone else has been granted permission just before you – there’s only so many hall passes to go around you know.

This system creates compliant drones ready to join the workforce and wait for a boss to tell them what to do and to set boundaries on what they can’t. This may be a fine way to manage society (though I have contrary views that are beyond the scope of a transgender column), but it is a terrible way to manage your emotions.

You Don’t Need Permission To Love Yourself!

As crossdressers we’re especially susceptible to the judgments of society. We look around waiting for someone to give us permission to be who we are. Perhaps it’s an understanding wife who lets you wear feminine undergarments at home, or a social organization, or a book you read. Yet for most of us, even with permission to crossdress we still feel ashamed of crossdressing.

Why is that? Why, even without the damnation of those closest to us, and the nearest liberal church do we still find it difficult to love ourselves? I think we’re waiting for permission. We’re waiting for someone to tell us that it’s okay to love ourselves. Just as we are. With all our failings and flaws that concealer can’t hide.

Stop Waiting!

You Don’t Need Permission To Love Yourself!

Decide today that you’re going to love yourself for who you are. Maybe you’re a crossdresser struggling to accept your feminine desires. Maybe you’re the wife of a crossdresser wondering where you failed? Maybe you’re too fat, or too poor, or have too few friends. None of that matters. Love yourself.

If you won’t do it without permission, then I give you permission to love yourself. Say it aloud now, ‘Vanessa gives me permission to love myself. I love myself for who I am.’.

Really. Say it. Your computer will contract a horrible virus and explode if you don’t say it loud enough so that I can hear you.

‘I love myself for who I am’

Did you check that your microphone was on? I could bare hear a mumbling from the other end. All I have are these words (and the ability to make your computer explode), so just say it. Do it because you’re afraid of the mess your computer will make if you don’t, or because you just want to move on to the next article, or because you have enough faith in yourself to know that only good can come from this.

‘I love myself for who I am’

You might just find that when you love yourself the world seems a bit brighter, and you have more love to share with others. You are beautiful just as you are. Thank you for joining me this week.

—
P.S. I don’t really have the ability to make your computer explode. However, if it  does explode I recommend you contact the manufacturer immediately and get your fabulous clothes far from harms way. Melted skirt is not a good look for you….

8 Comments | Also posted in Christianity and Crossdressing | Tagged , , , | Trackback URL.

Are You Ashamed Of Being a Crossdresser?

By Vanessa Law | Published September 3, 2009 | 85 Comments

Are You Ashamed of Crossdressing? Last week I got a resounding response when I touched on the topic of otherwise benign crossdressing websites displaying a warning. Perhaps, not so subtly asking the question – Are we ashamed of crossdressing?

I got a touching response from Michelle via email. She has kindly allowed me to share it with you:

But some of us are not proud of who we are at all.  I for one am VERY conflicted.  I really enjoy dressing up pretty and sometimes it is sexual, but sometimes it is not.  My wife, however, does not tolerate it at all, sexual or not, private or not.  I love my wife dearly, so when I do dress behind her back, I feel extremely guilty.  Sometimes the guilt is because I have been to websites that I should not have been to, and sometimes it is because I have indulged myself sexually (never with another person, just masturbating, but still) and I know that she would not be pleased.  Sometimes I wish that Michelle would just go away and not haunt me anymore.  But then, I am irresistibly drawn to do something later that I will regret.  I feel as though I have no power of myself.  But you are happy with who you are so you probably don’t understand me (and those like me) and I don’t even know why I am telling you all this.

Michelle showed bravery and honesty in sharing this with me. I know first hand the pain, self-loathing and confusion she expresses. The lack of control over your desires, wanting to fulfill your needs and to still love and respect your wife. These are not easy things to grapple with. Many people never have to deal with something so heart wrenching.

Michelle’s email is a beautiful expression of a truth many crossdressers live with, and it touched a chord with me. I thought I’d share my response to her with you, dear reader.

I spent much of my life believing that crossdressing was a curse, or worse – a sin I needed constant forgiveness for. Society and religion had convinced me that I was doing something wrong. If only I had enough will power, or enough faith, or a mastery of my emotional triggers – then I would be free of crossdressing. I was wrong for doing it, and I was weak for continuing. As much as I accomplished in my life I could never conquer crossdressing. I felt powerless, until I realized that I did have the power.

I could not change my desire to crossdress, any more than I could change my height or the color of my eyes. But I could change the meaning it held for me. Up until then I had viewed crossdressing as a cross I must bear, but what if it was truly a blessing? I couldn’t make society accept me, but what if I accepted myself?

With much introspection I asked myself – why should I be ashamed of crossdressing? At this question my mind flooded me with answers, most of which involved some variation of how other people would perceive me. I tend to agonize about what other people think, but crossdress or not, other people have perceptions of me – both positive and negative that I can influence but not control. Should I be ashamed because of what other people may think? For centuries people thought ill of another based on the color of their skin. Does that mean every person of color should feel ashamed? Absolutely not!

It took a long time, but I finally overcame this reason to be ashamed. Yet so many more reasons remained. One kept nagging me – ‘was this the most productive use of my time?’. Were the hours spent perfecting my makeup technique and shopping for clothes well spent? Perhaps not – though the same could be said for hitting a little white ball around with a stick.

The mind is cunning, next it asked, ‘What about your wife Vanessa? Surely your crossdressing must do harm to her, don’t you feel guilty about what you put her through?’ Ahh, well played mind. I do feel guilty about this. For my wife I want to be the man she deserves. I don’t agonize about the perceptions of the nameless stranger on the street, but I do care very deeply about what my wife thinks.

So I took a step back, and took stock of my ‘husbandry’. I crossdress, but I’m more caring and compassionate than most men. I wear makeup, but I treat her as my equal and respect her opinion. I’d rather get a manicure than tinker with a car, but I share my feelings and listen to her do the same. I realized that our relationship to another is more complex than a single issue. How fortunate a couple would be if crossdressing were the only issue to deal with. It doesn’t erase the guilt I feel putting her through this, but it does put it in perspective. Would your wife rather you spend every night drinking in the bar than crossdress? Likely not…

Sex has a unique way of making us feel guilty – we’re conditioned to be ashamed of our bodies almost since birth. In this case, perhaps you feel uncomfortable that your desire to crossdress is partly sexual. Even organizations like Tri-Ess try their best to separate crossdressing from sexuality. This is one I don’t feel qualified to unpack, though having a sex drive and becoming aroused is natural and healthy.

So is crossdressing a blessing? That’s something you get to decide for yourself. Personally, crossdressing has made me a better person. It has also allowed me a unique opportunity to share my acceptance with others. If I can offer just one person comfort and hope, then I’m doubly blessed in getting to share my blessing with others.

You may not be able to control your crossdressing, but you can control what it means to you. Will it mean shame, guilt and heartache? Will it be a part time hobby you indulge in, as harmful as a round of golf? Or will it open up the doors to bless others with compassion and love?

The choice is yours. The only wrong answer is choosing not to decide.

Hugs and blessings,
Vanessa

—
Dear reader, what do you think? How have you come to terms with your crossdressing? How do you deal with the shame and guilt? Is crossdressing a blessing or a curse?

Leave a comment and help another in heartache.

85 Comments | Also posted in Vanessa's Transgender Experience | Tagged , | Trackback URL.

Where Do You Go For Crossdressing Support?

By Vanessa Law | Published August 18, 2009 | 1 Comment

Crossdressing Support Groups- It's about time  I was going to title this post ‘It’s about time’. Back in March (March for crying out loud!)  I asked ‘Where do I find Crossdressing Support’, and encouraged you to share your recommendations for real life crossdressing support groups in your area. My goal was to build a list of resources that crossdressers and the transgendered across the US and the world could use to find local support groups. Thank you to all who replied!

I’m finally ready to unveil the first draft of the list of crossdressing support groups. As I learn about new groups I’ll update the list. Before I share the list with you, please take a moment to tell me about a crossdressing support groups in your area. You will bless those who are searching for an encouraging friend.

A Crossdressing Support Group In Your Area

Here is the list of Crossdressing Support Groups. It will be regularly updated as I receive submissions. Please check back often if you don’t see a group in your area.

May you find peace, love and know the joy of accepting who you are.
Vanessa

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What About Us? The Forgotten Transgendered

By Vanessa Law | Published May 19, 2009 | 3 Comments

Recently I received an email from a reader that gave me pause. It brought into stark contrast the duality of the transgender blessing and the transgender curse. I haven’t heard back from her giving me permission to share, so I won’t post her verbatim words.

But I think her story is one that many can identify with. Living in a small town with precious little transgender support, without the financial means to change her life. Wondering whether death is the only release from the torment of trapping the woman inside for so many years.

Before I comment, I want to say thank you. Thank you for reaching out. Thank you for opening the dialog about a topic that is so important to many in the transgender community. Sometimes the transgender hardship is easy to forget for those of us in our 20s and 30s who live in a large west coast city. We’ve all felt the shame and confusion of being transgendered. Yet we may take for granted the plethora of transgender related resources at our fingertips, and our growing acceptance in society.

It can be even harder when you see other’s who fully express their inner selves while being unable to express yours. Whether it’s the town you live in, your financial means or social situation that prevents you from becoming who you are. Sometimes it may appear that death is the only way out. I can say with firm resolve that suicide is never the answer. You may feel trapped, you may feel that noone cares – but there is always a way out. Please seek help from a doctor if you’re contemplating suicide.

Hon, my heart breaks for you, for the situation you’re in. You have my empathy. Yet I guess there is still a male part in me dying to offer some suggestions and advice. I share it humbly, not knowing the full details of your situation, and not having lived a life as long or full as yours.

First, I encourage you to focus on what you can do. There may be no help where you live, but perhaps you can meet up for an evening with some girls from a nearby city, or attend a transgender event. You may not be able to present as a woman full time, but perhaps you can wear subtle makeup in guy mode, or woman’s jeans. You may not be able to become a woman, but perhaps you can work on improving your posture, movement and voice to better convey femininity.

Second, find a reason to hope, something to look forward to. Often the mountain before us looks insurmountable, yet each step along the path is well within our capabilities. The first step may be talking with other transgendered girls on the Internet for encouragement and support.

And finally, I believe that being transgendered is just one aspect of a person’s life. It has proved to be a crucial aspect of who I am, but it is not my sole endeavor. I have a career, hobbies, friends, family and God. While I would love to weave a transgender thread through all of these, I derive pleasure and satisfaction from each area of my life whether or not I engage in it as a woman.

My dear, I pray God’s richest blessings on you. That in your time of trial He will see you through, and what the world has meant for harm, may He turn to glorious good.

3 Comments | Also posted in Transgender Outreach | Tagged , , | Trackback URL.

Where do I Find Crossdressing Support?

By Vanessa Law | Published March 17, 2009 | 13 Comments

The Internet has allowed crossdressers from across the world to take the first step out the closet without leaving the house. There are so many resources and communities available online that even the most timid transgender need not live a life alone in fear. If you’re new to the transgender community I highly recommend you look around the site, you can find an overview of transgender resources here.

Yet humans are naturally social creatures. Even with all the information available online and friends just a facebook away we long for the comfort and companionship of others. Others who understand us, others who love us, and others who will give us support through our crossdressing journey.

Crossdressing Support…Please?

In search of a crossdressing support group

In search of a crossdressing support group

I’m often asked in email for details on local clubs that support crossdressers. The Tri-Ess chapter list is usually a great place to start, but Tri-Ess is just one organization. There are many other organizations that do a great job supporting crossdressers, transsexuals and anyone involved in the transgender community.

While I know of a few places in Seattle, I must admit that I’m at a loss for pretty much the rest of the world. Even if I had intimate knowledge of every crossdressing support group in the USA, I’ve heard a rumor that there are actually a lot of people who don’t live here – funny that :)

I don’t want any crossdresser to suffer alone because they didn’t have a group to reach out to. I’d like to create a comprehensive resource that includes information about transgender support groups from all around the world. But I can’t do this without your your help!

Share Local Crossdresser Support Groups

Please send me details about any crossdresser support groups you know about  by email to vanessalaw@crossdresserheaven.com

Within a few weeks I’ll devote a section of Crossdresser Heaven specifically to helping you find local crossdresser support groups in your area. Please only send me groups that offer support in person, whether it’s meetings, outings or other support activities. And include:

  • Name of the group
  • City, State and Country where they meet
  • Website address (if available)
  • Email
  • Contact name and number
  • Any other notes that would be helpful (e.g. if the group is dedicated to supporting wives of crossdressers)

Thank you for helping a sister reach out and find acceptance. I look forward to hearing from you.

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